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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1552
Latest Activity: May 12

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Comment by KMA2106 on April 21, 2017 at 3:36pm
I was fortunate enough not to have to go through any big issues for insurance etc....what is so incredibly sad to me is that we are going though the most horrific time of our lives and we need to be mentally on top of our game to take care of all these issues. I am at a year and although I was lucky enough that we had everything "in place"...I am so emotionally drained and constantly feel like I need a nap. I just can't imagine having to "fight" for anything right now...I wish anyone who does the best.
Comment by tifacola on April 21, 2017 at 2:43pm

I wanted to take the time to thank SweetMelissa2017 and onedayatatime for your valuable insight and sharing your story with me!

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on April 21, 2017 at 12:57am

Unfortunately, we learn things as we walk this path ...

Insurance companies are far more receptive when an attorney files the claim ...

Bob's life insurance & the driver's insurance both paid out w/in 30 days of his death at a cost of $100 per claim for a total of $600K ...

My attorney did not receive 1/3, which is cutomary, because a lawsuit did not have to be filed to force payment

from either insurance company ...

Comment by Gaining Strength on April 17, 2017 at 2:16pm

Onedayatatime, Condolences to you.  Your story should be told, probably on social media or some site where a lot of people have access. Most people do not know how difficult it is to get a claim paid. Everyday, people shell out hard earned dollars paying for life insurance without understanding how difficult it is to deal with the company. My husband had one life insurance attached to our mortgage for 20 years before death. It took them five months to pay a paltry $39K (amount of the mtg). They wanted the attending physician to sign documents. I could not find him because he is not an employee of the hospital and I did not know which hospital he was working at.  In the end I had to get assistance from my employer who had a connection with the insurance company to intervene on my behalf. They also could not find the application paperwork because it was 20 years old and probably misfiled someplace..

Comment by onedayatatime on April 17, 2017 at 12:45pm

Hi tifacola,

My condolences to you.  My wife was standing on a sidewalk when she was struck and killed by a careless driver.  The police report was available within a few days of the collision.  Unfortunately, when I made a claim on my wife's life insurance policy, the insurance company hired a private investigator. His assignment was to review my wife's medical records for the past 7 years.  She had been in great health. If, however, the medical review showed that she suffered from anxiety, depression or some other major condition that we failed to disclose on the insurance application, then the insurance company could have refused to pay out, citing breach of contract.  In the end, they paid out everything, but it was a horrible experience to go through.

In motor vehicle collisions, I think the system is set up to blame the victim.  Not only was I grieving the death of my loved one, but I had no choice but to cooperate with the private investigator and prove that we were honest people who had answered all the questions on the insurance application truthfully.  At one point, I thought I was going to have to hire a lawyer and sue the insurance company for what seemed like a very long delay before they paid out. I thought for sure they were going to try to wiggle out of paying somehow.

Later on, when I sued the driver for killing my wife, the driver's car insurance provider filed a statement of defense in which they denied every allegation in my statement of claim and they asserted patently false, hurtful allegations.

For example, the insurance company alleged that my wife was culpable in her own death because she was "intoxicated on drugs and/or alcohol".  She wasn't.  In fact, the coroner's autopsy report was prepared before I launched my lawsuit and it stated that there were no drugs or alcohol in my wife's system.  How could an insurance company's lawyer knowingly make false allegations like that?  There were other ones that also denigrated my wife's character.

It took over two years from the time of my wife's death to when the driver was convicted on careless driving charges and I reached a settlement in my civil lawsuit. It was a horrible ordeal to go through.

Insurance companies are not sympathetic or compassionate at all.  Quite the opposite.  They want to minimize what they have to pay out so they use tactics like hiring private investigators, blaming the victim and wearing down bereaved family members.

I am sorry for your loss and what you are going through.

