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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to widville@gmail.com.

Members: 1470
Latest Activity: on Monday

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Comment by laurajay on Sunday

SA-  do not give it another thought...most forms for assistance are somewhat generic and if someone is asking for assistance for let's say a physical condition that requires sessions of physical therapy it would be likely they might have a good idea of how long/how many sessions it would take for the condition to improve.  Grieving is more emotional and not as easily assessed. Typical for everyone to be lumped together in questioning.   Simply answer that the answer cannot be assessed until a future time  after counselling has commenced.  Don't take it personally. It's the system.  We tend to be very sensitive when in the midst of grief.  Stand tall.  Hold up your head and try to forgive inconsiderate questions.  People are just so unaware.  Good Luck.

Comment by SilverAnniversary on Sunday

I know people may ask dumb questions but for the most part I haven't had to deal with it.

But one question plays on my mind.

I called WSIB the other day to see if I can get assistance to cover the cost of a counsellor recommended by my doctor. I am not sure if I will qualify as the one year mark has passed, but unlike most cases they deal with I am facing two trials in the death of my husband.

Now most questions she asked were understandable, name and contact information of the counsellor. (my first appointment is Aug. 5)

But the one question that I can't shake, which she asked as though it was realistic to have an answer for, "How many sessions will you require?"

Really, is there some magic formula that will let me know when I will be completely okay? If so, let me know so I can book daily sessions to get to the end sooner. 

I know she is just gathering the information to send to the correct department, but still, somebody actually thought it was a proper question to ask of those who are grieving.

Comment by Hope on Thursday

I read Seven Choices that Terry was reading. It is the best book I have read on grieving and it's realistic and provided good guidance and hope for the future. I realize now that there is no magic that once you meet the year mark you are ok. I somehow wanted this second year to be free of grief...not realistic. Having said that I know I am changing and learning to live in new ways

Comment by happylilycat on July 20, 2016 at 5:33am

Christina, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.  I hope you get whatever support you need to get through this awful time.  Please take care of yourself, I've lived through two suicides, my 19 year old nephew and my ex, and the grieving is horrific  I had survivor guilt, which is awful.  I did get some counseling and talked to others who survived a loved one's suicide.  Please take good care, and give yourself all the time you need to recover. God bless you and your children, it sounds like you have a lot of support around you.  Let people do things for you, like babysitting and shopping and laundry. Folks in my town did that for me when I was frozen in place by my husband's death.  You, your children and your extended family are all in my prayers. 

Comment by IBelieveInYou on July 19, 2016 at 6:06pm

Hi Camsmom, You say, "I just feel that they should appreciate each other and realize how petty some issues are that they complain about." I spent last week in a nearby mountain town all by myself. It appeared to be a "couples convention" because everyone had a partner! I have a strong desire to say to each one, "Cherish every single moment because it can be taken from you in a second." Of course I don't. I sit and watch them walk by and force myself to smile and think compassionate thoughts. On another note, I made dinner for the family tonight. My daughter choose a recipe. When I grabbed the meat out of the freezer, I noticed that Tam had put it in there (her writing was on the bag). So in a small way, my beloved wife and I cooked dinner together tonight. 

Comment by camsmom on July 19, 2016 at 5:59pm

daringtoday, I don't feel envious of couples , I just feel that they should appreciate each other and realize how petty some issues are that they complain about. I received a nice compliment from a dear friend of ours- he said that I always gave my husband his freedom to be himself and what a beautiful marriage we had - This is from an always single 59 year old man! 

I give you credit for getting your work done.  I too. as I mentioned before, push myself to get up and dressed 

everyday. My husband and I had a love of music and thank goodness I still find joy in that. I was planning on running errands and got sidelined by a 30th  Bob Dylan Anniversary concert this afternoon. I never used to watch TV in the middle of the day but I ended up watching it and loved it- listening  to it through our stereo speakers that my husband hooked up to the TV.

I don't know your interests but I hope that you find something that brings you a little joy in your life.

It will be 5 months on the 25th that my husband passed away and it still doesn't seem real.

Hugs and good thoughts to you.

Comment by daringtoday on July 19, 2016 at 4:33pm

MissingFehr, I so relate to the feeling envious of couples. I know it isn't fair, that other people deserve happiness, but it is very hard to see. I think you are right -- people have no way of knowing how lucky they are to have a partner or spouse. I am approaching four months on Friday.

I've decided that at this point, most people are not really interested in how I am doing so I am faking it with most in public -- I am tired of explaining or the awkward feeling when no one knows what to say. At this point it is less effort to put up a front. I am also feeling like 85% of the time, I am going through the motions, forcing myself to do whatever it is that I need to do or should do. But it is either that or I want to spend the whole day at home in either starting into space, crying or sleeping. My productivity is really low as is my ability to concentrate. My work is taking two or three times longer to accomplish than it usually does. It is also hard to find anything to look forward to. 

I'm hoping I will feel better after the anniversaries pass the end of this week. Hugs to you too!

Comment by MissingFehr on July 18, 2016 at 9:34am
Dear Camsmom and Hope

I'm with you because the suddenness just kills you. It's so difficult to get up each morning, but I force myself to do so. Finding your identity is a strain too. I did everything with my husband. It's approaching six long lonely months. I find myself a bit envious of the couples that I encounter. I think that they are so lucky. I'm really dreading the major holidays. All we can do is try to be strong and attempt to move on.

Virtual hugs
Comment by Hope on July 18, 2016 at 8:52am

MissingFehr, I understand staring into space. I have done that many times. It comes with this territory I guess. Its been a year and a week and yesterday for the first time in months I felt frozen. I stayed in bed the whole day. I am up today and determined to live but this process sure is not easy. I coached an executive over the phone this morning, am picking up my grandson for lunch and then going to a book club tonight. I have to find a foundation on which to live. There is so much up in the air. I will need to sell the house next year but where to live, what to do...I have no idea. I am just trying to stay calm and take it one day at a time. I find I am not so much mourning my husband now as I am mourning all the secondary losses...particularly who I am now and what I want to do!

Comment by camsmom on July 17, 2016 at 8:14pm

MissingFehr, What you express is what I have felt too. I think it's good that we do get out to the store even if we're in a fog. It's better than staying in bed all of the time. My husband died suddenly so there was complete shock for me too.  I force myself to get dressed everyday and out most days- out for a walk or just out to the patio if i don't want to see friends.

I went to a dear friends mother's funeral and I did OK. It was difficult but I wanted to be there for our friend.

Someone I don't know well asked me what happened to my husband  and I just told her I didn't feel comfortable talking about it. I felt good about saying that to her and she was very respectful of my response.

 

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