Suddenly widowed

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Comment by Krisser on May 7, 2012 at 7:58am

I lost my Mark one week before our 31st anniversary. He was home after surgeryand couldn't keep any thing down. The dr said to bring him to the ER. By the morning he was gone. It will be 6 years this November. I am still waiting for him to walk in the door from work and ask what's for dinner. I have always told our kids that he was the other half of my heart. Luckily our kids are close by. We have four girls and one boy. The girls are all on their own with little ones. Our son is trying to find a job and staying home until he does. Lucky for me the girls work so I watch most of the little ones. They help to keep me going. Our 2 year old granddaughter is named after her grandpa. The funny thing is, she has his hair. Two of our grandsons have his hands and feet. There is so much of him in all of the little ones. His sense of humor, some have his eyes, the list goes on.

I also don't use the word "widow". I consider myself married but without my husband. Our kids have been great. They seem to stay closer than usual and I seem to be doing a lot of cooking. They keep me busy, which does help, but there are times I have to tell them I need some me time. That's for me to yell, cry or whatever I need to do.

I never had many friends. I was a stay at home mom and Mark and I did everything together. If Mark wasn't at work, he was home with us. I still can't believe he's gone.

Comment by Joellen on May 6, 2012 at 7:00pm

Chris Thank you again for this post.. I again like you totally hate the word WIDOW..  or now single... I am married ; I will always be married to Phil.  Just like your Mark , my Phil was so full of life and touched so many lives. of couse he never believed that because he was such a humble man...  He was a retired police officer and he had just talked me into retiring earlier than we had orginally planned... we just shared that news with the kids on Good Friday and my daughter and three daughers in law had already started talking about a huge celebration in july of 2013 to celebrate Phil's 70th birthday and my retirement both of which will NOT happen now.. we were so looking forward to starting that chapter in our lives..  Just like your Mark too ; :Phil left such a void in this world that the full impact is still not felt..  You have helped me so much today with sharing your feelings on widow THANK YOU so much for that. I thought I was the only one who felt like that and for sharing that the meltdowns get fewer and that it will be ok for me to laugh and smile again and more importantly that I will. thank you so much...  Your help today has made me feel like I belong here to help me heal and I will be back often.

peace and hugs

Jo

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on May 6, 2012 at 6:31pm

Jo - I'm so glad that anything that I said helped you in any way.  I truly know how difficult it is to just put one foot in front of the other those first few months.  Mark and I didn't have much time together - we found each other later in life, and were only together for 5 years and married for 1 1/2 years, but we also planned on growing old together; on enjoying his kids and having grandkids to spoil.  Mark was so full of life - a musician and so much fun to be around.  Everyone who knew him, loved him and the void that he left sometimes is so devastating still.  But, like I said - the meltdowns are fewer now.  I can hear and tell stories about him or things he said and did without crying - I can actually smile and laugh about them.  I so appreciate every minute that we spent together..........and I know that he will always have my heart.  I don't use the term 'widow' much as I still am Mark's wife, and very proud to be !   Please come here often and share your feelings.  I have found that it helps so much to talk to and listen to those who are travelling this same journey.  I thought that I was the only one who ever felt such pain - who ever hurt so badly - until I found everyone here experiencing the same things.  I found much support, comfort and understanding - and I hope you will too.

Hugs,

Chris

Comment by Joellen on May 6, 2012 at 5:01pm

chris , thank you for your kind words and for sharing your thoughs it helps. I feel like you do I will never"move on" as they say because I feel that would be leaving Phil in the past and I will never ever leave him. He was and always will be my husband and a part in everything I do as he will remain in my heart and will be shared with our kids and grandkids always... It is a comfort to know that while the struggle is always there you have more good times where you smile and laugh.. with small grandchildren I do not want to be remembered as the "gloom and doom" grandma.  we always had so much fun and enjoyment  I want to be like that with them again I know it will take some time but your encouraging words let me know that it is possible.  also as you I love Phil more and more each day and miss him more than ever... after being married for 41 years how could one not... thanks you again for sharing. It did help me alot today as I had a minor meltdown and was feeling really down and distraught.  Peace and hugs to us all.

Jo

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on May 6, 2012 at 2:04pm

My dear Laurie, Lissa, Joellen - My heart, my thoughts and prayers are with you and with everyone here.  I am so familiar with this road that you are on - my wonderful husband also went to sleep on Monday night and didn't wake up on Tuesday morning.  It was 2 years ago, this past Friday and 2 years ago today we had his memorial service.  I didn't think I would survive - didn't know how I would go on and never imagined myself 2 years down the road.  But here I am, still struggling some days, but I have had more times where I could smile, and even laugh at stories, memories and photographs than cry. 

