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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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More Than One Loss (Multiple Losses)

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More Than One Loss (Multiple Losses)

For Villagers who had more than one loss close together, or who lost a child, or were widowed more than once.  You're not alone... please connect here.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Members: 229
Latest Activity: on Sunday

Discussion Forum

Wedding rings

Started by Jo. Last reply by BlankMind Jul 16. 2 Replies

Hello everyone, I am hoping you could share your thoughts/ experiences with me on wedding rings.  I lost my second husband 10 months ago and I still choose to wear my rings every day.  I like the…Continue

For Marina

Started by Gary'swife. Last reply by Marina Apr 15. 1 Reply

MarinaI saw your post.  I have never used the discussion function before, but thought I would give it a try.   Four months is a very short time.  I know....everyone else thinks you should be better…Continue

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Comment by Marina on April 14, 2019 at 12:22pm

Doesn’t seem to be a discussion option for this group. So I guess we just write in the comments section? For all of you that have suffered multiple losses in a short time or even a long time I am so sorry. I feel your pain. And I even feel guilty that many of you have gone through more pain than I have. It’s been 4 months and two days since I lost my husband. Two years, two months and ten days since I lost my younger sister. 56 and 42. So young. So hard to even comprehend. It hurts to breathe still. I cannot understand why my heart continues to beat, but it does. I have so much to be thankful for, yet I sit in silence more often than not. And I can’t seem to connect. I still have a mother and children and grandchildren, yet even when I’m with them I feel utterly alone. Like I’m outside looking in. Beginning to worry that I am not going to be okay. Wondering when I will start to feel something other than this tightness in my chest and the rock in my stomach. I put on my “face” as Rick would say. I try to fit in wherever I am. But inside, well it’s like I’m just in a fog. Wandering around in a haze. I cannot seem to get a grip on what I need to be doing. Finding either a full time job or another part time one in order to live. Sell my house or not sell? Eat or not eat. Sleep I have down pretty well. Except the dreams. Those are wonderful and horrifying at the same time. Because I have to wake up. Then it all comes crashing in again. If I have a good day then I have a bad night. Guilt. Guilt for a good day. Guilt for a bad day. I swear I feel like I’m on edge all of the time. My poor dogs don’t even know what to think anymore. I get restless and load them up in the truck just to drive to nowhere. Then we get home and they look at me like ummm we thought we were going somewhere. Well I’ve rambled enough for the day I suppose. Pray everyone else in this group are having a positive day and a promising future. 

Comment by Tess on February 19, 2019 at 2:08pm

Baranik, you reminded me that I belong to this group. There isn't a lot of activity, as you said, so I forgot about it. Those words of Gwen Flowers' are so very wise. This is the very thing that others that have not suffered these losses do not understand. There is no completion, just change.

I am so sorry about your father-in-law. The feelings of loss are so much more poignant after suffering from such considerable ones.

Thank you for the words that we can all benefit from hearing.

Hugs

Comment by baranik on February 19, 2019 at 11:44am

hi there my goal this year is to be more active in this group . I came across a poem by Gwen Flowers to share I had my own notion of grief. I thought it was a sad time that followed the death of someone you loved. And you had to push through to get to the other side.But I am learning there is no pushing through. But rather, there is absorption,Adjustment,Acceptance. And grief is not something you complete,But rather you endure. Grief is not a task to finish  And move on,But an element of yourself being. An alteration of  your being. A NEW way of Seeing.  A new definition of Self. My  father in law died and I am finding that it is bringing back feelings about my husband and daughter's death as well. After reading your stories of loss, I wish I had a magic wand to make everyone  feel better

Comment by NYC Widow 71 on August 7, 2018 at 8:48am

Hi friends. My name is Ayelet. Sadly, I lost my younger brother in 2014, followed by my husband 8 months later. They were childhood friends and both struggled with addiction in their lives. My brother Amir was 38; my husband Jason was 40. It's been difficult to grieve for them separately and together.

Comment by Tess on June 6, 2018 at 2:41pm

Thanks so much Z. So you've lost more than one husband. I'm so sorry. That must be so difficult for you. I hope you had marriages filled with happy memories.

I lost my husband 21 months ago. I do have a daughter and grandson. They live a state away from me, which isn't too bad, but it does get lonely.

I do hope you have friends or extended relatvies that live close enough to you to be of support.

Peace to you as well.

Comment by Tess on June 5, 2018 at 3:57am

Hi all. I didn't initially see this category in the Widows' website. I'm not sure why. At any rate, 2014 and 2016 were very hard years for me and for my family. I lost my nephew, sister and brother in law in 2014. In 2016 I lost another nephew (my oldest and closest), his sister, and my husband. It sounds so very tragic when I speak about this or see it in print, and it is.

I come from a family of six. My oldest sister has dementia, the sister I lost was next in age, my one brother doesn't speak to anyone in the family any more and I have a brother in FL that I don't see very often. I do have a sister in another state, who I get to see more often than my brother in FL. Thank God for her. I feel as if my once very sizeable family has been diminishing. It is quite painful.

I want to hold on to the ones that remain. I pray that my oldest brother comes back to us, realizing how short life is. Families should remain close.

