Long-term illness

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Comment by jacque on October 2, 2012 at 4:26am

Hi Everyone, I'm new to the group and wanted to introduce myself. My name is Jacque, I am 31 years old. I was married to my best friend for 10 years. He was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure the year after we were married. The doctors gave him 3 weeks to live. I had him for 9 years. I am grateful everyday for the time we had together, even though a lot of it was dealing with all his medical issues. I am glad I found this site, Its helped me realize I'm not as crazy as I thought just dealing with this thing called Grief.

Comment by Steve on October 2, 2012 at 1:09am

Hi Everybody.  Well I think I might have found a job today.  Not a career type job I dont think, but at least something to bring in some money.  Its called Green Ride.net and its an all Hybrid green cab company.  Mostly Toyota Prius and Lexus Suv's.  The shift that is open is 12 noon to 12mid, and they said depending how busy and tips people make $100 to $150 per shift.  No bennies, or vacation or anything, but just a simple no brainer way for me to start bringing in the $$ till I find something better.  I can afford to live just fine on these $$ while I am living with my best gf, she only charges me $500 per month including utilities and I have car insurnace and mobile bill and food.  That is it.  I paid off all my cc and debt with Mikeys inheritance, so I have no debt but my living expensses.  Like I mentioned before I would love to live out on my own but that is VERY expensive here in SD. Would need to make alot more money to be that independent.  But Im grateful for this opportunity and I hope it works out well while I continue to look for a career type position with vacation and bennies. 

My mother sent me a check last week when she heard that I was let go from my job.  It was so sweet and I thanked her profusely.  It is very weird for me to be accepting money from my parents at 50, but, if I didnt accept it, I would not have gas for my car, and groceries in the refridgerator, so I had to accept it.  My mom called again tonite and I told her about the job, she was so proud of me, for being so strong and said she didnt know how I was surviving without Mikey and a job, I have been through so much and she worries all the time that something will happen from the stress and grief I must be under.  She said she didnt want me to worry about money, and she was sending another check tomorrow to help get me through.  I am so lucky to have such a sweet understanding, generous mother, that is financially comfortable enugh that she can afford to help me.  SO GRATEFUL, but still feel very weird at 50.  I remember when we were in our early 20's and buying our first home.  It was 1986 so I was 24 and Mike was 27-28 and his mother offered to loan us $10,000 towards the down payment, to help make our monthy payments lower.  Or something like that, and I remember Mike sayng he would never take his mothers money she needed it worse than us.  And we did buy the house without her money, but it was financailly very tough.  I think he understands why I am taking this money, and if he doesnt, well, he can just get his butt back here and get back to work and I will give her the money back!

  

Comment by Lori on October 1, 2012 at 3:15am

sueprnova, Thank you for sharing about your church family.  I have had the same experience. (roman catholic) We remember our dead daily as well and many people today told me they talked about Mark daily and prayed for him and his family) Some of my family have not seen or called me sense the funeral 6 weeks ago, but my church family has been there daily

Comment by Lori on October 1, 2012 at 2:00am

verona, i too read through the hospice booklet  about end of life,  My husband has just been put on hospice, i read the booklet to him, joking with him about how he'd already had all the the symptoms, He's beaten the odds before, But somehow we knew, he died 2 days later, it was peace for those 2 days.  It's all still surreal.  The men's choir had his wheelchair in this normal place with his music book and light propped up. It was very moving, cried myself dry but so so many hugs. 

Comment by sueprnova on October 1, 2012 at 2:00am

Oh Verona!  You made me truly LOL! - With all this shit there's got to be a pony somewhere!  BRILLIANT!

Then again, to me, we always joked(when someone was whining)  "Want me to get you a pony"

My 'secular' friends have mostly vanished.  My Church family has had my back since diagnosis and they remain my best support.  

Our Church, because of how we handled Dana's preparation/funeral....has started a 9 week class "An Orthodox Ending to our Lives"

We have had over 120 people at the first 2 classes.  

Being Orthodox Christian we remember our 'dead' daily.  It's as a part of us as breathing, so Dana is always talked about and remembered.  That's why some of this is not as heart-wrenching as it could be.  He's not ever going to be swept under the rug and forgotten

Have a beautiful Sunday!

S

Comment by Verona on October 1, 2012 at 1:42am

Thanks Steve for writing about Mike's last days.  My husband did the rocking motion too.  I got the booklet from hospice about end of life and they said he had days, maybe a week, but I just couldn't process it.  He didn't die peacefully in my arms but I was there and just a half hour or so before he died, I took a wet cloth and wiped his head and neck.  He was so sweaty and hot. He died gasping for breath; he wanted to live so badly. 

I cleaned out his car today and it hit me harder than I expected.  He was so typical adult ADD and there was so much STUFF.  He could never find anything so he'd buy a new one.  I got furious at him a year or so ago because he took my snow scraper/brush from my car.  I didn't know and I went out and it snowed heavily. I had nothing but my hands to get the snow off my car windows.  I found four or five in his car.  So then I cried about that.  Relate so much to what Steve said about this comes on tv--crying episode.  I watched Grey's Anatomy season premiere and cried for an hour.

