Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Suddenly widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. The complementary group is "Long term illness." Yes, you may join both.

We now have a "Suddenly widowed" discussion in the PERENNIAL main forum. Q's? Widville@gmail.com

Members: 1234
Latest Activity: 9 hours ago

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Comment by Lady v 9 hours ago

WefW - you speak truth. Everything you say resonates for me.  I can perform and look good in the world and inside I am broken, still in shock after 11 months and the traumatic sudden death of my beloved husband. Each morning, I ask myself how can he who was so full of life and love be gone?  Each morning I get up , get dressed up, go to work, look normal, act normal.  No one sees the broken heart\\

Be kind to yourself. today we survive. One day we will live again

Comment by lorip 20 hours ago

CfromBC

I went back to work 5 months after Mike died. I remember the first night I came home and the house was dark and there was no dinner and it was the worst! He used to be the dinner maker and I walked the dog and I did the dishes. Now it is so quiet and the warmth is gone. Now I get healthy take out from the organic grocery store and talk on the phone with girl friends while I eat - it's not even close to the same but at least I can chat about my day.

I must also add - thank goddness for my single girlfriends. They are much easier to hang with now than our married friends

Comment by Mel5BradyO 20 hours ago

It has been a crazy week. So crazy that I did not realized that the 6 month anniversary of my husband passing was this week. I felt so guilty. How could I forget something like that? Yes, I've been getting out and about and doing things and even started hanging out with a guy friend. But this was my husband who I loved dearly and I forgot him? Now, since the realization, I'm all out of sorts and in the worst mood. I want to scream and yell and want things back to normal and I want to be happy again! Maybe I'm just tired. The weather here is freaky. Went almost a week without power or water. Maybe I just need spring to make an appearance.

Comment by CfromBC 21 hours ago

I have not even considered another relationship I have so much to cope with and I am suddenly in a situtation I do not want to be. I started back at work this week, after 7 months. I was in the office, wrapping up emails etc, at the end of the day and suddenly thought what I would share with John when I got home. It came to me like lightening bolt- that he is not here and I cannot have those daily conversations any more. It is the daily routine and what I used to do verus what I now can't do. What is did say verus wass I wish I had said.

We all just need to remember that ...
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it..." Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Comment by WefW 23 hours ago

lorip,

I couldn't agree with you more!  Unfortunately, agreeing and telling ourselves that we are doing all we can for ourselves doesn't change our "feeling" that it is wrong or somehow "dramatic".

I look at pictures of my wonderful husband and am confused because I still feel that he just can't "gone"  then other times I cry because my life was so good with him beside me that I cry from the overwhelming "loss".  I want my new normal to move to the place when I can look at his pictures and just smile and remember all that we had and be grateful for time we shared.

I think we, you and I along with everyone else on this site deserve all the time and compassion we care to take - most of us lost our best friend, constant companion, mentor, spouse and parenting partner - to lose all that and survive is a feat!  that kind of "broken" takes time to heal so why feel guilty for a lengthy recovery...yet, we do???  Crazy!

Comment by lorip yesterday

WefW - I wonder what would happen if we all decided to just say - "yes" what I am doing is normal and fine. In other words - started treating ourselves with compassion. Maybe part of it is the wording. When I've had a cry-a-thon, I say "I've had a bad night" Maybe I should say "I've had a grief night"?

Maybe your acceptance isn't broken but mending or just is what it is. Maybe crying when you look at his picture is your Now Normal?

Comment by WefW yesterday

Lorip,

I feel almost embarrassed to admit that I have often wondered if I were grieving properly - it feels funny to even type that!  I will be in my car and start to cry for no reason and catch myself and wonder if there is something more wrong with me than just grief - it has been 15 months since I lost my husband and I am simply unable to even talk about him without crying - I am still unable to read because I can't concentrate enough to retain the information from one sentence to the next.  I look at his pictures and still have a hard time believing that he is gone...still.  

at the same time I work, I laugh with friends and family and enjoy my new grandbaby - my life is moving forward, but when I stop to realize that it is moving forward without Wayne, I start to cry again.  I think my acceptance is "broken".

Dave55 - I admire that you finding love from another - we are all built to share our lives.  I am 57 and can't even imagine living without a loving relationship...but, after 15 months I don't even feel unmarried yet.  I want to move past my devotion to a marriage that is supposed to be over but I just don't know how.   

Comment by Dave55 yesterday

Hugs lorip and all,

Yes I often wonder at how different I seem in that regard.  The tears seem to have dried, I remember Sue every day and wish she was still with me, but accept my life has moved forward.  Still much to do over this year (I just hit the 7 month mark) downsizing and eventually selling the house.  But wondering why I don't still feel the agony I did last fall, did I push forward and embrace the pain sufficiently?  And my heart has opened to to this new very different life and adding the love from another that appeared out of nowhere.

Everyone's journey is different, I hang onto that now.

Comment by lorip yesterday

Hi All,

I ran across this quote by Stephen Levine in his book Unattended Sorrow:

"During our years of working with people confronting losses . . . my wife and I were often moved by how many asked if they were grieving "correctly."

How merciless we can be with ourselves."

I was and am a bit stunned by this quote. I find myself reading it over and over again. I continually ask this question of myself, to my grief therapist and to my friends. "Is it normal to get in the car and get on the freeway so I can find a place to scream? Is it normal to start crying once a week and unable to stop for 4 -8 hours? Is it normal to occasionally feel completely normal - like I am totally over it all?"

This group has really helped me to define a new normal. And that quote clarifies how hard I am on myself right now. This is really, really tough work - the grieving thing.

Comment by Just.me on Monday

Thank you everyone for your advice, comments and for sharing parts of yourself that are so precious. This group is really wonderful. It seems I can relate to something from all of your comments. I feel better today and have a more positive outlook. Don't know how long it will last, but I'm grateful for it and for you!

 

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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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