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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1599
Latest Activity: on Tuesday

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Comment by Frank on Sunday

Hi Boxer Mom,

Thank you for your kind words and comments.  My grandparents had two boxers... Suzi and Zipper.  They were in the army and the two dogs ruled every base they were stationed at.  Suzi would start the fights and when she tired Zipper would step in and finish it.  Susan and I raised German Shepherds and we sold the pups to the various police departments in the Tidewater area of Virginia.  When we moved to Denver our job (we worked as a team) came with a two bedroom apt and dogs would not fit into our schedule.  We got a pair of 6 month old female kittens, and have been entertained since.   

Take Care & ((((HUGS))))

Frank

Comment by Frank on Sunday

Hi IBelieve in YOu

I'll not be going anywhere over the holidays so you are welcome to drop by any time

Unless I need something at the grocery store, or have to go to the bank for the HOA, I don't

normally drive into Fairplay.  If there is a break in the weather and want to drive up here, I'd love

to visit with you in Fairplay. I don't know what the schedule will be for the Brown Burro, but you

can always drop by my home (as long as your are not allergic to cats).

Frank

Comment by IBelieveInYou on Saturday

Frank, thank you for that post. So well put. One of these days I will get up your way again. Maybe over the winter break for me? Will you be in Fairplay the week after Christmas?

Comment by Boxer Mom on Saturday

Frank-It's been 3 1/2 years since I lost my best friend and husband. Your post expresses much of how I feel and have felt. I loved/love my husband so deeply and many times we would say "I love you for eternity" that honoring our marriage and honoring my husband is exactly the description that is befitting how I feel. I had some tell me- within the first month or so- that time will heal and I will find someone else!! What???  All I can say is that I was Very Blessed to have found and married my soul mate, the love of my life and unfortunately many, many people never experience that kind of love. 

I too have some friends and surprisingly his side of the family that I rarely or never hear from. I understand that they may not know what to say and have their own pain and grief so I tend to be the one that tries to keep in touch.....communicating is a way to work through all life's challenges. 

I chose, after 3 years, to sell our home (too big for just me) and move near my siblings. Unfortunately the month before my move I also lost our beautiful boxer dog-our boy of just under 13 years-I sent him, with bunches and bunches of my love and kisses, to be with his daddy. The loss of anyone that is a big part of our lives is painful....

I wish all of us the ability to find our way, some peace in our souls with acceptance and finding bits of joy here and there on this new path we are on.

Comment by Frank on Saturday

When Susan passed (in 9 days it will have been 5 years) we had been married for 35 years. Her passing was sudden.  She went to sleep on a Sunday night and did not wake up Monday morning.  My world imploded and I had trouble making decisions, I suddenly became insecure, and was adrift in a fog of pain, agony, denial, and disbelief.   I knew a man who had lost his wife and in a month was dating.  I could not believe it.  That seemed a terrible way to honor one's wife and marriage.  Susan and I had talked over the years and we each agreed that should one of us pass before the other, that we should grieve and then get on with our lives.  Now that it has occurred, I find it is easier said than done.  Too soon, and I feel I would be dishonoring her memory and our marriage.  I think, it is simply a matter of "You will know when/if it is time."  We have to go through our grief, come to grips with all that entails, and then decide.  Some of us will never have another relationship and others will.  

We all are in such pain that folks around us want to help.  Most of them are genuinely concerned and want to help (fix) our pain/problem.  In their concern, they say the darndest things.  I actually had a friend tell me that he knew exactly how I felt because "He'd had to put his dog down  last week."  I was stunned, even shocked and told him that my wife had just died, not my dog. To which he said "Yah, but I loved my dog too."  Comparing the loss of a wife to the loss of a dog? I shook my head and walked away.   To some folks our pain is so frightening that they back away from us.  They simply have no idea how to help us.  To some folks they see in our grief and pain what could be their future, and they shrink away from us in fear.  

