Pregnant Widows

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Comment by Rebecca B on May 15, 2013 at 11:22am

I am 34 weeks pregnant and my husband passed away when I was only 12 weeks pregnant. I am functioning only bc I have a 2 year old daughter who keeps me going. I am so anxious about giving birth without my husband there. He was so excited for this baby! He was only 35 and died very suddenly. I have since moved in with my parents. I was living 4 hours from them and had no support where I was. I am grateful to have them, but it is not the same. Any advice from those of you who have given birth after being widowed( I hate that word!) and doing it without our husbands? This just feels so unfair!

Comment by MissHIm11 on May 15, 2013 at 6:29am

And Deneise I have not braved your poem yet because I don't want to be a mess before work!! I am SOOO excited for CWW!!!! Can't wait to see your beautiful face again! <3

Comment by MissHIm11 on May 15, 2013 at 6:26am

I hate to come back and see several new members to our group but I am so glad you found us. I was widowed at age 29 with a 13 month old daughter and 6 months pregnant. My grief was intolerable after the birth of my son. Please ladies, if you are experiencing this understand that there is a difference between SURVIVAL, GRIEF and POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION. We are a unique situation and need to do what we can to have our babies. We grieve when we can. Reach out for help. I did intensive individual grief counseling for a year after my husband died. I didn't know it at the time but I think it helped me tons. I was also extremely active here with widowed village and SSLF. Camp Widow is a super experience if any of you get to go. I was able to meet 2 of our fellow pregnant widows and THAT alone helped me beyond words. Please know you have support here. I would love to connect with you. Hugs <3

Comment by J's wife on May 15, 2013 at 5:08am

Beautiful Deneice. I was in tears by your last paragraph. Thank you for sharing with us. 

Comment by longcat on May 13, 2013 at 2:37pm

deneice has said it so perfectly...

Comment by butterfly430 on May 13, 2013 at 1:07pm

My dear fellow (pregnant) widows -- I have not been on here in so long, a lot of the time I get quite lost in the busy that is life, especially being a "sole-parent".. some times, admittedly, there is still a sense of denial to everything; so to speak... that I am a widow, a title I've not always been very accepting of over these last 2 years since my husband passed away - but, an FB message from another beautiful widow (Dianne) reminded me that there are many widows out there (unfortunately), that I, myself, could lend support to, & draw support from!

I read your posts, my heart is taken back to those moments when the reality of being pregnant & widowed set in; how angry I was that these 2 words could ever be in the same sentence... not only was it possible - but, it was MY life?!? All the days I felt so hopeless, that it would ever possibly "get better", I was seemingly condemned to a life of pain deep within in me & I would never truly feel alive again - I was convinced that I had died with Michael, my soul was so lost without him! Then as the weeks go by, while hard to see them drop off the calendar remembering every. single. day is another without the one you love so much, there is an impossible acceptance that your memories are all you have because there would be no more 'days' together... Hell, I would've taken even another minute of time with him, to even say "I love you" just one more time... but then, you start to see the tiny, little, glimmers of HOPE in an otherwise very dark place, while a part of us did die with our loved ones, there still is a part of you that can & will live on... some days you absolutely have to crawl & scratch your way through, but that's OK, that is "normal"! I've found that my understanding will never come for why we are given the wonderful gift of love, yet with that true love, comes the tremendous pain the day you must say goodbye, i think we all understand the inevitability of it, & some of us have been forced to deal with the loss far too soon! Regardless, It hurts deeply, There are really no words as to how deeply that pain runs, it's only an understanding only widow(er)s have... no matter what or when, young or old, that much we all know!!
I remember very well, how scared, angry, heart-broken, devistated... You name it, I was, in the days following Mike's passing - how I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I could hardly function on a human level - I was a zombie - a freakin' widowed zombie!!!
I was angry at the entire world & beyond, every aspect of this new role I was thrust into pissed me off & the sadness mounted... each time I would think of everything I would no longer have with Michael gone, how robbed my children were from their amazing father, especially my unborn son (at the time), I was 28 weeks pregnant the day my husband died, & I just couldn't accept Mike had left the world & would not be next to me the day our son entered this world, I yearned for him to return to me, I literally begged God to give him back- I needed him, my kids needed him, he needed to come home. Period!!! In all of my sadness & denial I would stare blankly out the livingroom window praying over & over that Michael would just walk up the driveway, to the door - I couldn't shut down long enough to sleep, auto-pilot had taken over physically, but, certainly not emotionally - I was a prisoner of the deepest pain imaginable, at some point, I had to have to wake up from this nightmare, right?!? I wish I could say that the day Jaxon was born, 2 1/2 months later, that I did, but this would take far more time, far more healing. I was blessed with my sweet boy on June 22nd, I was happy to be holding this beautiful & precious gift but that didn't take away the very large void that was Michaels absence... I would cry because our newborn son was so precious, & cry some more because Michael wasn't there to hold him & kiss him... The duality of emotions was beyond intense. As I sat in that hospital room for 4 days following my c-section, I can only compare it to what felt like a sort of scarlet letter - only it was this big "W" on my door... The staff, doctors, & nurses, were truly wonderful, but I didn't want to be the "widow in room 107", the new mom with only pictures of her husband to show her baby!? I couldn't get over how wrong it felt, this wasn't how it is suppose to be, & certainly not for me - what did I ever do to deserve this to happen? I actually resented that my Mom was there at Jaxon's birth instead of Michael, I know she was there to support me & it could only be her if Mike wasnt going to be, but I was angry - it wasn't right!? I couldn't count the moments I spent asking & wondering "why me" - "why us"?!
I know my kids were suppose to be drawing strength from me, but it was actually them, whom afforded me the strength to keep going, to keep taking each day as it now were! There were a lot of times when it was 1 step forward & 2 steps back, a lot of days that I was convinced it would never "get better", but it does, some how; it does! That's not to say that I don't have absolutely terrible days, for no specific reason, it could be a dream, a song, random memory that pops in... We know & expect the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. to be hard, but there are days when I feel lost in the grief process once again, all my momentum is gone & my heart is so heavy that all I can do is cry?! It's been 2 years, 1 month, & 6 days since Michael passed away, & I still struggle some times - especially for my kids!!! We find a way to navigate, there are no maps, GPS, or compasses to help us, but there is this amazing community of widows that you can always stop & ask directions; some of us have been traveling a lot longer than others, but there's no doubt we are all here to give the best support than we can!