Comment by tifacola on April 17, 2017 at 11:41am

Hi all. I'm hoping those that lost their SO to a car accident could share their experience regarding the time in which it took to have the police report and forensic information in hand. I've been filling in the gaps in my head for 5 months trying to figure out how my husband died. It makes me bitter and angry at the world. Especially since I can't claim his life insurance (accidental death insurance) without this document. I don't feel like I can settle if I don't know where we stand financially.

Comment by Angela on April 17, 2017 at 2:40am

There are so many "firsts".  They are so very painful.  So are the waves of grief.  To be going along okay and then, boom!, hit with a wave of such sorrow.  Easter was difficult as in church, the sermon talked about loved ones we lost.  Spring is equally difficult because we enjoyed being outside together when the weather was so nice.  It is true, most people who haven't suffered like us, don't understand why we continue to grieve.  Don't let that stop you from talking about your loved one.  I sometimes think, though I am one day further from the time when we were both together in flesh, we are one day closer to being together in spirit.  I also know he is always with me in spirit too.  It doesn't take away the longing for a hand to hold, a voice to hear but does give a minor comfort.  Hang in there. Time will continue to teach us how to handle the grief that we carry with us every day.

Comment by Frank on April 16, 2017 at 9:23pm

Hi,

I remember my "First's".  They were filled with the pain of loss, a physical pain, and a sort of panic.  With our retirement, and the move to our home in the mountains, September was a beginning. October was our 35 was our 35 wedding anniversary. On Thanksgiving day in November I flew her out on Flight-for-life, and on the 17th of December, she passed suddenly and unexpectedly in her sleep.  I dreaded those three months for years.  Toward the Third's, I found the anticipation of those months and the particular days, turned out to be worse than the actual day itself.  It's been a little over 4 years now, and I'm in my Fifth's. Over the time and looking back as the years moved on, I have been able to concentrate on the good in our time together, and have stopped thinking about the bad.  I made the conscious decision to honor our wedding anniversary, and not the day of her death etc.  On our wedding anniversary, I take out our wedding album and sit on the love seat, and go through the pictures and talk to her as if she were cuddling beside me and chat with her about each picture.  December here in the Rocky Mountains is not the best time to visit the cemetery so I visit her as I drive by on the way into Denver (she is at FT Logan National Cemetery) which is just off the highway that takes me into town.  The visits have been less frequent as "life" interferes, and I find myself visiting more when I'm wrestling with some dilemma that one of our kids is going through.  I'll tell her I love her and talk with her about the problem, and sometimes, it makes thinking clearer and I walk away, alone, but with an idea.

The years will pass and over time we adjust, but we never forget.  Not worrying about Mother's Day, Father's Day, her birthday, my birthday, and the loss, helped me latch onto one day, our anniversary when we said I DO, seemed more important to me and has helped me immensely.

((((HUGS))))

Frank

Comment by IBelieveInYou on April 16, 2017 at 5:29pm

Hi KMA - Yes. I've noticed that too. People think after a year you should start getting over it. They have no idea. There are many days I just don't want to do anything but sit and stare out the window. Spring is hard for me because my wife loved the emergent qualities of life. As I sit here, looking out the window, I see that the ash tree in our backyard is soon going to be leafed out. Every year Tam would wonder when the leaves would show up. Out of the blue they would be there and she'd be surprised and pleased. Time to compose myself. My daughter made dinner. She asked for steak so I defrosted cube steak. Turns out it is pretty nasty to eat cube steak as if it's a T-bone! She and her boyfriend are off getting dinner and they are on their way back. Take care of yourself and always feel free to write here.

Comment by KMA2106 on April 16, 2017 at 4:59pm
So I thought I had reached my "year of first" and was hoping I was taking a step forward. My husband's year was 4/12/17. I thought I was doing "ok" and but I couldn't figure out what felt wrong. Until I was in church today,by myself, on Easter Sunday and then it hit me...it was a first... Easter was early last year...it really hit me hard. I want to think that I just need to put one foot in front of the other and I will go on living...I hate when I continuously get drug down. I must admit that this roller coaster ride is exhausting and the further we get away from the date the less people want to hear.
 

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