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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1505
Latest Activity: 6 hours ago

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Comment by heartbroken aussie 6 hours ago
Thank you all for your comments. I have just passed the one year anniversary and today is the anniversary of his funeral. I was so angry about the SIM card request but I believe it was a combination of things that made me so angry. I had to put that out of my mind to try and cope with this time of year and the anniversaries are so hard. Eveyone is talking about Christmas but I'm such a grinch and can't wait for it to be over.
Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on Wednesday

Oh yeah, I remember those awful fears!

My daughter gave me a wake up call about coping w/fears 3 yrs ago when she suddenly moved out w/no money, job, vehicle, phone or apt. She was absolutely fearless! I was stunned - all I thought about were the kinds of issues that could keep setting her back. A little over a year latter she finally called. OMG, she had a job earning good money, a studio apt, was going to college, happiness, etc ... Halellujah!

Having learned during the grief process, to cope w/my fears was a tremendous help in keeping me calm & steady as well as believe she would make it & be okay ...

Try a massage, it will lessen stress & the intensity of fear to help make it bearable ...

Comment by Nance63 on Wednesday

That's the thing, Hope.. our whole  lives have been altered irrevocably  and we somehow  have to continue on, while building  some unknowable  new life.  It's scary. 

Comment by Hope on Monday

Thrust into a new world after so many years is difficult. I not only miss Ken but the whole life we led. Now I am reaching out to create something that will sustain me through these last years that I call Chapter 2.

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on November 23, 2016 at 5:12am


I hope your 1st anniversary wasn't too terribly hard. At 9yrs out, every anniversary for me has been different.

I gave a lot of thought as to why your fiance's mother would want his SIM card, honestly, I couldn't think of one.

While I couldn't find any information on "right of survivorship" in Australian law, I did find how to prove a de facto relationship. My understanding is in a proven de factor relationship you are entitled to all your fiance's belongings. Your engagement might easily prove it especially if you had announcements, pictures from an engagement party, or pictures w/either or both sets of parents after hearing of the engagement or maybe just the ring. Not sure if these are applicable in an Australia court of law to prove de facto relationship. You might have to consult an attorney if any issues arise.

I'm adding the links below to help empower you. What you can say to fiance's mother is you're keeping the SIM card for sentimental reasons - there are personal texts contained in it. You can also offer her one or more of his belongings you are willing to part with such as family photos &/or gifts she gave him. If she asks for something you haven't thought of then take a moment to consider if you want to give it up. If you need more time just say I'll get back to you.

Australian property law includes personal but tangible objects which I would think encompasses a SIM card.
The 2 links above are both filled w/information on how to prove a de facto relationship.

Hope these help …
Take care of yourself …

Comment by Hope on November 14, 2016 at 1:24pm

clovergirl, there are no words to express the sadness I feel for your circumstances. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. It's just heart wrenching and I am so sorry

Comment by Solita on November 13, 2016 at 4:44pm

Clovergirl sending you love and light.  You are in my heart.  I am so sorry this has happened.

Comment by Nance63 on November 10, 2016 at 3:33pm

Clovergirl, I am so very sorry for your terrible experience and devastating loss of your sister, especially in such complicated and tragic circumstances. I hope that you will also be able to have some intensive personal counseling to support you in your compounded grief and the shock.  I am so sorry for how their children have reacted. I suppose it is to be expected, and a form of self protection. They also need time and care. I think you recognize that but of course you are so wounded by it all.  It's all just dreadful, and  I want to offer my condolences (such an understatement) and prayers for you.

Heartbroken Aussie, I was going to come on and just suggest that you do whatever/however you need to do to withhold that SIM from your fiancé's mother, even if you must tell her you've sent it and it just never arrives (lost in the mail) if it helps you. I have just read onedayatatime's post and  want to thank him for that very thorough information and advice which gives much food for thought.  Thank you, David, for your special insight into that type of dilemma.

Comment by without on November 10, 2016 at 8:09am

I am a year and almost 2 month out. At first I thought that I would not read messages or emails or texts that my love sent to other people as it was his right for privacy. In our lives together we have always given each other space and never put our noses into each others affairs unless invited. It was not long ago that I could not take it any more. I needed something of him, anything new that I did not already go over a hundred times. A piece to remind me of the person he was. And so I did it. I turned on his phone and went through some of his texts. It was the little jokes that he wrote that warmed my heart to the core. I know that it does not matter what is in his mail and messages at this point, weather it be good or bad. I also know that he would not care about me reading it. But he would be glad that I got even a little bit of comfort out of it. I am writing this to share my story. At first I was under the impression that I would never invade his privacy, it was only after some time passed that I came to see that that was not true. We never know how our feelings will change with time. I think it is a good idea to put this issue on hold and see how you feel about it later. Only do what feels right for you.

Comment by onedayatatime on November 10, 2016 at 7:31am

Dear Heartbroken Aussie,

I am sorry for your loss.  Like you, I have been drawing strength from others' comments on this site, but I have not written much.  I was moved to comment on your question for a few reasons:

1. I struggled with whether to access my wife's email account from Microsoft and review her messages;

2. I am employed as a privacy officer at a company and so the topic of privacy interests me greatly;

3. My wife and I spent a year backpacking around Australia after we were married and so I have a deep fondness for your country and its people.

I think your concerns about protecting your fiancé's privacy are genuine and irrefutable.  You should not turn over his SIM card to anyone until you are ready to review what's on it and decide what is appropriate to disclose.  Turning over his SIM card to his mother or anyone else could potentially create a bunch of issues and strife.  While many countries' privacy laws do not extend privacy interests to the deceased, on the theory that they cannot feel shame or humiliation, the fact is your fiancé had private text conversations with family members and friends who do have privacy rights and likely had an expectation of privacy if they confided in him in texts and emails.

Has your fiancé's mother given you a reason for wanting access to her son's SIM card? If your fiancé was communicating with relatives who were estranged from his mother, she could potentially want to see what they were communicating. If she is given access to your fiancé's messages and reads them all, she may learn things about herself, her son or others that she may not like, thereby potentially creating a whole new set of issues and conflict for the living.

You know your fiancé well and a lot of your decisions should be guided by what you think is right and what he would want.  Stick to your guns and say you don't think anyone should be accessing your fiancé's SIM right now, including you, and you would like your fiancé's mother to drop the subject for at least a year.  You can revisit it then and you may feel that your position has not changed, and that is fine.

If and when you feel like accessing his SIM and reading messages, you can decide what is or is not appropriate to share with his mother.

Warm wishes,



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