To many of us, eventually, we reach the point where loneliness sets in.  We long for a hug, a walk holding hands, dinner together, cuddling, maybe a kiss?  Susan and I met on a blind date and over time became best friends.  It was not until I received orders to transfer from Jacksonville FL to Norfolk VA that I realized that my 'Best friend" and turned into love and that I did not want to leave her.  I asked, and she said yes.   Where I am now, I look for someone to talk to, walk with, dine with, sit out on the deck with, someone to hug, and maybe become best friends.  Maybe it goes further, maybe not.  

You will know when it is time.

HUGS

Frank

Comment by IBelieveInYou on December 8, 2017 at 4:19am

Lirvie, I totally get what you are saying. No, there is no excuse for what your drunk friend said. One of the greatest (as in large and awful) is that I have to let stupid comments roll off my back. It is good that you are at WV. We all totally get what you are saying. Hang in there. Ignore the shit heads.

Comment by InsideLove on December 8, 2017 at 4:18am

Lirvie, in just 3 short months since losing my husband of 47 years, I've only heard a a handful of such insensitivity. Nothing like what this drunken friend said. Hope to not hear it either. In some ways I am getting stronger and being able to tell people to STFU might me my next step if anything like that comes up.

And you're strong! How terrific you asked someone on a date! I'm 68 - hoping to make you smile with this little anecdote. At my mom's funeral (I lost her 2 weeks after my husband) I was talking with 2 of my aunts expressing their condolences about Marty. I asked them, "Did you ever consider dating after Uncles died?" They both shook their heads, no. Then one of them said to me, "But Patricia, we were in are 80s when they passed away. YOU are so young you could." LOL.

My grief counselor remarried 5 years after she lost her, husband of also 47 years.

Why would some not want to make new memories with decades ahead of us? Keep the old memories, and make new ones.

I think we are are to find our way through the season we find ourselves in so that we can still find joy and happiness. 

Love and {{{hugs}}} Lirvie.

Comment by Lirvie on December 8, 2017 at 12:49am

Hello!  I’m sitting here on my bed at 4:39am on the WV site.  Everything’s just peachy.  Who do I think I’m kidding.  I’m miserable.  More than still dealing with the loss of my husband 4 years ago, I had a really good friend drunkenly tell me, in public mind you, that it’s time I “just get over it”.  I’m appalled at the notion that you can set time limits on someone’s grief.  What it did was set time limits on that particular friendship.  And whose definition of over it are we using?  I’ll have you know that I took it upon myself to ask a young man out on a date the other night, I mean, I haven’t heard back from him, but I am living my life as it comes to me.  But I am here to ask you your thoughts on the matter?  I’ve had another acquaintance defend my friends side.  So, am I just supposed to hermit now because I lovingly recall beautiful memories and the other parties around me get uncomfortable?  

Just a little something else too.  If anyone is on instagram, there’s an account I started following.  A young woman lost her husband this year tragically and suddenly.  She posts every single day in beautiful real pain. In real time. Everything I still think and can relate to.  If you are on instagram, follow her @anjalipinto.

ok thanks bye 

Comment by ImTheMarigold on December 1, 2017 at 4:16am

LadyLipstick, I just passed the one year mark on Nov 15. I found that having some kind of structure helped. I went and stayed with a friend the night before through into the morning after, so I wasn't home alone. And she knew both of us and knew us together, which was comforting. She took the day off work and we spent the day together. We didn't have a big plan and we didn't force anything but we did try to stay busy, did things that we enjoyed and things Mark would have enjoyed. Yes, I cried. We talked and I cried several times. It wasn't about avoiding the day or the emotions, but not being drowned by them. It worked for me, and I am really grateful for my friend who could do that for me. 

Comment by Sasa on November 30, 2017 at 11:46pm
Gee Frank. You often tease me about using “them big words” and here you are being so eloquent and profound. Hugs to you!
 

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