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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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More Than One Loss (Multiple Losses)

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More Than One Loss (Multiple Losses)

For Villagers who had more than one loss close together, or who lost a child, or were widowed more than once.  You're not alone... please connect here.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Members: 224
Latest Activity: Oct 14

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Comment by Lostmyeverything on March 4, 2017 at 1:48pm

Baranik - just wanted to respond to 'do other people dream about their relatives who have passed'.

My husband passed in Dec. 2016. I yearned to have him in my dreams. It wasn't until about 3 weeks after he passed he was in my dreams. The first few times the dreams were completely about him and they were awful dreams, he appeared in the dream as he left us, very frail, sick and withdrawn. But, happy to say, these past two weeks he has appeared in my dreams and he is smiling. Only one dream this past week was in a hospital setting, he had oxygen on but was happy and able to speak his needs during the dream. My grandmother who passed when I was young has appeared periodically in my dreams over the past 30 years. When I would wake up from the dreams with my grandmother, I always had a peaceful feeling, very uplifting and would try to figure out why she appeared in my dream. The relatives who she lived with the years before she passed never talk to me ( they are all older than me and live a distance away) so no one was mentioning her in conversation for me to dream about her on those occasions. Anyway, each night when I turn out the lights, I try to clear my mind and think of a happy memory with my husband with the hopes of dreaming about him. -DG

Comment by Beansy on March 4, 2017 at 8:35am
Baranik: thanks for responding. Your question about dreams of family and friends who passed is one I can answer. Yes, I still have dreams about my husband, and wake up now and then thinking he is here, in the bathroom, getting ready for work. It is a great feeling, until I realize he is not here. I dream about others, but those dreams are vague. I have lived here in FL for ten years by myself. I am not a fan of FL since I moved here. It is a sketchy place with a lot of guns and crime. I just love the weather so much. It is easy to walk places with Jim, my guide dog. But I lived in Delaware for over 30 years, and had to sell our house we built there. My heart is back up there, but you can't walk much where we lived. No grocery stores closer than 5 miles, etc. you must be able to drive if you were to live where we lived. In the middle of nowhere. So, I still at times think I am in Delaware when I hear certain things outside. It was very hard at first, trying to figure out where I was. It is better, but still happens. And there are so many people gone who I knew and loved. Two to dementia, which is so difficult. My best sister-in-law and good friend since she married my brother many years ago, now has dementia. They are in CA, and I went there last summer with Jim to see her before she did not know me. It was joyful, bittersweet, we laughed like we always did, she knew me, but she does not now. I am so glad I went. I took planes and trains with Jim the guide dog, and he was so good and so helpful. So I guess dreams go on, and sometimes they are good. Take care of yourself, and know you can and should take care of you. I never thought I would ever feel better after all the hard times, but I have learned to care about me and like me. Or really, I keep on trying. beans
Comment by baranik on March 4, 2017 at 12:44am

Hi I am back like you Beasany I like to read to find out how other people are coping.I still find it difficult to talk about my husband's and daughter's deaths. I think you are very brave to go to Tampa but I know  you will be fine. I have only gone to 2 camps in Toronto as our dollar has taken another hit. I just want to say that the people at camp are very helpful and I have learned so much by attending.  I am prone to panic attacks in crowds so beyond work I do not go out much.  I just leave the room when it gets to be too much and people are understanding.  I just want to ask do other people dream about their dead family members. I am the only one in my family that does .

