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 Reading through some of these posts is so sad. My husband, Bill, passed away August 12 of this year. He was not I’ll, Vegan, avid workouts, didn’t drink, didn’t smoke... nothing that should make him die. It was a Sunday. We had spent our morning in church. That was always a special time because neither of us was distracted. He worked in the yard that day and went for his run. He came back and sat on the deck which he never does. I asked if he was ok and he responded that he didn’t feel good. I gave him some water thinking he was dehydrated. Eventually he came in a laid on the bed. I went about my normal stuff figuring he’d say something if he needed me. About 11 I went in to go to bed and he said he would sleep in the spare room so as not to keep me awake. Again he said he felt really crappy. I asked how exactly... do you have chest pains? He said no, it was his stomach. I SO regret not pushing it further. When I went upstairs the next morning he was already cold. As someone else mentioned I didn’t sleep well that not and literally thought to myself, what would I do if he died? 

It was like I knew! I wonder if he did? The coroner suggested that’s why he went upstairs. My question is then why didn’t we call 911?? Sorry, I know I’m venting. It’s week 5 and I can’t seem to sleep much. So emotions are pretty high.

thanks for letting me melt down.

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Replies to This Discussion

ohh, Jules, I'm so sorry for how suddenly and unexpectedly your husband died, and for how you re feeling right now.  I'm not sure I think it was a very kind thing of the coroner to suggest that your husband knew, and went upstairs. He was probably just feeling really awful (did he have an aortic rupture or abdominal aneurysm or what? His stomach was what was hurting, you mention).   It's so easy in retrospect to think what should have been done, but we never expect such a dire circumstance, and we jjust do the best we can moment t moment...

At only five weeks past your loss, you are in shock and bewilderment, hoping to find meaning or reason where there is none. It will not always feel so badly as it does right now.  I hope you are able to feel some comfort and solace from your husband from time to time, some ways that he 'comes through' and gives you the tender love and consolation you need.  God bless you!

Oh, Jules! I'm so terribly, terribly sorry. Throughout a marriage, one spouse or the other feels crappy dozens of times and it passes. The circumstances would be exactly as you described your husband's last day, except everything would be better in the morning. You would have no reason to assume otherwise. There were no red flags. You didn't miss anything. Your husband had a stomach ache and went to bed. Nothing unusual there.

I know it's almost impossible to do, but try not to overthink it. There was nothing you could have done differently.

Now you need to be good to yourself. After my husband died suddenly, I felt as if I'd been in a terrible accident. I had to make myself eat and drink and bathe and sleep. I did not function well for the first few months, and that was okay. I was okay. I was okay, but I was a mess at the same time.

You'll be okay too. Please keep talking to us here. The people here saved me more than once. We get it. We understand. Any time you want to talk, somebody will be here. Do you have family or friends nearby? When people offer to help, let them.

My heart goes out to you, Jules. I wish you comfort, peace, and healing.

~Melissa

Jules, I have said the serenity prayer over and over and over, and that is and has helped me with regards to the second guessing.

God grant me the serenity to accept the the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  

It's that wisdom thing I keep getting hung up on. ;)

Jules, it is so very hard and I am so sorry.  I am at two months today and my heart is still shattered. 

I agree with Nance that although your coroner probably meant well, it is hard to believe there is any validity to the comment, and no comfort.  All of the self-doubt and questioning sounds like it is eating you up and that is such a heavy burden to carry.  I too, replay it over in my mind and keep wondering if I could have done something to change the outcome.  I suppose it is my desperate attempt to try and avoid accepting his death or that I had some power to hit a reset button.   I still keep thinking about that line from a grief book, "I feel like and untethered balloon."  

I have started seeing a counselor and that has helped - actually she has been an anchor for me right now.  She recommended the following book, "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Copy and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One by Brook and Blair.  One of the books that I stumbled on which I just keep picking up over and over is Dancing in Two Realms: A Love Story Between Death.  Gary Roe has written some good ones too.  I keep trying to find answers and comfort - and they have helped.  Megan Devine has some great FB and website stuff, too.  Trying to find the one that spoke to me, or provided me with comfort was the tough part because there are a lot out there.

I feel so homesick right now.  Your "venting" helped me know I am not alone, so thank you for being courageous enough to share.

My heart breaks for you!!  I assume it was his heart that failed him.  Like you I'm sure I would have thought nothing of it in the absence of chest/left side pain.  Stomach??  Sounds like a 24 hour flu.  Truly!  I'm so sorry.  My husband also died very suddenly from a cardiac arrest, no warning.  Keep posting here, we all want to support you, and send hugs & prayers for your peace of mind.

