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Hi everyone, I am new to the group.  My husband Tom died of sudden cardiac arrest on November 23rd of this year.   He slumped over in his recliner while watching TV.  I called 911 and did CPR, but it did no good.  He was brain dead.  He was an organ donor and saved 4 people with his gift of life. 

We were married 20 years and together for 24.  He was young, only 46 years old, and I am 43.  We have 3 daughters, ages 19, 16 and 13.  I am still in a state of shock.  I cry all the time, the smallest things will set me off.  He had no signs of illnesses or signs that something was wrong with his heart. 

He was my love and my best friend, and now he is just gone.  Here one minute, gone the next.  I never got to say goodbye. I don't know what to do.  I work full time, and thank goodness my employer had been wonderful and supportive through my grieving process.  I just don't know what to do, I feel so lost without him.  I am lonely.  I want to hear his voice, give him a hug, tell him I love him, and I can't. 

My girls have been a great support for me, as have my friends.  His family has been great too,  I don't have any family except 1 sister who lives out of state (my parents are both deceased, my dad in 2004 and my mom in 2015, both to cancer). I can't figure out how to go on, how to look forward to the future.  I am not suicidal, but I just don't want to exist without him.  I am staying here for my girls, but it is hard.  I am seeing a counselor, so I am hoping it helps.  I just feel like my life has completely fallen apart. Thanks for listening.

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jlsrdh, I read your post and you have such wonderful resources you listed in it, so thank you. I am definitely going to look into The Wilderness of Grief.

If I could gently appeal to you to reconsider your release of message balloons. They are a danger to wildlife, as they may entangle them. The tree planting sounds wonderful, perhaps bury some lovely poems in with the roots.

I love animals, maybe more so now that I've lost my husband. They always listen and never give you bad advice.

Hugs to you and all at this difficult time of year.

Kmelli I am so sorry to hear this.  I lost my husband when I was 37, it's so shocking when we are young.  You wonder "why did this happen to us" and it's really weird because you're like, the only one of your friends to have something like that happen, it's not like when someone dies in their 80s and 90s and it's totally expected.  It really does feel like a nightmare, because it's so unreal and unexpected.  I left to go on a business trip and got a call from a friend who was checking in that my husband was in a coma and unresponsive on our sofa.  I rushed home, he lived another week but never really regained consciousness.  We did not have children but I'm sure your girls are a great comfort to you, his parents were very involved in our lives and I do not know what I would have done without them.  My father just died suddenly on November 10 of this year and I'm so grateful for my stepmother, it's hard for anyone outside of the family to really understand the true extent of your grief and shock.  But we understand it here.  

All I wanted to do was talk about my husband so I spent a ton of time with his parents and we would just talk about him all the time.  Also you've been through a shock, I had a little bit of PTSD I think, as other people here have mentioned, so I hope you can find maybe someone professional to talk to, I think it helps.  It's so weird here on the internet because everyone is kind of anonymous, but just know that we are real people who have experienced the exact same thing as you have, this group really helped me after Scott died.  I felt so alone.  I missed him so much.  I used to write him letters just to share the day to day stuff with him that I would say if he was here "I saw they had your favorite cereal on sale at Kroger" etc. etc. and just telling him how I felt.  That helped too.  

It's been a few years since my husband died and I personally had no interest in hearing from anyone who had not lost their husband recently just like me but I just want you to know that I still remember it so clearly.  I also have come around to believing that they are with us.  I believe his presence is with me and I also know that I will see him again, maybe not in the form that I remember but in some way.  This gives me a lot of comfort.  And it made the death of my dad this year easier too (he and I were super close and he died suddenly too so now I'm going through the shock and pain of that).  But you start to see in a bigger picture way that life is finite but if you believe they are still with you in some form, it seems to help.  

Sending so much love and peace to you, please, please know that you are not alone, that was one of the worst parts, feeling like a freak and no one knew what to say to me, everyone on this group has truly been there and we are with you in spirit.  We are real, we have been there and you are not alone <3 

Kmelli, I am 48, I lost Jerry pretty much the same way.  He passed away on Dec. 14th of last year.  I felt the exact same way that you feel right now.  It lasted about 5 months.  I couldn't focus on anything, for those first few months.  After 5 months, I was able to focus on small crafts to keep my mind occupied even if it was only for small amounts of time. 

