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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 751
Latest Activity: Sep 4

Discussion Forum

Not like the Movies

Started by Snow. Last reply by CaliforniaGrieving Aug 27. 10 Replies

In 15 minutes I will have passed my third day of being a widow. I have been bracing myself for this pain for 10 years, when my beautiful husband of 26 years was first diagnosed with advanced…Continue

Neurodegenerative disease MSA anyone else?

Started by LP. Last reply by riet Jun 2. 6 Replies

my husband died in Feb’18 of a rare condition called Multiple System Atrophy, a form of Parkinsonism, for which there is no treatment. He gradually lost all ability to move, speak, swallow, blink and…Continue

how to handle life now

Started by nayajivan. Last reply by Mamitha May 11. 3 Replies

Hi,I have lost my wife Archana on 12th March 2018.19 years of Marriage..2 beautiful and lovely sons - 17 and 14 years..15 years of battle against 2 deadly diseases - Kidney Failure and AIHA...9 Years…Continue

Tags: sons, marriage, AIHA, dialysis, failure

Unexpected Emotions

Started by Snow. Last reply by Linda C Mar 3. 10 Replies

I had braced myself for the grief of loss, unbearable loneliness, some other things too awful to write about, but I'm also starting to feel quite hurt and let down by some people. Is this normal?…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by NancyD on September 4, 2018 at 9:25am

Hi Nataliepin.  Wish I could give you a hug! I understand completely your comment "We discussed his passing at length but somehow it still seems so unexpected, like it shouldn't have happened yet even though we knew it was coming."  I felt the same way when my husband died.  It seemed so shocking even though that seemed crazy since we knew for many months that he was terminal.  And we had talked about it and done planning for what my life would be like without him.  I think it's just who we are as humans---we can't "prepare" ourselves for the death of our beloved.  It's always a shock.  You are very new into your loss and your feelings are totally understandable.  I certainly felt similarly.  Yes, low expectations right now!  Getting out of bed IS an accomplishment.  Pat yourself on the back.  Do whatever you feel you need to do, one day or one moment at a time.  Be gentle with yourself.  Grieve.  Things WILL change for you, probably very slowly, but for now just stay in today let yourself grieve.  Your love for him remains, and always will. I find great comfort in believing that I am still loving, and still being loved by, my husband.  I don't understand how that works, but I do believe and feel it.  It doesn't negate the terrible loss, but it is comforting.  

Comment by Nataliepin on September 4, 2018 at 8:36am

Hello all, 

I'm almost a month into the loss of my husband. He was 24, as am I. Osteosarcoma took him from me and I have been dreading this time for so long. We found out he was terminal 5 days after our wedding. He was my high school sweetheart, my best friend, my other half. I feel like someone cut me in half. We discussed his passing at length but somehow it still seems so unexpected, like it shouldn't have happened yet even though we knew it was coming. I hate that there is time left for me that I can't experience with him. I hate being alive without him. I wish so much that it was me instead. I am still so into my grief that I don't know what to do or where to go. At his funeral someone asked me if I was going to work or school/ what my plans were. My plans?! I can barely expect myself to get out of bed at this point. 

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on June 17, 2018 at 10:04am

Riet - I know exactly what you are saying.  I have a neighbor and friend who complains about her husband all the time.  He's a nice man, but I don't live with him so I can't judge.  But she also realizes that she loves him and someday he may not be with her.  So I listen and don't offer advice unless she asks.  No one is perfect and there were times I had my complaints, too.  And yes, now, I'd give anything to have Don's little quirks in my live again. 

The Widow's brain lasts for a while sometimes - we are all different.  Some days I feel like I still have it but then I wonder if it's maybe age creeping up on me.  I write shopping lists, then go the market with out them only to come home and find the list in my purse.  Now I write them on my phone.  Then I may go out and forget to take my phone!  But somehow, we just keep putting one foot in front of the other and somehow find ourselves living our lives.  Hugs.

Comment by LP on June 17, 2018 at 6:15am

Yes, Riet and Cynthia, as Joni Mitchell once sang, you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. I’ve had a woman who was bitterly divorced say to me, ‘ oh it would have been so much easier if he had just died’. Really. 

Some people will simply not know what to say. It is so true that you have to go through this to understand how to respond.That’s why you can come to this website, and people whom you’ve never met will recognise instantly what you are going though. Always remember it’s alright to be sad -  you’ve got every reason- and of course you miss him. That is love.