I have taken small baby steps - one at a time.  Sometimes it's 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, but that is all that I can do.  I have done things in my time, according to the way that I want now.  My 2 step children have been wonderful - my step son who is 21 now has just moved out of our home and in with his girlfriend and my step daughter who is 28 has just had our first grandchild 4 months ago.  Life is somehow continuing - and I am moving through............I don't foresee 'moving on' as somehow that makes me feel as if I'm leaving Mark behind.  He is a part of everything I do, everything I think and he is in my heart always.  I love and miss him more everyday. 

I wish you some peace............some gentle moments and I send you big hugs from one who 'gets it'. 

Chris

Comment by eternalaura on May 6, 2012 at 10:01am

I started a post here and it quickly got out of hand before I noticed I had exceeded 4000 characters. I was on a roll and didn't want to interrupt the thought so i moved to my blog, 

http://laurabateswrites.wordpress.com/2012/05/06/lesson-learned/ 

but the heart of it belongs here. Is there another space where we can have lengthier posts or should I have just split it into two?

Anyway, the jist of it was that I was feeling very isolated, shunned and judged yesterday and in turn was doing the same. I don't want to become bitter because of death.I want the (trite sounding) opposite. I want to become better in spite of the harsh realities of life. I want to set positive examples for my children. Yet I have very litttle to draw from. So as Elisabeth Elliot said I just do the next thing. Somehow we manage to keep going. Sometimes numb, often paralyzed yet lucid enough to go through the motions like an out of body experience. That's what it feels like to me when I look back at some of the days I've been through since Dennis died.

Comment by Joellen on May 6, 2012 at 9:55am

Lisa

 like you I never thought my life would be like this. I always thought we would grow real old together and would be so old when one of us passed it would not make a difference ... we never got to enjoy retirement.. or any of our plans that we made to do during spring break instead of our plans that we made  My children and I had to make funeral plans...  who in the world would have thought that this would be our way of life... fine ; fit as a fiddle and go to bed and not wake up..... I still can not believe he is gone

Comment by Joellen on May 6, 2012 at 9:51am

LaurieR. I feel your pain. My husband died suddenly in his sleep the saturday before Easter just 4 weeks ago.. We had 7 children 2 have passed away the others are married with families of their own except for my daughter who is 30 and just 11 months ago moved back in with us from a 4 year failed relationship. We were married for 41 years. I too was married at 19 and have never lived alone. This is a first for me and it sucks... I am scared,lonley , sad, confused... My boys all call constantly my daughter texts me from school(she is going to nursing school) but  it just is not the same. I love them dearly and I know they love me but I also know this constant checking on me will end and there will be another pain to go through... you are right no one knows what we are going through...  Just that Good Friday afternoon we were discussing my future retirement. my husband was already retired. in fact when the kids were all over for Good Friday dinner(that is when we celebrated our Easter) he told them that I was going to retire in June2013.  and since he would have turned 70 that march we would have a big celebration in July...well that is not going to happen now.. I will have to still work for a few more years to catch up all these bills... right now my life totally sucks.. I really do not feel like I belong here and feel like I am a constant burden  to my children... I had a major meltdown last saturday and wished I could go be with my husband as that is where I really belong... so I sure do know Laurie just how you feel... thanks for letting me share this fear with you this morning.  I hope we all find some happiness and peace and a feel of belonging  soon.

Comment by Lissa on May 6, 2012 at 9:34am

LaurieR I am so very sorry for your loss.

My husband died suddenly about a year ago of a heart attack. My children are a little older than yours (25 and 27 at the time). Their friends were great at the beginning and offered support but that did not last long, both were single. There were times when my daughter who is away at school and could not reach me had what we call "melt downs", so afraid that something had happened to me. The fear of another loss is so overwhelming. We all three got help from grief counseling and started a few months  after my husband's death. You can find counseling at little to no cost through hospice in your area; my daughter went to a counselor at her school. It really helped my family so much.

Comment by LaurieR on May 6, 2012 at 8:38am

I lost my husband Easter Sunday, to what I think was a heart attack.  We would have been married 30 years in August 2012.  It is really hard to go on.  I married when I was 19.  It is like you world slow right down and everyone else just keeps going. My heart is broken.  One truly does not know what that is like until you go through this.   I have 3 children ages, 23,21 and 19.  They are scared something is going to happen to me. 

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