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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to widville@gmail.com.

Members: 1331
Latest Activity: 1 hour ago

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Comment by Terry 1 hour ago

Heath...believe me when I say that you are experiencing what many of us have with the guilt.  I still have times when I struggle to deal with signing a DNR order the day before my wife passed away.  I keep asking myself "what if I hadn't signed it, would she still be here?"  The thing that sucks about that is I can't possible know the answer but have to instead teach myself to believe that I did the best that I could do at the time.  As far as feeling hopeless and not wanting to go on, that is also us in the early stages and particulary me just a few short months ago.  It will be 5 months on Thursday for me and reading your posts, I can see myself in your experience right now.  We find ourselves wishing time forward to take away some of the pain.  I know at first reading about someone who was say 6 months to a year out, I would envy them as I felt if I could just be there the hurt would be over.  The hurt is not over and never will be.  What I can say is that the edge has been taken off of it.  I wake up each day now with the thought in my mind "what am I going to do with today to make it worth something?"  My wife would not have appreciated me wasting my life drowning in sorrow so there are many days when I have to do it for her as I cannot do it for myself.  It is very early days for you so my advice is treat yourself very gently.  Have no expectations and do not allow others to put theirs on you either.  This is the time for you to be selfish with what you need.  I did send you a friend request so if you are interested and wish to accept I would welcome the opportunity to be a support for you.

Comment by Heath 1 hour ago
Thank You Hopeful30 ! I just don't know if I can ever forgive myself because I wasn't home when she needed me most. The should've, would've , could haves stay in the back of my head. I just recently started sleeping in our bed again because she was the last one in it and I didn't wanna mess it up. But every morning I get up and walk in the living room I picture me working on her there in the floor and automatically get sick to my stomach. There's no support groups in my region, I do have a lot
Of good friends , family and her family. But right now I'm going through the phase that I just want to be locked up
In the house & not be bothered.
Comment by Heath 1 hour ago
I'm facing the same problem Brandy1977. I just do know or understand how to
Move on without her. I'll be 42 on August 13th Tash was 36 May 31st. But she was everything to me. I done Cpr for over 35 mins waiting on Ems . She had 6 hours of continuous Cpr that day but she didn't die until June 23rd. I just hope she knows I tried with everything in me to save her. Being an Emt is tough enough mentally without having to be Emt and have to work on your family. We still don't know what happened to her like I said she was happy as she could be 12 minutes before I found her. They did tell us it wasn't a heart attack. We are still awaiting autopsy results. I'm
Scared to death to read it when it does come. I'm afraid it could cause me to lose my mind if it's something she could've went to the dr and got fixed before it got that far. I'm lost, confused, Blaming myself because I couldn't do anymore for her, I got through periods of anger, crying, despair , losing all hope. I want to move on but right now I just can't let her go and move on.
Comment by Hopeful30 2 hours ago

@Heath and Brandy1977, each day you do go on is a testament to your love for your wives. The world can seem so bleak, but I would like to believe that our loved ones are in a better place watching over us. We get to honor them each day by sharing their love, their laughter, and their memories with our little corner of the world. I understand the blame you both carry, but that is a mighty load. When you are ready, forgive yourselves. You both did everything you could in that moment. 

