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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1744
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Discussion Forum

Anniversary Today

Started by jlsrdh. Last reply by Mary Oct 9. 4 Replies

today is my anniversary. The second since Tom died. Last year I was barely functioning, and his memorial service was 2 days after our anniversary. This would have been our 39th. So, I wrote something…Continue

this is perfect site to journal

Started by jlsrdh. Last reply by Laurie Sep 23. 4 Replies

 this is the perfect site to journal, and express any thoughts and feelings we all go through at these terrible times. Its is helpful to read what others are feeling, thinking too. The responses from…Continue

Guilt, Shame and Pain

Started by Snagglefoot. Last reply by Laurie Sep 23. 20 Replies

Hello Group. I don't know if this is the correct place to say this or talk about what has taken place this last week but I need to let the pain out because it is hitting me hard today. RIP August 7,…Continue

So Many Unanswered Questions

Started by TeresaNY. Last reply by going.on.slowly Sep 22. 18 Replies

Hello All:My husband of 19 years at the age of 46 died suddenly on August 2nd of this year.  I have so many unanswered questions as to why this happened to him.  He was a good man, in relatively good…Continue

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Comment by Frank on August 27, 2019 at 3:03pm

Pualili,

I so remember those days... In September of 2012 we retired and we started to build the addition to our home. Susan thought it too small for all of our planned retirement activities.  They dug the footings, poured the concrete and started roughing it in.  Two months later Susan died, and the construction continued.  As part of the addition we each had a room that was 24 feet x 11 feet with a 10 foot ceiling.  When the construction was finished, I emptied a 20x20x10 storage space and put its contents into the addition.  I first devoted my time to my room emptying boxes building an electronics workbench, assembling my sound & TV system and my radio equipment.  I left Susan's room closed except for a pathway through all the boxes.  At about three years, I was walking through Susan's room to my room and thought, I need to start on these boxes.  I happened to pass by a bag labeled "Personal Things" and stopped.  Thinking that every journey starts with a first step, I figured a organized room starts with a box... I opened the bag and inside were Susan's clothing from the ER and her ID's, wallet, etc.  I let out a groan, cried, and dropped the bag where it had been and fled to another part of the house.  To tell the truth, it was around the middle of the 5th year before I actually was able to start sorting through Susan's things and even now,  6 years after she died, there are some things that mean so much to me that they are still in her room.  Heck, my kids may have to do that when I'm gone.

Her perfumes and makeup mirror and brushes are still in the master bathroom on her vanity.  They just seem to belong there.  Seeing them there just seems right.  Should I meet some gal who would like to move in, I would have no problem removing her things, but for now they just seem right.

((((HUGS))))

Frank

Comment by Pualili221 on August 27, 2019 at 12:28pm

@Frank,

I love your idea about the wedding photos.  I know right now I am still not in the right place to be able to do that but I do hope I can reach that point when I can. Right now I can barely go through one box without going through a total melt down.

Comment by BA7.5 on August 26, 2019 at 11:13pm

Pualili221,

Thanks for your thoughts tomorrow.  The emotions have been building over the last few days.  It's going to be a super full day tomorrow.  I'm so glad to be going somewhere we loved (our favorite lake where we kayak, hike, bike and where we were married!) and will be surrounded by our good friends.  

I certainly agree about getting emotional before "special" days.  The memories are so important and we anticipate them.  Only wishing that they could be the same as in the past... Also, I was reminded today of planning for grief-hangover after those special days... 

Nites-- argghhh… I hate them too.  I do as Frank mentioned-- stay up so late that when I crawl in I have energy to talk to Dave for a bit and cry, but then I crash.  

Frank, thank you for sharing your ideas and thoughts.  Love the idea of looking through wedding photos...

Hugs back to all--

Comment by Melissa on August 26, 2019 at 9:41pm

Frank, that's such a beautiful idea! I've been quite weepy because I'm coming up on the second anniversary of my husband's passing, and I am going to borrow your idea of going through the wedding photos and talking about them.

Thank you so much.

My love to you all.

Comment by Frank on August 26, 2019 at 9:10pm

Hi,

Generally speaking the nights and weekends are the worst. Simply put, these are the times when we would be together, and now our spouse is gone. 
I too had trouble sleeping.  I would stay up practically till my head hit the desk and then go to sleep.  Normally, I stay up till 11:30, midnight, go to bed and then I'd wake at 2am.  I mentioned this to one of our members and she suggested to me that since I was retired, just get up.  Read, watch TV or in my case get on the radio (I'm a ham radio operator).  Since I had no reason to get up in the morning (no dogs, just two cats) When I got tired again, I could just go to sleep and wake up whenever.  If you are still working, do the same thing on your weekends.

Later, after a year or so, I decided that I would honor our marriage by celebrating one of the many days that meant so much to us as a couple.  In my case I chose our anniversary.  On that day, I get out our wedding album and sit on the couch. I open the book and turn the pages looking at the pictures in the album and I talk to Susan as if she were leaning against me as I page through the album.  I talk about each picture and what it means.  When I'm done, I close the album and say a prayer thanking the Good Lord for the gift of time that He gave me with Susan, and I thank her for her love.  Then I fix dinner.

