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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1456
Latest Activity: 16 hours ago

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Comment by happylilycat 16 hours ago

Soccermom and Hope, and everyone else, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I did spend some time with close friends of ours earlier this weekend, and I did tell them how guilty I feel about M.'s death.  They knew M. well and loved him almost as dearly as I do.  They were very helpful. They listened.  So do all of you, and I'm grateful for that.  They also told me that I can't do anything wrong right now, and if I choose not to be around people who want to talk to me about how they remember M., etc., etc., then that's OK, too.  I am trying to let him go, as horribly painful as that is, and being around folks who want to talk about M. is just too much right now.   He grew up in this area (I did not), and he knew and helped many people.  Some of them seem to need me to comfort them, and that's just not going to happen. I need to save all my energy just to keep myself moving forward every day. I haven't spent one day lying in bed, even though I've wanted to, badly.  So I guess I'm doing better than I thought I would. 

M.s family is having a big wedding this weekend, but I didn't go. There will most likely be a lot of drinking, and foolishness, and that's not my scene.  That was another healthy choice I made for myself. 

I guess I do believe in some kind of greater intelligence, or spirit, or whatever, that creates order in the Universe. I just haven't spoken to that consciousness since M. died. I'm  too angry at the Universe for taking the love of my life away from me.  If there is a heaven, it better have a complaint department!  I say that to my Mom sometimes, when she's crying about losing my Dad, just to make her laugh.  Most of the time she does laugh, and we both feel better in that moment.  Maybe feeling better just a few minutes at a time is how this grief thing works for me. 

I tried a new home for our black lab puppy last night. They were supposed to keep him for 2 days, and they brought him back last night after 4 hours. The man we bought him from did agree to take him back after I talked to him, which is a big relief. I know he'll find Frankie a good home where he can be happy. He's such a good boy, I will miss him terribly, but he needs more than I can give, and physically I just cannot handle him. My M. was a big man, and together we were doing a good job of raising Frankie. But that's gone now.  So, as M. always said, "keep moving forward, remember your training and cover your [expletive deleted]."

News flash: life's not fair.  But every single one of us here knows that. 

Comment by Hope yesterday

Here is another what if...its an alternative what if that brings me a little peace. What if I am looking at his death from the vantage point of this small me in this vast universe? What if beyond my brain's ability to comprehend there is a lot bigger picture? What if what people call a soul is the real us and what if my husband is now living in another consciousness in a far bigger reality than I can conceive of? What if his going was the way for him to know deeper knowledge? What if while I can't see him he is as near as my own breath? This is the what if I am finding brings me a little solace. I struggle every day to go on but perhaps in the end it was all worth it.

Comment by Soccermom on Friday

Terry, Lallen and Happylilycat - Thank you for sharing your "what if" stories.  I am trying to not think of all the things I should have done, and should have said, but I still battle with the What Ifs on a regular basis.  On the other hand, I also have some What If situations where my hubby would have died if I hadn't done certain things.  So I'm trying to be kinder to myself instead of kicking myself.  It's 4 months out and all that original adrenaline is gone, and I notice I'm much more introspective... which is not a good thing for widow/widowers!!  Hoping for some sort of "fun" this Memorial Day weekend, however that presents itself :)

Comment by Terry on Friday

Lallen...reading your post really caught my attention due to some similarities in our experience.  My wife should also have succumbed on several occasions but managed to prove everyone wrong each time.  The first one occurred a year into our marriage when she was found to have an aneurysm on her main aorta.  They told her it is normally discovered on the autopsy table.  She came through that but had some other close calls.  Even 3 days before she died, she went into cardiac arrest as I was bringing her into the house from her latest hospital stay.  By the time the paramedics got here she had been unresponsive for 8 minutes.  My adult son was with her while I was flagging down the ambulance and did not realize she was not breathing.  They were about to pronounce her when a student paramedic detected a faint pulse in her neck.  They got her to the hospital where she was with us for another 3 days which should not have happened due to her declining condition.  We were lucky to have that 3 days.  The night before she passed, I told her I was leaving because I needed to get some sleep and to pick up a gift that some of my co-workers had for her.  She asked me if I could stay.  I told her no as the gift had to be picked up before my workplace closed for the night.  I got a call the next morning that she was unresponsive and I should come.  I missed being with her as she passed by less than  minutes.  I so know what those regrets are like.  Had I known, I would have spent that entire night at her bedside.  I have come to realize though over the past almost 15 months that I did the best I could at the time.  It wasn't like I was leaving to go party.  I was exhausted and I just wanted her to have the gift the next morning when I went to see her.  Ultimately, the body can only take so much.  Maybe your wife was ready but did not want you to be there when she passed.  I have also come to believe that if it wasn't my wife's time to go when she did, she would not have died then.  Sometimes we just have to give up the control and allow things to take their course.  Try and be easy on yourself.  You were there for all of those other times she battled through.  You had to take care of yourself too! 

