Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Long-term illness

For those widowed by cancer AND other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

We now also have a "Long Term Illness" discussion forum in the PERENNIAL main forum. Questions? Widville@gmail.com

Members: 559
Latest Activity: yesterday

Group greeters

Dianne in Nevada and Celestia have agreed to greet and coordinate for this group! Thank you, ladies!

Discussion Forum

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by my roses yesterday. 23 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

Grief and release at the same time?

Started by Germaine. Last reply by icecream Apr 14. 15 Replies

I am aware of two different forces acting from within me.  One is the downward weight of grief. The other is an upward energy that comes from the release from caregiving.  After 16 years of part time…Continue

Anyone ever have a sense of peace?

Started by Timetoheal. Last reply by Maria Louisa Mar 6. 32 Replies

Has anyone been doing normal chores or random things around the house and had a feeling of calm or peace come over them? As if your loved one is standing there with you or just brushing by you to let…Continue

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Comment by feelinglonely on March 12, 2014 at 8:25am

Cynthia--OMG--I know exactly how you feel.  The main reasin I have not returned to my orthopedic doctor is I know he is going to tell me that I need hip replacement surgery.  I have advanced degenerative arthritis.  Well, how the hell am I supposed to manage three floors up and down, how am I supposed to do all the routine stuff--scared to be alone in the house.  I hate being alone and having no-one.  Everyone cares--but nobody ever wants to be inconvenienced.  When my poor husband was sick, we were together 24/7.  He must be rolling over knowing how alone I am.  I swear, I wish it was me who went first.  Prayers for you Cynthia.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on March 11, 2014 at 9:53pm

Dear Germaine and Frankie -

Germaine, thank you for your kind words and support.  I appreciate it.  I left a message for the doc's assistant to please call me and discuss this with me, and then pass it on to my doctor.  He did say if I wasn't able to come home following the surgery, he would arrange for inpatient rehab or skilled nursing.  I think my anxiety is just getting the better of me.

Frankie, thank you.  I appreciate your sympathy.  I did discuss this with my daughter with the new baby and she did say she'd come if she could, but she really didn't think she would be able to manage taking care of me and the baby.  And I understand.  She lives a distance away, and even if I paid for her airfare, which I would, I live at 7000 feet, and the last time she was here, the altitude did bother her - of course, she was pregnant then and that may have had something to do with it, but to subject her to that possibility and also the possibility on a new baby who hasn't been exposed to the altitude, well, I'm not willing to do that.  When he's older, she's planning on coming up when her husband has a conference to attend in Las Vegas - Flagstaff is sort of on the way... depending on which way they go!  So I do appreciate the advice, but I will be going down to visit them before the surgery because I don't know how long before I'll be able to travel, and my plan has been to visit them about every 3 months for a week or so, so the baby can get to know me!  I'm sure it was a wonderful experience for your son and  you wife to have that time. 

My husband's cancer spread so suddenly - they called it "wildfire" - that I had to call my daughter (the younger one) in NYC (we were in California) to come home asap to see him.  She did - with her now-husband - and they caught a red-eye that night and were there the next day - he died two days after they came home.  My other daughter lives in CA; we hadn't had our "falling out" with her idiot husband then, but I would hope that she would ignore him in the case of a parent - in that case, my husband - being near death. I wonder what she'll do if and when it's me? 

Thank you again for your advice.  I do appreciate the response. 

Comment by Frankie on March 11, 2014 at 8:04pm

Goingon, my heart goes out to you for what you are facing, but have you considered asking your daughter with the new baby to maybe come be with you after you come home from re-hab.  I know at times we never think of asking, but when we discuss things like you are going through after the fact, the people closest to us will always say, Why didn't you not ask me.  There are times when we are to proud to ask, but sometimes we need to put our pride aside.  I know when I was a caregiver for my wife, I needed some time away and I asked our son if he wanted to spend some time with his mother on a Saturday afternoon, took a lot for me to ask, but he agreed and it was a beautiful experience for them both.  So it is just something to consider Cynthia, and maybe, just maybe it will be a beautiful experience for all,

