Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Long-term illness

For those widowed by cancer AND other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

We now also have a "Long Term Illness" discussion forum in the PERENNIAL main forum. Questions? Widville@gmail.com

Members: 608
Latest Activity: on Tuesday

Group greeters

Dianne in Nevada and Celestia have agreed to greet and coordinate for this group! Thank you, ladies!

Discussion Forum

I'm Lost

Started by MickeysLove. Last reply by Steve Oct 24. 16 Replies

So, 4 days ago marked the 2 month period.  I had joined a support "group" where you go and sit with other people and talk about whats bothering you. I had went 2 times, I'm not going anymore - I…Continue

Grief and release at the same time?

Started by Germaine. Last reply by Vettegirl Oct 18. 29 Replies

I am aware of two different forces acting from within me.  One is the downward weight of grief. The other is an upward energy that comes from the release from caregiving.  After 16 years of part time…Continue

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by ebwilkie Oct 16. 31 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

Anyone ever have a sense of peace?

Started by Timetoheal. Last reply by Juls Sep 17. 38 Replies

Has anyone been doing normal chores or random things around the house and had a feeling of calm or peace come over them? As if your loved one is standing there with you or just brushing by you to let…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by Widowdad33 on October 13, 2014 at 6:05pm
Shell, I can relate to what you said about having fleeting thoughts of divorce. For about a year before my wife was diginosed with cancer I was feeling neglected. She would do stuff with her friends, but when I wanted to do stuff she just wanted to "stay in and watch TV". (Our sex life was also less than passionate). I actually considered the possibility she was having an affair. Looking back, I believe the cancer was slowing her down. I want to believe she felt she did not have to put up a front with me. I am still working through my emotions. Though she was sick for two years before she died, I was so concerned with taking care of her I forgot about these feelings. Since her death these emotions keep coming back.
Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on October 13, 2014 at 2:37pm

Shell -

Hi. I'm so sorry for what you went through.  I wanted to respond because of what you said about guilt and not knowing if you made the right decision, etc...

We can never know.  We all just did - and do - the best we could at the time, and you need to try to make that your new mantra:  "I did the best I could.  We loved each other.  I did the best I could..."  because it doesn't really matter now.  I think we all go through it, though.  Hugs. 

Comment by shell on October 13, 2014 at 10:15am

Jocelyn and lonelyinaz, I have seen the video on Brittany and I am so sorry for the journey she is on. 3 years ago today was the day my husband Jon had his 1st seizure and diagnosed with the same brain cancer monster GBM. He had not been acting quite himself at times just small things and things that now when we look back were out of character, but just thought he was 48 and maybe he was just getting ornery in his old age. There were things he said or did but then shrugged them off like they were normal. I even had fleeting thoughts of divorce he would be so angry at times. I went to bed before him upset with him, now I don't remember why.. but not sure I said I love you before I went to bed. I woke up that night on the 13th to a banging noise and thought I don't know what the heck he's doing now  I'm not getting up... but thankfully that was just a passing thought. I found him in the bathroom wedged between the toilet and the door having a grand mal seizure and his nightmare began.. He was diagnosed that day with a tumor and had surgery. He endured chemo, radiation, multiple seizures, hospitalizations, rehab, feeding tube, clots, a shunt and so much more. His life never returned to normal and neither did he. He needed someone with him 24/7 from the beginning.
He was never able to make any decisions for himself from that first seizure. He tried but just could not grasp it all.Our sons and I had to make the decisions and it was the hardest thing we have ever done. I would have given anything to know his thoughts, his desires his wishes and input.. to know what he would have wanted but he was not able to... He fought for 14 months and lived through what I can only surmise hell is. I live with regrets and guilt everyday on the decisions we made. Not sure we would make the same ones again. I so wished that he would have been able to make his own decisions with us regarding his treatment and his life but that was not the case.

I too think he would have considered the decision that Brittany has made and in all honesty I think he would have chosen it. My heart goes out to Brittany and her family and all those dealing with cancer.

Comment by my roses on October 11, 2014 at 7:49am

Have been sent this info about  Cancer. It can cost about $1.4 million to treat a person with Stage 4 cancer.

Quote "If you or someone you know is suffering from cancer, you owe it to yourself to listen to this extraordinary broadcast and expand your options and knowledge about treating cancer.  You can register to hear the whole broadcast on your computer.  It is starting on or about 13th October.

