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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 713
Latest Activity: May 2

Discussion Forum

Feelings of freedom, guilt, sorrow and loneliness

Started by Nacho2017. Last reply by Steve Apr 13. 16 Replies

My name is Rich and Nacho is my dog.  I should start off by telling you a little bit about me.   My soul mate (Patti, passed away may 15, 2016) had Multiple Sclerosis for 30 Yrs.  The last several…Continue

Tags: Nacho

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by Athena53 Apr 8. 42 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

What are your thoughts about "Dating"?

Started by Patience (Diane). Last reply by Athena53 Jan 6. 10 Replies

What are your feelings about "dating"? As a person who was a long term caregiver, do you sometimes have mixed feelings? Have you joined a dating site? Do you NOT want to date?

NYT article

Started by WittyBlondeWolverine. Last reply by Slick Oct 25, 2016. 7 Replies

This article resonated with me on so many levels. It's very true that I have so many people to do something with... but nobody to do nothing with.

Comment Wall

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Comment by Slick on January 5, 2017 at 3:04pm

No Susan ,it isn't easy at all...I am just about at 6 years...I did the dating site thing..years 2-3.....I agree with you 100%....I met no one nice...they either wanted coffee and in bed...which was a NO......or you had to look 30 for them to even talk to you....how many times I wanted to write.."when is the last time you looked in a mirror" they are sloppy, neat a haircut, don't even smell good....I stopped and put it in God's hands....if and when I meet someone it will be in person...and not be a creep......I have gotten used to being alone...not that I like it all the time...but would prefer it to most of what's out there our age

So glad you found a place to move and are happy there...I have gone through the multiple changes we all go through and am happy and at peace most of the time...I 've wanted to move for two years and can't seem to find where I want to be...I'm sure when the time is right , I;ll find the place of my dreams...God bless and be well

Comment by booktime (Susan) on January 5, 2017 at 2:45pm

Feelinglonely, I was just about ready to give up and then I talked to my SIL (who lost her husband 5 years ago) and she has just met someone on the dating site! They've been dating a few months now and it seems they are pretty good.

So I said, ok I'll try one more time on that same site. It's only been a few days but it is so discouraging. What can these guys even understand about me?

I'm locked in for 3 months but I swear this will be it. I need to move on. I need to enjoy being on my own even tho I am feeling how unfair it is.

I am probably pretty low on confidence as well.I'm confident in other areas, just not this one.

I also did move from my cape to a townhouse and that was the best thing I have done! I love it, I am less than a mile from work, I have fantastic neighbors (on the other side of the wall), and I love the community.

There's a lot to be grateful and sometimes I just am not!

Hugs.

Comment by feelinglonely on January 5, 2017 at 2:05pm

Susan--Ive been told to go on these dating sites--I know it is the thing to do nowadays.  Who the hell is going to want a 68 year old woman with all the hang-ups that widowhood has given me.  It's been so long (6.5 yrs) that Ive had any male companionship--I met my husband the year I graduated high school, we were married 41 years, and Ive now been widowed 6.5 years.  I dont think I would know what to do or say.  Damned if we do and damned if we dont.  And who wants to feel rejected???  I no longer have any confidence.  Sad, isnt it??

Comment by feelinglonely on January 5, 2017 at 1:58pm

Elaine--all the widows I know from church are in their late 70's and 80's.  They are all very sweet--all we really have in common is that we have are alone.  I keep busy, but even around people Im still lonely.  The worst is coming home to an empty house.  I am still wearing my wedding rings--I cant imagine taking them off--I am standing in place.  I thought about moving from my townshouse into an over 55 development but there are not many choices in my area.  Maybe the pet idea is good--too bad one wouldnt show up on my doorstep!!!  Take care Maggie.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on January 5, 2017 at 1:56pm

I am strangely comforted by all of your stories. Into my fourth year, I still have some focus issues. And I do make mistakes. No where as often as in the beginning of this journey but I do. At almost 63 I know life can still throw me some changes but I am beginning to think why should I look for anyone. I am on a dating site but the conclusion I am coming to is that I am just not attractive. These old dudes are looking for a sweet little thing - now that's harsh, I know, but it's how i am feeling. These old dudes are not all that good looking!

I did adopt a 12 year old cat and she gives me such companionship: greets me, curls up next to me on the couch, and sleeps on my bed. I recommend adopting a senior - after all, that's what we are!

So I guess what I am trying to accept more is being on my own and enjoy it. It ain't easy.

Hugs to all.

Comment by Maggie on January 5, 2017 at 1:10pm
I agree, feeling lonely....I'm about to be 70 and feel so all alone even though I have a few friends and keep busy. I feel I'm in a limbo age. Most widows I know personally are in their late 70's or early 80's and time is on their side even though I know it hurts for any age. And then others I've run across that are married, I discover some were widowed in their 50's and have had a whole new life for 20 years or so. I do think pets help and I think a cat in particular, do to easy care, would be ideal.
Comment by feelinglonely on January 5, 2017 at 9:35am

It has been 6 1/2 yrs since my husband passed.  At times, I still find it very hard to concentrate--I used to read all the time, now the books lay there and lay there and I just cant get into it.  I can watch movies at home, but am not able to go to a movie theater--just seeing couples together ruins it for me.  There really is nothing I enjoy doing anymore.

One of the other groups have been talking about getting pets.  Ive thought about it--but, I have no motivation to go out and do it.

I now have high blood pressure and anxiety.  Even little things get to me.  I worry about stuff before it even happens.  I miss my backbone--that was my husband and protector.  I dont see anything changing for me anytime soon.  Im 68 now---its horrible being alone at this age.

Comment by Slick on January 5, 2017 at 8:52am

Cynthia......My daughter will be gone 20 years this August..she was 21.....I have not been able to read a novel since then....I used to read 3 books a week.....My husband will be gone 6 years March 1 , I have yet to be able to go to a movie or even watch a new one at home....I lost both activities with their losses.....and have never gotten them back...my focus is OK..it's my concentration that is gone...I don't expect any changes because of the amount of time that has gone by..

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on January 5, 2017 at 8:47am

Maggie and Slick - 6 years out and I still can't read non-fiction.  it took a while before I could read anything, but the not being able to focus on a newspaper article is disturbing!  I know it's just "grief brain"; in some ways I've gotten better, but then I still have trouble focusing.  And I have this unexplained anxiety that I didn't used to have, and I have no idea what it's about.  Maybe someday it will get better, but then, I'm aging, too... so who knows?

Comment by Slick on January 5, 2017 at 8:10am

Terry ...I also "miss things' I have PTSD that got progressively worse after my daughter, closest friend , only sister and my Husband passed....since I am really good at dissociation it's hard for me to know if I;ve lost time, or just have too much on my mind....It will b e 6 years on March 1, that is also my deceased daughters birthday...certain days out of the year ...are too difficult for me...so I'm sort of flaky...I forget what day it is at times and miss a few shows that I really like...never know the date...I do believe it is focus and concentration...I retired when my husband was dx with lung and bone cancer ...he was only 51 ...and I wanted to be with him..had the time in so could retire on my pension.....he suffered for 3 1/2 years....I feel like I lost 10 years of my life when my daughter passed for obvious reasons...and also feel like I lost another 10 being a full time caregiver and then for the first time in my life living alone....I tried to date at 2 years into 3 years..didn't happen for me....and did some stupid things....we change continually after a loss.....over and over you'll notice you're different....try to roll with it all...I have found it has helped me to actually enjoy living alone.....and doing whatever my way......I wish you the b est...

 

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