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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 747
Latest Activity: 15 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Not like the Movies

Started by Snow. Last reply by riet yesterday. 9 Replies

In 15 minutes I will have passed my third day of being a widow. I have been bracing myself for this pain for 10 years, when my beautiful husband of 26 years was first diagnosed with advanced…Continue

how to handle life now

Started by nayajivan. Last reply by Mamitha May 11. 3 Replies

Hi,I have lost my wife Archana on 12th March 2018.19 years of Marriage..2 beautiful and lovely sons - 17 and 14 years..15 years of battle against 2 deadly diseases - Kidney Failure and AIHA...9 Years…Continue

Tags: sons, marriage, AIHA, dialysis, failure

Unexpected Emotions

Started by Snow. Last reply by Linda C Mar 3. 10 Replies

I had braced myself for the grief of loss, unbearable loneliness, some other things too awful to write about, but I'm also starting to feel quite hurt and let down by some people. Is this normal?…Continue

With the holidays upon us...

Started by Don. Last reply by goingon (Cynthia) Nov 18, 2017. 3 Replies

How do I answer the comments that haven't come when I talk about the things that happened to Arlene around two holidays? She had her first heart attack on Christmas eve day 2012 on dialysis as we…Continue

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Comment by booktime (Susan) on July 11, 2017 at 1:58pm

Hi Phoenixrising, So sorry for you loss. Cancer is awful. My sister-in-law died of pancreatic cancer. She too was one of the "lucky" ones, surviving 22 months. But her last days were hard for my brother.

My husband died of a different type of cancer - prostate. His last 3 months were hard. Lots of pain. Hospice was only about 8 days. There is no preparation.

Hugs to you.

Comment by Phoenixrising on July 11, 2017 at 1:01pm

I'm new to this group. My husband died of Pancreatic Cancer in September. As with most people diagnosed with this deadly disease, his battle was short lived. He survived for 12 months, after diagnosis. He was one of the lucky ones. Many are lost within 6 months. He was doing quite well, and then began to decline rapidly the last 3 months. I became his full time caregiver when he went into hospice care. I treasured the time we had, but nothing could prepare me for those final days. It was as if a switch was flipped, and the death spiral began. The last 3 or 4 days of his life were brutal. No one should leave this world like that. 

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on June 11, 2017 at 10:42am

If you've ever thought about writing your story, Grief Diaries gives you an opportunity to do that in a published book at no cost to you.  I'm writing in their Surviving Loss by Cancer book and they are seeking additional writers. If your loss was by cancer - or if you've lost another loved one to cancer - and are interested in writing about it, here's the link to register. Sharing our stories can be an important healing tool for us, but it's also important for those who will follow us to learn they are not alone.

To register, just click on this link http://shop.griefdiaries.com/products/cancer and choose 'contributor' in the dropdown box. (There is no fee to be a contributor.) Click on 'Add to Cart' which takes you to a checkout page where you'll provide your contact info. You'll receive questions, which will help to prompt you with writing your story.

Comment by Slick on May 27, 2017 at 5:30am

Thanks Sue....we're not hot and heavy either....but do have a good bond....we have our arguments and it's funny because he always thinks I'm walking away when all I need is a break.....then we talk things through ...and we're OK again...it's definitely a learning lesson....I'm glad to have him in my life....I had lung cancer 3 1/2 years ago ....and now have skin cancer, treating it at home with a Chemo cream...and am facing shoulder surgery.....he is so empathetic and caring. ..it has been good for me to let someone else be strong....God bless and peace always........

Comment by only1sue on May 26, 2017 at 11:38pm

Slick, lovely to hear you have someone special in your life again.  Yes, for me I am only looking for a friend too, nothing hot and heavy. You have had a hard journey so hope there are happier times ahead for you.

Comment by Slick on May 26, 2017 at 5:22am

It is scary at times ....BUT....I went through lung cancer alone....and now the skin and shoulder surgery....it's nice to have someone my age to share with....not that my daughters weren't always there for me...but they have their own lives and I want them to live them , not worried about me....and I have to say most importantly....between my daughters death in a split second auto accident and my husband;s young, painful death ....I guess I have truly learned acceptance...and that I have no control of many things......PEACE ...we all get where we need to be in our own time....there is no right and no wrong way to grieve...God is never  late....

