Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Long-term illness

For those widowed by cancer AND other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

We now also have a "Long Term Illness" discussion forum in the PERENNIAL main forum. Questions? Widville@gmail.com

Members: 620
Latest Activity: 1 hour ago

Group Greeter

Please welcome Patience (Diane) as your group greeter.

Discussion Forum

Grief and release at the same time?

Started by Germaine. Last reply by goingon (Cynthia) 1 hour ago. 31 Replies

I am aware of two different forces acting from within me.  One is the downward weight of grief. The other is an upward energy that comes from the release from caregiving.  After 16 years of part time…Continue

I'm Lost

Started by MickeysLove. Last reply by my roses Dec 9. 19 Replies

So, 4 days ago marked the 2 month period.  I had joined a support "group" where you go and sit with other people and talk about whats bothering you. I had went 2 times, I'm not going anymore - I…Continue

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by MickeysLove Dec 3. 32 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

Anyone ever have a sense of peace?

Started by Timetoheal. Last reply by Juls Sep 17. 38 Replies

Has anyone been doing normal chores or random things around the house and had a feeling of calm or peace come over them? As if your loved one is standing there with you or just brushing by you to let…Continue

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Comment by sueprnova on December 7, 2014 at 7:25pm

Diane, 

he did a lot of stretches the doc rx'd for him.  I'm not sure exactly what made it end.  My longest bout with it was probably 3 weeks.  I have a lacrosse ball that I smush up against the spot where it hurts.  I don't know if it helped any but it sure felt good.  I used to back myself up into a door jamb just to put pressure on it....

I hope yours clears up soon!!

Comment by Patience (Diane) on December 7, 2014 at 7:14pm
Sue and Jocelyn, have fun baking! :)
Sue, I'm sorry Dana had sciatica too! What finally helped him recover from it? I'v tried Chiropractic and massage- and Aleve and - ice packs and heat packs...
Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on December 7, 2014 at 6:46pm

Dear Sue. Thank you for your kind words. What a WONDERFUL tradition you have started! Wish I could come!

We are kind of doing that next week, when our birthdays would be. I have several kinds of cookie dough already made and hope to decorate a bit.

Happy Holidays to you, my friend!

Comment by sueprnova on December 7, 2014 at 6:31pm

Aw man Diane, I hope you're feeling better soon!  Sciatica is awful!  Many yeas ago it took Dana out of work for a few months....

 This is the only time of the year when I bake.  I usually try out 2 new cookie recipes...most of the time they're not very good, but I try!

Baking is too precise.  So unlike cooking!    Dana loved peanutbutter cookies!  Those I would make because they are very easy!! This year the party is Dec 20.  I will probably spend the week baking and cleaning and preparing.  For me, that's fun!

Comment by Patience (Diane) on December 7, 2014 at 6:20pm
Sue, wow- sounds amazing!! So much fun and a great idea! I'm laid up with sciatica right now- I know - bummer... I'd really like to bake cookies this year- it would be the first year I'd bake since Wayne died May 20, 2012. I used to love to bale the peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies!! So hoping to be baking soon!!
Comment by sueprnova on December 7, 2014 at 6:02pm

Good for you Jocelyn.  I think it's important that we create new holiday traditions that make sense for us.  Each year, we've always opened our home to friends and family near my husbands bday on Dec 21.  I bake all different kinds of cookies and also cut out cookies.  If you have kids, you bring them.  There are tables set up with every kind of sprinkle and icing created.... everyone decorates cookies.  

Since he died, I have kept that going... only I have included every widowed person I know.  Family has slowly dropped to the wayside...so, widows and friends it is!!!

We eat, drink and definitely make merry.  This year I have some dear widowed friends, who I met at Camp, traveling in from No Cal to spend time with us.

I get a bounce house for the kids.  I have room for many to sleep over.  It's a lot of fun.  The last couple of years I've done a balloon release...but this year, I think I will bypass that and just wish my beautiful man a happy forever 46 on the actual day of his birth.  

The Dana shaped absence never leaves, but it's not as pronounced as it has been.

I think, maybe next year I will change it up again.  Who knows.  

Peace, 

Sue

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on December 7, 2014 at 5:44pm

Dear Friends. Just want to send a message of hope for all of you. My husband of 37 years married, together 42, died 11/1/12 after a grueling fight with brain cancer. This is our daughter's 3rd b'day without her daddy, my 3rd b'day without my love, our 3rd Christmas without him, etc. I did some kind of Christmas, somehow, for the kids the first year. I really don't remember it.

Last year, his absence seemed harder for us, as we knew it was forever, on this earth. I had very brief moments of the Holiday spirit, but they were fleeting and often forced.

This year, I am determined to start to get my happy holiday self back. So far, I'm doing just that, although I'm snacking on goodies too much. Oh well, I don't have a husband, drink or smoke, so I have to have fun somehow, lol! I have 2 very dear friends going thru some very terrible times, and I think trying to support them has helped me put my grief on the back burner.

I have decorated just a little bit, just enough to cheer us in our family room. Don't have the tree up yet. I have baked several kinds of cookies this year, which I really enjoy and have actually enjoyed buying a few presents for close family. I was not able to walk anywhere last year that was ready for the holidays without feeling so sad, angry and overwhelmed.

