Suddenly widowed

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Comment by chris on December 18, 2011 at 8:20pm

Crying. Some people find comfort in turning to God, others don't. For many people death triggers a crisis of faith: some people get closer to God, others walk away from him/her. I've seen both.

C. S. Lewis (of Narnia fame) lost his wife to cancer. In his short book "A Grief Observed" he talks about his anger towards God, asking why would God do this to him. I believe he even calls God the "Great Sadist". So if C. S. Lewis had these same questions then I think you're in pretty good company. Eventually Lewis resolved the issue for himself. I don't agree (or understand) his conclusion, but that's okay. It worked for him and I'm glad for that.

I've had Christians, Muslims, and Hindus give me words of religious comfort. I take them all as verbal hugs and try not to dig into their meaning too much.

Keep breathing and hugs.

Comment by Barbara on December 18, 2011 at 5:53pm

Crying so very true.... It's hard to understand Why our loved ones were taken from us. Remember you have all of us here walking this journey with you... I still feel I'm taking a few steps back, but I tell myself it's ok as long as I continue to take afew forward. 

Comment by aj21 on December 18, 2011 at 1:29pm

I just wanted to thank everyone that has welcomed me. It took me three or so years to find a community that really understands, and by really that, I mean understanding and honoring ALL of the facets of grief, not just the socially appropriate ones. Thank you for being here, all of you - although I wish our circumstances didn't warrant membership. 

Comment by Susan B on December 18, 2011 at 12:19pm

Letha, you are absolutely right about how hurtful it is to have your spouse forgotten and to be neglected yourself. I'd love to see Oprah,  or someone similarly in the public eye, do a national Compassion Campaign about how to support those in our communities who are suffering losses. No one is taught by parental/community example this indispensable human service these days.

I am lucky to have a handful of gal friends who do keep me 'in the loop'. but I have only one male friend, Keith's go-to buddy, who has honored Keith's request to help out and be an advisor to me. The rest, well, they have their own lives, I guess.

Yesterday, I had the amazing fortune to meet a kind man through business, who is helping me get my roofing contractor to honor his contract. He is a property manager himself and deals with contractor "forgetfullness' all the time. He suggested different ways to reach the man, and it worked. Roofer has promised to come Monday to finish the last little bits of the job. My new friend went out of his way to help me, and it has restored some of my faith in people. I hope I can return the favor, or pass it forward.

All I can say is Hang In There, and be open to new helping friendships.

Comment by crying on December 18, 2011 at 9:12am

Thank you peaches.  I have had many people tell me to rely on God.  I was never much of a church goer.  My sister very much is.  i just can't get past the block of why would he make my life this miserable, and then  i am suppose to turn to him for help..He shouldn't of done this to me.  I had a great marriage, we were good people..we helped people..were did my life go wrong that I now get this much pain and misery for doing nothing wrong but loving a man?

Comment by peaches777 on December 18, 2011 at 1:05am

Hi, crying, I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time of it, I can't tell you when the constant pain goes away , it is different for everyone, it does ease though, I still have my days but they are not near as many, when you have all the stress that you do it makes it harder, the first 9 years I was in a battle for dic and won that in 2010, now I dont have as much stress, but holidays are still hard for me, I really feel for you and your pain, when I was in my journey and it had been 15 months I cried constantly, I didn't react to things very well, I have to rely on God to get me through. If there is anything I can do please let me know, you are in my prayers, send me a message if you want , I will answer

Comment by crying on December 17, 2011 at 7:27pm

Hi peaches..when does the constent pain go away that your insides are bleeding out.  I'm 15 months now and there hasn't been a day I haven't cried, a day I haven't felt pain or a day I want to keep going.  My husband was 47 heart attack in the house.  This year is worse then last the money is almost gone, house in foreclouser and i know he isn't resting, because he would of never wanted this. He told me i would be taken care of his mother wasn't and he never forgave his father for that.  Well two beautiful houses not worth anything..we were banking on realestate.  4 years ago one was worth close to a million dollars, now I am told maybe 300,000.  I can't breath..working three jobs yet still drowning..and so tired that is why I also cry.  i need reason why would god do this to me and my son.  Bad enough to take my husband but I lost my houses, sold his car, lost my job and well we all know what friends did to us.  How much can one person handle?  how and when can this ever get better...I see no light

Comment by peaches777 on December 17, 2011 at 1:48pm

Hi, I have been a widow for a long time, ten years to be exact, things get easier as time goes on, holidays are always a little difficult, some years better than others, this year seems to be harder dont know exactly why , it is just the way it is sometimes, my heart goes out to all of you that have lost your spouse , it is a hard thing when you lose your husband or wife, hope I can be of some help to those here

Comment by greyeyes10 on December 17, 2011 at 1:27pm

@aj: No need to feel guilty. You didn't do anything wrong. You are just as in this as the rest. I feel my husband and his parents caused his death, and I have a lot of anger towards him, and both of them over it. You really shouldn't feel guilty at all.

Comment by aj21 on December 17, 2011 at 10:58am

I am so sorry for the everyone who lost their loved one suddenly or for that matter at all. I feel guilty because although my husband died suddenly, he died by his own hand. And I feel guilty especially because people are fighting for their lives everyday and Matt threw his away, (insert curse word here).

Today is his birthday. He would have been 36. It's uncanny, because today December 17th holds more confusion, anger, frustration and sorrow than any other day in the year for me, even Matt's death date. Because this is the time that I would be celebrating his life. A date that is so confusing because he choose to end his life, not celebrate it. So I feel so torn between honor and anger. Both would be recognized I know, although honor is a far more acceptable (public) acknowledgment for his birthday than reminding myself or others of the fact that he killed himself.

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