It's too soon in your journey to do what I do, but please keep it in mind for further down the road.

((((HUGS))))

Frank

Comment by Pualili221 on August 26, 2019 at 7:41pm

@ Frank and Nance63,

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I am sure none of us ever thought we would be here, at least not just yet. 

@BA7.5 yes, we are going through similar paths. A few months back was hard because it seemed like all the firsts were coming all at once, May our anniversary, Mother's Day, Father's Day and on Sept. 27th will be James' 47th bday. I am not looking forward to that day or Thanksgiving and Christmas. Actually anytime a special "day" is approaching I start feeling anxious and very sad, that includes the monthly day he passed. I decided on his birthday I will still buy that card for him. I will write down my thoughts, feelings and my accomplishments that he would have been proud of. 

Nights are always hard, I haven't been able to sleep more than 4 hours at a time, if at all.  I don't like to take sleeping pills even though my Dr. Rx me some. I do take melatonin but has not helped me much lately. 

I have had and still do, many nights filled with tears. During the day it's so much easier because I can preoccupy myself with work. Nights are the hardest when everything else slows down, when I am alone. I still haven't figured  out a way to navigate through the nights.

I will be thinking of you on Tues and sending you virtual hugs to give you strength. 

Comment by Frank on August 26, 2019 at 8:05am

Hi All,

My wife of 35 years went to sleep one Sunday in December, 2012 and did not wake up on Monday.  My world imploded and exploded that day.  As Nance says, over time it gets "Softer" and as the years go by you will be able to look back and actually see the difference between then and now.

With Susan's passing in the middle of December, it seemed I could not catch a break.  Christmas, New Years, My birthday (Jan), her birthday (Feb), Mother's day, Father's Day, Our retirement and move to our home in the mountains (Sept), our anniversary (Oct) all of which we celebrated.  It seemed like just as things were starting to settle down, another important day came along and the bandage was ripped off the wound to new pain, tears, and loss. 

Grief is one of our most terrible afflictions and it is caused by worst thing that can happen.  You have to go through it, minute to minute, hour by hour, and day by day.  Get active on WV, talk to us of your loss, use feelings in your descriptions, and include as much detail as you feel you can.  Writing here will help you organize your thoughts and as you write you will be better able to describe what you are going through.  Getting it out instead of internalizing it will be a big step along the way.  Vent, Scream, Cry, we are here to listen and help. 

((((HUGS))))

Sincerely,

Frank

Comment by BA7.5 on August 25, 2019 at 9:15pm

Pualili221 & Nance63,

It's so helpful to connect with people here.  Pualili221, it sounds like we are in such a similar place.  My thoughts are with you.  It's such a lonely, scary time... Every nite I go to sleep hoping in the morning I'll wake up to find it's all been a nightmare.

Nance63, thank you for your kind words.  In some ways, it feels like forever ago that Dave died, yet in others it seems like just yesterday he was sitting on the couch next to me... the pain is immense and there is absolutely no escaping it...

It was 6 months last week and Tuesday is Dave's birthday.  I'm an emotional wreck.  I haven't been able to stop crying most of the day today.  I will be surrounded by our friends on Tuesday afternoon/evening at one of our favorite lakes here in the mountains.  But then they'll all leave and I'll be alone again... SO hard...

Hugs to you both as you face tomorrow--

BA7.5

Comment by Nance63 on August 24, 2019 at 8:26am

Ladyhawke, I am so so very sorry for you and your daughters and what you are going through. All grief is unique but some situations are complex, complicated by other factors such as yours and it's heartbreaking that you are not only grieving and mourning but dealing with the terrible manner and the ongoing investigations.  My heart goes out to you. I pray that you are upheld and have much support and love to carry you.... 

BA7.5 and Pualili221, you are both in the early days, though it must feel as if it's been going on for so long and so slowly.  You also have my sympathies as you navigate this terrible landscape of your life right now. I want to let you know that you will, in time, feel a lessening of the raw pain that you feel now. It will never be GONE, but it will be softer, smoother, gentler with you.  I remember walking to the county ...shoot, I forget what it's called now...where I had to go about certain details after my husband's death 3 years ago. I was scared all the time (that was not me!! wtheck?)  and I needed my young adult daughter to come along... we were walking and I said, "well... the worst thing that can happen has (unless I should ever lose one of you, God forbid), so I guess nothing else will feel this bad, and I am getting through it...."  Keep doing whatever it is that gives you comfort or peace. Take gentle care of yourself. 

Comment by Pualili221 on August 23, 2019 at 3:04pm
@BA7.5
I'm sorry for your loss. Two days ago marked 6 months since my husband passed away. It has been a struggle everyday since. I miss him, I constantly wish that this was all just a bad dream and life would be as if he was still here with me. I am only making it through the days because I have thrown myself into my work. I am not sure I am living life since I do not feel joy, I feel great sadness and just numb. I don't know what the future holds for me, right now I just exist. I just hope that one day all this sadness and hurt just doesn't hurt so much anymore.
I hope you find comfort on this website. I have found it helpful in validating my thoughts and feelings as I go through this grieving process. And you are absolutely right, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Sending you hugs
 

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