Here I am one year out.  It still sucks but I do feel more "together".  I miss him.  It hurts.  However, at the year mark, I'm beginning to contemplate the rebuilding of my life, making baby steps towards a "new normal" finally.  I still have flashes of that feeling, the one that makes you feel like you want to follow him anywhere.  Life goes on, and I'm not done living so I plug on.  It's hard to see clearly in the early months Kmelli, hang in there and know you aren't alone.  It will get softer with time, and there's still laughter and joy waiting on you.  In the meantime, it's okay to feel however you feel in the moment.  Someone will always be here to listen, cry with you, curse fate, and laugh at the crazy things we miss so much about our loves. Peace and love to you.

Thank you all for your support.  I have been doing my best to get through each day (and the holidays) for my girls.  I am seeing a counselor, and I start a grief support group in March.  I am hoping that talking with others who have had the same experiences (like here) will help me to understand my grief/feelings/thoughts and help me to navigate through this new life without Tom.  I am still just in such a state of shock that it happened so quickly, out of nowhere.  I haven't felt like I have had time to fully process it.  Thank you all for your compassion and I pray for healing, love and support for each of you.

Dear Kmelli3

i haven't posted for a long time but I saw your message and my heart went out to you.

i too have been through exactly what happened to you.  My husband was 53 and died suddenly of a cardiac arrest while I was with him.  No words can take away the pain that you are going through. I lost him in 213 so it is coming up 6 years on the 4 th January. I thought I would never survive it. It all seemed so unfair. I had counselling which helped a little and I kept myself busy..I guess to try and escape the pain.  So keep seeing your counsellor..mine was wonderful and she taught me relaxation techniques and told me it was alright to cry.. I cried a river!  Having children will give you something to hang onto...spoil yourself when you can.

i know you feel you can't go on without him. ..I felt the same.  After 6 years I have begun to feel "normal" again. I don't cry as much but that doesnt mean I miss him any less..but the intense pain has gone . It's a long journey and is different for everyone..but believe me you will begin to enjoy life again one day. I hope this helps you. Hang on and focus on your children . It's early days for you..accept help from your family and friends.  Take time for you when you can..grief is exhausting . I sounds like have some good supportive friends  which is wonderful.

Dear Kate, Your experience is not so different from mine.  My husband died on Oct. 12 so I am also newly widowed and don't have much advice.  All I can say is that I have all the same feelings you do.  I cry so many times a day, and I have this desperate feeling of wanting to go back into the past, something I'd never felt or thought of before now.  My husband also had a cardiac arrest despite there being no evidence whatsoever that there was anything wrong with his heart, but my beloved also became brain dead quickly and was in a coma for a few days before his final breaths.  I never got to speak to him at all after he collapsed, he simply wasn't there, and now is nowhere....Sorry for being so morose.  The comfort I can offer is just by being someone who had the suddenly widowed experience that is so traumatic.  My husband was alone when he collapsed, barely conscious long enough to call 911 but calling did no good as they didn't get there fast enough.  

We are living in an eternal NOW right now - one day at a time without any plan for the future.  What I can recommend:  make plans.  I've planned trips for almost every month up through July.  Looking forward to those is a big help.

First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. What you are feeling is what I believe we all have felt at some point, especially in the very beginning. That is one reason I came to this site. I had family and friends who were very supportive but I needed to know that what I was feeling was "normal". After 8 months I am still overwhelmed at times by the knowledge that my anchor, my soulmate, my best friend is no longer with me in the physically state. You have a counselor and you state that you have family and friends to support you. That is so precious right now in these early stages. Be kind to yourself. Be truthful. If you are hurting or need time alone let others know it. I found solace through music (If You Only Knew is a favorite).I also joined a local Griefshare group which has helped me tremendously. Whatever it takes for you and your girls do it! This is a club no one really wants to belong to but having others who can walk the walk and talk the talk with can be helpful. Please know that I will be praying for you and your girls in the coming months.


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