Comment by riet on June 16, 2018 at 11:39pm

Dear Cynthia, I am almost a month further now. I don't know where the time went.  I still have that "widows' brain". I have to write everything down or I forget it at the same moment.

I am going forward. But can't think of the future without being terrified so I am trying to avoid to think about it.

I am surrounded by good and lovely people, I am not lonely but I miss him so much.

I am happy for all the couples I see and hear around me.  I only wished it was us....

The only thing I can't stand is people complaining about their family and husband.  I was traveling by train last week and somehow next, before and after me all people of a certain age had to do that.:

"He" made too much noise, had too much "rubbish" and so on and so on. I didn't make any remark although I wanted to do that.

I just went away.  Longing for my husband. I would so like him to make his "noise" and bring his rubbish. And be himself with me.

Have a good day,

and Hugs to you

riet

Comment by riet on May 21, 2018 at 10:25am

Dear Cynthia  

A lot of hugs for you too.

Riet

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on May 21, 2018 at 10:18am

I know - we all know - what you are going through.  And I'm a 7 ½ years yet I still hate to grocery shop because we did it together, every Saturday.  

And it doesn't matter if it was modern or not; all that matters is you lost your love.  We are all frozen for these first months - maybe a few, maybe many; maybe years.  It's hard to try to do those everyday things when you are so early in your grief.  But one day, you will get up and you will do one thing.  Just one thing today; maybe something else tomorrow, or the next day or the next... you will.  But right now you are deep in your grief and that's all you have to do - just grieve.  It's a process; we all do it differently.  I am 66.  I have no desire to have another man in my life. Don was my love, my life, my everything.  

And you will talk to your love.  I talk to Don.  I don't know if he hears me, but it doesn't matter.  But I get it when you want to tell him something and then realize you can't... and it sucks.  

We all want to be old with our husband/wife/fiancee/partner by our side.  When I see older couples holding hands and being together, I get so sad.  Still.  I think I always will.  

I am sending you hugs.

Comment by riet on May 21, 2018 at 9:54am

One of the most difficult things to do now is shopping for me only.  I am at the bakers or butchers and they ask me what I want.  I don't know what I want.  I used to shop for both of us. What did WE want, what did WE like. 

I know this is not modern at all.  But it is how it is. I never ever took care just for myself alone. Often I don't know how.  My husband took care of me and vice versa.  

I have plans to do things that are badly needed.  Because of the very heavy last half year, I did nothing in my household.  People came to help me all the time.  I am very grateful for it.  But it is as if I am paralyzed  now: I do next to nothing. I  want to start and then sit  down and wait till I can start.  Without any result.

I am comforted by your mails.  And see I am not alone.  Not at all.  But the reality is so cruel.  Today I heard again: You're still young.  I am 65.  And than I want to scream: I don't want to be young, I want to be old with my husband by my side. 

My daughter warns me some people will certainly propose to take a dog.  Ok when you like that.  But I couldn't bear to hear that.  

It is now evening here in Belgium.  I saw my kids and grandchildren today.  And I have so much to tell to my husband.  And he is no longer here.

Thanks for listening and your concern

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on May 21, 2018 at 6:59am

Riet -

I hear your struggle.  I hear your questions.  One of the hardest things I've had to do is make big decisions by myself when we always made them together.  Yes, now you are stumbling, but one day, the stumbling will turn into steps.  Maybe baby steps; maybe strides.  I can't say or tell you when that will happen.  It will happen when you are ready.  We each do this journey in our own way, in our own time.  There are no timelines for grief; no nice neat stages.  We just wake up each day and do it - we do what we have to do.  Somedays I spent not getting dressed, not going anywhere; just wandering around my house grieving.  And I stumbled - a lot.  Slowly it does get easier; somehow it changes.  I can't say how, because, again, it's different for all of us.  But you have found a wonderful group of people who truly care.  

Comment by booktime (Susan) on May 21, 2018 at 1:48am

Riet, how can you, you ask? You just will. We all stumbled, stumble still. The black hole for me is much smaller now.

I don't want you to think that time diminishes your love. In a very strange way at almost 5 years, I feel Ed's love more.

But now for now, take it moment by moment. Don't look ahead and wonder how you'll survive. You are surviving moment by moment, step by step.

And I know what you mean about not talking about it with him! Ed and I didn't either. I don't know why.

Hugs, Riet. I feel your sorrow and loss. But it really does change as time goes along. It's a new normal.

 

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