Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Suddenly widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. The complementary group is "Long term illness." Yes, you may join both.

We now have a "Suddenly widowed" discussion in the PERENNIAL main forum. Q's? Widville@gmail.com

Members: 1164
Latest Activity: 7 hours ago

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Comment by Hornet (Cindy) 7 hours ago

clovergirl...yep...me too. Thirteen months out and remembering the early days very well (how can I forget them?). It is truly awful...but you will get through it...YOU WILL. All of us have, and you will too.

Let the house go. Don't beat yourself up for forgetting to buy toilet paper (have a box of tissues beside the toilet just in case!) or feed the cat.

No wonder a person is forgetful...it was the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. Ever.

I honestly felt like calling an ambulance...for myself. I was literally sick. I lost 20 pounds...I didn't eat for 7 days straight right after it happened. My heart and mind and soul were critically wounded. It took months for me to get myself together...if you can call it that.

I know you have a lot of paperwork to do, and that is very important, but everything else? Just try to remember to eat something and turn off the stove so the house doesn't burn down...and breathe in and out. That's about it.

You are going to be ok. I'm here if you need to talk.

Take care of yourself, clovergirl.

Comment by nancyde 9 hours ago

Clovergirl--Yes, memory problems are really common.  The first several months I couldn't remember anything.  I forgot to mail my electric bill and didn't even realize it until I got a huge bill the next month.  I watched TV too but only things that required very little thought.  My favorite--Chopped on the Food Network.  And I hate to cook.  On 12 Nov. I will be at 8 months.  My memory is better, but I still veg out in front of Chopped.  Hugs to you.

Comment by gardenlady 14 hours ago
Short note for clovergirl. Big hug first of all. It is 6 months for me and I have been crying as I cleaned in my husband's bedroom putting things in the closet where lots of his clothes are hanging etc. Our daughter and grandsons are staying over tonite. What you are describing sounds so like my first months. I didn't come out of that fog you speak of until about 2 weeks ago. I am still crying unexpectedly over little things but I am noticing my messy, dirty house and caring about something besides watcing tv endlessly to block out my thinking of the new reality. Everyone on here writes of the same things....the pain is real....healing takes a long time....crying is healing. Be gentle with yourself....eat and sleep and do what you must....you will feel differently as the weeks and months go by. I would not have believed this at even 5 months. Write on this site and others will answer and they all are helpful on this awful lonely journey.
Comment by clovergirl 15 hours ago

I am at 9 weeks now. I am so thankful and sorry to find this group. I want to know if anyone else has memory problems. I didn't have memory or sleep problems before he died. I can't believe how forgetful I am. I find things that I thought I mailed but didn't. Misplace things(that's really not that unusual)  I am so overwhelmed by all the red tape, insurance, medical bills, etc. My house is a wreck. I just want to sit in my chair and watch tv when I get home from work. My friends are doing their best to keep me busy, and if it weren't for them and work, I might not even get out of bed somedays. I am going to a cook out tonight with friends, it will be very strange to not have Bill with me, I hope I don't start crying. I won't know anyone but the couple that I am going with so maybe it won't be so bad. I am used to going places alone because he traveled a lot, but most places I went were with friends that knew us and were used to me being alone. I am sorry to be rambling.  

Comment by h20polo yesterday

The good news is I am getting used to be home by myself - the bad news is I'm getting used to being home by myself.  I am so thankful for friends that ask me out during the week - but I wish people would once in a while think that hey - maybe she would like to go out on the weekend like normal people - and like we used to.  Oh well - be thankful that at least  I have friends and family that still think of me and include me in things - after all - I am really getting addicted to Shard Tank on friday nights - and since I am not out having drinks on the weekends I'm not adding extra calories and I don't have to worry about hang overs.  jeeze this really is a sad state of affairs- it will get better - i have faith in that - little by little -as Bruce always said "I have two amazing kids" and had a fantastic marriage - no regrets - I truly am blessed

Comment by Hornet (Cindy) yesterday

mtpcnc, you sound like my sweet husband. I lost him 13 months ago, and though I linger in this indescribable shock-ish like state...most days are better than they were 10 weeks out. When I was 10 weeks, Christmas was coming on me like a steamroller. I survived it, though. My advice to you is to breathe. Cry and breathe. Holding your tears in...if that is even possible...will poison your soul and make your life unbearable. I cannot believe your sweet wife would want you to do that. So, cry and breathe. (And stay away from rude, insensitive people...we ALL know them. You are hurting enough right now. Stay clear of anyone who may inflict more damage.) God bless you, mtpcnc. You are not alone...even though it feels that way...we are all in the same boat.

