Suddenly widowed

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Comment by Joellen on May 8, 2012 at 3:45pm

Lynn I am so sorry for your loss. I can totally relate as my husband of 41 years passed away suddenly in his sleep on April 7th. It is still so hard to believe.  there are days that I think ok I can handle this and feel like I took 2 baby steps forward and then the next day my world falls apart again and I feel like I just took 15 giant steps back...  It is a rotten road we have to travel and the pain seems like it is never ending  again I am so sorry for your loss.  wishing all of us a peaceful tomorrow

Comment by NMWidower on May 8, 2012 at 3:13am

@ KCC -- I found that period you are coming to and are in was challenging when I was there.  People do stop coming by and that for me was when the shock was starting to wear off and the loss was REALLY sinking in.  All that makes it maddening at times.  One thing that helped me a lot was to find at least one person to talk to, even if it was a counselor, or a friend or at greifshare classes where I could talk about it.  It helps a lot having a site like this to talk with others who have experienced the same.  Personally I found months 3-4 were hard for me and others.  It is when much of the emotions and the loss feel so sharp and the waves of grief were hitting me strong and seemingly ambushing me all the time.  Hang in there.  I found at those times life was simply one day, one hour, one minute, one step, one breath at a time.  This is your season to grieve the loss.  Its hard and painful and often lonely especially when your best friend is your spouse and they are gone.  But one little tiny step at a time one makes it through grief.  One day after enduring and walking and grieving one looks back and realizes almost with awe, I cant believe I made it this far.  I still feel like that over and over after 2.5 years, and yet I can see healing for me has occurred and life has finally returned at least for me.  Its never easy at all facing the quiet and the emptiness of the house.  Just hang in there.  ((HUGS))

Comment by Lynne on May 8, 2012 at 1:24am

Hi everyone.  I'm new to this site and to this group.  I've been reading the posts this evening and it's been comforting to feel so many kindred spirits and shared grief experiences.  As you all know, it can sometimes be very difficult to relate to those who haven't been down this road before.  My husband of 41 years died unexpectedly several weeks ago - March 27th to be exact - and, although I'm doing a bit better, I still struggle with so many thoughts, feelings and things that need to be done.  Like everyone has said, it's just plain hard and every day is somewhat unpredictable - some easier, some harder, and I'm never quite sure just how I'll be feeling on any given day or at any given time. I went back to work five days after he died and that has been a real saving grace - it takes my mind off my own troubles and allows me to focus on others, which feels like a reprieve to me.  Anyway, I'm so sorry for all your losses and I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and experiences.  It's been helpful to read them and makes me feel less alone.

Comment by judy on May 7, 2012 at 1:56pm

I am so sorry to hear about your beloved Alan - please join us int he chat room and we can try and help support you through everything.

Hugs to you,

Judy

Comment by MelodyLeigh on May 7, 2012 at 1:50pm

On Tuesday January 10, 2012 I sent my hubby Adam off to work and he never returned home. He was crushed beneath a 35,000 lb. piece of industrial equipment while trying to change a tire. In a matter of seconds my world was forever altered. I lost the love of my life, my everything. My children at the age of 3 1/2 & 11 mon. lost their daddy. 

Comment by Krisser on May 7, 2012 at 7:58am

I lost my Mark one week before our 31st anniversary. He was home after surgeryand couldn't keep any thing down. The dr said to bring him to the ER. By the morning he was gone. It will be 6 years this November. I am still waiting for him to walk in the door from work and ask what's for dinner. I have always told our kids that he was the other half of my heart. Luckily our kids are close by. We have four girls and one boy. The girls are all on their own with little ones. Our son is trying to find a job and staying home until he does. Lucky for me the girls work so I watch most of the little ones. They help to keep me going. Our 2 year old granddaughter is named after her grandpa. The funny thing is, she has his hair. Two of our grandsons have his hands and feet. There is so much of him in all of the little ones. His sense of humor, some have his eyes, the list goes on.

I also don't use the word "widow". I consider myself married but without my husband. Our kids have been great. They seem to stay closer than usual and I seem to be doing a lot of cooking. They keep me busy, which does help, but there are times I have to tell them I need some me time. That's for me to yell, cry or whatever I need to do.

