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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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More Than One Loss (Multiple Losses)

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More Than One Loss (Multiple Losses)

For Villagers who had more than one loss close together, or who lost a child, or were widowed more than once.  You're not alone... please connect here.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Members: 208
Latest Activity: Sep 8

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Comment by Gary'swife on July 8, 2017 at 7:18am

Steve-  Oh how I can relate.  I know your client is so very, very, lucky to have you taking care of him.

  Sometimes when I get sad about my loved ones who died (first husband, dad, mom, brother, 2nd husband), I console myself by remembering that I did a lot to make their last years/days as pleasant as possible.  I was not always the "perfect" caregiver, but if someone wanted to do something, I did my best to try and make it happen.  My mother wanted to return to water aerobics after her stroke.  We went about 4 times, and then I realized after 5 minutes she would want to leave, so decided she really wasn't having fun.  Same thing with going to church.   My brother has a couple of friends coming into town to visit him in late Aug.  I have already bought tickets to go to a baseball game (with wheelchair seating), which should be great fun for all of them.

One thing I realized after the death of my 1st husband is to keep up with my friendships.  When we get busy, those often get set aside.   All of my friends work, and most of the time I must initiate contact.  But, I have become the "social director", as I have time to check out what fun things we might do, and get everyone together.  I use to resent having to initiate contact, but have learned to get over it.  

After so many deaths it really hits home that we will all die, and I will also, someday.   And, getting older, feeling some arthritis, I realize the clock is ticking.

Hugs to all.

Comment by Steve on July 8, 2017 at 6:48am
Hi Garys wife, and everyone. I can relate to your post so much. I decided that i needed to go back to work full time, money continues to grow tighter, and i also, quite frankley needed to get out of house, and get a life after almost 10 years of straight caregiving of my partner through cancer, then my parents. I still have mom with me. After not working outside the home for 20 yrs or so, it was a challenge finding work above minimum wage. Well, after months of searching, a friend suggested caregiving, as a career. Once i started talking to caregiving companies, i discovered they all really wanted me, with my tremendous experience. I really wished i would find something other than caregiving, but all the jobs i had experience in 20 years ago, now all require tremendous computer skills, internet, so on, im not up to date on computer stuff at all. So i accepted a caregiving assignment for a wealthy 90 yr old man. I told agency, i didnt want to take care of dimentia patient, or changing diapers, but was looking for more of a companion position. My client, is a full time, 45 hrs per week job. Its pretty easy, just meal preparations, bathing, taking him to doctors, dance classes, yes i said dance classes at 90 yrs old! He is very sharp, funny, lives in a beautiful multimillion dollar gated estate in the country, with orchards, out in nature. We go for 4 walks per day, around his estate, or out on the country roads, its just beautiful. Here has been the tough part. When im bathing him, have flashbacks, of bathing Mike, my partner, in his last days. My client is very thin, guessing 100 lbs at 6 ft, so when he is naked, his body looks alot like a terminal cancer patient. As im washing his legs, back, arms, rinsing soap, my heart just starts to break, because the last time i did this, was with Mike. I cant help getting attached to client, his spirit is very funny, i admire his get up and go, with his walker. But again, im caring for someone who is near the end of life, could pass any time, and it is hard. Although this really was the last thing i wanted to do, im being paid well above minimum wage, and i do get gratification from him, and his family just loves me, have called my agency and told them, how much they love me, want me to stay forever. Its funny to me, how ive been put in the caregiver roll since my 20s, its like life, really wants me to be in this role, what i was born to do, yet, i struggle with constantly living in this escorting others to their end, role. I wish i could find a way to feel peace with it, i try really hard, to just be of service, but at the end of the day, im depressed. Because im surrounded by end of life, conversations, preparations all the time, sometimes i feel like my life is over too, at 55. I really just want to take a flight to europe and disappear for a year! Lol. I still continue to look for something else, career wise, hoping i find something else, fun, creative, that pays me enough to support myself. Its also possible, life is putting me in this role for a purpose, for me to learn something, i need to know.
Comment by Gary'swife on July 7, 2017 at 3:54pm

I had the strangest experience the other day.  I was in the attic, sorting through some things which belonged to my 2nd husband.  In "my head" I could hear what he would have said about something.....but when I thought about it, the "voice" I heard in my head was of my first husband.   I don't have any videos/recording of either of them, but I can still imagine their voices without a problem.

