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I hit the 6-month mark this past Tuesday. As expected, it was very sad and emotional for me. I took off from work Tuesday and Wednesday because I just could not face the world. My daughter did take me to lunch on Tuesday, which was a nice distraction, but as always, as soon as I returned home, the wave of sadness was back, and so were the tears. I did some painting in our living room on Wednesday, because sooner rather than later I will need to sell our home.  

This may sound ridiculous, but it was on this day that I realized that I never thought Don was capable of dying. He was always my hero, my pillar of strength, so I didn't think there was anything that would take him down, especially at 56. And then even if something did take him down, I foolishly thought I could save him. But six months later, here I am, a widow in an empty nest. I still have trouble absorbing the cruel reality of it all. I think maybe this is a kindness of nature, because I could never have handled of brutality of it all at once.  

We had known each other since we were kids. He lived a few blocks away from me. We got married, had two beautiful children, and two adorable granddaughters. I didn't know where I stopped and he began, and he didn't know where he stopped and I began. When he died, he took a part of me with him that I will never get back. But that's okay, I don't want it back. I want him to have it forever. 

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Crabby, your post brought me to tears. I am sorry that you need to have this unhappy mark that you just reached. It sounds as if you both grew up together. I feel that way about my husband too. It is hard when a part of who you are is gone. There is an absence that is unable to be filled.

What you said about wanting him to have the part of you he took with him touched me so much. I am sure he is cherishing that part of you both and holding it until you both meet again. I have to believe that we will see our soulmates again and share the love we once had. Take care.

Thank you Tess. Yes, there is an absence that cannot be filled by anyone else. I can be surrounded by people but still feel totally alone.

Hi crabby i lost my love almost one year ago and i'm still grievin' i'm still crying i'm still want him back...as you i'm feeling alone surrounded by people...and i'll hope to less this pain in my heart 'cos i feel so unhappy...but i don't know how to do it!!! It's so hard...really hard...i'm missing him day and night...ciao Roxi

I can totally identify with not thinking he was capable of dying. It will be a year for me in March and I look back with the same thoughts. We had discussed final preps, even had all the paper work done. I don't think either of us actually thought our time would pass us by. Even on his last day I expected him to open his eyes and ask "What's going on", but it never came. We were a part of each other for 49 years, married 43, and I never expected to turn around and find him gone physically. He will never be gone totally as daily the videos in my mind play. This month is our wedding anniversary, next month his death, going from my highest high to my lowest low. I find myself having a hard time saying "widow"and avoid it as much as possible. Not sure when I'll be able to address that. One thing at a time. God Bless

I also have a hard time using the word "widow." It really brings home the devastation that hit my life 6 months ago. But sometimes when part of me is still in disbelief, I say it out loud - you are a widow, your husband died. Yes, this happened to you.

Dear Crabby, your post really touched my heart today. I’ve been fortunate to share thoughts on this site for four years and all of you who post your thoughts and feelings have blessed my life in some tough moments. We’re here for you as long as you need us.

@crabby 

 "When he died, he took a part of me with him that I will never get back. But that's okay, I don't want it back. I want him to have it forever. "

That's one of the sweetest things I've read.  Hugs Crabby.

Dear Crabby, Thank you for your post.  Your experience is so much like mine.  Whenever I'm home alone I cry a lot.  I am also so aware now of how much Greg was a part of me.  Your thought - "I don't want it back. I want him to have it forever. "  is so positive that I am trying it on for myself.  That part of me that was Greg's alone can still be Greg's alone and that's a positive thing.  It gives me a new way of thinking about it.  It also helped me to see that part of what I am grieving is that part of myself that was Greg's.  And that everything that I am grieving was gifts, including the goofy way I used to interact with him.

@Crabby

Dear Crabby, Thank you for your post.  Your experience is so much like mine.  Whenever I'm home alone I cry a lot.  I am also so aware now of how much Greg was a part of me.  Your thought - "I don't want it back. I want him to have it forever. "  is so positive that I am trying it on for myself.  That part of me that was Greg's alone can still be Greg's alone and that's a positive thing.  It gives me a new way of thinking about it.  It also helped me to see that part of what I am grieving is that part of myself that was Greg's.  And that everything that I am grieving was gifts, including the goofy way I used to interact with him.

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