September 13, 2018 was like any other day, he worked out at the gym doing strength training like he had for the last three years. He picked up dinner on the way home steak and cheese hoagies. It was a Thursday so he had football on and we just played on our iPads. Went to bed around 10 PM and I woke up just before midnight because he was making a sound and I thought he was having a bad dream. He was unconscious and I couldn't wake him up so I had to call 911 who in turn made me drag him onto the floor and do chest compressions until paramedics arrived. They drug him out into the living room and worked on him for probably close to 30 minutes before they came back into the bedroom to tell me there was nothing else they could do and he had never regained consciousness. Most likely sudden cardiac arrest. I retired Fire Chief friend told me the noise he was making was probably snoring respirations and that he was most likely already passed when I woke up. He said it's a noise that your body makes after you pass away and it's basically deflating like a balloon. Since he passed away at home we had to wait for the police to come and then they had to take pictures etc. he laid on my floor with yellow plastic covering him except for his hands were hanging out on each side. They didn't pick up the body until close to 4 AM. It's still very surreal to me and I still can't wrap my head around it I feel like I'm still numb and in shock. I find myself purposely not thinking about him so I don't have to deal with it. I can't even cry.
My heart goes out to you. My story is very, very similar to yours except it happened in March of 2014. You are indeed in a state of shock. If you are anything like me, you will only realize how much shock you are in many months from now. Go really, really easy on yourself and just do what you need to do.
Only those of us whose spouses and futures disappeared in an instant can fully understand what becoming suddenly widowed does to a person. I hope you can find one or two other women in your area who have gone through what you are going through.
Getting together with a suddenly widowed neighbor, reading the Widowed Village “Suddenly Widowed” message board, and the work of Megan Devine, a psychotherapist whose partner drowned just short of his 40th birthday (https://www.refugeingrief.com/life-gone-sideways/) were the lifelines that kept me from going totally under.
Wishing you comfort and understanding.
I'm actually reading her book right now
Peacefrog, I also understand your pain. My husband also suffered a heart attack on 8/20/18 while I was gone for 30 minutes. I found him on the floor. So I also had police here along with all the other people, fire, paramedics. I don’t think anyone can navigate the complex emotions of grief without help. I found a great grief counselor a week after he died. I could not do a group setting, I needed it to be just me. It has helped me a lot, and I just transitioned from every week ( I went 11 weeks in a row) to twice a month for November and December. Next year I’ll join her group session which is once a month. Non of it is easy. It’s lots of hard decussions about anger, sadness, guilt, lonely,anxious, shock, feeling numb. These are just some of what you may experience. I had all of these, some I still do.
ive read a few good books and I highly recommend “it’s ok you’re not ok” by Megan Devine. Its great for those in I think the first year of grief. It validated so may things I had thought or experienced the first month or so after his death. Like grief in the grief grocery store, what she wrote I had experienced. I told my grief counselor I was glad no one knew me here and that I was Anonymous when I shopped. Then I read It in her book. Validated I was not crazy in my thoughts while I walked around the grocery store with my sunglasses on so no one could see me crying. Yep, still do a lot of that. I’ve read when you don’t cry it’s because your pain is really deep. I need to talk about him, your life together. Yes it is now changed forever, but not forgotten. Honor him.
I'm currently reading that book right now. I just feel guilty that I can't grieve properly I can't even cry and then I worry that it's going to hit me like a ton bricks when I least expect it down the road
Peacefrog, In the grief books I’ve read some people cry others don’t. They are both ok. In 07 my husbands cousin died. His wife never cried and was able to speak at his funeral. So, now 11 years later when we talked after Tom died she told me she NEVER cried over his death ever. It was buried so deep. BUT a month after Tom died her dog died, the dog she got when Ron died. Now, she told me she goes into like her closet and totally has heart wrenching sobs. So, I asked my grief counselor about it. It’s simple she said, the dog was with her through those tough years after his death. Her company, who she talked to. She subconsciously ties the dog to Ron and his death, so now she is grieving and crying for both. Everyone experiences grief and sorrow differently. It’s as different as your love for your husband. There is no right or wrong with how YOU process your grief. It may hit you like a ton of bricks later, it may not. I cry on and off a lot. Sometimes it just hits me with a certain thought about him. I just asked my grief counselor when this will stop. Never she said, it just lessons. Certain songs, tv shows, things that are every day occurrences can cause me to suddenly breakdown. This may last forever my counselor told me too.
