Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation


Suddenly widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. The complementary group is "Long term illness." Yes, you may join both.

We now have a "Suddenly widowed" discussion in the PERENNIAL main forum. Q's? Widville@gmail.com

Members: 1163
Latest Activity: 9 hours ago

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Comment by Diane on Saturday

h2opolo...what a fantastic post, thank you for sharing it.  I don't think people understand how much courage it takes to do this and keep trying.  But that does make me think how much courage it must take to do a whole lot of things I have never experienced before.  Anyhow you are a very courageous lady and I sincerely congratulate you on taking steps to develop a new life in spite of the fear and sadness and loneliness that accompanies such a huge losses we have had.  

Comment by h20polo on Saturday

Diane, I am only a couple days behind you - Feb 6 2012 was and still is the worst day of my life - how did I go from celebrating that my husband was home - doing fantastic - cancer free - to a week later planning a funeral. I continue to make conscience decisions to get my fun loving, goofy, no cares in the world - happy self back - it won't be the same because in the background I will have the ache of bruce not being here - but I will never give up and determined to get that back.  A couple months ago i got a phone call out of the blue asking what it would take to quit my government job and go work for a software company - I would travel some but work from home.  It was something I had talked about doing but knew I never would because I never wanted to travel for work and be away from my husband and kids.  When it was offered I had no intention of taking it - I was quite content with the job I had - then I realized that this opportunity had come to me for a reason - the timing could not have been better - had it come sooner (right after Bruce fired I would not have taken it) - I decided I could stay where I was just getting by or be proactive and try and take control of my future - take the risk and take the job.  so I took the job - scariest thing I have ever done but I felt it is the opportunity to move forward with my life instead of just getting by - I don't want to just get by I want to be Happy -  I just had to fly to washington DC - rent a car and drive to maryland for a presentation - I have never done anything like that before - Bruce was aways with me doing the driving, etc.  I was terrified - but told myself I could to do it -  I made it no problem and once I got back to the airport to fly home it was such a good feeling to think - I did it - one more step forward.  It was really hard coming home to an empty house but I am getting better with that each time I do it.  Still torn between wanting to feel that love and comfort with someone again and thinking how could I when Bruce and I had such a great connection.  I tell myself - that I will go with whatever God puts in my pass - but knowing that I have to get out and help myself at moving forward.  It would be great if I met someone that made me feel so great again - but it would have to be a very special person that can understand mine and Bruce's love and relationship and be ok with it.  None of us wanted this as our life - none of us had any control in this devastation we were thrown into - but we all have a choice on how we go on -  we can crumble up and be the walking dead - or we can do a whole lot of self talk - counseling - falling down and getting back up - and try and take control to get our happy back (whatever that means for each of us).  Look back at the tiny steps we have taken - each day -  just making the decision to get out of bed each morning is a step in the right direction - I am choosing to keep trying - no matter how much it hurts  (I still ind myself crying out of the blue - and I let myself - then I pull myself together and say one more time - I Got This.    I wish everyone here has a little better day today than yesterday - 

Comment by Diane on Saturday

Boy is this place ever filled with wisdom and love.  Love kapilot's quote, it's so exactly right on.  

There are times my own sadness is for my lost life and innocence as much as for the loss of my sweet husband and all he was for me and our kids.  Then of course there's sadness for the loss of family and friends who do seem to fade away.  If anyone had told me that would happen I would have been COMPLETELY surprised.  But it does happen and like everything else I have learned that I can survive that.  I am at 2.5 years and what I am learning is how to take care of myself and when I can do that I am more loving, less cynical and more accepting than I ever was, which makes me peaceful.  When I'm peaceful I can feel joy again.  I feel like Feb. 1, 2012 set me on a crash course that will probably take the rest of my life and that's OK.  All of you here are in my heart, thank you for all you share.

Comment by Ellen on Saturday

Joette:  I would just like to add that this grief journey that we are all on, does not go in a straight path.  You will have ups and downs, you will take 2 steps forward and 1 step back from time to time, but this is how grief is.  I just want you to know that and not be afraid when it happens.  You will survive and come out the stronger for it.  Your life will never be the same as it was, but that does not mean that you cannot still find happiness again some day while always keeping your beloved in your heart.

