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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to widville@gmail.com.

Members: 1485
Latest Activity: 3 hours ago

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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 7, 2016 at 3:24pm

I've been on both sides as a single mother & a widowed mother. - not the same for different reasons.

I still see single mothers treated as if they are morally beneath others as well as thought of as welfare recipients or simply stupid for getting pregnant w/out first being married. Many think they should be able to manage on their own as if to say she made her bed, now she has to sleep in it. Mother & child are much easily disowned by one or both families and that is a hard one especially when a single -widowed- mother like some on widow websites.

Widowed mother's are avoided; due to discomfort being around the grieving, fear of unknown & unpredictable changes while ot hers simply might not understand how debilitating grief can be. However, many receive offerings to help even if they do not pan out. Those that do come forth are a major plus.

Being widowed is not about what we do & do not receive. It's about grief/loss, experiencing anger when feeling cheated & thinking life is unfair. There is always a reason to hate - love, care, concern, fairness are not so easy to find. Its okay to be angry, its okay to take a break from the real issue(s), but do try to keep the focus on grief to work it through & out of your system repeatedly b/c its too easy to compare &  be prejudiced as well as pisst off about everything when carrying grief. Just do the best you can. More than anything, kids need their surviving parent to find their way back to them, to life.

(((HUGS)))

Comment by Leslie Dianne on September 6, 2016 at 6:28pm

I'm not sure if it was this group or not, but I read a comment yesterday on this board about society seems to give more support to single mothers than widows with children. I feel that way too.

Comment by alonenow (Betsy) on September 6, 2016 at 5:07pm
Gaining Strength,
Thank you for your support.
Betsy
Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 5, 2016 at 3:08pm

Pufferfish -believe me, I understand. Just know, the grief does stop. Presently, what is important is that its easier to cope w/one picture than an entire wall or bookshelf full. As a MIL, the first thing I'd look for is a picture to make me feel secure in knowing my son was truly loved & my young grandchild knows/sees/never forgets her father. The security would also make me feel welcome in my DIL's new life. Actions speak louder than words.   

Comment by laurajay on September 5, 2016 at 1:19pm

Pufferfish.  Nothing says you have to hang the photos.  Just have a couple out that she can see.  If you are not looking forward to the strong feelings you will have looking at the pictures-don't " hang" them up on the walls yet.

Comment by Pufferfish on September 5, 2016 at 12:24pm
Thank you sweetmelissa and Laura Jay...you confirmed what I know I should do and put some pictures out but also what I fear which is having to deal with the grief again by seeing the photos.
Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 5, 2016 at 11:54am

Hi Pufferfish,

It appears you are concerned about your MIL's feelings, so why not go the distance by putting up at least one picture of Doug? If not for her, but for your son. It will  prevent upset as well as a discussion that isn't necessary.

Comment by laurajay on September 5, 2016 at 11:45am

Pufferfish.  Be kind and keep the peace.  You don't have to go against your own desire to not decorate with photos in your new place  BUT  assuming your MIL  is his mother and loved him for a long time before you ever even met him show your love by having a couple of photos of your husband out- even on a shelf or table- so she can see them.  Save yourself from answering questions  and simply say you have not yet decided how to decorate your new place including wall hangings.  etc.   Don't create unnecessary hard feelings.  She is coming to see you out of love.  Return it by letting her son be visible.  When she leaves  you can always put the photos away again til you decide.    Congratulations on your new life.    Keep an open heart and for the time you are with your MIL  try to see it her way.  She lost her child.  The same man who was your husband.   This is my opinion because you asked and because I am a mother in law and a mother and a senior.  God Bless.

Comment by Pufferfish on September 5, 2016 at 9:29am
It has been 2 years now since Doug passed. We have moved to a new town, new house, new job. I haven't unpacked the wedding photos...just haven't felt the need or desire. My MIL will be visiting for the first time and I know she will wonder why I don't have any photos of Doug up. Should I hurriedly unpack and hang photos or just let her know that I don't plan to put pictures up just yet? I don't want to hurt her but there are lots of other things around the house that reflect Doug.
Comment by Gaining Strength on September 4, 2016 at 6:54pm

So sorry Betsy. No words. I can feel the pain through your post. No matter how many posts I read, I cannot ever get accustomed to this heartache.  I often think of the people that I see on the street. No one knows what pain they are feeling. 

 

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