I became a widow on August 16. I also being the lone ranger in raising our boys, age 9 and 13. I feel like everyone around me things I am a complete idiot and I feel completely alone. I know when my friends and family say "but you arent alone, we are all here" they mean well but they just dont get it. They have no idea why I dont care to buy Christmas presents, or why I obsessively clean my house now, why I can be okay one minute and not okay the next. Why I am just not interested in "moving on" and meeting new men. This wasn't a break up, this was not a divorce. this was not a choice. I finally signed myself up for a widows retreat in March just so I can meet other widows who understand my struggle. I signed my kids up for grief camp and they are less than thrilled with the idea of it but I just think we all need to be surrounded by people who totally get it.
I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I want to validate for you that I also agree that UNLESS YOU ARE IN THIS YOU DON’T GET THIS!! My husband died 8/20/18 and like you last year meant nothing to me. The holidays were hard, I won’t lie. Google “David Kessler how to survive the holidays” one of his lines “ it’s good enough” was my motto last year. I have a strong village now which includes 4 other widows. One 3 weeks ahead of me, the other 3 are 5-6 months behind. I just watched last week - this video again. Then I sent to my widow friends. You lose your love, soul mate, cheer leader, best friend, and partner. No one ever tells you, hey this will be absolutely the most devastating thing you will ever experience. BUT IT IS. One widow is my neighbor. Her boys are 10,13,16. This year has been trying for them all. I’m here for her when she needs to come “chat”. She has also discovered in her circle no one gets this. But I do. My hope is for you to develope a strong village, those who just let you talk, rant, cry. It’s whatever you need, and everyday it’s different.
My take on obsessively cleaning your house, it’s something you have control over, plus it keeps the mind off this reality. When you lose a spouse, you lose all control of the life you had. So, you keep doing what gives you some control, comfort. For me it was exercise like walking.
I'm so sorry for your loss, but you've come to the right place. Personally, I really dislike it when people tell me I'm not alone. "You have us!"
Well, no, actually. I don't have you. I don't have you at three in the morning when the grief is so intense I think I can't live another minute. I don't have you when a routine mammogram comes back abnormal and I have to go alone for further testing because everyone is at work.
If half of your body has been ripped away in a terrible accident, people don't tell you to snap out of it three months later. You have lost half of you, and that's what people don't get. I had someone tell me they understood how I felt after my husband's death because their cat had died recently.
This is what we deal with out there. It would be funny if it weren't so sad. The widows retreat sounds like an excellent idea. Your kids will be glad in the long run to pick up some tools they don't know they need.
We are always here, and we get it. Don't let anybody tell you how to grieve. This is your loss. Just be sure to take care of yourself and make sure you remember to eat and get lots of fluids. Sleep as much as you can.
I wish you peace and comfort.
It is very early days!! Your friends and family mean well but you must do what is right for your and your kids. Just like any good mother does. I lost my husband 3 years ago. I found Widowed Village and through that I found Camp Widow which I attended after my first widowed year and again early this month, in Toronto, after 3 years. There, I found 300 people who walk in my shoes and get it! I still crave meeting widowed people because I am the only one of my circle and my family who has lost someone. I know, mostly by the silence, that a few of them think I should be moving beyond where I am...but they cannot know until it happens to them how long this grief ebbs and flows and how every single aspect of my life has forever changed. At Camp Widow there is a weekend of workshops and connecting with other people. It sounds like it would be a weekend of tears but it’s not. I feel filled up when I leave. One thing I learned is that before your husband died you were Person A and the the day your husband died is the day that Person B was born. And Person B is a ROCK STAR. Person B does unimaginable things under such stress...that could be getting out of bed every morning and eating breakfast, making sure your kids are taken care of and listened to, handling the paperwork of your husband’s estate, changing bank accounts, credit cards, cancelling his driver’s license etc., paying bills, and on and on. There isn’t anything in your life that has not been altered and will need getting used to. It all takes an enormous amount of time and energy. Be kind to yourself. ❤️
This is very well said!
@Going.on.slowly you are a rock star. I'm 2 years out and doing pretty good-ish but you've inspired me too!
@widowmom it takes time to adjust. Have patience with yourself. Don't let anyone make you feel pressured into conforming into whatever it is they think is normal.
I'm so glad I found the Soaring Spirits community. I was widowed in August of this year and am somewhat struggling with the "we're here for you" comments by friends and family, well meaning as they are. I just want to say a quick thank you for your post, widowboymom, as well as the spot on replies. For the first time I feel I'm connected with people who truly "get it".
I was suddenly widowed on September 16, 15 weeks ago today. Cardiac arrest. I,too, constantly get the same saying” you are not alone, you have us’. All of your feelings and statements hit home. They have no idea how that makes us feel. I had someone compare a long term relationship ‘break up’ to the death of my husband. Yes that happened.
I am also registered for the March widow camp. My 2 adult children surprised me Christmas evening by printing off the confirmed payed registration. I am looking forward to meeting people who understand. Talk, laugh and maybe even cry. Widowboymom34, we can try to connect before that so we can look for each other if you’d like. Or anyone else who may be going.