To address the question you started the discussion, I suppose it depends on the person. Some people do not have the capacity to leave their anger behind and focus on what can be good in a new relationship. Having going through the loss we did, we absolutely need to have someone who has the ability to understand that our situation is not even close to going through a divorce. It sounds like you found such a person Doug! That is just wonderful!
I met a widower in WV chat 3.5 years ago. We got married a year ago. I know how darn lucky I am to have someone in my life that allows me to talk about my late husband, share the good and the bad times, and even still grieve. Thanks for starting this forum!!!!
I'm not remarried and I'm not ready to date - I don't think I ever will be - but I just popped in to say I think this group is a great idea, and a needed group.
I married a widow. We can understand each other in our loss. A person who has never been married cannot.Also, a divorced person carries a baggage of bitterness of the failure of their marriage, for whatever reason.
I think you raise an interesting point. Of course no one who hasn't suffered the loss of their spouse can know what it's like; but they can certainly have empathy and understanding if they married someone who has been widowed, even if it's their first marriage. People who have been through divorce do have baggage, but we all have baggage. And some people who are divorced have had happy, successful marriages in second and even third marriages. Sometimes they might have "jumped the gun" and married before they were ready. I remember when my middle brother (I have 3) got married, he threw up before the ceremony. My mom told him he didn't have to go through with it... but he did, and that one lasted 2 years. He second marriage lasted a little longer, but his wife basically wanted kids, hence the marriage, and the kids didn't happen, and then he changed professions, and she left because he went from a high-paying job to being an artist - and a poor artist. Now he's married again, and this one is solid; he's happy, he's painting and selling his work, and his wife is happy if he's happy, and vice versa.. But... there are no widows in that story... Michele Neff Hernandez is remarried, but I wonder if her current husband is a widow - I don't think so. I'd be interested in her take on this! I'm glad you're happy with your marriage. You are lucky to have found someone again.
Talisker sometimes the reverse is the case and you meet a person who has never married but completely understands. I mean look at Doug?
I initially thought widows would be a good fit for me since they understand the grief journey that I am on. However, I have found that sometimes widows have baggage of bitterness as well if their marriage wasn't happy or they find out some unpleasant secrets of their husband afterwards. I try not to categorize people since everyone is unique. Since my wife suffered from depression for many years before her death, I looked for someone that was generally happy and upbeat. It's challenging to find a widowed person who is generally happy and upbeat, so I opened up my dating options. Since I have 4 sons, I knew I wanted someone who understands parenthood. I lucked out and found a wonderful woman who happens to be divorced with 2 younger boys. She seems to understand trauma and grief, since she is a social worker. Additionally, she is an awesome parent. I am becoming a better person and parent just by knowing her. We have been dating for 1.5 years and plan to get married in 2018.
I think that's wonderful! I tried online "dating"; no matches, or maybe I'm being too picky? I don't want marriage again; I don't want a serious relationship - just a companion to hang out with mainly. Hard to find.
WOW ! ! ! Wish something like that would happen to me. The problem that I have is my age. Hard to find the right match .
Hi everyone, I just joined WV and this is my first post. My wife died November 2014. We were together for 22 years. Over the past few months, I have been dating a lovely, unmarried woman with no children. She always wanted kids but wasn't able to have them. She is great with my three children. All is going well for the most part. But what I'm struggling with is I have an emotional wall that I need to overcome. I haven't been able to tell her that I love her. Maybe I started dating too quickly and still have a long way to go to process my grief. I enjoy my girlfriend's company very much, but being with her feels different and I don't know yet if it feels right. As time passes, I hope that I will love her and be able to tell her that and mean it, but what if that day doesn't come? What if it never comes with any woman I enter into a relationship with? I would like to think that I will fall in love again one day, if not with the woman I am seeing now, than with someone else.
A few cracks have surfaced in our relationship. Because she is not a parent, she doesn't fully appreciate the demands of parenting and that my children must come first. She is accustomed to being in relationships with unmarried men who don't have kids and so can give her lots of attention. For her, I'm the first widower she's dated and the first guy with kids. Sometimes she's said some things that have hurt me, e.g. "When are you going to get over her?" and "When are you going to move on?" but, in her defense, it must be difficult for her to shower me with affection and not get heartfelt expressions of love in return.
It is during these difficult times in our relationship that I find myself wondering whether dating a widow with children may be a better fit. I haven't dated anyone who is separated or divorced so I don't have an opinion on that.
Hello,Onedayatatime....I'm sorry you have to be part of this, but I'm so glad you found us!
I haven't dated since I lost my husband in November of 2010; but I hope my words may help you somewhat.
First of all, don't tell her you love her if you yourself aren't sure. It can only lead to bad feelings, and expectations. I hear you about you children and they come first for you, and she doesn't get this because of not being a parent herself. And I have to say, good for you for standing up for your kids.
People who haven't had this loss don't get it. And when people say "when are you going to get over over" and "when are you going to move on" that's clear that they really don't get it. This may be a comfortable relationship for you, but it sounds like you've pretty much answered your own question - should you date a widow with children? Maybe... Or maybe you aren't ready for a committed relationship? I have gone on some websites in the past, just to see what is out there, and I never find anyone I'm attracted to, which honestly tells me I'm not being too picky - I'm just not ready for another relationship. My husband and I were married for over 31 years, and as one person put it - that's a lifetime. And it is... and I think I'm still married. I think we all want a companion; someone to share our lives with. It gets lonely - very lonely. But maybe that's something we have to go through? I don't know; I can only speak for myself.
As for that "emotional wall" - could it be that you're just no ready to let it down? Be kind to yourself. It may have been over a year, but it's still very early in this journey. Good luck.
Hi. I just joined this group and this is my first post. I am at a loss and really need advice. I lost my husband, Dan, of 21 years to a 12 year fight with cancer in March 2013. I have three children who are now 23, 22 and 18 - girl, boy, girl. I will be an empty nester in September. I have been dating a divorced man for 3 years. He is a wonderful person and when he is around makes me happy. I do love him and we share a lot of the same interests. He is not like my husband at all - which one part of me says that I am not looking to replace my husband I am looking for a companion to share my new life. My husband was a very generous and larger than life person - sometimes too much. Joe is more quite but also a very giving person just in a less large way. This may or may not have something to do with my problems.
I do not know if this is the correct order of severity but:
1. Joe is still jealous of me discussing Dan. The other night we went to dinner with one of Dan and my oldest friends. Two days later he tells me he is angry because he felt we spoke about Dan too much at dinner. It was his idea to go out with this couple (he was friends with the wife before I met him) and I was not even that anxious to go. I told him I will always love Dan and that has nothing to do with my relationship with him. He feels he is third in my life behind Dan and my children. He is behind my children and I think at this point he needs to be; I do not even understand feeling behind Dan - the man is dead for God sake. I do not compartmentalize my heart into 1st, 2nd etc.
2. My two girls despise him. They are rude to him and now in return he ignores them. In the beginning he tried to have a relationship with them but they were very stubborn. I thought it would pass but it has actually gotten worse. This has made our relationship awkward since on holidays and vacations we cannot all be together. He has 2 adult children - one is in rehab which has added an additional strain. My children do not care for either of his children and do not want to even have dinner together.
I really am at a loss of what to do. I am thinking I should stop seeing him because if we have these problems 3 years into a relationship there is no way it can survive but I would like to stay with him because I do love him and his companionship. Any advice would help.