I'm sure that being under a lot of stress because my oldest brother had a stroke and is now living with me, is causing me to think of my dead loved ones.  My brother had a massive stroke, and it's amazing he lived.  It just brings back all the deaths we have all experienced, but just to keep our sanity must push out of our minds.  At least, that's the way I feel.

 

Comment by Slick on May 19, 2017 at 3:09pm

thanks Diane for your vote of confidence....it was hard and took a long time......but I got so sick of living death...that I had to come back into the real world .......HUGS and PEACE to all...

Comment by Patience (Diane) on May 19, 2017 at 2:54pm
Hi Steve and Slick..it certainly is hard for all of us.. and Slick, I'm so glad you have "learned how to live life.." ((((hugs))) and cheers to that!
And Steve, I appreciate being able to read your kind words ((((hugs))))
Comment by Slick on May 19, 2017 at 1:30pm

Hi Diane and Steve.....I feel the same as Steve....It is tough...I had multiple losses..starting with my Dad, daughter, sister , 3 of my closest friends for life, in laws, mother Husband...I think I got them all...in a very short period of time...last being my mother in 2014...so I have had time with a one on one counselor to deal with grief...I no longer live death as I did because I had more deceased then alive...it was hard...but I have learned how to live life.....there are so many birthdays and anniversaries....that happen all year long...

I am so sorry you have had so many in a short period of time...it almost makes you used to it until it stops and them you can feel again and it hurts...grief sets in....and heartbreak...thoughts and prayers are with you..

Comment by Steve on May 19, 2017 at 1:20pm

So Sorry, Diane, Its so tough, this part of our life when it seems that everyone is leaving. 

Hugs to you,

Comment by Patience (Diane) on May 19, 2017 at 1:17pm
Hi Steve, going to make it, Hyliek and Slick.. I have been following along here without commenting much. In 2012 I lost my Dear Husband Wayne and 6 weeks later our very very best friend, Ray who was as my husband was....a "friend to all!" .
..Now 2017 has been really difficult - my Father in Law died in February suddenly of a heart attack. Then my own Father died April 7th after a long battle with Alzheimer's...this Father's Day will be hard for my girls and I - we've officially lost all of our fathers..
My daughter's grand father in law is 86 and doing very well, so that is a blessing and I'm hoping we will see him on Father's Day...
Comment by Steve on May 16, 2017 at 5:29pm
Hi GTMI, sorry, i forgot your first name. So sorry to hear of the 3 recent losses. They are tough one at a time, nevermind 3 in 1 month! Last year was like that for me, Dad passed Feb 16, dear friend April 19th, (my bday is April 21) then my partners mother in May 2 days b4 mothers day. I was very close to Mikes mom, closer than my own mother.
This year 2 friends in early 50s, and a very sweet aunt is days away from passing, w stage 4 cancer at 63. Ugh. I know everyone shares similar journies. Its just so difficult to heal, when they keep happening over and over. I dont go to funerals anymore, because i dont want to remember them that way. I would not go, then continue to support families after. Thats how i am. I know most feel differently, but, i dont visit Mikes grave either, or anyone elses. I dont believe our loved ones are there, i visit them in my mind every day. If i go to grave, im in bed for a week after. (((((Hugs))))
Comment by going to make it on May 16, 2017 at 4:24pm
Steve, I feel exactly the same! 3 deaths in the past month!! Thought it was just me. I still attend some funerals out of respect, but not all of them. It's just too much.
 

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