Suddenly widowed

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Comment by lorioc42 on February 27, 2012 at 11:07pm

I'm still Matt's wife... It's funny.... all day long I've been thinking that I had to get on here and say somewhat the same thing you said, and that is:  I want to thank you all.  Even though I'm not on everyday and don't always participate in conversation, I feel the support that you all give.  I feel the love of you all as I go through my days and nights alone.  I hope you all can feel those positive thoughts I send out to you all as well - the love, the hugs and the care I feel toward all of you.  {{{HUGS}}} and peace to you all!!!
 

Comment by smit09 on February 27, 2012 at 10:09pm

agweed:I definitely know exactly what you mean, when you say you had no idea that would be the last day you saw your husband alive! the morning of sept 25, i had NO clue it would be the last day I saw mine. It was early sunday morning, and he was leaving for work. I was laying in bed, lazy, tired and 8 months pregnant. I got up with him every morning and made his lunch and kissed him good day,...that morning was different. I made his lunch the night before and thought I was ahead of the game... to this day I wish I had gotten up with him.. I may have delayed the accident.  A few seconds would have made all the difference in the world.  Instead I heard his truck leave the drive way, and I got a call an hour later. 

Black Lotus: Sorry that you are dealing with the negative comments from people. They are so ignorant to the facts, and there's nothing you can do about people's stupid opinions. truly sorry.  You are doing the righteous thing with your son in letting him know who his daddy truly is. & I drive past my husbands collision intersection every time I need to leave the house...& the marks are still in the yard (5 mos later). Totally sucks to have those reminders. 

We do not have to accept the death of our spouse, bc some things in life are just unacceptable and sometimes cannot be explained...but we have to understand that death is beyond our control and its not our fault. Peace & healing to us all. 

Comment by Christin on February 27, 2012 at 8:09pm

To all of you ladies:

We all have a common thread - that our husbands died.  I appreiciate reading each and every post.  You ladies help me get through each day.  You all keep me going knowing that I'm not alone with this pain that I feel. I am so thankful that I found this board.  I may not post much - I'm a super busy bee, but your posts are read and you are all in my thoughts and prayers.  God bless each and every one of you.

 

Comment by widow@34 on February 27, 2012 at 8:00pm

shakyground, I can feel your pain, i wasnt sure about posting my story because i have been so ashamed about how that night went, but i thought about it and said what if there is someone else out their dealing with the same demons. Maybe someone ghelse will find comfort that they to are not alone. I think you should talk about it, you have to get it out or it will consume you. If you ever want to talk send me a private email or message. God knows we all make mistakes, something im dealing with right now. Its so hard to forgive ourselves, im just now trying to learn how. that is one of the wonderful qualities my James had, me on the otherhand have been trying to learn this. I wish us all peace. As everyone has told me, you did the best you could, its hard for me to accept those words but there is truth in it.

Comment by Wendy on February 27, 2012 at 6:39pm

P.S.  I just happened upon this article, and reading the stats on CPR were pretty interesting:  http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203918304577243321242...

Comment by Wendy on February 27, 2012 at 6:38pm

Everyone new -- I'm so sorry.  I hate reading about the guilt we feel as survivors, because I know it all too well.  My Brian wasn't feeling well the night before he died.  He threw up about midnight and just didn't feel well.  The next morning, he was having some tightness in his chest and trouble breathing.  We thought he was coming down with a cold, or maybe pneumonia.  He got up around 7 am to go to the bathroom, and just collapsed.  He was gone instantly, I think.  I called 911 right away, and I also had those, "Oh no, the place is mess and he's not wearing clothes" thoughts that don't really matter.  They instructed me to start chest compressions, and at first I told them I couldn't because he was laying face down and I couldn't turn him over (he was in a tight space and he was a big guy).  I finally did turn him over, and I remember thinking I was hurting him, probably tearing ligaments in his knee.  Of course, that didn't really matter.  I have really struggled with guilt about not figuring out that something was really wrong before it was too late.  To compound that, one drunken night a few months' back, my husband's brother blamed me for his death and said I should have called 911 sooner.  I had this feeling that people blamed me, and he confirmed it.  I was devastated, and basically had a nervous breakdown.  (I haven't shared that with anyone but this board, my immediate family, and my boyfriend.)  I have had to remember this, though, and even my mother-in-law has said this to me (possibly because she saw how much her son devasted me with his blame) -- Brian didn't call 911, he didn't think anything was wrong.  If he didn't know it, and it was happening to him, inside his body, how could I have possibly known?  Ladies, it isn't our fault.  Live happens and death happens, and one of the scariest things is how much it is out of our control.  I think the feelings of guilt, hindsight, etc. are totally normal.  However, they are also toxic and consuming, and don't get us anywhere.  My deepest sympathies to you all.  (Hugs all around)

