Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation


Long-term illness

For those widowed by cancer AND other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

We now also have a "Long Term Illness" discussion forum in the PERENNIAL main forum. Questions? Widville@gmail.com

Members: 558
Latest Activity: 6 hours ago

Group greeters

Dianne in Nevada and Celestia have agreed to greet and coordinate for this group! Thank you, ladies!

Discussion Forum

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by Doug02122014 6 hours ago. 20 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

Grief and release at the same time?

Started by Germaine. Last reply by icecream on Monday. 15 Replies

I am aware of two different forces acting from within me.  One is the downward weight of grief. The other is an upward energy that comes from the release from caregiving.  After 16 years of part time…Continue

Anyone ever have a sense of peace?

Started by Timetoheal. Last reply by Maria Louisa Mar 6. 32 Replies

Has anyone been doing normal chores or random things around the house and had a feeling of calm or peace come over them? As if your loved one is standing there with you or just brushing by you to let…Continue

Comment Wall


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Comment by Germaine on March 11, 2014 at 7:39pm

Cynthia,  I have not been through anything like this but I have, in my fears of the future, thought about such situations.  I agree 100% that you need to arrange for rehab placement after the surgery.  A week or two there could teach you what you need to survive at home.  You've already readied the house with meals for yourself and you can think through the best/easiest/safest ways to get around because you know how to do all of that from having been a caregiver.  Now you need to be your own caregiver.  I am SO sorry you have to go through this but you have done this kind of thing before. You did it for Don. He would have done it for you and he would want you to do it for yourself.  Talk with the doc. Arrange for rehab after surgery.  Take care. You are supported from afar.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on March 11, 2014 at 7:23pm

I really don't know where else to post this, so I'm going to put it here and I welcome any feedback.

I'm scheduled to have back surgery April 8.  I have no one who can stay with me at home when I am released from the hospital. I had back surgery in 2008, but I had Don at home, and my daughter was nearby.  Now I'm alone. One of my daughters has a new baby, and I wouldn't even ask her to come.  The other one, well, she's the one with the idiot husband who won't "let" her have contact with me (but she still emails me...), and she can't come for a week; her job, her kids, her husband... I really think she would come if she was so afraid of her husband leaving her (although she'd be so much better off without him!). 

So I've been very depressed lately, and I finally put it together that I think I'm depressed because every time I think about the surgery (and who wouldn't get depressed facing surgery anyway?) I think about being alone, and I think about not having Don here... well, I'm anxious about what I'm going to do after, and the thought of having to come home with maybe a caregiver, or someone I don't know, makes me anxious.  The last time I had back surgery I couldn't have taken care of myself for the first week, and this surgery will be more intense and I'll have more than one incision.  So I've put in a call to the doctor to ask him to please arrange after care for me at a skilled nursing facility or rehab, at least for a week, or until I can manage for myself.  Insurance will cover a facility, but they won't cover a caregiver at home which is less costly.  Figures, doesn't it?  And we all scratch our heads about the cost of insurance.  I have a neighbor who is happy to check in on me, but I don't have anyone I can ask to stay here with me, and it's at night, getting out of bed that I remember needing help with, not to mention being able to prepare - even reheat - meals.

I'm stocking my freezer with homemade meals and I'll have plenty of frozen meals, but I'll still need someone who can prepare them and clean up for at least a week. 

I'm just anxious and then I get depressed.  I just needed to share it with someone who "gets it."  Thanks.  Has anyone been through this? 

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on March 3, 2014 at 4:00pm

Feelinglonely - yes.  I agree!

Doggie comments: - thank you everyone for the feedback.  Yeah, I'm not sure about the invisible fencing, either.  I live on two lakes with open space and people are always walking their dogs - often off the leash which is "against the rules" and are posted.   Your dog may be friendly but you never know when he'll run up to a dog that's not so friendly!  But yeah; little dogs do better with no yards.  A lot of apartment dwellers seem to do okay with dogs and no yard!

Comment by feelinglonely on March 3, 2014 at 1:41pm

I think it's great that we are able to  talk about anything that can make us forget for a few minutes.

Comment by feelinglonely on March 3, 2014 at 1:39pm

My brother had invisible fencing at his home in NC and the smart doggies still escaped.  Never like the idea of them getting a shock.  After a while, they learn to stay in the yard.

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on March 3, 2014 at 1:34pm

Neignbors of our have two largish dogs (labradoodles, I believe), and they have the electric fence. I have never seen the dogs go outside their area and have seen them playing outside every day. Works for them.

Comment by Schneesmom (Denise) on March 3, 2014 at 1:26pm

I would not trust invisible fencing.  If a dog really wants something outside the fence, he will go through the fence, experience the shock and keep going.  Many dog trainers do not like them because of the shock and the cruelty issue.  

 A lot of communities have dog parks that are great for letting a dog run and play. If I had a small dog and no yard to fence in, I would take it to the dog park and then walk it regularly for bathroom visits.  

Comment by ANGEL(Lauren) on March 3, 2014 at 1:23pm

Cynthia ... there is a discussion about pets. http://widowedvillage.org/forum/topics/the-effect-of-pets

 A little different to what we've been talking about.  I think it's great how we've been able to discuss this here.  Not really sure it matters whether we are in the 'right spot' or not.  

Sorry, I don't know anything about invisible fencing.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on March 3, 2014 at 9:57am

Does anyone know anything about those "invisible" fences?  A wire runs underground and the dog's collar gives off a small shock if he crosses the wire.  I am renting, and have a small area like a patio but it's open.  I've noticed some of the places do have wooden fences, but I guess you have to get permission from the HOA.  Maybe If I offered to pay for it, the owners would let me put up a lowish fence for a small dog... who isn't a jumper!  We should have a pet discussion forum...

Comment by Schneesmom (Denise) on March 3, 2014 at 6:35am

I know for sure--100% sure--that I would not be here if I did not have my pets.  They make coming home to a place where Terry's isn't anymore a bit easier.  Having them to care for and love is what has kept me from jumping off the cliff into utter despair.  I have dogs (3--1 Newfoundland and 2 Saint Bernards), cats (too many) and a Chinchilla.  They all need me to take care of them, so that is what I do.  

Pets give unconditional love.  I often tell people that a pet will only hurt you once and that is when it goes to the Rainbow Bridge.  The rest of the time, they are loving companions.  Replacing the fence in the backyard was on my list of things to have done around here, but it wasn't at the top of the list.  After 2 of my dogs got out of the fence a few weeks ago, I made it a priority and had a new fence put in last week.  One less thing to worry about.  To know that my dogs are safe while they are outside is enough for me.


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