Comment by h20polo on Wednesday

mtpcnc - so sorry to hear that you are now going through this nightmare - The feelings are those that no one can ever imagine as is the pain.  I remember laying in bed not ever wanting to get up and saying to myself "get out of bed - go take a shower you can't just stay in bed"  i remember everyone coming over and sitting there feeling like I was in a different world watching from the outside.  At 10 weeks i was boarding a plane (on what would have been my 29th wedding anniversary - 33years together) with my daughter to see my son who was just starting college in Australia - he had to leave a week after the funeral.  bruce and I had planned the trip and I was now going without him.  It was a lot of faking and going off and crying when no one was watching.  Then having to come home to an empty house - it sucked - I cried so much - I never knew I could cry so much - Foolishly I would say "I can't wait for one year to get here"  I thought after one year everything would be ok - yeah - not so much - the second year was almost worst than the first (at least for me).  The first year was crying and crying and crying until there were no more tears then trying to go on then crying some more. The second year I realized I was in a trance the first year just getting by - the second year reality set in that this is for reals - bruce isn't coming back - the reality of never having the love and comfort I felt just being with him ever again and the fact that i may be by myself for the rest of my life - which at 50 seems so terrible - I would rather die - but i had to force myself to keep going on - I have two children that need me so much - we were such a close family and them loosing their dad was devastating - he was our rock - voice of reason our everything our life.  SO  every day I tell myself I can do this - I force my self to try and be proactive about being happy again.  I continue to workout every day (even though even that is hard because we worked out together).  I find working out and being active really helps.  I have rambled on and probably not much help - but the bottom line is THIS SUCKS like no other - let yourself feel the pain - that pain is the love you had - have for your wife - let it out and cry and cry until you can't cry any more - then sit up and say 'I can do this"  then do it all over again.  A lot of self talk - I try not to think of the future - focus on each day - slowly - little by little the tears will be a little further apart.  It has been two 1/2 years for me and I still break down - how can I not - I am still without the love of my life.  But I continue to focus on being happy and being a better person - giving back..  I have said this before - Never quit trying - let yourself feel the pain but always free yourself to get back up - two steps forward one step back is still one step forward - slowly we will get there.

Comment by Dave55 on Wednesday
Hugs mtpcnc,
I am also a widower who will be 3 months tomorrow, like you my wife battled cancer for 8 years. Yeah the new normal sucks. I still cry at what feels like random times, especially at night. Hard to eat right, hard to sleep.
There, sadly, is no timeline. Other widowed men who are over 3 years out still experience sadness and grief, but they say it's less intense day to day. I expect I will never forget or not remember with sadness. But that's ok.
Best advice to me is to be gentle to myself, don't try to suppress the sadness or crying, it's part of healing. I also returned to work, still take Wednesday off for all the stuff that needs to be done, and also try to go the the gym as much as possible, it helps. Reach out as much as you possibly can, friends, family, grief groups, here, not everything will connect but anything that does helps.
I was so immersed in being a caregiver for the 8 years that my social skills and just friends was non existent. When your ready try to extend that. Not dating, just friends to lean on a bit, to be able to talk. We need that.
Also, and I'll shut up ;) you'll need to find out who you are now. Sadly the 'we' you were with your wife is gone, and the 'I' you will become needs to be found. What do you enjoy doing? It may be different from what you enjoyed as a 'we'.
Comment by mtpcnc on Wednesday
Hi - I'm widower 10 weeks out from the sad passing of wife. She battled cancer for 7.8 years and decided to go to hospice. She was a strong women of faith and was ready to go meet her maker. Now I am here trying to continue living in this "new normal" role of single widower. The intense emotional pain is uncommon to me --because over the years I would be the tough guy and suppress my emotions. Now the tears flow in heaping sobs like buckets of rain pouring the grief out of my soul. How long does the intensity of these emotional breakdowns continue? I miss my dear wife terribly but I don't want to be an emotional basket case for much longer if possible. Any helpful suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks
Comment by Diane on October 18, 2014 at 1:03pm

h2opolo...what a fantastic post, thank you for sharing it.  I don't think people understand how much courage it takes to do this and keep trying.  But that does make me think how much courage it must take to do a whole lot of things I have never experienced before.  Anyhow you are a very courageous lady and I sincerely congratulate you on taking steps to develop a new life in spite of the fear and sadness and loneliness that accompanies such a huge losses we have had.  

 

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