Comment by Germaine on March 11, 2014 at 7:39pm

Cynthia,  I have not been through anything like this but I have, in my fears of the future, thought about such situations.  I agree 100% that you need to arrange for rehab placement after the surgery.  A week or two there could teach you what you need to survive at home.  You've already readied the house with meals for yourself and you can think through the best/easiest/safest ways to get around because you know how to do all of that from having been a caregiver.  Now you need to be your own caregiver.  I am SO sorry you have to go through this but you have done this kind of thing before. You did it for Don. He would have done it for you and he would want you to do it for yourself.  Talk with the doc. Arrange for rehab after surgery.  Take care. You are supported from afar.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on March 11, 2014 at 7:23pm

I really don't know where else to post this, so I'm going to put it here and I welcome any feedback.

I'm scheduled to have back surgery April 8.  I have no one who can stay with me at home when I am released from the hospital. I had back surgery in 2008, but I had Don at home, and my daughter was nearby.  Now I'm alone. One of my daughters has a new baby, and I wouldn't even ask her to come.  The other one, well, she's the one with the idiot husband who won't "let" her have contact with me (but she still emails me...), and she can't come for a week; her job, her kids, her husband... I really think she would come if she was so afraid of her husband leaving her (although she'd be so much better off without him!). 

So I've been very depressed lately, and I finally put it together that I think I'm depressed because every time I think about the surgery (and who wouldn't get depressed facing surgery anyway?) I think about being alone, and I think about not having Don here... well, I'm anxious about what I'm going to do after, and the thought of having to come home with maybe a caregiver, or someone I don't know, makes me anxious.  The last time I had back surgery I couldn't have taken care of myself for the first week, and this surgery will be more intense and I'll have more than one incision.  So I've put in a call to the doctor to ask him to please arrange after care for me at a skilled nursing facility or rehab, at least for a week, or until I can manage for myself.  Insurance will cover a facility, but they won't cover a caregiver at home which is less costly.  Figures, doesn't it?  And we all scratch our heads about the cost of insurance.  I have a neighbor who is happy to check in on me, but I don't have anyone I can ask to stay here with me, and it's at night, getting out of bed that I remember needing help with, not to mention being able to prepare - even reheat - meals.

I'm stocking my freezer with homemade meals and I'll have plenty of frozen meals, but I'll still need someone who can prepare them and clean up for at least a week. 

I'm just anxious and then I get depressed.  I just needed to share it with someone who "gets it."  Thanks.  Has anyone been through this? 

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on March 3, 2014 at 4:00pm

Feelinglonely - yes.  I agree!

Doggie comments: - thank you everyone for the feedback.  Yeah, I'm not sure about the invisible fencing, either.  I live on two lakes with open space and people are always walking their dogs - often off the leash which is "against the rules" and are posted.   Your dog may be friendly but you never know when he'll run up to a dog that's not so friendly!  But yeah; little dogs do better with no yards.  A lot of apartment dwellers seem to do okay with dogs and no yard!

Comment by feelinglonely on March 3, 2014 at 1:41pm

I think it's great that we are able to  talk about anything that can make us forget for a few minutes.

Comment by feelinglonely on March 3, 2014 at 1:39pm

My brother had invisible fencing at his home in NC and the smart doggies still escaped.  Never like the idea of them getting a shock.  After a while, they learn to stay in the yard.

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on March 3, 2014 at 1:34pm

Neignbors of our have two largish dogs (labradoodles, I believe), and they have the electric fence. I have never seen the dogs go outside their area and have seen them playing outside every day. Works for them.

Comment by Schneesmom (Denise) on March 3, 2014 at 1:26pm

I would not trust invisible fencing.  If a dog really wants something outside the fence, he will go through the fence, experience the shock and keep going.  Many dog trainers do not like them because of the shock and the cruelty issue.  

 A lot of communities have dog parks that are great for letting a dog run and play. If I had a small dog and no yard to fence in, I would take it to the dog park and then walk it regularly for bathroom visits.  

 

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