Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Long-term illness

For those widowed by cancer AND other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

We now also have a "Long Term Illness" discussion forum in the PERENNIAL main forum. Questions? Widville@gmail.com

Members: 589
Latest Activity: 2 hours ago

Group greeters

Dianne in Nevada and Celestia have agreed to greet and coordinate for this group! Thank you, ladies!

Discussion Forum

Anyone ever have a sense of peace?

Started by Timetoheal. Last reply by Jladybug Jul 7. 36 Replies

Has anyone been doing normal chores or random things around the house and had a feeling of calm or peace come over them? As if your loved one is standing there with you or just brushing by you to let…Continue

NY Mag Article "The Day I started Lying to Ruth" by a cancer doctor on losing his wife to cancer

Started by Patience (Diane). Last reply by booktime (Susan) Jun 10. 15 Replies

Has anyone read this article?  It stopped me in my tracks yesterday. http://nymag.com/news/features/cancer-peter-bach-2014-5/Continue

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by Germaine May 22. 25 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

Grief and release at the same time?

Started by Germaine. Last reply by goingon (Cynthia) May 4. 22 Replies

I am aware of two different forces acting from within me.  One is the downward weight of grief. The other is an upward energy that comes from the release from caregiving.  After 16 years of part time…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by Serenity on June 30, 2014 at 11:10pm

Hi All, 

My husband died of lung cancer August 10th, 2013.  He was only 41 years old when he was diagnosed.  He had no risk factors and never smoked in his life.  Does anyone else have at times extreme anxiety about their children getting it too? 

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on June 29, 2014 at 6:49pm

Dear Gaining Strength (Jen). How kind of you to recommend WV to a new widow. How difficult it must have been for you to attend a funeral. One word of friendly caution - please remember to protect yourself in some manner from your friend's pain. You can help, but take care. I'm sorry to hear about the hassles with your husband's family. Keep gaining strength. Love your new name!

Comment by Gaining Strength on June 25, 2014 at 12:18pm

Only1Sue,

I am gaining strength, thank God. However that is not the case everyday. I have done great because of this site. I even recommended it to a new widower at a funeral yesterday. (Imagine that! Me comforting a newly widowed.) I must have grown somewhat to have anything worthwhile to offer. I was a caregiver for 3 years and was totally worn out by that.  I was forcibly detached mentally from caregiving withdrawal by my husband's considerate family who took the opportunity  to infect my life with their greed in trying to steal my assets. So all of the bad experiences fried my brain and now I am gaining strength. Can't keep a good woman down.

Comment by only1sue on June 25, 2014 at 8:37am

Jen, I hope you are Gaining Strength.  It has taken a long time for me to feel like that and sometimes I go back a few steps but there is only one way to do all of this - bravely. I was a caregiver for so long it became who I was.  Now I have to detach myself from that and find a new purpose in life, a new way of being me.  Not easy.

Comment by Gaining Strength on June 24, 2014 at 12:42am

Jen is changed to Gaining Strength.

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on June 23, 2014 at 9:29am

"HOPE, like dawn, touches the darkness with light, opening us to the new day coming."

By Karla Dornacher

Comment by icecream on June 10, 2014 at 7:24pm

Yes, you can receive SS benefits when your spouse passes. I get a little something every month, as do my children (he was the breadwinner) it doesn't cover everything, but helps make ends meet, until I can find a job. Worth checking into everyone, if you haven't already. It was a pretty simple process via a phone call - didn't even have to go into their office.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on June 8, 2014 at 2:48pm

Germaine, Dianne and My Roses - and everyone else who took the time to respond to me -

Thank you.  I am planning on coming to San Diego; I am going to No. CA to see my mom on the way.  I think I'll be able to manage the flight and the travel if I have help with my baggage - my physical baggage, not the emotional baggage! 

Everything you have all offered is helpful.  My daughter is coming for a visit in a few weeks with he baby; I can't wait to see them!  I've found three Tylenol seem to help with the pain as much as narcotics (my doc said I can take three at once) so I try to do that instead of the others.  I know, as a retired therapist myself, that the post-surgical depression can take a while to abate.  I also think that when I was overdosed 12 hours after surgery, and they were trying to bring me back and keep me alive, I was laying there thinking, just leave me alone and let me go.  And that's why I was so upset at the time; that and the pain I had when they gave me a drug to get the narcotics out of my system. 

People tell me I don't really want to die, and I don't want to put my children through that after losing their dad, and I don't; but honestly, at the same time, I think, well, they have their families now.  And one daughter I rarely hear from because of her idiot husband.  I have been thinking of sending her an email and letting her know just how hard this has been for me, but that's what we call "Jewish  Guilt" (or maybe you call it Catholic Guilt, or Italian Guilt or whatever - we mom's can be good at that...)  but I swore I would never do that to my kids, so I just let it be, and when she contacts me, I respond in kind.  "I"m fine...thanks for calling." 

I really think I have a few books in me, based on my life with my crazy family (do we all have crazy families?) and my life before and after Don (I guess I could say "B.D." and "A.D.") 

You are such a wonderful group of people, and I think I love you all. 

So I want to ask, do you ever wake up in the morning and feel like there is someone else there?  That  you're not alone?  I do.  It may be after vivid dreams; this morning I did.  But I didn't dream about Don last night, so it was strange to have that feeling of someone else being here, and then realizing I'm alone, even tho it's not the first time that happened to me.

Thank you all.  And Bless you. 

Comment by Germaine on June 8, 2014 at 6:16am

Cynthia, I think anyone who told you you'd be over post-surgical depression in eight weeks was talking through their hat.  There is just NO WAY!!  In my experience (with others…not myself)….three to six months has been the minimum to expect and one year is not unusual.  You are doing all the right things….you've got a therapist….you're on antidepressants (the right one???)…but you are healing. Your back is still healing. Certainly makes sense to me that you are still recovering from the anesthesia….AND you are still having to take pain meds?  So many of them kick in depression as a side effect. You need them for the pain. It is most important to stay ahead of the pain in recovery but they couldn't be helping you emotionally.  When you think about it, doesn't that make sense to you?  You were down and somewhat depressed before the surgery… I just can't help but think the physical/chemical recovery is adding to that.  I totally understand your wish to reconnect with Dan and I believe, personally, that that will happen in time but meanwhile these terribly long days are your task to get through.  Is there any way you can get together with Dianne in Nevada?  …get to San Diego?  I'm guessing travel is out of the question now but could a trip be planned…as you had, obviously intended to do with the San Diego possibility….something to prepare for… All good thoughts coming your way.

Comment by my roses on June 8, 2014 at 3:31am

My roses

 

 

Re the depression… a recent study was done by Dr. Beard and

Trialled  using Vitamin B Niacin and it has been very successful.

A young woman who was  deeply depressed  and injuring herself

(Parents were  desperate ) was  brought back to health over some

Period of time.  They did general trials up to 200,000 mg without

Any damage.  But  the average range would be about 3000 mg.

I  had a major meltdown last Monday and decided to take someVit b again,

(the complex which has all the Vit B types in it) and I did feel much better.

I have taken Vit B  before but had not been taking much recently.

 

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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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