I wish for you all my thoughts and prayers. Remember there is no correct way to process your grief, it’s as individual as you.
I am so sorry that you have joined our "Club." But here is the place you should be. Six years ago, I lost my wife the love of my life, my best friend, and lover of 35 years, one Sunday night. She went to sleep Sunday night and did not wake up Monday morning. I was told she had a Silent Heart Attack.
With no inkling, no chance to say good bye, just suddenly as if by some sudden bomb, the love of our lives is gone! It's like one minute they are there, and the next second, gone forever, leaving us with no notice. It sucks the air right out of us.
We will all support you when you need support and encourage you when you need encouragement, and in time, we will laugh with you when you are laughing.
This website is very confusing there's forums groups blogs but whatever I seem to land I don't find anything recent it's mostly stuff from years ago I'd like to connect with people and topics that are current
Peacefrog I am so, so sorry. My husband went into a coma suddenly in 2013 and died a week later. I was definitely in shock, and it took me about 6 months to come out of it. I just lost my dad very suddenly on Saturday night (he had been sick but we had no idea he was about to die). Fortunately my aunt was with him and it was very fast, but same thing, paramedics, police, etc. because he died at home. I have been feeling a lot of the same feelings I felt after Scott died this week, and I dread going through it all again. You always think back to what you wish you had done or said, even though I believe that as humans, we are not equipped to truly "treat every day as though it may be someone's last." We're just not that spiritual and life gets in the way. So please don't feel any guilt, I know both my husband and my dad knew how much I loved them. Not everyone gets to die peacefully in a hospital and the added shock and trauma of a home death makes it all even worse, it's haunting. You are not alone, and you will get through. Just know that even though we are all anonymous here on the internet, we are real people dealing with the same real grief and that someone, somewhere is feeling exactly the same way that you do. Lifting you up in prayer from someone who has been there and is there again. Peace and love to you today.
((Peacefrog)) I'm so sorry. My experience is very similar to yours as well. It took about 5 months before I felt human again.
Peacefrog, my heart goes out to you. I'm so terribly sorry you have to be here.
It's all so surreal to be having a normal day, and in a second your whole life will never be the same. For me, it was a Tuesday afternoon. My husband and I both worked from home, and we would meet for coffee in the kitchen at 2:00 pm. Just a little ritual we had.
The last words I exchanged with my husband were, "Could you proofread this email for me? Tell me what you think?" Not, "You are and always have been the love of my life, and I have cherished our time together. I don't want you to leave me. We have so many plans; so many things still left to do."
I found him on the floor of his home office when he didn't meet me for coffee in the kitchen. He'd had a massive stroke. He was still alive and lived for thirteen days, most of them in a coma. Now that I've been through the first anniversary, the day I found him is the day of death for me. The day the death certificate lists means nothing. The love of my life was gone that Tuesday afternoon.
You are still numb and in shock, and you will be for some time. I feel that I am just now starting to feel more "normal", whatever that means now. Keep talking to us. People who have not experienced this can't be expected to understand, and they are frightened. If it can happen to you, it can happen to them. We get it, and this is a safe place.
I wish you peace in your sorrow.
(((Melissa))) I can see where in your mind the dod would be the day you found him. My heart broke reading your story.
Thank you, Rainy. My heart breaks for us all.
Take care, and I wish you comfort and peace.