Long-term illness

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Comment by Mford4 (Marlene) on February 20, 2013 at 10:38pm

I learned something today.  I came to my marriage as a wounded human being.  In the years that Pat and I had together he was my lighthouse, guiding me through times when my personal demons would rise up and color my perspective on life.  It was through his gentle coaching, unconditional love, and constant reassurance that I could enjoy the wonderful years we had together.  Together we were balanced--yin and yang.

Today, I realized how much I miss that guiding light.  Today I learned I must now stand on my own two feet and learn how to be free.  Just another facet of grief.

www.widow2single.com

Comment by ebwilkie on February 20, 2013 at 5:20pm

Ellybean - do you mind if I ask what the genetic condition is that your husband had that caused him to have pancreatic cancer?  My husband died of pancreatic cancer and he has had 2 uncles and 1 cousin die of it before him.  I am worried about my kids. But they did a genetic work up on him and they say he didn't have a gene that is familial in pancreatic cancer.  I find this hard to believe.  Just looking for some answers.  If you don't want to talk about it, I understand.

Comment by traveler on February 20, 2013 at 4:18pm

Pat--I quit my job in NovemNovem

Comment by Pat on February 20, 2013 at 12:54pm

Thank you to Dianne and Celestia for greeting and coordinating this group, and to all of you who express yourselves so well.

I am almost 8 months out and would have said earlier this month that I was "doing" and trying to find the positives.  But I crashed last week and am working my way out of the "hole".  Today it is sunny and cold in the midwest and expecting a snowstorm.  I will force myself to get groceries (something I dislike even caring about), but once I do, I'll be happy to have the food and the wherewithall to withstand the storm.

My continuous struggle is with the lack of connectedness to anyone.  I do have two adult kids who live distances away and are working and busy (a good thing).  I do not have a job, as I quit it two weeks before my husband died (his last month was at home in hospice with my kids and I caring for him.)  My purposelessness is as difficult as I anticipated it would become in this season and post-holidays.  I did join a fitness center, and I've been seeking appealing volunteer options (though my small towns around me have very very few).   Suggestions?

Also, I had a nurse practitioner tell me very early on that I was at an extremely high stress level and that I should get my health checked out because I would be highly susceptible for major disease.  I have actually had 3 months of major treatment for vertigo - which might be coming to an end.  (Note:  it usually only takes one or two treatments to resolve.)  Has anyone else had a major medical issue crop up on top of their grief?  

My heart goes out to all of you in this grief journey that we all wish we could wish away.   

Comment by kshy on February 20, 2013 at 10:43am

Marlene, I was just thinking about the same thing. I read recently that more doctors are starting to view cancer as a chronic illness - something to be "treated", not "cured"...and I feel this way about grief, too. It's not something that just goes away. Our loss is not something we just "get over". I just wish more people would understand this. But it does make me wonder about how I am going about "treating" my grief...am I doing the "right" things to help myself move forward with this new clingy, sidekick? 

Comment by Ellybean on February 20, 2013 at 10:03am

Yes, yes I can relate!  Awhile back I ran into an old neighbor.  He asked how my husband was doing and I told him he had passed.  Swithced the subject as I was almost in tears.  Asked him what he was doing for the holidays - he told me and than asked what I was doing.  I responded I was going to spend it with my mother in law.  His response 'oh you got re-married'.  NO my husbands mother - my husband is still my husband and his mother is still my mother in law.  After this clarification he asks 'but you are dating now?' NO!  My time.  Right now can't ever envision that - to me I AM still married.  Even though he is gone I feel strangely more devoted - he is not here to speak for himself or to do what he would do with our kids.  I need to make sure those wishes he had are done.  I consider him in all decisions.  People say move on but I will go on my time.

Comment by feelinglonely on February 20, 2013 at 7:58am

Marlene and Susan--I can so relate to what the both of you said.  It is our grief and we need to handle it in our own way--not the way others think we should.  Susan--you are so right--others are so afraid  that it could have been them dealing with this and you know what?  I think that is what I would have thought also--Thank God it wasnt me.  Safe Reality--that is good--I like that.

Comment by Susan B on February 20, 2013 at 2:30am

((((SUZ))))

Comment by Susan B on February 20, 2013 at 2:29am

Marlene, you don't sound angry at all to me, but then I can understand where you're coming from. Perhaps those who get bored/impatient with our grief just aren't ready to admit that there is another reality to life besides being paired up and "happy". They SO want us to conform to their safe reality, they want us to deny ours. I say shine them on.

Comment by Mford4 (Marlene) on February 19, 2013 at 11:30pm

I saw this comment the other day:  You’d never say, “It’s just cancer get over it.”  This was a quote about depression, and I thought wow is this appropriate for those of us who are living through our grief.  Because I often wear a mask of strength in dealing with the outside world, I tend to get some pressure from those who believe it is time for me to move on, go out, stop hanging on to the grief, date, and have fun.   Well, I just want to say to all of you out there who have their own timeline for how I am living--I will do all these things, but on my own schedule not yours.

It is not that I don’t want to live a full and complete life in this, the last stage of my life.  And as the months have gone by, there have been moments, that I can feel the positive change in the day, but for every one of those, there can be a setback or two that occurs.  I will not apologize for having them, or expect you to understand why I do.

I know I sound angry today and I don’t want to, but when I feel pushed I get defensive about this journey.  I am trying because I promised Pat I would, it is just that there are days, when trying is hardly enough to move on.  

www.widow2single.com

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