This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."


Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1495
Latest Activity: 5 hours ago

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Comment by Nance63 5 hours ago

Sandfly, I read your posts of the very sudden and upsetting death of your husband so far away from you and my heart breaks for how afflicted you are by it.  My husband died on June 2, and I am finding that the waves of grief and mourning are so unpredictable and recurrent. And, it seems to me that, now after over four months, there is an aspect that I think is getting harder at first... 

I don't subscribe to the fixed "stages" of grief. I've read (quite a bit in the last few months) about grief and mourning and loss and some of the pieces and books that explain that those stages were not meant to be thought of as fixed make more sense to me.  I find that there are waves precisely like those at the ocean. Some are huge and crashing, some are gentle, but they continue unceasingly... You MAY be able to see one coming but other times it wells up out of nowhere... But know that as the waves do recede, some will the harsh despair and new lows. Take each day separately. If you have hit a new low, try to allow yourself that day to mourn anew without thinking that all is lost. You may feel differently tomorrow, or several days from now.

Comment by Nieta 8 hours ago

I hope that I did not come across as ungrateful or dismissive about the massage advice.  The intent was very caring and appreciated and I am very thankful for that.

Comment by Nieta 8 hours ago

Thank you SweetMelissa2007.  And, of course, you're right.

I've had massages in the past and even shared one with my husband on our last vacation together, but those were definitely more gentle.  I know that there are different kinds of massages such as Swedish, which are more gentle, acupressure and deep tissue, which is what I suspect I got. I'm hoping to try the hot stone one sometime soon.

Ultimately, the resulting bruises were my own fault because I should have spoken up, as should anyone, when something feels either uncomfortable or painful.  However, during that particular time I was simply numb and nothing compared to the emotional pain I was experiencing. 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 9 hours ago


A massage is like any service you purchase, sometimes the result is not what one expects. It also depends on the type of massage  (there are different types) as well as male vs female masseuse. I also received acupuncture immediately followed by gentle massage. Never any bruising. I had a monthly standing appt due to the immense stress I was constantly under w/suicidal kids, monthly court date, etc. And I would also get a quickie massage at Whole Foods after grocery shopping. In addition, I used Bach's flower essence stress relief. Just shop around, study up & I'm sure you'll be able to find what helps.

Comment by Nieta 9 hours ago

Dear SweetMelissa2007,

I saw the word "massage" in your post and it reminded me of a massage I got in my neighborhood shortly after my husband crossed over.  The masseuse asked if she was hurting me because she saw tears streaming from my eyes, but I explained it was because I had recently and unexpectedly lost my husband.  She said that it was evident in my body that I was very stressed.  After a full hour, she asked me if I wanted her to keep going and I replied, "yes."  The massage went on for 2 hours and she did not charge me very much at all.

The following morning, I looked at myself in the mirror when I got out of the shower and realized that I had bruises from the massage.  Either I didn't feel how hard she was working on me or, I simply did not care.  In any case, I did feel a bit of relief when the massage was over and I was thankful/grateful for that.

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 10 hours ago


You are so very early out, desperation, stress & widow brain can make it difficult to see present signs & afterlife communications - makes it seem hopeless. A spiritual relationship can be developed w/the help of books on the subject as well as releasing/crying it out. For myself, the more grief I released during massage the calmer my mind, body & soul became to recognize signs as well as understand them. It's takes time to purge these sudden emotions -be gentle w/youself.

Comment by Waiting widow 10 hours ago
Sandfly, I am sorry you are feeling such a new low. I am not sure how I feel about an afterlife/communication but I do know the sadness of giving up on what you believed in. I hope you can find some comfort again. I long to feel like my husband is still trying to communicate with me. But so far I have not had any signs, some people talk about "coincidences" but none for me. some people have shared about dreams but mine have only been horrifying. Just makes me sad all over again
Comment by Nieta 10 hours ago

Dearest Sandfly,,

Do not despair.  Pain and sadness over the loss of someone you love is not a delusion but evidence of the love you share.  You may or may not have noticed that I do not use the past tense and that is very deliberate.  While none of us can escape the reality that our bodies will eventually fail us, the spark and energy within each one of us - that has connected with and awakened love in another - continues to live. 

My husband died of a sudden heart attack more than 2 1/2 years ago and faith in that love is what I hang on to. I would be lying if I said that I still don't feel sadness and that I have never felt despair.  It is a physical as well as an emotional pain that we feel when someone we love so much is no longer physically around to share our life with.  I have felt as if I had been punched in the heart and at times as if it was squeezed so hard that I could scarcely breathe. The emotion that can cause those physical manifestations is not a delusion - it is the reality of the love we continue to share and it is everlasting.

Wishing you peace of mind, strength and courage as you travel your journey.  I hope that you will accept a virtual hug from this fellow widow.

Comment by Sandfly 16 hours ago

hello eveyone, i have reached a new low.I think  I am just kidding myself about afterlife and communication, i give up . there i just nothing left apart from my delusional thoughts of a connection in the future. not doing to well tonight reality has just punched me in the face.

Comment by Nance63 20 hours ago

Nieta, I also have that book. I keep it in my car to have to read a quick bit when I am stuck waiting for a few.  They are moving stories. I most definitely believe.  I have enjoyed reading about the experiences shared here... they are touching and comforting.


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