Comment by Lallen on Friday

happylilycat - I still deal with that question pretty regularly. We both had our own health problems and had been for quite some time. She had been having an increasingly hard time sleeping because the pain would get so bad it would keep her awake. She had been given all kinds of meds to try and help her but no matter what it was it would only last o long before the pain was back again. The week before she left me she literally developed insomnia from it being so bad and as each day passed she got worse. That Thursday she scared me so bad because she kept nodding off sitting up and fell landing on her face a few times. I took the house phone back in the bedroom and called 911 but when they came she refused to go, telling them she was fine and if she thought she needed to go she would. Our children along with myself begged her to go and she kept saying she would but she didn't want to yet. Well it was Easter weekend so the kids went to stay at their older sister's house. Saturday night I sat up with her for as long as I could but I got so tired, from having stayed awake as much as I could all week to keep an eye on her, that I finally told her I had to go lay down. I asked her, more than once, if she would be alright while I got some sleep and she said she would be fine. The last thing I did was give her a kiss and say I love you and I'll see you in the morning. It was 8:15 in the morning when I got up and found her next to the dining table. I couldn't, and still can't, help but thinking if I had just made myself stay up longer by making some coffee or something. I mean maybe if I had been up I would have been able to call for an ambulance and she'd still be here. I mean that woman had made it through so many things the doctors said she shouldn't have. They said she would never walk again- she proved them wrong. They told her at one point she wouldn't be able to take care of herself little alone a family- She really proved them wrong. She was given an antibiotic they found out she was allergic to and put her in a coma for a week and she woke up and recovered. I had come to believe she was going to outlive me which makes it that much harder not to think if I had been up I could have done something. It's a BIG what if to me.

Comment by Nieta on Thursday

Good luck with everything tomorrow, SilverAnniversary.  I am so glad your aunt will be there with you for company and support during this stressful meeting.

With respect to the question about how you and your children are coping with what happened, you gave an excellent answer.


Comment by SilverAnniversary on Thursday

Tomorrow I meet with Dan from the Ministry of Labour to tell me what charges will be laid against Detour Gold.

I have an Aunt who will be there with me so I won't be alone.  

I also received a call from my court liaison who will be gone for six months so in her absence I will be dealing with somebody else.

She did say that no matter what I am grieving the right way. Which was nice. 

She also asked a couple of questions I was never asked before. How was I coping with what happened and how were the kids coping?

I didn't know how to answer so I just said we are just doing the best we can.  What else can you say?

With any luck this time next year the new house will be built and we will have finished with at least one of the court cases. And maybe, just maybe I will start caring about people and learning to trust again. Or even have faith things will be okay.

Comment by Mary H on Thursday

I've dropped out of automatic email.  This site has been wonderful for me, but lately I have found myself more and more out of step, and it occurred to me that might be an indication that I am healing.  So I've decided to transition to just dropping in when I feel the need.  I wanted to let you know that I care about you all, that you have been incredibly helpful, and that I hope you can all come to some point of peace in the future.

Comment by cfitz on Tuesday

In Atlanta, the weather is practically perfect, but that hasn't helped my mood.  They often say in healthcare that you have to be your own advocate, but that sucks for those of us that don't know what the hell we're doing.  I tried to get Fitz to go to the doctor before his death, but he didn't want to go, and I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that he was afraid of what it might cost us since he had already been hospitalized once.  I feel, though, that if I had asked more questions while he was hospitalized, he might not have died.  He had been hospitalized for pancreatitis in Feb, but he actually died of a perforated ulcer in Mar.

Sometimes the guilt from the what-if's is almost enough to eat you up completely, but we are only human.  Ultimately, I am sure that we all did what we could at the time, and I hope that our spouses know that too. 

Comment by happylilycat on Tuesday

I did see the same little gray hummingbird around my garlic chives again today. It must be a juvenile, it's so tiny.  They are a thing of beauty. 


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