Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to widville@gmail.com.

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 633
Latest Activity: 15 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Grief and release at the same time?

Started by Germaine. Last reply by Terry Mar 31. 32 Replies

I am aware of two different forces acting from within me.  One is the downward weight of grief. The other is an upward energy that comes from the release from caregiving.  After 16 years of part time…Continue

Retreats?

Started by katjames. Last reply by katjames Jan 18. 12 Replies

Has anyone been to any retreats in the last few years that were especially meaningful and good????   I know there is Camp Widow, but I'm wondering if anyone has any organization they can recommend.…Continue

I'm Lost

Started by MickeysLove (Sandi). Last reply by my roses Dec 9, 2014. 19 Replies

So, 4 days ago marked the 2 month period.  I had joined a support "group" where you go and sit with other people and talk about whats bothering you. I had went 2 times, I'm not going anymore - I…Continue

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by MickeysLove (Sandi) Dec 3, 2014. 32 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

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Comment by Patience (Diane) on February 21, 2015 at 8:40pm
Steve, so sorry to hear about Josh and his struggles.... Praying for a miracle for him too.... And thank you for your wishes for a pain free night! ((((((Hugs)))))
Comment by Steve on February 20, 2015 at 8:11pm
Thanks Diane. Just recd a call from mikes sister in Indpls, we are very close and speak daily via txt and phone. Sadly her eldest son is a heroine addict and she is having a hard time letting go of him. She has been trying to help him for 6 yrs and has gone into debt over 100,000 in 2nd and 3 rd mortgages, has combed the streets of downtown cities for him countless times and has to give up. He just refuses to get help, been thru treatment centers, even though he has died twice from overdose. Sadly it's hopeless at this point and at 23 he is bound for really bad things, possibly death. Mike suffered from severe depression, bi polar issues, and I dealt with addiction problems w him for our yrs together too. Josh reminds us so much of Mike. Personality, temper, the whole thing. Josh has been diagnosed bi polar, but he hates the meds prescribed. So, it's a rough time. What's so bizarre, is that both Mike and josh both are such wonderful people, so loving, kind, sweet, when they are balanced w their meds, but getting them to take them and stay on them are very difficult things....
Anyway, I look at it as its out of our hands, and we just have to appreciate the wonderful times and heavenly times and forgive them for their disease. Hope a miracle happens for josh, that somehow he sees the light and accepts help and love that is waiting from us all. Thanks again and wishing you a pain free night.
Comment by Patience (Diane) on February 20, 2015 at 7:44pm
Steve, thinking of you today on Mike's 56th birthday ..... (((((Hugs))))))
Comment by Steve on February 20, 2015 at 6:39pm
Hi Diane and everyone. I'm so sorry to hear of your back issues and I hope you feel better very soon. Been staying busy today, as its Mikes bday today, he is 56 today. I'm reminded of the very first time I set eyes on him in early December of 1978, he was 19 and I 16. I thought he was the most handsome guy I had ever set eyes on and I felt such a connection to him as we spoke the first time, as if we allready knew each other. Anyway everyone take care
Comment by Patience (Diane) on February 19, 2015 at 9:58pm
Oh my goodness Steve! You have so much going on right now! I'm in my recliner chair following Drs orders... Walking was a little easier today and scheduled for PT tomorrow ... I am glad you were able to get your money back on the "lemon" good for you! I was reading about your search for a contractor for a ramp and some inside renovations. I too was searching for a ramp back in 2012 for Wayne. My research led me to believe that most people rent a ramp (long term rental) because they are very hard to build properly. Maybe that's just in NJ?!
Also, I have had good luck calling friends and getting referrals for contractors. After Wayne died I had to fix up a few things and found that if someone was highly recommended by a good customer of the contractor, that contractor was motivated to show up and get the job done right! I'm so happy that Chris is looking to avoid surgery and has already taken some steps to recovery. Sending hopes that all continues to go well... :-) Diane
Comment by Steve on February 19, 2015 at 9:27pm

Hi Diane, thanks so much for your response and well wishes. I truly appreciate it .  Things are coming together slowly but surely.  Chris and I are now in our new place and we LOVE it.  We are now unpacking, cleaning, setting up kitchen cabinets, and all that fun stuff  Tomorrow I plan on going furniture shopping.  Need to get mom a dresser and chris and I a new dresser, new dining table,(We now have formal dining room that is quite large).  I cant remember if I mentioned before, but I had purchased a brand new Nissan Altima last year that turned out to be a huge lemon.  Long story short I had to hire attorney to file suit, and we settled out of court for entire purchase price of car plus $2000 for hassle.  We finally got settlement check last frday and then Chris and I went car shopping and ended up with a new Dodge Charger !  LOL ! It is a very pretty car, but its loud and a big engine and it scares the heck out of me to drive it. But it was very inexpensive compared to the regular cars im used to getting, its huge inside and has a huge trunk so it will work out fine for us.  I just need to get used to driving it.  Im currently working with contractors, which has proved so frustrating. I have to have ramps installed for moms wheelchair down some stairs from the driveway, and then another small ramp up a stair to the door.  Also have gone thru 2 contractors so far, due to their tardiness and rudeness, trying to find someone to install handicapped rails and such in moms bath, and also need shelves built and hung throughout new apartment, large mirrors hung, artwork, stuff like that.  I cant believe how difficult it is to find a good reliable contractor!  I joined Angies List today and made my first call to a contractor to them today, we shall see how that works out. 

Tomorrow is Mikes birthday, my first partner.  Im trying not to think abou it too much, I have so much going on right now I don't have time for a pity party.  Also Mike passed March 1st 09, so that is approaching.

