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 Reading through some of these posts is so sad. My husband, Bill, passed away August 12 of this year. He was not I’ll, Vegan, avid workouts, didn’t drink, didn’t smoke... nothing that should make him die. It was a Sunday. We had spent our morning in church. That was always a special time because neither of us was distracted. He worked in the yard that day and went for his run. He came back and sat on the deck which he never does. I asked if he was ok and he responded that he didn’t feel good. I gave him some water thinking he was dehydrated. Eventually he came in a laid on the bed. I went about my normal stuff figuring he’d say something if he needed me. About 11 I went in to go to bed and he said he would sleep in the spare room so as not to keep me awake. Again he said he felt really crappy. I asked how exactly... do you have chest pains? He said no, it was his stomach. I SO regret not pushing it further. When I went upstairs the next morning he was already cold. As someone else mentioned I didn’t sleep well that not and literally thought to myself, what would I do if he died? 

It was like I knew! I wonder if he did? The coroner suggested that’s why he went upstairs. My question is then why didn’t we call 911?? Sorry, I know I’m venting. It’s week 5 and I can’t seem to sleep much. So emotions are pretty high.

thanks for letting me melt down.

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Replies to This Discussion

My husband was 64. He had retired in October and was just learning and planning the next part of our life.  So sorry you had to go through this at such a young age.. Actually at any age.

Just came across this discussion post. Roxana,I am about your age and my significant other was quite a bit older, like y’all. He passed away on 9/1 after about a 3 week battle with some medical issues in the ICU, which I consider a sudden death because the seriousness of the situation was totally unexpected until  the last day or 2. We kept thinking he would get better. Although I was there pretty much every single second except for going home to sleep (so I wouldn’t go deleterious and get kicked out of the hospital ;), I struggle with how much he knew at the end, was he scared, did he feel safe,  and know they  I almost never let go of his hand?! Anyway,  wanted to say that I was looking at y’alls book suggestions and decided to try “I Wasn’t Ready to Say Gooodbye.”  Just started, but it seems good so far? 

I just started reading that book also! We’ll have to discuss when we’re done. Right now it’s hard to read because nothing sinks in.

Ohh, Jules, I'm so sorry for your loss. I do understand. My husband died suddenly from a cardiac arrest 8-20-18. Tom was fine when I left for a 30 minute errand. I found him on our bathroom floor, his phone with him. I do know most of these events are catastrophic, sudden. He also had weird stomach issues for a few months prior, and insisted very loudly that it was not his heart. 

Read "It's ok You're not ok" by Megan Devine. On YouTube -Ted talks are many good videos on death of a spouse.-- Nora McInerny- We don't move on from grief,  Norah Casey- The cure for Grief are just 2 that are good.

google Julie Samuel and the Youtube videos that are fantastic are "what is grief" and "The power of pain- the bereavement expert"

whatsyourgrief.com is a great site to read numerous articles. One I love is " grieving the death of a spouse or significant other" 

I have been with my bereavement expert for a year now. Last month, my session I had to hold a large crystal rock.(She always has props to hold to symbolize things in grief)  Why? Grief is heavy--like the rock, Grief is not smooth--like the rock,  Grief has many layers-- like the rock, Grief comes and goes-- like the up and down ridges of the rock. In July it was a peacock feather. Why? I had to balance it on the first finger of my dominate hand, then on the first finger of my other hand. On my non dominate hand it was difficult, almost impossible to accomplish. She said but yes this is your journey as a widow, and with time and practice you would be able to balance the feather, the same way this journey is for you now. It just takes time. 

I learned this acronym BREATHE

B-- be kind to yourself    R--respect your body by not overindulging in drugs, alcohol, bad foods, and getting enough sleep, and moving around a little everyday

E--engage with others in big and small ways, talking, walking, or just being present. Just try not to self isolate   A-- allow your emotions to ebb and flow, don't run from them. Expect that grief emotions will bubble up, their intensity will rise and they will wash over you and recede

T--take life one minute, hour, or day at a time. The enormity of what it means to live without your husband is overwhelming, but coping with grief happens bit-by-bit, and day-by-day  H--allow yourself space and time to remember, honor, and connect with his memory  E--your critical voice has a lot of expectations about what grief should be like, and how you should cope. You need to remember there are very few "shoulds" when it comes to coping with grief. Everyone copes in their own way and at their own pace.  Just last week I had another thought. Tom and I were anchors for each other. My anchor is gone and I feel like I'm adrift, in this new life. Slowly, ever so slowly, moving with and through the pain and sorrow of his death. I feel it will take the rest of my life, but thats ok. That validates my love for him

I wish you comfort, peace, and someday some sleep

Hugs

jlsrdh

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I’m hoping that after a year I’ll be as strong as you sound. I am going to a Grief Share group weekly but being able to communicate with you and others like you has been so helpful.Thank you so much for all your suggestions! I will definitely check these out. 

J

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