Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation


Suddenly widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. The complementary group is "Long term illness." Yes, you may join both.

We now have a "Suddenly widowed" discussion in the PERENNIAL main forum. Q's? Widville@gmail.com

Members: 1165
Latest Activity: 18 hours ago

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Comment by Penelope 18 hours ago

I'm "listening", Kerrie. Clovergirl and Nancy and Joella and Gardenlady and Cindy and H2Opolo.  There are just too many of us. Too many of us suffering. It is making me angry. I'm so sorry for your suffering and mine. It is four months and I miss Pat so much.

I'm hooked on Chopped too, and I don't cook either.

For memory, I use my Notes app and my calendar with alerts on the iPhone. I gave up writing lists, because I'd forget where they were. My phone is always nearby. (My poor girl panics if I don't answer.)

Some positive baby steps today: I arranged for a dog trainer to come to my apt. once a week, so I can keep my dog. Asheville is a very dog friendly town, and I want to be able to go down town with her.  I registered for a real estate class. I have to start thinking about employment.

BIG HUGS ladies and gents. Going to try to sleep now.

Comment by Kerrie yesterday

This might turn into a ramble and might be repetitive cuz I am posting in a couple of groups but had to "talk" to some of the people that I know get it. Day begins with finding out that the Pomona, Calif SWAT officer that was shot yesterday, died this morning. He was 46 and the father of one of the girls who works with me at animal control.  Was doing okay until I heard that he died and then I went up into my office, shut the door and had meltdown.  He was shot in the head which was what happened to my husband back in the 70s but ultimately was a major factor in his death due to Hep C.  One of my fellow supervisors, not knowing I was in my office, came in for something and saw me having meltdown...got  big hug and a "It upset me too" type of sentiment.  Meltdowns off and on due to way too much way too soon (Don passed away 9 months ago).  Afternoon comes and my office mate shows up for his PM shift.  got to talking...his 70 something year old mother was just diagnosed with stage 3 Lymphoma.   I have to call my sister to tell her I goofed and can't take her to her followup apt next week re the rotator cuff surgery she is scheduled for on Halloween......as I am leaving to head home, received an email from her saying not to worry about taking her in for surgery because it had to be postponed.....preop chest xray showed a nodule on the lung and today's CT scan confirmed there was a mass.....biopsy to be scheduled later. She called me when I was on train on way home and the floodgates opened again......thanks for "listening"....things have got to get better...do they??

Comment by Joellen on Sunday

Hi all I have not  posted for awhile but have been reading been in a major slump meltdown thought I was handling things so well but it is 31 months on this horrid journey and I have really slid back trying to pull myself back up but taking awhile. while I am better than I was in the beginning of this journey I am not as well as I  was a few months ago it has seemed to have kicked me in the gut again.. got a few emails asking about me thank you much appreciated. soft days for all. I am ok really 

Comment by Hornet (Cindy) on Saturday

clovergirl...yep...me too. Thirteen months out and remembering the early days very well (how can I forget them?). It is truly awful...but you will get through it...YOU WILL. All of us have, and you will too.

Let the house go. Don't beat yourself up for forgetting to buy toilet paper (have a box of tissues beside the toilet just in case!) or feed the cat.

No wonder a person is forgetful...it was the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. Ever.

I honestly felt like calling an ambulance...for myself. I was literally sick. I lost 20 pounds...I didn't eat for 7 days straight right after it happened. My heart and mind and soul were critically wounded. It took months for me to get myself together...if you can call it that.

I know you have a lot of paperwork to do, and that is very important, but everything else? Just try to remember to eat something and turn off the stove so the house doesn't burn down...and breathe in and out. That's about it.

You are going to be ok. I'm here if you need to talk.

Take care of yourself, clovergirl.

Comment by nancyde on October 25, 2014 at 5:29pm

Clovergirl--Yes, memory problems are really common.  The first several months I couldn't remember anything.  I forgot to mail my electric bill and didn't even realize it until I got a huge bill the next month.  I watched TV too but only things that required very little thought.  My favorite--Chopped on the Food Network.  And I hate to cook.  On 12 Nov. I will be at 8 months.  My memory is better, but I still veg out in front of Chopped.  Hugs to you.

