At least once a day, I feel intensely frustrated & sad because my husband was exceptionally wonderful to me, and I keep wanting to give him more love and cannot believe that I can't any more. When I have these thoughts, I feel desperately unhappy and alone. I try talking to him many times a day but I can't hear him chuckle or see him smile when I tell him how much I love him. I can't help but think that he deserved more love than I gave him although I know he was happy in our marriage.
Hi KJPE, I am so sorry for you and for everyone suffering sudden loss, as I did myself. The one thing I can share with you that might help you through this particular sadness is that after losing a spouse in a good and happy marriage, you will begin to gain a deeper appreciation of what the two of you had together, and how many people in this world are on their own, or married but not happily. If he was happy in your marriage, he was happy, and much more likely than not he knew he had been lucky in life.
Thank you, Mary H. Logically I know he was happy. I can just think of many ways I could have given more. I can think of ways he was frustrated because he had a busy & tired wife. But logically I know that he considered us to be a lucky couple, and that perhaps I can accept that more easily as time goes on. Now I just want so badly to give more but he is not here.
My worst anguish comes with this thought: he deserves so much more love and I have more to give him and now I can't, no matter how much I try to convince myself that he can somehow still hear me. This thought rips me to shreds every time & time has not eased it. I knew what would make him happy and more often than I would admit to myself, I was too tired to get up and give him what made him happiest...
This feels so wrong. That he died so suddenly I never had a chance to give more to him. I'm furious with fate & with myself and hope that God can ease my anguish over this someday.
I saw a saying once... “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go” It's so true.
Awesomely wise, thank you.
I am right there with you. I get so mad at myself... I talk to him though, and sometimes I know mine is around, and others not, but I still reach for him. I need to start trying to do that with my mom too which is another story all together..What I am learning KJPE is that I, and I'm sure you did the best the best you could given your situation...and the frustration and sadness...the anger at ourselves...that is an expression of love... the unspent love that we cannot give them in this life. I believe your husband is around, and even though you can't hear him in the clutter of your mind...he's there... he knows... he loves you... and would want you to forgive yourself..It's all a part of the grieving process which will ebb and flow throughout time. Love and light to you.
Thank you, BlueRoses, I know you are right about what he would want.
I talk to my Tony all through the day. We loved to take pictures and videos. Every now and then I will watch the one of him with one of the grandbabies on his lap as the other three played foosball. Hearing his laughter and how happy he was helps to ease my sorrow. I have another one where he's getting ready to go to church and he and I are talking back and forth. The smile on his face and the joy in his voice lets me know he was happy. Our fifty years together was not always easy but we survived and came out on the side of love and happiness. He was in the hospital the day he died. I had spoken to him that morning and was preparing to go to the hospital to bring him home when I got the call saying he had taken a turn for the worse. Less than an hour after I arrived at the hospital he was gone. When I am feeling low I think of our last conversation that morning. He was so happy he was coming home and he was lovingly admonishing me to hurry up and get him. We had a wonderful life together . I know it because it was evident in the way he looked at me and in the way he held my hand. Yes, there are times when I say I could have done that better or I wish I had said I love you more.....but I am confident he loved the life we shared together. Cherish the good times.
I feel this way often, I think I am going to call it my road of regrets, I suspect most of us have them. I am trying not to drive down it to much, lately I have been making a u-turn and thinking about all the things I did do that made my wife happy in our life. It works for me, sometimes.
Thank you, pricytapestry. These days I think less about regrets. I so miss this layer of happiness that undergirded my life when we were together. Today, I re-experienced all the grief, anger about his sudden death, etc. as though it had happened last week. I just wonder why this grief comes back like a tidal wave & I have to go back through it all again.
Thanks for checking in. I so appreciate you & everyone on this site for offering support, encouragement, and uplifting advice.
You can still give him love. I do with Bill. It's just different not feeling the love back that they gave us.