Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Long-term illness

For those widowed by cancer AND other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

We now also have a "Long Term Illness" discussion forum in the PERENNIAL main forum. Questions? Widville@gmail.com

Members: 631
Latest Activity: Mar 14

Group Greeter

Please welcome Patience (Diane) as your group greeter.

Discussion Forum

Retreats?

Started by katjames. Last reply by katjames Jan 18. 12 Replies

Has anyone been to any retreats in the last few years that were especially meaningful and good????   I know there is Camp Widow, but I'm wondering if anyone has any organization they can recommend.…Continue

Grief and release at the same time?

Started by Germaine. Last reply by goingon (Cynthia) Dec 21, 2014. 31 Replies

I am aware of two different forces acting from within me.  One is the downward weight of grief. The other is an upward energy that comes from the release from caregiving.  After 16 years of part time…Continue

I'm Lost

Started by MickeysLove (Sandi). Last reply by my roses Dec 9, 2014. 19 Replies

So, 4 days ago marked the 2 month period.  I had joined a support "group" where you go and sit with other people and talk about whats bothering you. I had went 2 times, I'm not going anymore - I…Continue

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by MickeysLove (Sandi) Dec 3, 2014. 32 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on January 17, 2015 at 8:17am
Oh Maggie. I'm so sorry for all of your painful losses. My dad fought ALS for 2 years and died at 70. My husband of 37 years, who was perfectly healthy, was diagnosed w braim cancer and given just months to live!! He was treated aggressively and lasted 21 months. I exercise, eat as healthy as possible, help my mom and others, spend quality time w our grown kids, found a new honby (pottery), made some new friends, etc. nothing prepared me for yje searing loneliness and yearning to be part of a couple again. Death doesn't kill love. I'm still in live w my husband!
Comment by Maggie on January 17, 2015 at 7:15am
Jocelyn...I'm so sorry....I'm heading towards the two year mark in July. It has never gotten better...only deeper inside to where the pain doesn't surface as much. I only sleep with the help of Benadryl . My Mom died of ovarian cancer when she was 80. My husband had no cancer in his family, but got brain cancer at 68 and was gone. I've tried so hard to adjust and make a new life. It worked some for awhile, but lately this "trying" seems to come up empty
Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on January 17, 2015 at 2:49am
I should be sleeping. Very sad today. My love has.been gone two years, two months and 16 days. My sweet father, who died from ALS 13 years ago, would have been 83 today. My best friend since kindergarten just had her only sinling dxd w stage iv pancreatic cancer that is already in her liver. It cannot be treated w surgery or radiation, only palliative chemo. My heart is breaking for what both girls will have to go thru now and later. Brings all the emotional pain of watching my husband battle cancer rushing back to my heart and head. Haven't been sleeping well. Miss my old life w my husband. Sorry to be such a downer, but know I will find understanding here.
Comment by Janna on January 15, 2015 at 6:25am

Thank you patience and goingon for your kind words.  Yes, I agree one of the hardest things is being alone and not being able to do stuff.  I am tearing my hair out trying to get some simple quotes on jobs and can't even get tradesmen to call me back...so frustrating

And yes patience, being around other happy couples is quite heart breaking...wonder do we ever get used to it?

Sending hugs also to Kokobean...this is a great place to share your feelings and receive support...lovely people.  Take it easy ((( )))

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on January 14, 2015 at 12:45pm
I agree that a positive can help one survive, although not always. My love was given four months to live when dxd with brain cancer. We fought it together, he went back to work, and he survived 21 months of aggressive treatment. Brain surgery, 6 weeks of radiation, chemo, weekly blood work, stereotactic radiation, every other week of IV chemo, etc. Frankly, I believe he thought he could beat it by just continuing to work hard and denying that he was ill. It worked for him, LOL. Sure do miss him!!
Comment by Gaining Strength on January 14, 2015 at 11:21am

