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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to widville@gmail.com.

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 697
Latest Activity: 3 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by FootballGeek Oct 25. 40 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

NYT article

Started by WittyBlondeWolverine. Last reply by Slick Oct 25. 7 Replies

This article resonated with me on so many levels. It's very true that I have so many people to do something with... but nobody to do nothing with.

What are your thoughts about "Dating"?

Started by Patience (Diane). Last reply by Patience (Diane) Oct 16. 9 Replies

What are your feelings about "dating"? As a person who was a long term caregiver, do you sometimes have mixed feelings? Have you joined a dating site? Do you NOT want to date?

NY Mag Article "The Day I started Lying to Ruth" by a cancer doctor on losing his wife to cancer

Started by Patience (Diane). Last reply by Patience (Diane) Sep 24. 23 Replies

Has anyone read this article?  It stopped me in my tracks yesterday. http://nymag.com/news/features/cancer-peter-bach-2014-5/Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by Widowdad33 on August 27, 2016 at 10:18am
It's been 2-years for me, and I still feel the loneliness. I miss the life my wife and I should be living.

The probably with dating is you can't rush things. I dated a women for 5 or 6 months. We both went too fast. We really we were not a good match, but I realize I held because I didn't want to be alone. The breakup has put me in a "funk", missing my wife even more
Comment by Slick on August 27, 2016 at 8:21am

Oh Amg10...yes I have tried dating for a couple of years...since all of my girlfriends passed away young...I was 57 when Bill died....I had no choice but online dating...made 3 really great friends...who I still am in touch with 3 years later....met no one who I wanted to continue to date....men my age aren't worth it..they want 30 year olds and haven't looked in a mirror in years....LOL.....some are dirty , unkept...YUCK!!! if the right man come along , I would try to form a relationship with him....but if he doesnt...I won't settle for whoever...

Comment by Amg10 on August 27, 2016 at 8:15am
Ok. Slick and Cynthia, if you don't mind my asking, 5 1/2 years.. I know me and I know I can't do that. I'll never make it that long. I guess I'm co dependent.. Have you guys dated? Do you just not want to? Cuz I know you have to be close to my age I just turned 40 but I can't give up the next 30-40 years of life. No, I'm not ready to marry tomorrow, but for y'all is it a decision you guys have made to not be in a new relationship? Is it something that's just too hard to do?
Comment by Slick on August 27, 2016 at 8:02am

Amg10....I have to say that CYnthia put things perfectly..I am also at 5 1/2 years...and the loneliness is still the same..sadly I have also gotten used to it....at times I hate it but they have become less and less...I am still trying to find me...after trying many different things...none of which worked out...I cry, I smile, I laugh...I have stopped going out as much as I used to because being alone so much is not something I recommend...I feel as if I can't even make conversation anymore....take care of you ...one minute at a time is that's what you have to do..smile when you can and cry when you have to......Peace

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on August 27, 2016 at 7:20am

Amg10 - no it's not just you.  The loneliness IS brutal.  I'm at 5 and 1/2 years and the loneliness is every present.  And I tend to shy away from people, too... it's hard to put on a happy face sometimes.  But it does get easier to bear in some strange way; like I've gotten used to being alone, but not... 

You're still so very early on in this journey you are undertaking; be kind to yourself; cry when you have to; and it's okay to laugh and smile, too.  I also have no clue to my identity; we were a couple, we were supposed to grow old together and enjoy these retirement years... and being alone it's hard to "enjoy" anything.  But take it one day at a time; baby steps.  It does changes.  I can't say it gets easier or better, but it does get different.  Hugs.

Comment by Amg10 on August 26, 2016 at 4:05pm
Is it just me or.. For me it is sort of hard to explain but the lonliness is brutal. Yet I find it so difficult to be around people. I think I feel like everyone is waiting and watching me to see how I'm gonna act maybe? And then although lonely, I feel uncomfortable around SO many people. I think because I feel I have to be "normal". Because they will freak out if I just burst into tears..so it's easier to be alone.. It's only been 8 weeks and I have no clue of my identity yet. I have no clue of anything at this point. I have no patience for people. The only thing I've done that I seem to like is I joined the gym. I can go there as long as I wish and not be "alone" but be "alone". I miss my life. And I thought it was lacking. What little I knew. It was perfect.
Comment by icecream on August 25, 2016 at 3:51am

Everyone is so supportive here. Haven't posted in awhile, it's been about 4 years for us. Lost husband at age 46 in 2012 - colon cancer - 3 daughters. Your posts remind me of the early 'fog' days. Things will clear, eventually. Only focus on the critical financial things and your kids right now. The rest will come later. It took me 2 years to join a grief group and find this website - I was too busy juggling the plates of life to seek out any help. Sure helped when I did.  You're already helping yourself get through this, and hopefully others will too. Hang in there, we understand.

Comment by Slick on August 25, 2016 at 3:33am

I understand lonelyinaz....I;m so sorry....I have no regrets of retiring at 54 ....and taking 3 1/2 years of doing not a thing but being Bill's sole caregiver.....I will never regret taking care of him, being by his side and being his advocate for so many years....when he passed ..I think I out of it for the first year....I went to 2 grief groups, saw my  kids and grandkids, went to bed at 9 and slept until 9 for one year..no change in routine..then the full inpact hit me....I wish you all of God's peace...

Comment by lonelyinaz on August 24, 2016 at 9:06pm
3 plus and i still wake up finding it hard to believe i no longer am needed to look out for him. Was a tough road but
I miss tht job and was proud to be his wife.
Comment by Gaining Strength on August 24, 2016 at 10:00am

Inafog and Slpc, Peace be with you. My deepest condolences to both of you. I concur with Slick and Cynthia. I remember my experience at the stage you are both at. I had not slept well for years (during the illness) that I slept for long hours after the funeral. I would go to bed at 9pm each night because I was so worn out. It is definitely strange not having him to take care of. It will soon be 5 years but I still think of him constantly and grieve his loss. I keep a lot of my feelings to myself because not everyone understands. This site was the best thing for my survival. Take care of yourselves and remember, baby steps.

 

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