Comment by gardenlady on October 25, 2014 at 12:30pm
Short note for clovergirl. Big hug first of all. It is 6 months for me and I have been crying as I cleaned in my husband's bedroom putting things in the closet where lots of his clothes are hanging etc. Our daughter and grandsons are staying over tonite. What you are describing sounds so like my first months. I didn't come out of that fog you speak of until about 2 weeks ago. I am still crying unexpectedly over little things but I am noticing my messy, dirty house and caring about something besides watcing tv endlessly to block out my thinking of the new reality. Everyone on here writes of the same things....the pain is real....healing takes a long time....crying is healing. Be gentle with yourself....eat and sleep and do what you must....you will feel differently as the weeks and months go by. I would not have believed this at even 5 months. Write on this site and others will answer and they all are helpful on this awful lonely journey.
Comment by clovergirl on October 25, 2014 at 11:28am

I am at 9 weeks now. I am so thankful and sorry to find this group. I want to know if anyone else has memory problems. I didn't have memory or sleep problems before he died. I can't believe how forgetful I am. I find things that I thought I mailed but didn't. Misplace things(that's really not that unusual)  I am so overwhelmed by all the red tape, insurance, medical bills, etc. My house is a wreck. I just want to sit in my chair and watch tv when I get home from work. My friends are doing their best to keep me busy, and if it weren't for them and work, I might not even get out of bed somedays. I am going to a cook out tonight with friends, it will be very strange to not have Bill with me, I hope I don't start crying. I won't know anyone but the couple that I am going with so maybe it won't be so bad. I am used to going places alone because he traveled a lot, but most places I went were with friends that knew us and were used to me being alone. I am sorry to be rambling.  

Comment by h20polo on October 24, 2014 at 10:35pm

The good news is I am getting used to be home by myself - the bad news is I'm getting used to being home by myself.  I am so thankful for friends that ask me out during the week - but I wish people would once in a while think that hey - maybe she would like to go out on the weekend like normal people - and like we used to.  Oh well - be thankful that at least  I have friends and family that still think of me and include me in things - after all - I am really getting addicted to Shard Tank on friday nights - and since I am not out having drinks on the weekends I'm not adding extra calories and I don't have to worry about hang overs.  jeeze this really is a sad state of affairs- it will get better - i have faith in that - little by little -as Bruce always said "I have two amazing kids" and had a fantastic marriage - no regrets - I truly am blessed

Comment by Hornet (Cindy) on October 24, 2014 at 10:04pm

mtpcnc, you sound like my sweet husband. I lost him 13 months ago, and though I linger in this indescribable shock-ish like state...most days are better than they were 10 weeks out. When I was 10 weeks, Christmas was coming on me like a steamroller. I survived it, though. My advice to you is to breathe. Cry and breathe. Holding your tears in...if that is even possible...will poison your soul and make your life unbearable. I cannot believe your sweet wife would want you to do that. So, cry and breathe. (And stay away from rude, insensitive people...we ALL know them. You are hurting enough right now. Stay clear of anyone who may inflict more damage.) God bless you, mtpcnc. You are not alone...even though it feels that way...we are all in the same boat.

Comment by h20polo on October 22, 2014 at 11:23am

mtpcnc - so sorry to hear that you are now going through this nightmare - The feelings are those that no one can ever imagine as is the pain.  I remember laying in bed not ever wanting to get up and saying to myself "get out of bed - go take a shower you can't just stay in bed"  i remember everyone coming over and sitting there feeling like I was in a different world watching from the outside.  At 10 weeks i was boarding a plane (on what would have been my 29th wedding anniversary - 33years together) with my daughter to see my son who was just starting college in Australia - he had to leave a week after the funeral.  bruce and I had planned the trip and I was now going without him.  It was a lot of faking and going off and crying when no one was watching.  Then having to come home to an empty house - it sucked - I cried so much - I never knew I could cry so much - Foolishly I would say "I can't wait for one year to get here"  I thought after one year everything would be ok - yeah - not so much - the second year was almost worst than the first (at least for me).  The first year was crying and crying and crying until there were no more tears then trying to go on then crying some more. The second year I realized I was in a trance the first year just getting by - the second year reality set in that this is for reals - bruce isn't coming back - the reality of never having the love and comfort I felt just being with him ever again and the fact that i may be by myself for the rest of my life - which at 50 seems so terrible - I would rather die - but i had to force myself to keep going on - I have two children that need me so much - we were such a close family and them loosing their dad was devastating - he was our rock - voice of reason our everything our life.  SO  every day I tell myself I can do this - I force my self to try and be proactive about being happy again.  I continue to workout every day (even though even that is hard because we worked out together).  I find working out and being active really helps.  I have rambled on and probably not much help - but the bottom line is THIS SUCKS like no other - let yourself feel the pain - that pain is the love you had - have for your wife - let it out and cry and cry until you can't cry any more - then sit up and say 'I can do this"  then do it all over again.  A lot of self talk - I try not to think of the future - focus on each day - slowly - little by little the tears will be a little further apart.  It has been two 1/2 years for me and I still break down - how can I not - I am still without the love of my life.  But I continue to focus on being happy and being a better person - giving back..  I have said this before - Never quit trying - let yourself feel the pain but always free yourself to get back up - two steps forward one step back is still one step forward - slowly we will get there.


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