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More Than One Loss (Multiple Losses)

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More Than One Loss (Multiple Losses)

For Villagers who had more than one loss close together, or who lost a child, or were widowed more than once.  You're not alone... please connect here.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Members: 228
Latest Activity: May 11

Discussion Forum

Wedding rings

Started by Jo. Last reply by DIVA70 Apr 15. 1 Reply

Hello everyone, I am hoping you could share your thoughts/ experiences with me on wedding rings.  I lost my second husband 10 months ago and I still choose to wear my rings every day.  I like the…Continue

For Marina

Started by Gary'swife. Last reply by Marina Apr 15. 1 Reply

MarinaI saw your post.  I have never used the discussion function before, but thought I would give it a try.   Four months is a very short time.  I know....everyone else thinks you should be better…Continue

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Comment by Gary'swife on April 30, 2019 at 11:22am

TESS   You must be my long lost twin.   I only manage to get something done if I have a deadline.  When I was getting rid of my stuff when I sold my house, I tried to get something out of the house every day.   I am now starting this process again.  Today I managed to take 3 bags of books to our local Union Rescue Mission, who runs an on-line bookstore on Amazon.  They are doing a great job with men with substance abuse, and have even built apartments to help them transition back into the real world.

Then today I went to Independent Living Resources (I saw a commercial for them on TV, did not know they existed).  They offer services for people with disabilities.  My oldest brother had a stroke 2 year ago and now lives with me as he had frontal lobe brain damage from the stroke.  He is not allowed to live alone, drive, or even go out in public on his own.  The Independent Living Resources offers art classes, so we stopped by this afternoon to inquire.  The classes are no charge, so he will go on Monday and hope it will work out.  The other win is that the instructor is always looking for donations for the art class, (including craft type things), so I will have a spot to get rid of a bunch of stuff.   

Comment by Tess on April 30, 2019 at 9:35am

Gary'swife, you are my hero. It does sound very liberating to shed all of this extraneous stuff and just go. I'm glad you realized in the end it was just that, stuff.

I hear you about the paralysis. Recently I said to someone that I have analysis paralysis and they said they never heard that term before and thought it was pretty nifty. I was bad before my husband's death with decision-making, but it is worse now. I try to lighten the decision process by reflecting on the fact that once I'm gone, it just won't matter.

Comment by Gary'swife on April 29, 2019 at 2:19pm

Tess- Thank you so much for your comments.  It's nice to know I am not alone.   What I did not mention is I actually did this type of "death cleaning" 15 years ago.  My first husband died in 1990, and in 2002, after getting laid off I decided to sell the house and move south (I was in NJ), but wanted to do a bit of travelling.  Long story short, after thinking of moving and storing, and moving, decided it would be much cheaper to just sell everything, which finally forced me to get rid of my husband's stuff.  He had SO much, but he did have 4 children from a previous marriage, so I found homes for everything which was important.  I got rid of everything down to what would fit in my car.  It was so liberating, and yet so difficult....I had dreams for sometime of my :"stuff".  But now, 17 years later I am back in the same spot.  Thank goodness I didn't decide to keep all of my things 17 years ago, as I would have spent a ton of money on moving and storage.      

I too have some ashes...my husband and my brother.   I think I will try and get a plot in a country cemetery where many ancestors are buried for my brother, and maybe for me.  My husband, I still don't know.  His son (my step-son)  died 3 years ago, there is a grandchild, but.....you know.   I might see if his brother would take the ashes and perhaps plant a tree in Gary's honor.   He has a better chance of having a relationship with the grandchild than do I.    Sometimes I just get paralyzed trying to do the "right" thing.

Comment by Tess on April 29, 2019 at 12:05pm

Gary'swife (my husband was a Gary too), I hear what you are saying about the accumulation if material belongings. When my husband died, I ended up with six sets of ashes in my home - two were from his parents. Luckily his sister took those to spread them at what they considered their "home." Because my husband was the only child of both of his parents, his sister was a half-sister, I still ended up with things that she doesn't really want. There is no one left in line for them.

It is interesting as you say, the impact that these possessions have on you. I am reminded too that at some point, that will be what is left of me. It scares me so much to leave a lot of "stuff" behind that I absolutely stopped shopping and buying things. If it is not consumable, I don't want it in my home. Instead, like you, I look for the things I have to be set free (I like that) and be loved by others.

Comment by Gary'swife on April 29, 2019 at 11:15am

I have decided I really must do a "death cleaning", getting rid of all but the essentials as I don't have any children, and my family members don't appear to be able to do these kind of things...if I died today I hate to think what would happen.  Either everything would just be left and people would move into the house, or, it would all be dumped.  I have stuff from my mother, my husband, my brother, my mother-in-law,  and now my oldest brother had a stroke and is living with me, and he brought along his stuff and even some from an Uncle of ours.  It's just so, so, hard.  But, it really is time to "set things free" to be loved by others.  I do have a woman who was my mom's home health aide, who will take some of her things, and love them dearly, so have started with that.  With so many losses, I just seem to go from grieving for one, and then the next, etc.  And, looking at all of their worldly possession just reminds me of what will be left when I die.

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on April 15, 2019 at 11:09am

Marina - It sometimes just takes one person posting and responding to get things moving and keep a group active. I hope that happens here.

Comment by Marina on April 15, 2019 at 8:32am

Thank you Tess for your share as well. I’m trying to wait to make any more decisions right away if possible. Because I know my brain is not functioning the way it used to. It’s such a weird feeling to not be in control. But I know Life will continue and I will get a grip on it. Even if it just means taking a shower today. Thank you again

blessings

Comment by Marina on April 15, 2019 at 8:29am

Thank you Dianne for adding a discussion forum. It does not appear this group is very active so maybe it didn’t need one?  But maybe I’ll start a discussion thread just to see if anyone wants to join it. Thank you for your support. Can’t say thank you enough for this site. Though I hurt for everyone else who is on this site, I’m still grateful that many seem to want to share their stories and their experiences. God Bless

Comment by Tess on April 14, 2019 at 1:31pm

Marina, my condolences to you for your losses. Is is so hard to adjust to one loss, but when another loss comes soon after, those previous wounds are re-opened in a big way.

I lost three family member each two months apart with the last being my husband. That was 2016, so I can tell you it does get better.

Don't be in too much of a hurry to make changes in your life, living situations, etc., unless you have to. When I think back I really thought my head was clear enough in the months following my husband's death. I now know I was no where ready to make lading decisions.

Hugs to you in whatever you decide.

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on April 14, 2019 at 12:40pm

Hi Marina.  I've added a Discussion Forum to this group for you.

 

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