  Here is the link to 28 Doctors, 11 Scientists, 9 Survivors And 1 "FDA Dragon Slaying"  Attorney Break Their 'Code Of Silence' And Expose The
TRUTH About Cancer And Exactly How To Prevent,
Treat And Beat it 100% Naturally - See more at:

http://thetruthaboutcancer.com/fall_quest1.php?af=1587332#sthash.LX...

Or go to naturalnews.com  and search for this 

profound and interesting video.

http://thetruthaboutcancer.com/fall_quest1.php?af=1587332

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on October 9, 2014 at 11:35pm
Dear lonelyinaz. I lost my wonderful husband to brain cancer as well. He was perfectly healthy before being diagnosed with a deadly GBM and given 4 months to live. I took a leave from my job and took care of him for 20 months.
Our 28 year old daughter saw the article about that dear Brittany and sent it to me. The day she has chosen to die will be the 2nd anniversary of my husband's death. He endured brain surgery, 6 weeks of chemo and radiation, weekly blood work for nearly 2 years, monthly oral chemo, emergency hospitalizations too numerous to count, more radiation, countless brain CT scans, brain MRIs with dye, shingles, blood clots, then weekly IV chemo once the oral chemo stopped working, expressive aphasia, and finally, lost the ability to walk, talk and even see. He was completely bedridden the last month of his life, and his brother moved in with us, because I could not lift him myself anymore. I was so grateful to have had this time with him, but our kids saw him fade away from us every day. We were h.s. sweethearts and married for 37 happy years. I will miss him for the rest of my life.
He was a proud but private man. He hated all the attention he got for having cancer. I dare say if he could have made the choice that Brittany has, he would have considered it.
Sending prayers to her and her family. A choice none of us would ever want to have to make...
Comment by lonelyinaz on October 9, 2014 at 8:57pm

Since losing my wonderful hubby to brain cancer (very deadly tumor), I'm so in tune with the young newlywed, Brittany, that lives in Oregon, and has the right to decide when and how she will pass from her terminal condition.  My hubby kept telling me, "gotta go, gotta go soon".  But, unfortunately; he had to wait until he was brought all the way back to being like a child again before the door opened for him.  And, no, I'm not trying to get into any discussion regarding end of life legal issues, etc.  Just wanted to tell some widows/widowers that understand.  Thx.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on October 9, 2014 at 5:13pm

Dear Dave55:

First of all, I'm so sorry for what you went though.  8 years is a very long time, and even if you didn't realize it at the time, you were a caregiver all that time. And at 2 - 3 months, yes, you are still numb, and that's okay.  The numbness will eventually wear off.  As for spending your life with someone, yes, I'm sure your wife would want you to be happy, but you are right that you need to be sure you're ready to move on to be with that other person, and are in a good place as far as your grief goes - if that even ever happens!  Hang in there.  

Comment by Dave55 on October 9, 2014 at 10:35am

Hugs Widowdad,

I'm midpoint between 2 and three months now, 11 weeks yesterday Wednesday.  She was sick for 8 years with the cancer and I still didn't feel prepared, I found during a walk in the woods that I was still numb.

I feel deep down that I need to share my life with another, but I still have the grief to work thru first before I can honestly approach that.  Several others on the site like my roses have noted that being with a companion improves our outlook and health, and I believe Sue would have wanted me to be happy for the next 20 to 30 years or longer I may be here.  Wishing you well on this sucky journey we are on.

Comment by Widowdad33 on October 8, 2014 at 9:31pm
I am feeling pretty good today. The anger I had last week seems to have gone. I hope it does not come back! Still not sure about my future. it is hard to imagine my life with out my wife. I do not have hope yet, but I have hope that I will have hope ( I know that sound stupid). It will be 2 months this weekend that my wife died, but she was sick with cancer for two years. Maybe her long sicknesses got me prepared for being alone.
Comment by sueprnova on October 6, 2014 at 10:35am

Dave55, 

I certainly don't envy your point in this journey.  I'm glad something I said may have helped.  

It's a tough road, but not impossible. I will ALWAYS advocate for making connections face to face/group/1 on 1.  Being with people who get it is so important.

Peace, Sue

 

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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

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