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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Comment by laurajay on October 3, 2017 at 2:28pm

Frank.  It may vary by state  but  here  if you served  in the military  with an honorable discharge ( as my husband  did)  you can receive  the full  military  honors at the  grave site  even if you choose  a cemetery  that is not  a national one.  We did  not want him  far away  and alone so we used the cemetery close to home where my parents are buried and where  I will be one day as well.  The military  gestures  were still free  but  cemetery  costs were not in my husband's case.   Very touching  ceremony.  I still hold the American  flag  they presented  to  me as his widow in my arms   now  and then and  know he would have been pleased  to have had  the acknowledgment  of serving his country in his youth.  I know we are all proud  of his service.   We also  had a bagpiper  playing   near the grave site  as  well.  It was  a wonderful  ceremony.

As  his death was  unexpected  and  sudden  I was comforted  in how quickly the necessary people  came on the scene  to help.  We were blessed it went flawlessly.  I still wish it had not happened when it did~  it's still as puzzlement to me  and I still  miss him .  44yrs  was  a long  time for a  marriage and the sudden ending still brings pain  without  answers.   Have you had snow yet?   hugs    lj

Comment by IBelieveInYou on October 3, 2017 at 4:25am

Hi Frank, what a great post. One of these days I will come up to your place and have coffee with you. 

Comment by Frank on October 2, 2017 at 9:22pm

Hi All,

You might want to check with the laws of the state in which you are planning to spread your loved one's ashes many states will not allow that, especially in smaller lakes, streams, and ponds. 

There most all cemeteries have walls with holes in them in which the urn may be placed and the front of the hole is covered by a plaque with whatever you want inscribed on it. 

After Susan passed, she wanted to be a donor, but she was without oxygen and circulation too long making her organs not viable.  I gave her to "Science Care" and when they were done, they cremated her remains and gave them to the mortuary that we had designated.  I brought Susan home and put her in the closet behind my back where I spend most of my time.  I through much of our marriage I cared for her reminding her to check her blood sugar and other things such as helping with her "at home dialysis."  I was her caregiver for several years.  After a period of time, I came to realize that even  after her passing, I was still (in effect) taking care her by keeping her home with me.  I contacted the members of our family and told them that I was going to inter her at a national cemetery in Denver and when the service would be.  My boys and I came up with what we thought would be a good inscription that honored her life and our love, and we had the service.  As I am retired military she now has a spot at Ft. Logan in Denver, and a head stone.  When I fall off my perch I will be interred beside her.

If your spouse served in the military for any length of time and was honorably discharged they have a free plot reserved for them.  They will, if you wish be buried with full military honors, again, at no cost. And you can be buried beside them, again at no cost.  Check with the Veterans Affairs office. 

Susan passed in December and in August I was able to let her go.  That next November, I was visiting her and found myself holding onto the grave stone, leaning over the area where she was buried, sheltering her from the falling snow.  Suddenly, in the crying and tears, I realized what I was doing, and the folly of it.  She no longer needed my to care for her.  I asked her what I was doing, dried my eyes, and walked back to the truck.  She was safe and in good hands.  That was the beginning of my turn around.

HUGS
Frank

    

Comment by SilverAnniversary on October 2, 2017 at 12:14pm

My husband's urn is beside my bed and that is where he will stay until I join him.

He never wanted a marker.

In fact he was hoping to be donated to science and organs harvested and that would be the end of if. But because of him lying overnight in the ambulance before and the cause of death was cyanide he is stuck with me. (which he would be okay with as he knew he might not have been needed)

 

Comment by SilverAnniversary on October 2, 2017 at 12:12pm

My husband's urn is beside my bed and that is where he will stay until I join him.

He never wanted a marker.

In fact he was hoping to be donated to science and organs harvested and that would be the end of if. But because of him lying overnight in the ambulance before and the cause of death was cyanide he is stuck with me. (which he would be okay with as he knew he might not have been needed)

 

Comment by dougn52 on October 2, 2017 at 7:11am

going.on.slowly

I thought cemeteries did this for people.

Comment by going.on.slowly on October 2, 2017 at 6:54am
It has been 18 months since my husband suddenly died. I have his ashes in a beautiful rustic box in my livingroom. He and I had spoken through the years of where we would want our ashes spread. I know that he wanted half of his ashes to be spread by our
beautiful lake and on his favorite run of our local ski hill. Does anyone have any ideas of a permanent place that I could put a few ashes that we could visit? Where his name could be? There are benches with names on them around our community but they are difficult to acquire. I'd appreciate any ideas.
Comment by roark on September 26, 2017 at 1:49pm

I want to thank you all and to soaring spirits dot com for having this site. I truly find reading the blog helpful.

I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpected 27 months ago from heart attack while he was walking outside. We have a home in another state and he was there alone when he died. He was fixing our home preparing it to put it in the market.  He was in good health except high blood pressure which he takes medication for it. He was very strong. After he died I was numb and felt like a robot. I just do whatever I need to do. I couldn't sleep nor eat for over a month. I cried and cried and screamed sometimes. I couldn't breath at other times and having panic attacks. I went to grief share in few churches; one church is not enough. I also went to counseling and also see a private grief counselor. I also just retired from work few months before he died and now being home alone without him is very lonely. I feel lost and some days I feel hopeless. The agony is non stop and I have to learn to live with this. This is how I learned this site trying to reach out. I am very grateful to all of you.

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 2, 2017 at 5:46pm

(((HUGS Weigh Anchor)))

Try calling the medical examiner to ask what has been found as well get answers to questions you may have - be sure to mention the sounds your husband was making ...

Too many people assumed the sounds my husband was making was the death rattle which explained absolutely nothing as far as I was concerned ...

The ME explained that following the car collision, Bob was having a massive heart attack ...

Those sounds are similar to snoring, gurgling, groaning or labored breathing ...

The correct term is "agonal breaths/respirations" - abnormal breathing ...

When this occurs, only a trained professional might be able to save the person - my husband was too far gone ...

Bob was killed in June, I received the autopsy report on Wednesday prior to Labor Day weekend ...

Since charges were pending, the autopsy report was required ASAP b/c his death was by a road rage driver ...

Anyhoo, I waited till the kids were safely on their way out of town on vacation before I read the report for the sake of privacy- I spent the entire holiday in bed screaming & crying ...

Blessings ...

Comment by SilverAnniversary on September 2, 2017 at 4:09pm

It is over. Detour gave its guilty plea and the judge made a decision.

It took all of 2 days.

The reason it was quick and we didn't get the penalty we were hoping for, was because the judge din't want us to have to deal with it any longer. We suffered enough.

I do get a settlement, which Detour was hoping to give in monthly payments over 10 years. I told the crown I can't deal with them that long.

He told the court and the judge agreed. I will get the amount in full and it won't even say Detour on the cheque. They pay the court and the court pays me.

Needless to say it was a relief it was over, despite the Detour group smiling and all happy that they didn't have to pay more. 

Next up, starting January 29, will be a four week trial for the 3 managers. 

For now I will relax and hope to get the money sooner than later. (they have 60 days to pay)

 

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