Chris and I have grown so close lately, he is such a wonderful guy.  I love him a lot  We are getting to know each other now, after 18 months together, to the point that we are teasing each other about our ways of doing things, and it feels good.  We laughed about a circumstance that came up where I tend to be a bit mouthy, to say the least, and Chris said, "You just sit here steve, I will handle this one, don't need the police called out today"!  lol.  That was a bit of an exaggeration, but I got his point.  lol.

Sorry to hear about your sciatica, that sucks, Chris suffers with it and drs keep pushing us towards surgery because of his discs problems, we shall see.  We are trying PT and excersise right now, he has lost 12 lbs and he says he is starting to feel  bit better. 

Tak care and lovehearing from you Diane and everyone.  gnite

  

Comment by Patience (Diane) on February 19, 2015 at 7:33pm
Hi Steve, you have certainly been facing more than your fair share of challenges! I've been nursing sciatica and back pain... So have been distracted and haven't had a chance to catch up with our little group up here... Hope things work out well for you, Chris and your parents! (((((Hugs))))
Diane
Comment by Steve on February 9, 2015 at 4:13am
I picture him rolling off his/ her chair in laughter, that I actually say yes to the challenges. "Oh this is going to be a good one". Let's see what steve does with this one!!!!
I'm amazed at the life changing decisions I am making for people that I hardly know, it feels like I blind fold myself and throw a dart, where it lands, ok, that's what we will do! Lol.
But I hold onto that I do really care, I try so hard and couldn't do more. So if it all collapses around me, I did the best I could and we will go from there.
I am glad I'm still here, and facing these challenges. Mom keeps saying I'm doing a great job, and I'm learning so much. I'm taking a crash course in life, and learning life skills at a rapid speed, I hope. Lol. When I sit back and remember what used to be a stressful day for me, prior to Mike becoming ill, I just laugh.
I hope I learn what I need to learn, and hope there is a purpose to it all. I never asked for Mike to pass, never asked for my parents to become frail and need me, not my fault my parents never had another child so they might possibly have a sane, smart, bright kid to handle all this shit, and not have to rely on crazy, neurotic me. If it's not me, than its attorneys and trust officers making decisions. ick!
Anyway, thanks for listening and letting me vent. It's been a rough month!
Gnite.
Comment by Steve on February 9, 2015 at 3:58am
Hi everyone. I found myself a bit under the weather today, and a bit off. I have been so busy taking care of mom and dad, all their affairs and bills and so on, looking for a new place to live before our lease expires feb 20th, preparing my mom to move in with Chris and I, and then my partner Chris took a hard fall in mid January, and although no broken bones or concussion, the following day he woke up in horrible pain and come to find out he had a DVT which stands for blood lot in his leg. He required injections of a blood thinner two times per day, and also was required to keep his foot elevated all day, exception going to restroom and shower, and monitor his pain meds. It's been a really stressful, time since Xmas. Mom has fallen twice and ended up in the hospital, dad is failing fast, advanced late stage dimensia, Chris's mom had a really big scare with cancer, but everyone has turned out to be ok. Thank goodness. This morning I woke to get the house cleaned and picked up and then planned on going to visit mom, take her some of her favorite tacos, visit a bit, then come home to work on packing some more. But as I drove to the taco stand, I realized I had a really sad feeling I was fighting. I realized I had woke with it, and pushed it aside because I have stuff to do. People are counting on me. As I thought for a moment, quieted my brain with all the "to do's" going on, I realized that mikes birthday was coming up on Feb 20th and the 6th anniversary of his passing is March 1st. I thought, no wonder, I'm sad today. As I ordered at the drive through, tears started to well up in my eyes, and I thought how stupid that I was going to see mom, when I felt so shitty, but I had already called her and I know she was getting dressed and ready for me to arrive with her tacos. We sat and ate our tacos together, and as we ate, I shared with her that I was feeling sad today, and shared with her the reasons. She understood, and was sweet. We finished the tacos, and I told her I needed to get home. When I got home, I started to make more boxes, and Chris and I packed up all our family pictures, and the living room. The movers are coming Wednesday. I came across a picture on some shelves of Mike, our dear friend Marta and I sitting on a sofa in our beach house prior to Mike getting sick. It was such a happy day, and it brought good memories, but sadly Marta passed in April 13 of lung cancer at 54.
We had been friends since I was 16, and were so close. She was so great at mikes funeral, cussing like a sailor, making fun of everybody's outfits, and the funeral director trying to make me laugh. I miss her.
I haven't been to mikes grave in yrs, I have only been there once, and every time I have thought about going, it made me ill, but maybe I will go on his bday or anniversary of passing. I kind of get confused, between wanting to move on, and wanting to hold on. I tell myself, why do you want to go there? It's not going to bring Mike back, all it's going to do is make you sad, and you are wanting to move on. I'm only hurting myself by going. But we shall see.
I'm proud of myself how hard I have fought to get back to life, keep going and not give up and leave. I have made a lot of progress in a bunch of areas, but still I feel so incompetent, to take over moms care, take over all our finances. Pay all our bills, and manage healthcare, and meals and so on. It's very overwhelming to me, but it has presented itself to me and I have said yes. I feel it's meant to be. My folks and I didn't have a relationship for over 30 yrs, so I'm grateful for this opportunity, I just hope I dont f it up. The more challenges I face since Mike passed, the more responsibilities I'm offered. I sit in my car and say to God " really? Are you kidding? Are you asleep ? What makes you think I can handle this?? It's humerous to me at times. I think to myself, what a sense of humor God has.
Comment by Steve on February 7, 2015 at 2:37pm
Hi Diane and gaining strength, lol I get it, yes the winter can be rough.
 

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