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Latest Activity: 8 minutes ago
How do I write about my Thanksgiving experience without sounding like I am feeling sorry for myself? There was tons of family (my husband's family) and all I could do was sit in a fog. So many mindless conversations; every time someone gave me a hug and asked how I was, I wanted to start crying. My mother-in-law said I was a trooper. My husband always helped to cut up the turkeys...I kept seeing him in the kitchen from previous years, and it broke my heart. I just felt like an empty shell. I am thankful for what I have...I work hard for it. I miss my husband so much it hurts. I have two more days in this trifecta...his birthday (December 2 and his anniversary date December 4. I pray they don't push me over the edge. I do see my therapist the day between them. I hope everyone made it through.
Given that my step-son is 50 years old (10 years younger than I) I don't expect him to regret his behavior unless he outlives his wife. And his behavior allows him to join his mom in suing me for more of his Dad's estate (which due to my husband's belief that one's word is one's bond, rather than needing to actually put things to paper I am only getting less than 10% of anyway). It's hard to be the court representative for the estate in this instance. And I miss my developmentally step daughter tremendously- they won't let her see me. I do live in another state from them. We were together 7 years, met about 10 years after his 1st marriage ended, and were married 2.5 years when he was killed. Makes grieving even more complicated.
When people imply or say to me that I should be over it, I just reply that everyone grieves to a different timetable. It usually stops the comments. I wish I had had that in my repertoire when my stepson said in disbelief that he couldn't believe how hard I was taking my husband's death (his father) 10 weeks later when he drove up to remove as many items as I would allow him to take of his dad's (more than I wished & much much less than he wanted).
My mother-in-law, who I spend the most time with, never says anything about moving on. She gets it because she lost her husband about 2 1/2 years ago. She talks often about the difference between the loss of her husband and her son. Her husband was very ill, and the end was inevitable; Mark died from a sudden heart attack. She has told me she is really not in the mood for any of these holidays, but goes on and goes along because it seems that is what her children want. I try never to lay my grief on her; she has her own. When I do cry, I can see how hard it is for her and I don't want to do that to her. She was the one who went with me to the ceremony by Life Gift to honor Mark for being a donor. I know he was my husband, but he was her son first.
I know we are going to grieve as long as it takes. I am so dreading this anniversary for numerous reasons. I am terrified of getting the nudge..."well, it's been a year, you should be over it." I know it is my time line, and I have a right to get upset if people think I am "wallowing"...but I fear not having the strength to stand up to them. Some days I feel like taking on the world, and others I will break if someone looks at me the wrong way.
Froggie4635, I am sorry you aren't getting a response from Mark's siblings. Everyone handles grief differently or in some cases I think they are just done with the sadness and want to move on. It hurts. My adult children seem to be doing fine and I think they expect more of me in terms of how sad I am. Its been not even 5 months. My daughter in law sent me a note saying we just have to celebrate and be happy for what we had. Ugh! She has no clue. I will be thinking of you this week...especially Dec 2 and 4th. I hope you will have someone surrounding you that understands your grief.
Hope...I can understand that. I am going to my sister-in-law's home for Thanksgiving. It was what we always did. Now I will be there without Mark, afraid of being the one who brings everyone down. I would prefer to stay home and escape. I have reached out to his siblings numerous times about sharing some of Mark's things with them. I understand that they all have families and schedules...but I am getting to the point where I am not sure how much these things mean to them. I also sent out an email to them all to try and schedule something to acknowledge the anniversary of his passing; only got one response...so of course I have not planned anything. Perhaps they cannot handle my sadness; sorry I can't hide that because they are uncomfortable. There is also a family wedding this Saturday, which I am not attending. This is going to be the hardest week...Thanksgiving, Dec 2 (his birthday) and the anniversary (Dec 4). I am going to do my best to get through it.
Hoping I can be positive with my family at Thanksgiving. Part of me just wants to hide under the covers. I don't want to be a bummer for them
Meme908. In addition to lighting a candle for every special occasion since he died- and a candle at dinnertimes with family, I always add a prayer/ a scripture or most often I write a short poem to recite when I light the candle and I sing a song. Either one I make up or one he might have liked or a verse of a favorite hymn. All of these things keep him a part of my day and for that time I offer more than my tears. I keep it short and simple and private...but I know he likes it because I feel his presence when I do those things.
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