Thank you for reading. Peace and hugs to all of you.

Comment by Fluffycat52 on September 24, 2017 at 8:06am

Hi everyone talking about losses me and my Dad lost 4 people in our family last year in 2016 the first person we lost was my Dad's youngest brother he had Dementia he passed away May 18th 2016 then was my husband he had Congestive Heart Failure he passed away on June 12th 2016 then my Dad's sister passed away from a seizure on September 10th 2016 then my Dad's other brother passed away on December 22, 2016, my Dad is the oldest of 5 his other brother he had passed away in 1984. It has been really hard on us both my Dad will be 94 on September 27th 2017 I will be 52 on the same day. After my husband passed away I came to live with my Dad I know it was God's will that I did. Hope everyone has a good week.

Comment by Gary'swife on July 8, 2017 at 7:18am

Steve-  Oh how I can relate.  I know your client is so very, very, lucky to have you taking care of him.

  Sometimes when I get sad about my loved ones who died (first husband, dad, mom, brother, 2nd husband), I console myself by remembering that I did a lot to make their last years/days as pleasant as possible.  I was not always the "perfect" caregiver, but if someone wanted to do something, I did my best to try and make it happen.  My mother wanted to return to water aerobics after her stroke.  We went about 4 times, and then I realized after 5 minutes she would want to leave, so decided she really wasn't having fun.  Same thing with going to church.   My brother has a couple of friends coming into town to visit him in late Aug.  I have already bought tickets to go to a baseball game (with wheelchair seating), which should be great fun for all of them.

One thing I realized after the death of my 1st husband is to keep up with my friendships.  When we get busy, those often get set aside.   All of my friends work, and most of the time I must initiate contact.  But, I have become the "social director", as I have time to check out what fun things we might do, and get everyone together.  I use to resent having to initiate contact, but have learned to get over it.  

After so many deaths it really hits home that we will all die, and I will also, someday.   And, getting older, feeling some arthritis, I realize the clock is ticking.

Hugs to all.

Comment by Steve on July 8, 2017 at 6:48am
Hi Garys wife, and everyone. I can relate to your post so much. I decided that i needed to go back to work full time, money continues to grow tighter, and i also, quite frankley needed to get out of house, and get a life after almost 10 years of straight caregiving of my partner through cancer, then my parents. I still have mom with me. After not working outside the home for 20 yrs or so, it was a challenge finding work above minimum wage. Well, after months of searching, a friend suggested caregiving, as a career. Once i started talking to caregiving companies, i discovered they all really wanted me, with my tremendous experience. I really wished i would find something other than caregiving, but all the jobs i had experience in 20 years ago, now all require tremendous computer skills, internet, so on, im not up to date on computer stuff at all. So i accepted a caregiving assignment for a wealthy 90 yr old man. I told agency, i didnt want to take care of dimentia patient, or changing diapers, but was looking for more of a companion position. My client, is a full time, 45 hrs per week job. Its pretty easy, just meal preparations, bathing, taking him to doctors, dance classes, yes i said dance classes at 90 yrs old! He is very sharp, funny, lives in a beautiful multimillion dollar gated estate in the country, with orchards, out in nature. We go for 4 walks per day, around his estate, or out on the country roads, its just beautiful. Here has been the tough part. When im bathing him, have flashbacks, of bathing Mike, my partner, in his last days. My client is very thin, guessing 100 lbs at 6 ft, so when he is naked, his body looks alot like a terminal cancer patient. As im washing his legs, back, arms, rinsing soap, my heart just starts to break, because the last time i did this, was with Mike. I cant help getting attached to client, his spirit is very funny, i admire his get up and go, with his walker. But again, im caring for someone who is near the end of life, could pass any time, and it is hard. Although this really was the last thing i wanted to do, im being paid well above minimum wage, and i do get gratification from him, and his family just loves me, have called my agency and told them, how much they love me, want me to stay forever. Its funny to me, how ive been put in the caregiver roll since my 20s, its like life, really wants me to be in this role, what i was born to do, yet, i struggle with constantly living in this escorting others to their end, role. I wish i could find a way to feel peace with it, i try really hard, to just be of service, but at the end of the day, im depressed. Because im surrounded by end of life, conversations, preparations all the time, sometimes i feel like my life is over too, at 55. I really just want to take a flight to europe and disappear for a year! Lol. I still continue to look for something else, career wise, hoping i find something else, fun, creative, that pays me enough to support myself. Its also possible, life is putting me in this role for a purpose, for me to learn something, i need to know.
Comment by Gary'swife on July 7, 2017 at 3:54pm

I had the strangest experience the other day.  I was in the attic, sorting through some things which belonged to my 2nd husband.  In "my head" I could hear what he would have said about something.....but when I thought about it, the "voice" I heard in my head was of my first husband.   I don't have any videos/recording of either of them, but I can still imagine their voices without a problem.

I'm sure that being under a lot of stress because my oldest brother had a stroke and is now living with me, is causing me to think of my dead loved ones.  My brother had a massive stroke, and it's amazing he lived.  It just brings back all the deaths we have all experienced, but just to keep our sanity must push out of our minds.  At least, that's the way I feel.

 

 

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