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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1440
Latest Activity: yesterday

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Comment by IBelieveInYou yesterday

Cfitz - very helpful words tonight. Thanks.

Comment by cfitz yesterday

Kris, Soccermom, I certainly have my regrets about how I spent the last couple of months with Fitz.  I'm a little over 5 weeks in, and sometimes the guilt/regrets wash over me in horrific waves to the point where I quite literally find it difficult to breathe.  Fitz had been having stomach problems for a few months, he would get constipated every so often & have tightness and discomfort.  He would take laxatives & feel better in a day or two, so he didn't really think much of it.  During that time, though, I can't help but think that he was feeling worse than he was letting on.  He pretty much quit doing anything around the house, I work full time, and I was doing everything - cooking, cleaning, finances, even yard work.  I was getting so frustrated and impatient with him because from my perspective, he wasn't saying that he was feeling particularly bad, & yet here I was doing everything.  I really thought we were just going through a phase, that he would snap out of it, and I was going to sit him down and have a heart-to-heart if he didn't step back up in the next few weeks.  I also thought we were going to have time to fix things, and I also feel looking back on it that there were signs that I missed.

The thing of it is, guys, that hindsight is always 20/20.  Beating ourselves up now doesn't accomplish anything & it definitely doesn't bring our loved ones back.  I know that it is hard not to do this.  Analyzing every little detail of the past is a perfectly natural response to grief, but I do struggle with this on a daily basis.  But I am also confident that those feelings will not be as raw with a little time.  I have lost a lot of people I have loved - friends and family members, including my mother, who also died well before her time.  After she died, I did the same thing, which is why I know that we just have to stick it out.  We are our own worst critics.  We are only human, we are not perfect, but we are not bad people.  

Comment by Soccermom yesterday

Kris - I know what you mean.  My husband was ill since September but we thought he was battling Epstein-Barr (mono).  I would get so upset since I was handling everything for our house and all 3 kids and I felt like he was over-exaggerating.  When his spleen ruptured in December and we discovered he had lymphoma, then I had to become caretaker and cheerleader, in addition to making the Xmas season somewhat merry for the kids.  He went into cardiac arrest on 12/28 at home, was unconscious for a week and then revived on January 1st and I was so involved in all the day-to-day stuff that I wasn't able to really concentrate.  He had a round of chemo in the hospital which made him tired and cranky and basically taking his anger out on me.  Had I known he only had 2 more weeks to live, I would have been so much more patient.  I feel like I didn't handle anything well those last few weeks :(

Comment by Hope yesterday

Mary H you are doing well for all you have been faced with. Life is emptier for sure. I admire your guts and stamina. You have weathered a lot to this point. I am glad you have a project that you can pick up and put down. That is probably the best situation to be in even though you don't have a lot of passion for it at the moment. We will keep taking steps and I believe at some point in our life we will have some sense of peace and contentment which alludes many of us right now. There are so many secondary losses that come to bear even after we have mourned and accepted the loss of our loved one. Hugs

Comment by Hope yesterday

Kris, please don't be hard on yourself. You are going through enough without second guessing in hindsight. I started to go down that path and it is a useless loop. Let it go. He knows you loved him dearly.

Comment by Kris yesterday
Made it past the 2 month mark... I mostly have gotten to a point were I can live with how he died. It isn't as traumatizing.. but now all I can think of is all the regrets.. the wasted time... the lack of intimacy due to both working demanding full time jobs and lack of sleep due to 2 small children. The worst part of marriage when your raising small kids or maybe not the worst part but the most difficult time. We were robbed of being ablend to fix things. Also I look back and feel bad about getting upset with the way he was acting.. tired and he wasn't himself. In hindsight it probably was caused by his heart issues... and I should have been more understanding.
Comment by Mary H yesterday

Hi Hope, that's exactly it... I am at 15 months, and I've gotten to the point where I have recovered a lot from the sudden shock of having my husband torn out of my life.  We had something really special and I never expected it to end so suddenly or when I still have so much life still ahead of me, but I am coming to grips with it.  I try to honor what we had, and I keep him in my heart, but no matter how far I can go in adjusting to the loss of him, I am still left with an emptier life.  Luckily I have a project which can take as much or as little attention as I need to give it to give my life a semblance of purpose, but it isn't, of course it isn't, enough to compensate, and my passion for it is in black and white.  I go through the motions hoping to care more some day, hoping that I can rebuild my life in time.  It's just that I look back on my first life, and all the effort, and frankly, luck, that went into it all working out so well, and...  I try not to think about it too much.  I try to keep trying to stay in the day I am in, and not look ahead, as that is the one thing which has most helped me to manage my fear of the future.

Comment by IBelieveInYou yesterday

KayeL - Hang in there. 

Comment by KayeL yesterday

Hope and IBelieveInYou, I wish I could just never need to work. When hubby and I started dating 15 years before we graduated from college, he promised he would work hard so he could support me to be a happy stay-home wifey doing what I'd enjoy to do. When we got married 5 years ago, I quitted working and have been a stay-home wife/mom. I used to have so much hobbies- needlework, reading, playing piano, watching art movies and keeping our dwelling tidy/cooking for my husband. When we welcomed our newborn two years ago, I have had an additional role to play, as a stay-home mom. Hubby died from illness from nowhere after our 5-weeks vacation, and now I'm left with responsibilities. I so do wish I would never need to work again. If without a kid to raise, I could sustain not working for awhile if I spend our saving carefully. Now I'm forced to get ready to look for a job again. I am totally not looking forward to be a FT working mom. I have no help around but a few friends. My life from being pampered to now being all alone. I hate it. My dream since I was a kid is to marry a nice man whom I would love and to raise a family with him together. I found one, have been madly in love with him since we met.. then what? Fate took him away from me. I am shattered, scared and feeling forlorn. I am just so lost. I have been spoiled all my life and now I am forced to live a "real life." It's scary and I am not liking it.

Comment by Diane yesterday

I sold my business 10 months after Don died suddenly.  Being on my toes with long work days was killing me.  That was over 3 years ago and I'm heading back to work now.  Taking time off for me was an incredibly good decision.  And I didn't really plan much, but that's my style.  Did some great volunteer work, moved into a new house that I had gutted and redesigned, watched my wonderful grandson a whole lot.  It was not all happy and fun, but neither was working.  I feel strongly that, for me, it got my feet back on the ground and a handle on what I wanted in life now.  We're all different, the trick is listen to your gut.


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