Suddenly widowed

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Comment by Houston92 3 hours ago

AKwidow2013 - thank you for sharing.  I am a year out (last week was the one year mark and it was a horrible week), but I am starting to get back on my feet again.  I like what you wrote about allowing this new life to happen, being present and remaining open even though you miss him.  That is what I am trying to do day in and day out, and it is easier on some days than others, but that is the goal.  I am trying to grieve AND embrace life.  Such a difficult balancing act, but it is the only way out of this.  LIke you, I want to get to that place of contentment and happiness.  I feel it now and then, but I also have intense periods of sadness mixed in.  I've found that if I'm feeling peace and contentment, I feel my husband's presence more than when I'm really grieving and this encourages me to try and embrace those moments of peace and happiness because I know I will feel him.  

Comment by lillymarlene 4 hours ago

I sure can relate to these recent posts. It's just so damn lonely. There is really no one to talk things over with. A good friend calls me all the time, but then of course I don't want to "bother" her too much. Then there is his family. I don't even like to say I miss him (to them) because they are constantly saying things like I should just understand that at least he's not suffering anymore. Nobody wants to hear the truth, especially how sometimes I feel I've been left in the lurch, at 60 years old with nothing, to start over and fend for myself.

Comment by AKwidow2013 5 hours ago

This is my angry dance song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5_eWPCB4p4

DOA By Foo Fighters

Comment by AKwidow2013 6 hours ago

I miss him so much.  That missing just feels like love for him.  I close my eyes and I feel our presence together.  I do not believe there is any true separation in the spiritual sense.  Yes, I must forge this new life without him and so must my son.  But I won't allow grief to consume my life in a way that feels negative for me. When I miss him, I just send that love to him and I KNOW he feels it.  That gives me comfort.  I also accept that it was his time even if it wasn't on MY time.  I don't like it AT ALL but I have a deep faith in a Divine Wisdom.  If I fight it I might lose what the purpose of this horrible loss was for!  I don't want to miss it because I am already missing HIM.  I want to be present in my life and be open to what it is to be and become.  I fall into the arms of Divine Wisdom and I try to focus on being patient, with myself and with the process.  One day I will be looking back from a place of happiness and contentment and I will see more clearly than I do now.  Just as I always have done when bad things happened in my life.  This new life will be what I allow - and the Universe wants me to be happy, have love and feel fulfilled.  Just because it didn't go the way I thought it should, doesn't mean those things can't still be mine, in a new way.  So, I honor my grief, I honor my new journey, I honor the adventure that is this life fraught with peril and rewards.  No one is getting out of this alive.  <3

Comment by Gigi 8 hours ago

I just joined this group and from reading some of the recent posts i can agree with what many of you are saying and especially fellinglonely. For some reason, since my husband passed away in January, my only daughter has distanced herself from me. Don was her stepfather and she was staying with him when he died as I was on vacation. What makes it so hard is that she lives around the corner from me but no longer calls or comes by. That is an additional loss I have to grieve. I try to keep myself busy with friends, but today I am so fatigued and fighting the blues. I know it is because I went off my healthy diet the past few days and indulged in gluten and sugar. Sugar is my drug of choice and I had been off it for many months - need to get back on the wagon!

Comment by suebru (Sue) 10 hours ago

@ kathspec, You are so, so early on. Be kind to yourself and yes, it does get easier. I went from one second at a time, to one minute at a time to 1 hour at a time. I am almost at 14 months and I can say, it is better.  Time may not heal all of our pain, but it's what we DO with that time that allows us to heal. Each of us on this journey will grieve in different ways and we must dig deep inside to find our way to  do this thing called "grief".... our way. I have found prayer (I'm trusting God on this one), exercise, staying busy, talking/meeting with true friends, reading, attending a grief support group, to be so very helpful. You will NOT be miserable the rest of your life. You are grieving and grief is hard work! Be kind to yourself and know that you are NOT alone. Hugs, Sue :-)

Comment by Joellen 14 hours ago

feelinglonely first sorry you have to go to the dentist yourself. I know the feeling. I was sick over Christmas and to have to get your own toast and tea really sucked there was no one to hold me; cover me when I had the chills, being alone really stinks. besides handling this grief thing I am handling being alone for the first time in my entire life. I was married at 19 and went right from my parents house to life with Phil so this is a double whammy and I hate it.. I agree I think your cousin related to what you are going through what she could have gone through or what lays ahead for her... so it is better for her to distance herself from you.  yes it sucks and when it happens to her she will expect you to rally around her.. cause of course YOU understand!!! why oh why did this have to happen to us. I find myself asking that question more and more lately.  I am so tired of being fake... in fact some days it is almost impossible to carry it off. but  I do.   all those well meaning people who mouthed the words " we will always be here for you" "we wil go out to lunch" etc.. 14 months and not a call, not a card, not an invite to anywhere..  so I am adrift at sea alone and I feel like I have a small leak in the bottom of my boat and I am slowly sinking..  every so often I pull out enough water to keep afloat but it is getting harder... I am surviving but living.........no way.....  Good Luck at the dentist.. I will think of you today

Comment by feelinglonely 14 hours ago

Joellen----FAKE--that should be my first, middle and last name. People don't want to hear how you really feel--and you are so right---they are so beyond greatful it is not them. I have a cousin who I used to be so close to--her husband had colon cancer back in 2008--he was really, really sick, but, my some miracle the surgery and everything that went with it was a success--she almost lost him but didnt. The whole family was ecstatic. From the time my husband was buried, something changed in our relationship---I can count the times she has called me in the almost three years since my husband died. I think I have it pinpointed as to why----I think it just came to close to reality for her---it could have been her and it scares the crap out of her. At least that is what I think.
This lonliness is horrible. Doing things alone is horrible. I hate being a third wheel.
Today, I have to go to the dentist as I have been having a real problem with a molar---anyway, I am crying now because I have to go without my support system---years back, I had to have two pulled and my hubby was my rock--I miss that--I want my rock back. I want someone to take care of me again--when I am scared. This is survival--this is nothing but an empty, lonely way to exist.

Comment by kathspec 14 hours ago

Hi,

I can relate. It has only been 12 weeks for me. But since I was young I always life goes on for everyone but the person or people who are left behind. I had the love of my life for almost 15 years. Scott wasn't perfect but he made me happy and he made me feel beautiful. He was only 55 . we were not married. we had our future planned. But that is not to be. My heart is broken and I cry all the time. But I can't live this way for 30 or how ever many years I have left. i know i will never be the same. But please someone tell me I will not stay this miserable. i can not bear this pain for the rest of my life. Peace

Comment by Joellen 15 hours ago

feelinglonely I sure can relate. I have been traveling this horrid journey for 14 months and all I have learned is how to be "FAKE" people really do not care how the hell you are they are just greatful it is not them.  I am not living how can I live when  my life was with Phil and he is gone. I feel I just survive. I am not happy how can any one expect you to be happy when your whole world has been shattered and taken away from you. Yes we have children and family and friends but we can not sleep wtih them; they can not hold us; share our inner most secrets; look in our eyes and know just what we are thinking and feeling. our lives go on yes but like I said while we have children, grandchildren, other family and friends; our days are empty and lonely.. things just do not hold the same joy and feeling and enjoyment as they did before we started this journey...  I am surviving but there are days I wonder why..  soft days for us all.

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