Jules, 

Sorry for your sudden loss. It’s hard not to feel guilty and we can all say you shouldn’t beat yourself up but we still question what happened and why. Losing someone we love dearly is the hardest journey we take, everyone on this site can attest to that. Everything is still very fresh and raw for you, feel free to vent and read the comments/ postings they help just knowing you are not alone.  No one truly understands our heartache and pain until they have lost a loved one themselves, here on widowed village we feel and know your pain. Take care of yourself 

It happened the same way with my husband. He went to sleep on the sofa so he doesnt wake me up and in the morning I found him dead. He was dead for around 6 hours.

Two nights before we were laying in  bed and his heart was heating so hard and with long breaks, I thought to myself, this heart sounds like it could stop any second... and my husband also said: thats my heart, and im sure he thought the sme thing i thought, yet none if ys say: lets go to emergency. We just sat ghere like two idiots. This was Saturday evening. Sunday night he died.

just like you, im out of my mind with pain, safness and regret.

My husband was 52 years old and i am 35. Can i ask how old your husband is/was?

Hugs.

Just came across this discussion post. Roxana,I am about your age and my significant other was quite a bit older, like y’all. He passed away on 9/1 after about a 3 week battle with some medical issues in the ICU, which I consider a sudden death because the seriousness of the situation was totally unexpected until  the last day or 2. We kept thinking he would get better. Although I was there pretty much every single second except for going home to sleep (so I wouldn’t go deleterious and get kicked out of the hospital ;), I struggle with how much he knew at the end, was he scared, did he feel safe,  and know they  I almost never let go of his hand?! Anyway,  wanted to say that I was looking at y’alls book suggestions and decided to try “I Wasn’t Ready to Say Gooodbye.”  Just started, but it seems good so far? 

Ohh, Jules, I'm so sorry for your loss. I do understand. My husband died suddenly from a cardiac arrest 8-20-18. Tom was fine when I left for a 30 minute errand. I found him on our bathroom floor, his phone with him. I do know most of these events are catastrophic, sudden. He also had weird stomach issues for a few months prior, and insisted very loudly that it was not his heart. 

Read "It's ok You're not ok" by Megan Devine. On YouTube -Ted talks are many good videos on death of a spouse.-- Nora McInerny- We don't move on from grief,  Norah Casey- The cure for Grief are just 2 that are good.

google Julie Samuel and the Youtube videos that are fantastic are "what is grief" and "The power of pain- the bereavement expert"

whatsyourgrief.com is a great site to read numerous articles. One I love is " grieving the death of a spouse or significant other" 

I have been with my bereavement expert for a year now. Last month, my session I had to hold a large crystal rock.(She always has props to hold to symbolize things in grief)  Why? Grief is heavy--like the rock, Grief is not smooth--like the rock,  Grief has many layers-- like the rock, Grief comes and goes-- like the up and down ridges of the rock. In July it was a peacock feather. Why? I had to balance it on the first finger of my dominate hand, then on the first finger of my other hand. On my non dominate hand it was difficult, almost impossible to accomplish. She said but yes this is your journey as a widow, and with time and practice you would be able to balance the feather, the same way this journey is for you now. It just takes time. 

I learned this acronym BREATHE

B-- be kind to yourself    R--respect your body by not overindulging in drugs, alcohol, bad foods, and getting enough sleep, and moving around a little everyday

E--engage with others in big and small ways, talking, walking, or just being present. Just try not to self isolate   A-- allow your emotions to ebb and flow, don't run from them. Expect that grief emotions will bubble up, their intensity will rise and they will wash over you and recede

T--take life one minute, hour, or day at a time. The enormity of what it means to live without your husband is overwhelming, but coping with grief happens bit-by-bit, and day-by-day  H--allow yourself space and time to remember, honor, and connect with his memory  E--your critical voice has a lot of expectations about what grief should be like, and how you should cope. You need to remember there are very few "shoulds" when it comes to coping with grief. Everyone copes in their own way and at their own pace.  Just last week I had another thought. Tom and I were anchors for each other. My anchor is gone and I feel like I'm adrift, in this new life. Slowly, ever so slowly, moving with and through the pain and sorrow of his death. I feel it will take the rest of my life, but thats ok. That validates my love for him

I wish you comfort, peace, and someday some sleep

Hugs

jlsrdh

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