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My husband was 46 and died suddenly.  We thought he had the flu, took him to doctors Thursday and she thought the same. On Friday he had stomach pains so took him back to the doctors where he was admitted to hospital. We then found out he had leukaemia, his kidneys were failing and thenon Saturday he suffered a cardiac arrest and was gone.  My whole world fell apart at 5,59pm 21st July.  We have 2 children 8 & 11 and the heartbreak of telling them their daddy is in heaven was incredibly painful.  It’s now been 3 months and I feel at times I go backwards. Some days I cope, I have to go on for the kids when all I want to do is lock myself away in my room. People have been great, yet it seems now it’s been a few months, some seem to think that life should be normal for me again.  Life will never be normal, i lost my soul mate and all I hear is - life goes on, you are strong, you got to get out and do things etc, etc. it’s funny when people ask you how you are going, but don’t really want to know and are not really listening anymore. I get so jealous and sad when I see families/couples together I can’t even watch romantic movies or family programs at the moment. I cry randomly anywhere, anytime, and feel emotionally drained by the end of the day.  I’m so angry at him as well for leaving us and not taking care of himself, he always ignored his health and kept going.  I also feel so guilty that I wasn’t at the hospital when he suffered the heart attack as I had just left the hospital for a couple of hours, he was getting treatment for the leukaemia at this stage and the doctors said he would just sleep while the machine was purifying his blood,  I just had no clue he wouldn’t survive and the guilt eats away at me, that he was alone. 

My kids have been amazing and my daughter who is 11 and daddy’s girl is an inspiration.  She has her bad days but she always says to me, daddy wouldn’t want me to be crying all the time, he is with me and wants me to be strong. 

Yes life goes on, but sadly this life feels lonely, empty and I can’t even think about my future anymore.

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Replies to This Discussion

Lal68, I am so very sorry for your loss. What you have gone through is a terrible shock to your system. Don't feel as if you have to keep anything together for others. You are at the stage where you have to do what is takes to get through the day. There are no rules. If all you can serve for dinner is hot dogs, then so be it. It will get better and you'll feel better able to cope, but for now use your survival skills.

Grief is exhausting and it burns tremendous energy. Your routine needs to change with it. Over time, it will be a new routine and will become more tolerable.

You are so right about others. It is as if the earth continues to rotate on its axis, but you are standing still. Life goes on for others and meanwhile you feel as if the whole world has permanently changed...and for you, it has.

If you know any other widows, seek them out. It doesn't matter what age they are. They absolutely know what you are going through and can be a comfort to you.

Sending you big hugs. Also for your kids.

Thank you Tess, your words are comforting.  You are so right grief is exhausting and I have to learn to be kind to myself and make life easier.  Not looking forward to Xmas but will try and make it a special day for the kids as we all loved Xmas time as a family.  My husbands birthday was on New Year’s Day, so not sure what I’m going to do, will maybe get my daughter to make a cake and have a special ‘party’ for him.

Big hugs back xx

Tess had so many pearls of wisdom that I can’t add much; I just want to let you know you are not alone. Only those of us whose spouses have died suddenly—my dear Gary died in 2014 at age 65 of sudden cardiac arrest—can fully understand the enormity of what this does to a person. Think of yourself as being in an emotional ICU regardless of what the world is telling you. I found the Widowed Village “Suddenly Widowed” message board and the work of Megan Devine, a psychotherapist whose partner drowned just short of his 40th birthday (https://www.refugeingrief.com/life-gone-sideways/) to be lifelines that kept me from going totally under. Wishing you comfort and understanding. 

Anne

thank you Anne, being suddenly widowed is such a shock to the system as you have no clue that it’s going to happen.  I agree this widow village has been a big help as you know you are not alone, and they way I’m feeling, others are feeling the same.  Noone judges and there has been great advice to use.  Thanks for the link and look forward to reading it.  Take care, and hope you are going along the best that you can. Xx

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