Comment by I_was_here (Jamie) on May 25, 2017 at 7:07pm

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories with me.  Booktime:  yes - grief comes in waves, although most of my days are spent grieving Jake, some days I am still missing my mom.  She died at 63.  Terry:  I can't help but be a little jealous over the years you got to spent with her, but I know there's a plan for us all and it's better if I just stay out of trying to control that.  And Slick:  you are walking through my second biggest fear. I pray that someone is there for you like you were there for your husband years ago, even if it is surgery and chemo cream.  

Comment by Slick on May 25, 2017 at 6:21am

I_Was_There and everyone else here.....I don't have much to add.....except my prayers....I too was a FT caregiver...Bill was dx at 51 and passed at 54 ..I was it unless he was hospitalized....I was 3 years older ..retired when he was dx so I could be a FT caregiver..it's been 6+ years......and I have no regrets of leaving my job so young...or being with him and caring for him on a constant 24/7 basis....it was hard...very  hard....but we all do what is best for our spouse and ourselves....I spent my first year, catching up on sleep and my own health...eating right....going to 2 grief groups, spending time with my daughters and grandchildren....my friends have either passed young or walked away when Bill passed so I was very much alone....it took me 5 years to get used to being alone so much, but I did....in those 5 years I volunteered at a specialty cancer treatment center that my husband was treated at and loved every minute of being there...and then after 2 years it started to wear me down.....my youngest had her first child and I started to "volunteer for me and my family" I did donate all of his clothing to the Cancer research center....within a couple of months...and then just recently whatever I had left to Homeless Veterans....4 months ago I met a nice man, we're very much alike, he's empathetic and has compassion for me, what Bill went through since his death was lengthy and extremely painful for almost 4 years....his conversation and companionship are welcomed....not a hot and heavy romance....good friends...I appreciate it....one day at a time folks...it's all we can do....through my grief I had part of my right lung removed due to lung cancer , no treatment needed after the surgery....now I have had skin cancer eruptions twice....this one is different and being treated with a chemo cream.....and I;m facing shoulder surgery....so hard being alone....I am glad I have my friend in my life now...he does buffer some of the blows......God bless all.....and may we all find the peace we need in our hearts..

Comment by booktime (Susan) on May 25, 2017 at 4:12am

Hello I_was,

So sorry for so many losses. It is hard being the caregiver so intensely and then ... nothing. For me, now it seems long ago (4 years this Sept) but I remember the transition was hard. I threw away all of his medical stuff almost immediately.

I just lost my mother on March 7 (she was 96 so a good long life). I find myself going through the same fuzzy and unfocused moments as I did when Ed died. I am guessing it is grief I am feeling.

It is a roller coaster ride. Hugs to you. You sound solid - this doesn't assume how you should feel or anything. You are, I guess, solid in how you are feeling and I think that is good.

Comment by I_was_here (Jamie) on May 24, 2017 at 11:13pm

I'm new here and not sure really what to post, but it's late and I'm not sleeping yet although I just told myself I would.  

I lost my husband on January 31st of this year.  We had 3 short years together, 15 months spent with the threat of stage 4 lymphoma.  He was beautiful, soulful, happy and loving - even through his disease.  I miss him so much.  

I find myself now mostly wound down from the constant battle mode - reading every possible medical publication about his disease and the next treatment, scheduling appointments, making sure his weekly meds box was filled (and emptied), watching for signs that the disease had spread back into his brain and finally full time caregiver in his last month.  Not to mention kept my job and maintained a loving relationship with, and took care of my daughter.  Followed by the massive amounts of paperwork and loose ends to tie up with all the agencies and companies we have accounts with. I'm thankful for the friends we have in this world.  

I've spent the past few months getting back to work, meeting with my grief therapist (long time relationship as we lost my daughter's father and my own in 2007 and my mom in 2014), general grief groups, visits with our friends and found myself kindly and greatly supported but dying to talk to other people who had lost a spouse.  

For me, I didn't lose a 30+ year marriage, but I lost my best friend, my spiritual match, my love and I lost a future we had planned together.  My poor daughter's lost a dad and stepdad before she turned 16.  Like a roller coaster ride, I'm savoring the moments that I'm able to stay in gratitude for the experience we had together and letting myself just be sad and mad and lost when I need to.

 

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