I never had many friends. I was a stay at home mom and Mark and I did everything together. If Mark wasn't at work, he was home with us. I still can't believe he's gone.

Comment by Joellen on May 6, 2012 at 7:00pm

Chris Thank you again for this post.. I again like you totally hate the word WIDOW..  or now single... I am married ; I will always be married to Phil.  Just like your Mark , my Phil was so full of life and touched so many lives. of couse he never believed that because he was such a humble man...  He was a retired police officer and he had just talked me into retiring earlier than we had orginally planned... we just shared that news with the kids on Good Friday and my daughter and three daughers in law had already started talking about a huge celebration in july of 2013 to celebrate Phil's 70th birthday and my retirement both of which will NOT happen now.. we were so looking forward to starting that chapter in our lives..  Just like your Mark too ; :Phil left such a void in this world that the full impact is still not felt..  You have helped me so much today with sharing your feelings on widow THANK YOU so much for that. I thought I was the only one who felt like that and for sharing that the meltdowns get fewer and that it will be ok for me to laugh and smile again and more importantly that I will. thank you so much...  Your help today has made me feel like I belong here to help me heal and I will be back often.

peace and hugs

Jo

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on May 6, 2012 at 6:31pm

Jo - I'm so glad that anything that I said helped you in any way.  I truly know how difficult it is to just put one foot in front of the other those first few months.  Mark and I didn't have much time together - we found each other later in life, and were only together for 5 years and married for 1 1/2 years, but we also planned on growing old together; on enjoying his kids and having grandkids to spoil.  Mark was so full of life - a musician and so much fun to be around.  Everyone who knew him, loved him and the void that he left sometimes is so devastating still.  But, like I said - the meltdowns are fewer now.  I can hear and tell stories about him or things he said and did without crying - I can actually smile and laugh about them.  I so appreciate every minute that we spent together..........and I know that he will always have my heart.  I don't use the term 'widow' much as I still am Mark's wife, and very proud to be !   Please come here often and share your feelings.  I have found that it helps so much to talk to and listen to those who are travelling this same journey.  I thought that I was the only one who ever felt such pain - who ever hurt so badly - until I found everyone here experiencing the same things.  I found much support, comfort and understanding - and I hope you will too.

Hugs,

Chris

Comment by Joellen on May 6, 2012 at 5:01pm

chris , thank you for your kind words and for sharing your thoughs it helps. I feel like you do I will never"move on" as they say because I feel that would be leaving Phil in the past and I will never ever leave him. He was and always will be my husband and a part in everything I do as he will remain in my heart and will be shared with our kids and grandkids always... It is a comfort to know that while the struggle is always there you have more good times where you smile and laugh.. with small grandchildren I do not want to be remembered as the "gloom and doom" grandma.  we always had so much fun and enjoyment  I want to be like that with them again I know it will take some time but your encouraging words let me know that it is possible.  also as you I love Phil more and more each day and miss him more than ever... after being married for 41 years how could one not... thanks you again for sharing. It did help me alot today as I had a minor meltdown and was feeling really down and distraught.  Peace and hugs to us all.

Jo

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on May 6, 2012 at 2:04pm

My dear Laurie, Lissa, Joellen - My heart, my thoughts and prayers are with you and with everyone here.  I am so familiar with this road that you are on - my wonderful husband also went to sleep on Monday night and didn't wake up on Tuesday morning.  It was 2 years ago, this past Friday and 2 years ago today we had his memorial service.  I didn't think I would survive - didn't know how I would go on and never imagined myself 2 years down the road.  But here I am, still struggling some days, but I have had more times where I could smile, and even laugh at stories, memories and photographs than cry. 

I have taken small baby steps - one at a time.  Sometimes it's 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, but that is all that I can do.  I have done things in my time, according to the way that I want now.  My 2 step children have been wonderful - my step son who is 21 now has just moved out of our home and in with his girlfriend and my step daughter who is 28 has just had our first grandchild 4 months ago.  Life is somehow continuing - and I am moving through............I don't foresee 'moving on' as somehow that makes me feel as if I'm leaving Mark behind.  He is a part of everything I do, everything I think and he is in my heart always.  I love and miss him more everyday. 

I wish you some peace............some gentle moments and I send you big hugs from one who 'gets it'. 

Chris

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