Sending out my love & hugs to you all!
Message me any time, I am here!

Love Always,
Deneice (butterfly430)

Comment by J's wife on May 13, 2013 at 12:34am

TylerandShane- I'm pregnant now too, seven months & some odd weeks (?) And that I honestly is how it is. I barley functioned after my husband passed (I was 10 weeks at the time) My Doctor was very very supportive & it really helped. I suggest you talk to your provider about what has happened. At first I was annoyed with the extra visits, but after awhile I realized he just wanted to make sure I was okay mentally. Make time for yourself too, I took unpaid leave from work (I know this isn't for everyone-but I needed to do it). Things aren't so easy for me now either. I have two other children to care for & honestly they keep me going. I know it's not healthy to try & live for someone else. But that is what I have to do right now, because it's the only thing I can do. I don't know how things will be after I have my baby. I bet I'll be a freaking wreck. But I have this site & these wonderful ladies to help me through it. Plus I have the support of my doctor & my family -who won't leave me alone even if I wanted it. (-My mother also moved in to help me out.....Do you have family close?) Please know your not alone. I'm so sorry this happened to you. My Husbands passing was entirely unexpected as well. I'm not supppose to be a 28 year old widow. :( Hang in there, take time for yourself & don't be afraid to grieve it won't hurt the baby. I'm always on message me. I'd be glad to offer what support I can. Even if it's just someone to talk too. <3 Hugs.

Comment by Stish14 on May 11, 2013 at 10:52pm

Tyler and Shane- I just had my first child 8 days ago. I was 26 weeks pregnant when my fiancé passed away. Those months I thought were the worst and so very hard together through, but as time went on i started seeing some light and hope in each day. Some of the things I did and still do especially to help make myself the healthiest I could be mentally and emotionally for my baby were writing in a journal I can eventually give to our child, going to counseling, surrounding myself with supportive people who let me talk about him and they also talked about him, and I just let myself cry when I needed. I am struggling once again with my grief because of my hormones from having the baby and all my thoughts about how he will never be here to experience all the milestones. It will get easier day by day but make sure you let yourself grieve and don't hold it in. Make sure you surround yourself with family and friends and eat and drink enough. Your baby is the bright spot in this horrible tragedy and is the best gift your husband could have ever given you.

Comment by longcat on May 11, 2013 at 9:58pm

:( i'm so sorry you're here.  i was 32w with our first and only when my husband passed...he was 27.  our son was born 5 weeks later and is now 3 years old.  there isn't much you can do but feel what you feel and try to remember to keep drinking water, eat when you can stomach it.  you're sooooo early on.  :(  my heart breaks for you.  i only have a vague memory of those early days, i was in such a fog.  one day at a time, even one hour at a time if a day was too much.  lean on your friends and family if you can.

Comment by TylerandShane on May 11, 2013 at 9:26pm

I can't believe I'm posting on a widow site, this is my life now. I'm 5 months pregnant and just lost my husband the love of my life a week ago. I miss him so much it burns. My husband is the sweetest, most humble and beautiful person I've ever met and I feel like I can't breathe without him. We did everything right in our lives, graduated college, got great jobs, had a storybook romance and a NYC rooftop wedding, bought and amazing forever house and planned our baby. The day we found out we were having a girl my beautiful 32 year old husband went to be with God. I'm lost without him and am afraid for our unborn baby with the lack of sleep and stress I'm experiencing. I need some help. If there is anyone out there who is or was pregnant when their love passed please reach out to me and tell me how you survived. You can reach me here or even call or text, please help.
Shane and Tyler

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