Dustbunny, I'm sorry people have disappeared.  I haven't had that issue too much.  But--I have been doing some major reaching out for me--calling people and asking for help and support.  It's hard to do, but I feel like I'm going to die from the pain.  I have been through a lot in my life, but this pain is by far the worst.  Hang in everyone.  I know that's such a stupid platitude. What else do you say?  Trudge through it.  With all this S*** there's got to be a pony somewhere (I meant that sarcasticly, but maybe there's some truth there).l   

Comment by Jenny on October 1, 2012 at 12:27am

Steve, Mike sounds like a very positive, vivacious person. My husband was the same way. When you said you could hear him giving you advise I can relate! :-) My husband still helps me sometimes even today and thinking of his optimism and great spirit help to pull me out when I get too far down in the doldrums.
You have a way with words. I really get pulled in when reading your posts. Have you ever considered writing?
I find the whole friends disappearing thing weird, too. One friend actually apologized to me and said she has a hard time dealing with death and was avoiding me because of that! I just wanted to say "Gee, thanks!" People's reactions are strange and hard to understand at times for sure.

Comment by Steve on September 30, 2012 at 10:45pm

Juls we did the same thing.  Talked about travel when he got better.  He always wanted to take me to Japan, never made it, we also talked about Amsterdam since we were teens, because at the time it was the only place in the world it was legal to be us. 

Comment by Steve on September 30, 2012 at 10:42pm

Hi Suz and Dustbunny

 

Oh yes, know the dissappearing very well.  Mike and I were very social, Mike worked for a large company and it was very social friendly, family place, so we were always doing things with people from his company.  Our closest Long Term Friends, were Cliff and Mary, and Ahmet and Maneksha.  They were two married male/female couples, and we were very close.  We went to Disneyworld for 2 weeks, Keywest, in a separate trip for a week, Jamaica, for a week, Sanibel Island resort for a week, New York for New Years, (our anniversary, and many other side trips.  When Mike was diagnosed, they disappeared.  I thought it was odd and kind pissed me off, but, no calls, no offers of help, nothing.  Had many long term single friends from HS and younger, ALL dissappeared.  2 weeks before Mikey passed, Adrienne , Mikes mother took it upon herself to go through our address book and called all our friends that she knew of, and told them that Mikey was on his way out, and it they want to see him they should come over.  I didnt know this happened.  One morning I woke up to the doorbell, and there was Ahmet and Maneksha, out of the blue hadnt seen them or talked to them in 15 months ?  Had no idea why they were just showing up now ?????  I was not gracious with them, I walked out onto the patio and avoided them like the plaque.  Ahmet came and found me on the patio, hugged me and stated to cry, WAIL, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, HOW WILL WE LIVE WITHOUT MIKEY ?>?????  HOW WILL YOU SURVIVE STEVE ??????

I Still hadnt given up on Mike yet, so I told Ahmet that Mike was going to be fine and dont give up on him yet.  Then the doorbell, then the doorbell, then the doorbell, all of a sudden, every person in the world we knew was showing up at the front door.  They all remained a part of our life through the funeral, then "POOF" !  Gone.  I havent heard from Cliff and Mary since the funeral.  After 20 yrs of friendship.  Havent heard of HS friends since funeral.  All Gone.  And the way I look at it is GOOD RIDDENS !  I cant believe we were so fooled by such shallow, people, and I wouldnt stop to call AAA for any of them if I saw them on the side of the road.  Mike was a very generous man, he was ALWAYS taking friends out to dinner, drinks and picking up the tab, when we had parties, we always had an open bar, Mike would spend $2000+  stocking the bar with everybody's favorite, he would hire live band, have towncars outside to take people home,  He wouldnt hear of byob, he thought that so tacky.  People were always welcome to spend the night.  When we travelled Mike would upgrade everone with his miles.  Sending champagne to friends in the plane, he rented the vehicles when we all traveled by car.  I never really thought about it, I was that way too, because Mike taught me that way,. and it was good,  But I think back at all the shopping sprees I took girlfriends on for their bdays, and the coach purses and LV bags and the limos we got to go out to dinner for friends bdays.  It was all a blast, but now that Mike has gone, and the friends are gone, the money is gone, and I am broke and alone, I think about those times, and wonder if they ever took us on shopping trips, dinners, picked up bar tabs ?   They dont even care enough to see if I am dead or alive !   LOL>   what a lesson !

I just heard Mikey in my head say, "Honey, so what?  Its only money we cant take it with us !  He would say, "Did you have fun"????  Then it was worth it !

 

Yea, Mikey passing has encompassed so much in my life, its as though a huge forrest fire or nuclear explosion came through my house, love, friends, finances, career, support, and disintegrated everything.  I was lifted nude up out of my bed and sat down on the moon without a soul or shelter or sustanence to survive with and told" Make it work" ! Build a life for yourself !

 

 

 

 

Comment by Suz on September 30, 2012 at 10:12pm

Steve,

Absolutely beautiful memory of you and Mikey in Mexico. He sounds like such a lovely person, so strong and kind and caring. I am glad you went with the "weepies" and hope I can have a few more days like that. Just let those tears come.

Hugs,

Suz

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