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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 729
Latest Activity: Sep 26

Discussion Forum

How do you process your anger/disappointment at people who didn't "show up" for you and your spouse?

Started by Surreal17. Last reply by LindaAnn Sep 21. 14 Replies

I have no idea if any of this will make sense, but my husband just passed away on August 10th after an 11 month battle with pancreatic cancer, and I guess I just need to "get it out".  We lived a…Continue

Grief and release at the same time?

Started by Germaine. Last reply by Susan Jul 31. 48 Replies

I am aware of two different forces acting from within me.  One is the downward weight of grief. The other is an upward energy that comes from the release from caregiving.  After 16 years of part time…Continue

just joined this group

Started by Riley. Last reply by Steve Jul 11. 20 Replies

My husband died a year ago this July 27th.  He first got cancer in 2007, CNS lymphoma, a brain tumor .  Then we had 7 more good years , until July of 2014 and another brain tumor formed.  Then a year…Continue

The Long Good-Bye

Started by Leeky. Last reply by Steve Jun 19. 6 Replies

My grief counselor just told me about the Long Good-Bye and it made things so much clearer for me.  I was feeling guilty on so many levels over the last month.  I miss Lee terribly - you don't lose…Continue

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Comment by Patience (Diane) on January 24, 2017 at 6:41pm
Thank you Dianne- will check this out!
Comment by Dianne in Nevada on January 24, 2017 at 6:07pm

If you lost your love to cancer and are interesting in writing about it, Grief Diaries is looking for some contributors to their Through the Eyes of Cancer" book. There is no fee to contribute. I participated in their Loss of a Spouse and How to Help the Newly Bereaved books previously, and plan to participate in this one, too.

 

Comment by Patience (Diane) on January 15, 2017 at 11:45am
This Ted Talk is a tribute to a young widower's late wife and their life together.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KeT221skphw
Comment by Athena53 on January 7, 2017 at 2:35pm

Slick-  thanks for your response.  I know the caregiving I did for DH (really bad only the last 2 months, he was sweet and kind to the end, I'm retired so not trying to hold down a job and he supported me keeping up my outside activities) was a picnic compared to what many here have been through.  Yes, I'm sure the PTSD complicates your reactions to life in ways I can't understand.  I'm glad you have the support of a therapist.

Comment by Slick on January 7, 2017 at 5:51am

thank you Athena....I did say no.....my oldest was going to watch him...and both of her teens were up all night vomiting so my daughter's husband will go alone..it's snowing here anyway and I wouldn't be comfortable driving there tonight after it snowed all day...I understand what you're saying...I love you analogy of stopping my grandson from doing something harmful...I have a 17 year old grandson too ...who I have very in depth conversations with about life and a 14 year old grandaughter who I am also so very close to....when they reached a certain age I stopped babysitting because they were too active for me...and I was only maybe 45...when they were born..will be 63 and broken Monday..so bit difference...

I think I have to add  because it seems everyone thinks I am a push over and don't know how to say no...very wrong.......I am strong, confident and very independent ...through no choice of my own...I have PTSD do to my mother, first husband and then finally my middle daughter's death at 21...I have been in counseling off and on for 15 years....and have made strides in the past year....this is something I am having a hard time breaking because my youngest is very much like my mother....so she triggers me...there are no other family members....they have all passed....so have all of my closest friends....so my oldest is the only other babysitter...right now...I know it's good for him...he loves everyone...talks to everyone and smiles at everyone....she;s thinking about starting him out in a play group 1-2 days a week because he loves other kids too....I think I projected some of the feelings that go hand in hand with PTSD ..and unless you have it can't possibly understand the difference in the way each mind works...I was never socialized to be caring....it comes very natural....thank you for your advise......but I felt I needed to throw out there about the PTSD ...because it has it's differences in the thought process and feelings, awareness, responses that someone without it has..something that may come very easy to me do to the things I have been through in life...many of you may never be able to do and something that comes so simple to you....I struggle with......a woman I know very well...with worse PTSD then mine ,her 14 year old daughter also has it...horrible story.....needs a place to live.....I have had to turn her down...did it very easily, so maybe this wasn't the place to bring this....hard to understand ..and I know that...thank you for responding..PEACE

Comment by Athena53 on January 7, 2017 at 4:56am

Slick, you have got to stand up for yourself.  Who's going to be there for you when you're disabled because your arm never got a chance to heal?  If you have to, use the doctor as the bad guy.  "My doctor says I shouldn't be taking care of grandson alone because he's too heavy to lift".  And in a way it may be saying "no" to your grandson but what's wrong with that?  If he wanted to do something harmful, wouldn't you tell him "no"?  Well, this is harmful to YOU but it's temporary.  Let him get comfortable with other family members,  It's good for him.  I just bristle when I see good (mostly) women, socialized to be nice to everybody and take care of  everybody, doing damage to themselves in the process.  Just say no till you're well again.

Comment by Slick on January 6, 2017 at 10:57am

feelinglonely...it is so hard isn't it...the changes we go through, the lost lonely feelings at times...I don't think with the changes I've gone through inside me that I could have worked....I did volunteer for 2 years at a specialty cancer treatment center...the only volunteer they would let be there...and I even worked overtime..we used to get a kick out of that.....

Thank you for the birthday wishes.....I don't stay clear of my birthday yet..and hope I never do....Be well, Angel

Comment by feelinglonely on January 6, 2017 at 10:49am

Slick-----I never lived alone either.  Got married at 20, he was 22 and just out of the Marines.  He was 63 when he died from cancer of the esophagus.  It was such a shock--he was never sick, never had any symtoms.  One evening when we were out to dinner, he couldnt swallow the steak.  He went to the dr, had some type of test, then for an endoscopy where they discovered a large mass.  It was already at stage 4---we found out on April 1st and by Sept 9th he was gone.

Then my brother died 2 years later and that really did me in.  He was 59.

I worked for 33 years in HR, but after he passed, there was no way I could even think about returning.  Now, 6.5 years later, that was a mistake--I should have tried at least.  Who knows?

Thanks again for sharing your story, and have a Happy Birthday!

Take good care, Joan

Comment by Slick on January 6, 2017 at 9:52am

sueprnova....LOL....Yep I know I can...she has become more demanding the older she gets..reminds me of my mother who was just awful....I am the only one he will stay with...that being said, she complains all the time she doesn't get ANY help...WHAT!!! my arm is torn from helping her......it's that place in my heart that feels like I am saying no to my grandson......when that's not it and I know it...in my rational mind...it is her I don't want to help...I think she should miss the event ..and call and tell them her mother tore her Rotator cuff....I son't feel she should expect this from me..the lack of concern for me , really hurt me, my oldest can babysit, it will be difficult with her kids...but maybe if they need a ride I can do that...we'll switch positions...how do I say no when I feel like I;m saying NO to my grandson...that's what I need help with....

Comment by Slick on January 6, 2017 at 9:52am

sueprnova....LOL....Yep I know I can...she has become more demanding the older she gets..reminds me of my mother who was just awful....I am the only one he will stay with...that being said, she complains all the time she doesn't get ANY help...WHAT!!! my arm is torn from helping her......it's that place in my heart that feels like I am saying no to my grandson......when that's not it and I know it...in my rational mind...it is her I don't want to help...I think she should miss the event ..and call and tell them her mother tore her Rotator cuff....I son't feel she should expect this from me..the lack of concern for me , really hurt me, my oldest can babysit, it will be difficult with her kids...but maybe if they need a ride I can do that...we'll switch positions...how do I say no when I feel like I;m saying NO to my grandson...that's what I need help with....

 

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