Comment by luvtripp on February 27, 2012 at 1:19pm

Going home...I so feel your pain as I to lost my husband in a car accident. We also have 3 young children. My husband and our 9 year old son were on there way to football practice when they were hit by a drugged driver. My husband didn't have a chance. He died at the scene. His last words were asking for his cell phone and that he needed to check on his kids. I know in my heart he was trying to call me. My son suffered 2 fractured femurs.in which he had to have surgery on the next morning. He had metal plates put in and will have to have additional surgery to have them removed a year from the accident. He stayed 13 days in the hospital recovering from his injuries. He was released for a few hrs to attend his father's funeral. He was then readmitted given 3 pints of blood and after 5 months of therapy he is walking (with a limp) without the use of wheelchair, walker or crutches! Although he is healing physically, emotionally he contunies to have anxiety and sleeps with me every night. Our other 2 children have ups and downs but seem to be handling or coping well. I, like u wonder how I will live without him. I never thought when he walked out that door to go to practice that I would never speak to him again. I have had to relive the accident scene over and over in my head and I wasn't even there.I feel like he wasn't given the medical treatment as fast as needed because he was pinned in the vehicle. My husband was very active, a triathlete, he exercised everyday and was very muscular. No match for a huge truck running into him. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were to raise the kids together! What was to be our 14th anniversary tomorrow will be spent without him! My heart is broken. I grieve for him and for what our children will never experience with their daddy! I so hurt for you and your children as well! I know you are asking Why, Why, Why...just as I continue to do! I try to pray for peace and understanding and i will ask the same for you and your family. Please contact me anytime you need to talk. I am in your same situation, may not have any rules to this new life we are in but I can be a listening and supportive ear! Alicia

Comment by lorioc42 on February 27, 2012 at 11:13am

Shakyground, my heart aches for you.  I can feel the pain and heartache in your words.  Since my husband died I haven't been sure of much but right now, what I am sure of, is that your husband loved you and he KNEW that YOU loved him.   All of us here have regrets of one kind or another - we have to work through them and eventually learn to accept what happened.  I didn't think that I could live while my husband died either.  I am alive though and so are you.  I think your children "blamed" you because they had to blame someone and you were there.  It is their part of the loss they are experiencing if that makes sense.  You said that they don't want to lose you too and that is sooo true.  A few weeks ago I got very sick and was in bed for two weeks.  I couldn't eat and I was so tired... my son got very worried (understatement).  I told him that I would be fine and he said "That's what dad said".  It's his fear of losing me too.  Take it a step at a time - a day at a time.  Allow yourself to talk and share how you feel.  It helps.   {{{HUGS}}}

Comment by jimswife33 (Michelle) on February 27, 2012 at 1:55am

I can relate to what you are saying.  The night before Jim passed away, we were going upstairs to go to bed and I was ahead of him.  I heard something and ran out to the hall and he had passed out on the stairs.  I ran to him, turned him over, screamed NO at him and pounded on his chest.  He came to and I got him to sit up on one of the steps.  I was holding him asking him who he was, who I was, where we were, he answered all of them correctly.  I asked him what happened and he said he got dizzy.  I ran and got the phone and went back to him and then called 911.  He kept telling me that he did not want to go to the hospital.  When the emt's got there they thought he had had a heart attack and wanted him to go to the hospital.  I said maybe you should go and get checked just to make sure everything is okay so he agreed.  I told him I loved him and would go with him.  I didnt know I would never get to talk to him again.  They started to help him down the stairs and he passed out again.  That was 11:30 at night, he passed away at 1:30 the next afternoon at the hospital.  His heart stopped 5 or 6 times between that time and they said that he was most likely brain dead from going without oxygen so long in the ER.  They said he passed away from  acute pulmonary embolisms.   I have been what if- ing myself ever since.   What if I didnt suggetst he go to the hospital, what if we didnt go upstairs to go to bed, what if I had insisted on the doctors doing more tests, what if I had known that lung cancer and chemo caused blood clots, etc, etc, etc.   I just dont know what Im going to do without him, I miss him so damn much.  I wish I could get that scene out of my head and stop asking those questions over and over and over.  Its so hard and it just sucks.  I hate that all of us are here and feeling this way.  I wish all of you and myself some peace and comfort.   

Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on February 27, 2012 at 1:46am

@ Black Lotus: I'm so sorry people have to be so mean, I'm sure most of it is the pain and hurt coming out. I also think it's awful when someone whole life is judged by one moment out of their entire life. I hope your sone will grow up hearing all the wonderful things about his father rather then about his actions during one moment, of one day. I wish you peace (((Hugs)))

@shakyground: None of us have any way of knowing what we would do in an emergency unless we lived through it. I'm sure all of us would like to think we would jump into action and save the day when a time like that was thrust upon us. But none of us can truly know until we lived it. Please try not to be so hard on yourself, you did the best you could at the time. I'm sure your husband knows and understands that, your children also. They are just hurting very much also and so many people need someone to blame, I'm sure in time you will all see that. I wish you and your family peace and the ability to forgive what can't be changed. (((Hugs)))

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