Hi Cynthia,

I understand about not being able to concentrate long enough to study and learn. Same here. I have been unable to concentrate since 2011 when my husband passed. I was 55 when he died, and 52 at diagnosis. At that time, I was fully engrossed and doing well in my job. After diagnosis, I fought to keep my clients while taking care of him. Little by little, my income was reduced until today when I was told that I will be put down one level and as such I will be earning less. Even that is not sufficient to make me try harder. My brain knows that I want back what I lost but my body says no.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on January 13, 2015 at 10:56pm

alwayshopeful - thank you.  I wish so, too.  However, it seems to be part of life.  Cancer had been around as long as we have, it's just that people didn't have all the tools of diagnosis thousands of years ago; but archeologists have found evidence.  And science tells us what I already said - we all have these cells in our bodies; in some of us, the cells take hold and we can't fight it off, in some of us, they don't because we can destroy them.  Our immune systems are really pretty amazing.  When  you look at the early AIDS research, we learned a lot about our immune systems and viruses and how it all works and why some people get a disease, while others simply don't.  I can't explain it very well; it's been too long since I've been down that road!  But I majored in biology and taught science, and it's come so far in such a short time.  It's like neuroscience.  I was a therapist after I taught, and we've learned so much about the brain and neurobiology since I first started, and it's all influenced how most therapists do therapy now.  It's influenced how parents parent, based on what we now know; there's just so much.  We can stop some cancers; some we can't.  Just as we evolve and learn more, cancers evolve and become more and more resistance, like bacteria.  We used to have a simple cures for sexually transmitted disease with antibiotics; now  we have antibiotic resistant strains STD's for example.  Bacteria replicates every 20 minutes; each time it replicates, it mutates.  These mutations involve complex  series of DNA and amino acids which change each time it mutates, becoming more and more resistant.  Part of this is due to our overuse of things like Purell; we need to expose ourselves to bacteria or we won't be able to fight it off.  It's the same for viruses, and we know some cancers - like cervical - are often due to viruses.  So it's a very complex story, and it's not as simple as just saying "Cancer sucks"; although yes, it does.  But once it takes hold, it's a bitch to get rid of.  We know that there's a strong mind-body connection with dis-ease now.  A positive attitude can help; a negative one can cause a person to get sicker faster, etc.  I could go on and on... this makes me realize how much I'm missing the intellectual stimulation of being in the practice of doing therapy!  And just being able to concentrate long enough to "study" and learn.  I simply seem to have lost the ability to concentrate since Don died. I know that's not what he would have wanted, but my brain doesn't seem to want to cooperate with my desires!  Thanks of letting me get this out!

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on January 13, 2015 at 10:40pm

Cynthia and Idaho. Thinking of you. Wish there was some way we could stop all this darn cancer.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on January 13, 2015 at 9:41pm

Cancer sucks, yes.  It took my husband - my love, my partner, my best friend, my children's father and my soul mate - and my aunts, a cousin and I can't even say how many others.  I've know too many who died because of it.  We all have cells in our bodies that have the potential to become what we call cancer.  Some of us have immune systems that kill off these cells before they grown into tumors; some of us don't.  My husband had rectal cancer; but he also had Crohn's Disease- inflammatory bowel disease - and only had 7 feet of small intestine left when they found the cancer.  He couldn't fight it off; his poor body was so worn out from fighting Crohn's Disease for over 30 years - when we got the prognosis, he told our daughter in a way it was a relief; he could stop fighting and just rest.  I have a friend whose husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died 16 days later.  They had a 10 year old daughter.  How does one every recover from that?  There's no time to process; to be with your loved one; to care for them or just let them know you're there.  And then there's a child to deal with, help with her grief, and help her heal, too.  I don't know how she did it.  

Comment by idaho on January 13, 2015 at 9:30pm

yes i agree. where i live 6 people in our neighborhood either had brain (which is what my husband died from) or breast cancer. yet they tested water etc. and said its just a coincidence- i am not convinced! cancer does suck!!!!

 

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