Comment by Brandy1977 3 hours ago
Hey Heath,
I am so very sorry for your loss I truly understand how you feel about blaming yourself. I run over that morning in my head over and over I even think about our last weekend together and how she kept saying she wasn't feeling good. I remember telling her I was worried and that I think she should go to the ER she told me no because back on may 21st she went to the ER and knew that she would be getting the bill for that soon. She was told then that her gallbladder needed to come out. Her surgery was scheduled for June 20th. Coroner thinks her bowel somehow ruptured and she was bleeding internally. On Sunday everyone she stood up she got dizzy and said her legs were like jello. Monday night she went to get up off the bed and fell I asked her if she wanted me to help her get up and she said no because her legs felt to weak. So I put my pillow on the floor with her and blankets and was up and down with her all night long making sure she was okay. That morning our daughter Madison came from her room to get breakfast and Jan called for her to come in our room to help me get her up to the bed since her legs were so weak. We got her up laying her across the bed sitting and talking to her about our plans to take her to the doctors. I went out of the room to call my boss to say I was not coming in. Then all of a sudden I heard weird sounds coming from the bedroom. She was groaning,slering her words and flopping around I remember putting my hands on her face asking what was going on. She wouldn't look at me. She moved around so much she slide off the bed back on the floor I screamed for our 2 oldest to help me lay her down then our oldest called 911 I went out of the room for about 2 minutes to move everything out of the way for the EMTs and then went back in I put my hand on her back she was not breathing our oldest called 911 again said my mom is not breathing hurry up.They worked on her for an hour with no response. Our world turned upside down within 15 to 20 mins. I miss her so much I feel do lost,empty and incomplete without her.one step at a time. Just not sure how to move forward without her.
Comment by breistl 3 hours ago
Clovergirl you have the right to be selfish on that day. Everyone grieves differently and they shouldn't force you to do what they want. Maybe you all can compromise and you each do something you want and then come together to do something you all agree upon. I hope you can find peace in the 15th.
Comment by Heath 4 hours ago
So very sorry for your loss Brandy1977. I'm in a very similar situation myself. Everything is so dark & gloomy for me. I lost my wife my everything on June 20th,2015 suddenly. She had gotten me up for coffee around 8:45am that Saturday she was fine cleaning house , doing laundry, we were getting ready to have our daughters 1st birthday party that day at 2:pm . I had to pick up the birthday cake at 12:pm. She had laid down playing on her cell phone about 11 I went and laid down with her and we talked about 20 minutes about 11:30am I left to go pick up the cake. I called her on the way home to see if she wanted me to bring the cake home or drop it off at the place we were having the party. She first said just bring it on home then she said see if mom is there that she might be there finishing up decorating. I talked to her all the way there I told her that her mom was there and she said ok drop the cake off them come get the presents and run them back over there I'm gonna get off here & finish getting ready I'm not done getting ready yet. I said ok baby we said our I love you's. I got home about 12 minutes later and found her unresponsive in the living room floor. She took two last breaths I am a 22 yr Emt. I immediately begun Cpr on her until Ems could arrive. Needless to say she passed and I can't quit blaming myself. I'm so lost without her. She was everything I had ever wished for and ask God to send me. My life was turned completely upside down in less than 15 minutes. I'm having such a really hard time dealing with this. I wish I could give ya some reassuring words of encouragement. I don't think there are any words. All I know know it just gets harder for me with each passing day. I wish you the best of luck & God Bless you ! I know exactly what you are dealing with and going through.
Comment by MacRose 5 hours ago

I lost my husband of 32 years, half my life, on June 30th. He went to the store and didn't come home. I got a call saying he fell and was going by ambulance to the local hospital. they life flighted him from there to our level one trauma center but he never regained consciousness. I made the choice to take him off life support after seeing the CAT scans and having his surgeon tell me he wasn't going to make it. There's much more to my trauma in this but that's all I'll say for now. Just wanted to introduce myself to the group.

Comment by laurajay 6 hours ago

Brandy1977.   Sorry for your recent loss.   TIME  is a one word answer for how to move forward without her.  Simply no formula or easy, quick process  works.   Take one thing at a time, be good to yourself and your children and trust time to ease the sharpness of this sudden, unexpected loss.

Comment by clovergirl 6 hours ago

August 15 will be the one year anniversary. Any suggestions on what to do? My sister in law asked me what I wanted to do. I was actually thinking about just me and my son doing something together, but he has to work, so I was thinking about doing something like going to an out of town restaurant with some girlfriends. I suppose I really should do something with the family, they have been really good to me and they mean well. Her suggestion was going to the cemetery and releasing balloons. I know that some people get great comfort in going to the cemetery. I don't. I have been a few times and I feel horrible afterwards. I talk to Bill all the time, I feel close to him in our room and in his garage. Those spots are usually comforting to me. Anyway, I don't want to go to the cemetery and my son was not real big on the idea either. My mother in law moved in with me in June, so I guess I have to do something that includes her. That makes me sound awful!!! She is sweet and her moving in was something we talked about before he died. But I can't handle a bunch of wailing and I am afraid that is what will happen at the cemetery. I can't be selfish and go off with my girlfriends, which is what I really want to do. I could really use some ideas on what to do.

 

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