So, my message of hope is this. I can't say it gets better, but I can say, at least in my case, my better days are more often, and my falling apart times are farther and fewer between. I will always miss my husband, but I cannot go thru life being sad during my favorite time of year.

I HOPE that each of you feels a little better this year. One foot in front of the other, one baby step at a time. And if cookies help, go ahead! ;)

Comment by Patience (Diane) on December 7, 2014 at 3:56pm
Steve, wishing you warmth and peace and love this holiday season to you and to all! The holidays bring back so many memories.... Some good- some of when Wayne was in so much pain and trying to be "strong" for my girls and me. Oh well- and a day to wallow in sad movies makes total sense to me! We watched "it's a wonderful life" w Jimmy Stewart yesterday, and I was thinking of the message of Clarence the Christmas Angel. Each of our lives has so much meaning - reflecting on the sad and the good memories helps us put it all into perspective....

Peace...
Comment by Steve on December 5, 2014 at 4:23pm

Everything has to be go go go and loud loud loud, and more more more with him and this can be great fun, and I do enjoy it a bunch of the time, but lately these holidays have taken it out of me and I am needing a pause.  I think Im needing a night by myself to watch really sad movies and just allow myself to cry for a few hrs.  I haven't done this in so long, trying to keep a happy/strong face for Chris and not let him know Im sad.  When I havelet him know a few times, in experimentation to see how he handled it, to see if I could be honest with him, he takes it very personal, that he isn't doing enough to make me happy, "Steve you just need to let go of all that pain and be happy with me" !  "Why would you want to be so sad? Why would you want to bring all that ugly into your new good life"?  He just doesn't have that experience yet.

Each Holiday season has gotten easier, Im am full blown into this year, physically, still dragging my heart a it behind, but hoping it will get easier soon.  The light In Chris's eyes when he looks at me, just warms my heart and I so much want to enjoy that pure sweet wonder again. 

I have been on a long waitlist to see my medium since March of 13, Im booked confirmed with her for May 1st 2015, and on the waitlist for a sooner cancellation.  I was just thinking about it last week, and I got a call two days ago that she had a cncellation on this coming Tues Dec 9th at 1100am.  I took the appointment, so Im hoping I will feel better after that appointment, I always do.  Its so wonderful to have a session with her. 

Well I btter go, you all take care and take it easy, wishing you warmth and peace and love this holiday season. 

Comment by Steve on December 5, 2014 at 4:17pm

Hi Everyone.  I can relate to all the comments made by everyone here.  The holiday season is filled with mixed emotions for me, as I know probably for everyone.  I am 5.9 yrs out from my Mikes passing and of course the first 3 holiday seasons after his passing were very rough.  Then I met my new boyfriend in Aug 13, and we moved in together Dec 21st last year.  He is like how I used to be prior to Mikes passing, very excited, loves the holidays, he has never experienced death yet in his 24 yrs, so its very different for him and its both a beauty and a sadness in me enjoying the holidays through his young, innocent eyes.  He has made some comments to me, that he tries so hard to make me happy, excited over the holiday decorations, or holiday meals, and I just don't meet his enthusiasm.  I try, But its just not there for me yet.  He is so excited to go holiday shopping, which we have done plenty of so far, and its fun, bittersweet to watch him and feel his energy surrounding it all.  But, I realize I am still grieving, still hiding in my hole in my heart, from the tremendous loss I have experienced in my life, the many, many people I still love and miss that are no longer here.  Its not just Mike, but all the friends I/we lost over the years.  I seem to be thinking of them a lot lately, for some reason and my eyes tear up as we are shopping, or sitting down for a lovely meal.  Im so grateful for my life and all the wonderful people I have known and loved. But I have to admit to myself, that Im a bit overwhelmed lately with this holiday season.  I feel really forced to "get on board" with the holidays because Chris just can not understand my feelings, nor would I want him to, I want him to stay as innocent and happy as he can for as long as he can. He will eventually loose a parent or a sister, or a best friend, and it will be devastating to him and he will be changed forever.  Sadly, this is part of our lives here, but I don't want to be a bummer or a downer for him, so I try to put on a happy face for him as much as I can.  I am spoiling him with goodies and presents, and given him cart blanche to decorate the apartment and he has done a beautiful job.  Our balcony and staircase are breathtaking and so beautiful our neighbors all stop and stare and comment as they walk by at the decorations Chris has done.  I appreciate it so much, however, again, its bittersweet to me.  I just cant shake this darkness inside me.  Chris keeps asking for us to go get our tree, he is so excited to get it and decorate it, and I have been putting it off.  Part of me just wishes I could go to sleep and wake up January 5th !  LOL.  But also, I don't want to miss Chris's joy.  I do believe this is good for me, in the long run.  Its forcing me to push forward and to get going on letting go of my past, which I think is a good thing.  So Im trying to be patient with myself, and trying to compromise with Chris as much as I can, yet, also, standing up for myself when Im tired and feeling emotionally wrung out and wanting some quiet.  He doesn't understand the need for peace and quiet yet.   

 

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