Comment by Ellen on Saturday

Hello, Joette:  First of all my condolences on the loss of your beloved husband.  All of us here understand completely all the feelings you are experiencing on this tragic sudden death.  Believe me, Joette, you are not going crazy.  When our life partner with whom we have shared everything there is to share suddenly is no longer there, it is a traumatic shock to our entire being.  It hurts so very deeply like nothing else we have ever felt before.  Words cannot even describe the intensity of such pain.  Only those of us who have gone through such a gut-wrenching sudden loss can truly understand what it feels like.  So, Joette, just let it all out - cry as much and as long as you need to because the only way to even think of healing is to get all our feelings out.  Do not worry about what others say - they cannot understand what you are going through unless they, too, have walked this path.  Do whateer gives you relief, whether it be crying, sobbing or screaming.  You must not keep it bottled up inside you because that will only hurt you more in the future.  We feel an emptiness so consuming that it cannot even be described.  Anger is also a very common feeling so be comforted in knowing that too.  We miss our loved one so very, very much and that is perfectly normal and we will always miss them and long for them and the life we had together.  Reading books on widowhood and joining bereavement groups would be of great help to you I am sure, as they have been for me.  You will meet other women who have lost their husbands and this will help you not to feel so alone.  And although I know it is much too soon for you to understand this, gradually, living one day at a time and not looking ahead to the future, things will slowly become easier to bear, yet there is no time limit for when this will happen.  It is different for each and every one of us.  But please, Joette, believe me that there will come a day when your heart will be lighter and things will not be as intense as they are for you now.  Be patient with yourself and know that we are all here for you at any time of the day or night, 7 days a week, whenever you feel the need.  You are not alone in your grief and never will be at Widowed Village.  I wish I could hug you and try to reassure you that with time and patience, things will not feel as overwhelming as they do right now, but I know that is difficult to understand.  You are in my prayers and my thoughts and I hope I have given you some degree of comfort and support on the most difficult and most gut-wrenching journey of your life.  Peace to you and your family.  Ellen

Comment by Cristina on Saturday

katpilot, the way a widowed friend said it to me once, in my first year, was: First you discover you will survive.  Later you discover you will live.  At 3 and a half years out, I still feel I am just treading water.  But at least I'm still treading.  I don't ask too much of myself, anymore.  I push myself to make music, but other than that, I am pretty gentle on myself.  Some ways I am still trying to comprehend what happened.  Some ways I may never comprehend what happened.  I just know how incredibly grateful I am for his love.  Then, now, forever.  Blessings to all on this sad journey. 

Comment by gardenlady on Friday
Have just read all the new comments. Thanks for all of you who are sharing your painful journey. I can not express how much all of you have help me deal with this sudden change of everything I had known about my life. As I journey through these first months, all the things I have read here seem so true for me too. God bless all of you ! I think the coming of Winter with all the plants dying and the days getting shorter has added to my sadness. I started using my daylite sun lamp for SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and taking Vit D3....both suggested by my Dr. Thanks again for being here for each other.
Comment by missincin (Dan) on Friday

Josette, You are not crazy and you are not alone. What you have been through, like many of us, is unbelievable I'm out almost  2 years and it does get easier but it doesn't end. You lose your best friend, lover, and life partner. Then slowly your friends and family seem to fade away. From all I read and through counseling it appers to be the way it happens. Mordern times are nothing like the old days. When friends and family came to your aid. You must find away to go on. No matter what it takes. If you have to scream in the middle of a store..Do it. If you have to cry....cry. The chat room here is great and full of people you have been where you are. One person calls themselves "The New Normal" and its a perfect name. You are on a journey that sucks but everyone on here is walking that journey also. You can do it, you can survive. You are never alone. We are always here.

Comment by Elbegirl on Friday
Katpilot, I like your quote, it says it so well. Sometimes i can't even come to this site. It is so much misery! We all are suffering so much! I just pray for peace and understanding for us all on this horrible journey!
Comment by Lady v on Friday

Josette, you are one of us. We all walk the walk of the loss of the beloved companion, trusted advisor, lover, best friend.... I could go on and on. We help each other to see we are not crazy; this is a crazy horrible journey.  Katpilot, I copied the quote you gave us and will put it on my mirror. I know my beloved John was happiest when I was happy. Today is 7 months for me. I walk in sadness, sometimes a slow ache, other times a raw scream.  I have had moments of peace and calmness. One day I will find myself alive again. I simply cannot know when it will come. Sharing this journey with sisters (and brothers) helps


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