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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 701
Latest Activity: on Monday

Discussion Forum

What are your thoughts about "Dating"?

Started by Patience (Diane). Last reply by Athena53 Jan 6. 10 Replies

What are your feelings about "dating"? As a person who was a long term caregiver, do you sometimes have mixed feelings? Have you joined a dating site? Do you NOT want to date?

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by FootballGeek Oct 25, 2016. 40 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

NYT article

Started by WittyBlondeWolverine. Last reply by Slick Oct 25, 2016. 7 Replies

This article resonated with me on so many levels. It's very true that I have so many people to do something with... but nobody to do nothing with.

NY Mag Article "The Day I started Lying to Ruth" by a cancer doctor on losing his wife to cancer

Started by Patience (Diane). Last reply by Patience (Diane) Sep 24, 2016. 23 Replies

Has anyone read this article?  It stopped me in my tracks yesterday. http://nymag.com/news/features/cancer-peter-bach-2014-5/Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by Slick on January 5, 2017 at 8:52am

Cynthia......My daughter will be gone 20 years this August..she was 21.....I have not been able to read a novel since then....I used to read 3 books a week.....My husband will be gone 6 years March 1 , I have yet to be able to go to a movie or even watch a new one at home....I lost both activities with their losses.....and have never gotten them back...my focus is OK..it's my concentration that is gone...I don't expect any changes because of the amount of time that has gone by..

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on January 5, 2017 at 8:47am

Maggie and Slick - 6 years out and I still can't read non-fiction.  it took a while before I could read anything, but the not being able to focus on a newspaper article is disturbing!  I know it's just "grief brain"; in some ways I've gotten better, but then I still have trouble focusing.  And I have this unexplained anxiety that I didn't used to have, and I have no idea what it's about.  Maybe someday it will get better, but then, I'm aging, too... so who knows?

Comment by Slick on January 5, 2017 at 8:10am

Terry ...I also "miss things' I have PTSD that got progressively worse after my daughter, closest friend , only sister and my Husband passed....since I am really good at dissociation it's hard for me to know if I;ve lost time, or just have too much on my mind....It will b e 6 years on March 1, that is also my deceased daughters birthday...certain days out of the year ...are too difficult for me...so I'm sort of flaky...I forget what day it is at times and miss a few shows that I really like...never know the date...I do believe it is focus and concentration...I retired when my husband was dx with lung and bone cancer ...he was only 51 ...and I wanted to be with him..had the time in so could retire on my pension.....he suffered for 3 1/2 years....I feel like I lost 10 years of my life when my daughter passed for obvious reasons...and also feel like I lost another 10 being a full time caregiver and then for the first time in my life living alone....I tried to date at 2 years into 3 years..didn't happen for me....and did some stupid things....we change continually after a loss.....over and over you'll notice you're different....try to roll with it all...I have found it has helped me to actually enjoy living alone.....and doing whatever my way......I wish you the b est...

Comment by Maggie on January 5, 2017 at 7:32am
I think it's a focus issue. I "miss" things too and can watch TV and don't remember sometimes what I've watched and I still can't read a book...only shorter articles. I have constant streaming of the whole grief experience and all that came before and since. It's like a never ending show that will not leave me in peace. I have friends and keep busy, but it's always playing in the background and I believe that is why some of us experience this memory or focus problem...
Comment by Terry on January 5, 2017 at 7:08am

Many people talk of the effects that the whole grieving process has on their memory. Almost two years on, I still find this to be very true. I have always considered myself pretty with it and easily able to grasp things. I seem to be getting worse though. My boss made a comical remark to me the other day and it went right over my head where once I would have gotten it immediately. It left me a little embarrassed and concerned for my state of mind. Has any one of you found that a couple of years after your loss, you are still dealing with 'issues of the mind'?

Comment by Lyn on January 4, 2017 at 4:07pm

Cynthia I agree.  I can usually tell in the first moments of my conversation with these different institutions if they are really listening or  following some script.  It really makes me angry - and then I tell myself that's ok cause its just one of the stages of grief.  

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on January 4, 2017 at 1:06pm

Lyn-

I think the worst are the credit card companies when they say they need to talk to the person who's name is first on the account, and of course, trying to explain that the person is dead, and if they find a way to talk to them, please let me know... 

I'm sorry sorry you had to go through this.

Comment by Lyn on January 4, 2017 at 12:53pm

thanks GrandmaH & Gary'swife.  Before my husband found out that he had cancer I was able to handle with confidence most interactions with people.  But the new me is a wreck!  My mind doesn't function as before. I make lists and write myself notes about what I have done because 2 days later I will not have a memory of what I did.   I have read that when someone goes thru a traumatic experience as caregiver and loss that it can take 2 plus years for the brain to its normal functioning ability.  With so many things to take care of I just may have to slow down even more. 

Comment by GrandmaH on January 4, 2017 at 12:32pm

Oh no, what a horrible experience you didn't need!  Panic attacks are nasty - I used to have them several years ago.  I was constantly worried my bladder cancer would return.

I do hope your banking situation was resolved and also hope the first person you spoke with will be taught better interpersonal skills.  We don't need extra stress!

Comment by Gary'swife on January 4, 2017 at 10:58am

Lyn-  I had the same thing happen to me!  The account doesn't have much money in it, and it is still open.  I guess I will call them again and ask to talk with a manager.  At the time I called, I just couldn't deal with it.

Thanks for reminding me....and sorry for what happened to you.

 I actually have thought about contacting the banking commission in the state where this account is located (TX) to file a complaint.

 

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