Comment by Steve on February 23, 2017 at 5:58am
Thank you Beans. Thats so great you got to attend your sons wedding!
Take care, steve
Comment by Beansy on February 22, 2017 at 5:29pm
Steve. My first son who found me is gay, and I went to his wedding last year. I have a son-in-law. The wedding was great. He is much older than you are. I am sorry for your loss. I hope things get better, and I am sure they will. Just take your time. You have so much ahead of you. Beans
Comment by Steve on February 22, 2017 at 4:12pm
Hi Beans. You are so welcome! Mike passed March 1st, 2009, 9 days after his 50th birthday, Feb 20th. I was 16 and he 19 when we became a couple. We just past his bday on Monday, and the 8th anniversary of his passing approaches in a week. No i wont be coming to Tampa. There is a camp widow in San Diego in June, havent been to that yet either. Maybe i will attend this year. We shall see. I have my mother living with me for past 2 yrs, she is MS patient, not easy for me to get away. Thats just wonderful you have two sons, and a grandbaby. So nice your son found you and wants a relationship with you. Yes panic attacks are rough, i dont really understand them, just know when they occur, have to get to quiet, relaxing place to calm myself down. Sorry about the difficulty with your more local son and his family. Maybe he could drop your grand daughter off with you for weekends or something? I understand about worries, of where you will end up. I do have a little nest egg, but not enough to keep me going for the rest of my life. Moms income supports us right now, but when she passes, that will stop. I will have to go back to work at that point. Im currently working on getting my GED, then i hope to attend a trade school to get a career going with a decent salary. I have found love again, his name is Chris, and we have now been together for 3 yrs. He brings a bunch of laughter and fun to my life, which is wonderful. We are taking our time getting to know each other, seeing if we are a fit, if it works out, maybe get married in a few years. He is currently starting a photography and video business, getting it off the ground. He is very smart and talented, i know he can be very successful. You take care, steve
Comment by Beansy on February 22, 2017 at 10:56am
Hi Steve and thanks for the encouragement. You live in CA so I guess you are not coming to Tsmpa. How long ago was your loss? I do find it difficult to go anywhere by myself, although I have been doing it for 20 years. I include visiting any family. I have 5 siblings, all couples, and then there is me. I am the third wheel. Panic attacks are awful, but I only had one bad one. It was because I was thinking about dying alone or because I worry some about where I will end up. I have a guide dog, Jim, but most of my family are not dog people.I have a son up north (I am in FL.) he is a great guy, and loves me, but does not seem to want me to be closer. He is married and has a 3 year old girl, but I never feel comfortable there. I love my granddaughter, the only one I have, but have problems even talking to his spouse. She has a huge family, and I am it for this side. I have been alone many times, including their wedding, among a huge family I do not know well. I have another son, about 11 years older than Joe. I gave him up for adoption during the'scoop' years. That was the way it was before Roe v Wade. You went to a home for unwed mothers, and never saw the baby even when he was born. But three years ago, he found me. We are close, he understands I did what I did with no choice really, with the "help" of Catholic Charities. He lives in NY, where I was born. He is a sweetheart and never seems to not want me around. He has been here 4-5 times. I am a lucky mother because he wanted to know me. Even so, I am not moving to NY. So where I end up is still a worry. Beans
Comment by Steve on February 22, 2017 at 7:04am
Hi Beansy, I understand being nervous about going to Tampa, but good for you. Especially being visually impaired! My heart goes out to you, (hugs). I know after Mike passed, i suddenly found it terrifying to leave my neighborhood. I mostly just wanted to stay home, but i had to leave to get food, supplies, walk our dog, so on. But i mainly stayed in a 3-5 mile radius of my home. I wasnt like this before Mike passed, had no issues at all going anywhere i wanted. I used to drive 100 miles to meet old friends for lunch and shopping, stay all day with them, then drive home in the evening after traffic. I remember the first time i attempted to drive to my therapist office, which was about 45 miles south of me, in downtown San Diego, on huge 12-15 lane freeways, packed with bumper to bumper traffic. I was ok at first, had made this drive no less than 600 times prior, with Mike, this therapist was part of our life together, for close to 16 yrs. About 15 min into the hour long drive, i got really scared, didnt know why, my chest got really tight, my left shoulder started to ache deeply, i thought i was having a heart attack!
I called therapist, cancelled appointment, turned around and went home. As soon as i got off freeway, i started to feel better, calm down. I pulled over in a parking lot, turned off the car, cried. I felt so lost, terrified, without Mike here, physically. Over the past 8 yrs, i have worked to build up my confidence, i am able to go almost anywhere now, without a panic attack, but i still hate driving further than 20 miles or so, after dark. I have not yet been able to over come this. I have tried, and tried, but i just get so terrified, being far from home, after dark. Ive told myself im being rediculous. Im totally safe, have nice, safe new car, cell phone, AAA if something happened, had all these discussions with myself, i have forced myself to stay after dark, with old friends 100 miles from home, and on the dark, lonely drive home, i just get this creepy, terrifying gloomy feeling, and i actually pull off freeway and get a motel room, sleep until i wake, then hit the road home, in the morning, totally fine. I have given up on this for now, i just plan on spending the night if i travel any distance and want to stay past dark. Or i will uber if i have to be home same night, and leave my car at home. Im also terrified to fly now. Have no idea why, never had this severe problem with flying before, but i just cant fly yet, since mike passed. When my mother in law passed in May 16, i purchased a ticket to fly back to Indiana, to be with Mikes family for a couple weeks, morning of flight, had huge panic attack, couldnt get on plane. Had to call family and tell them i wasnt coming, really disappointing them. Missed funeral. Anyway, just sharing these bizarre, things that have changed for me, since Mike passed. Maybe others can relate too. Take care all.
Comment by Beansy on February 21, 2017 at 8:57pm
I am not new here, but just read mostly. I am going to Camp Widow in Tampa in a few weeks. Nervous. I don't go many places because I am visually impaired and do not drive. My husband became ill when he was 37 and died in 1997 at 47 years old. During those years I lost my husband's Dad, his sister, my dad and my best friend at work. I also lost my sister for reasons I will never really know because she will not talk to me anymore. I need to be here. Thanks.
Comment by Lostmyeverything on January 27, 2017 at 5:37am
Last line was suppose to say so hard. I am not checking for spell errors so apologies to all, iPad changes my words
 

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