today is my anniversary. The second since Tom died. Last year I was barely functioning, and his memorial service was 2 days after our anniversary. This would have been our 39th. So, I wrote something for him. This morning I picked up his ashes and read it to him. I also used the USDA Forest Service memorial donation for 400 trees to be planted in various forests across the US in honor of our anniversary. He loved the Sierras in Ca. I was able to look at our wedding album, and remember the happy day. We both looked so young.
Today my message to him was
those special memories of you will always bring a smile if only I could have you back for just a little while. Then we could sit and talk again just like we used to do my love for you meant so very much and your’s for me too. The fact that you’re no longer here will always cause me pain but you’re forever in my heart until we meet again.
I received from a good friend and fellow widow who is also just starting her second year, another great blog to read.
bertramsblog.com The Five major challenges we face during the second year of grief. Great article, but she has numerous blogs to read on grief.
Oh gosh, year two. And the anniversary. You still try to do all you can. You’re beginning to find a life without him, but also don’t want to give up or dishonor the memories. But you’ve been alone and without him for so long now. You want to go on in your life but hate hate hate the fact that he’s not there with you. That’s what I had happen. Then I finally fought and scratched and clawed my way into a new existence. That was just me. Without him. Year two was when it happened for me. You’ll still do this - honor him, love him, remember him - forever. But now, at least for me, it had to become my new life. Not that his memory can’t be a part of it - I still have pictures of him on my desk at work and I’m almost year seven - but new. Because he was gone and it was just me. And not a day goes by, but, it does change. And it does get “better”? Yes. No. Mostly.
I’m in month 2. Our 28th anniversary was August 19. He died August 12. It was so unexpected! He’s an athlete and vegan with no blood pressure, heart or any other issues. His Dr thought he either might have had a piece of plaque break off and cause a heart attack or there was an electrical glitch ( like A fib ) that messed up his heart beat. I’m the one with the high blood pressure and cholesterol, who works out sporadically etc. Really having a hard time understanding how this can happen.
His Birthday is coming up on the 15th. I was hoping to scatter his ashes on that day providing the weather is ok.Ive ordered a memorial bench that will be down along a river bank near a favorite running route of his. This is all just more than I can bare at times How do you do it?
Jules, I’m so sorry you are experiencing all this. His birthday is approaching, I wish him happy birthday. Toms was July 3 and because I had been doing ok I never expected the huge wave of grief that occurred that day. I’m here to validate whatever you experience or wish to do on his birthday. We lived in Ca until 2/18 when we moved to Az. The few times over all the years where Tom would actually discuss death, he always said he wanted his ashes scattered in the Sierra Mountains. Of course that is illegal if caught. He was ski patrol in Tahoe, back packer in Sierras, and he was a rock climber in Yosemite. He did both El Capitan and Half Dome, but all was years ago when we were younger. So, his ashes are in a biodegradable box, to be buried, with wild flower seeds on the top. I was so stressed about when I would fly back to Ca and go to somewhere close to Tahoe to bury his box. My funeral director stated, “we recommended you wait a year before you deal with the ashes”.
Toms death was 8/20/18. In January I went to a medium. Was a amazing experience as she knew things NO ONE knew but Tom and myself. One thing she said was, “his ashes are in a box, and it’s on a shelf. When you pick it up and talk to it, he hears you”. OMG. This is all correct. It’s on a shelf in my bedroom. Very few people know it’s a box, let alone on a shelf. I’m not on any social media. Text and email are all I do. After that experience I decided I’m keeping his ashes and when I die we are now to be buried together in the Superstition Mountains here. Both my sisters are now aware of this change. So, I’ve told him many times you are staying with me until I die. Suck it up buttercup. That’s my decision. ❤️
When I told my good friend in Ca, she said that’s what we are also doing. Im so happy you decided this.
so maybe consider to just do part of his ashes. You may decide later you are so happy that you did that, and still have some. If not, any decision is yours alone, no one else.
Jules, my husband's birthday is the 15th also. I have no idea what I'm doing. My son is usually here for our bdays but wasn't able to get the day off this year. My best friend is out of town and I'm not really close to his family. So, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm dreading it. He passed away in March. Our 46th anniversary was in April. Then, of course, Mother's Day and Father's Day and my bday. Now, his bday.