Suddenly widowed

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Comment by lorioc42 on June 20, 2012 at 3:03pm

Yesterday was My anniversary.  Roger is not here with me, so it became mine.  This was my 30th.  It's been two years since he left me.  My first anniversary alone was absolutely horrid.  Yesterday wasn't as bad - even though it was a milestone.  I did feel very alone and I spent my day alone.  I decided whatever feelings came, came and I was going to accept them all. So I did.  

Comment by Joellen on June 20, 2012 at 10:03am

Chris thank you. after I had a good long cry with my son and he soothed me with his kind words of understanding and sharing how he is dealing with his grief too I did feel better infact I made a memorial stone for Phil's memorial garden in our yard . I still shed a few tears as the evening went on but the hard sobbing was gone. but the scene I created at 4am really threw me under. what the hell was I doing. Of course she went upstairs to bed. that is where her bedroom is. that is where her bedroom always has been. no one has ever slept in the living room, the kitchen  or dinning room. what was I thinking.. the panic was so intense I just don't know what I was thinking..  thanks Chris as always  for understanding and for your kind words and never ending support.. so far except for being tired the day is going ok.  thanks again.

I am so glad I found this site. you women are all so helpful, supportive, caring and really are so full of great advice and a wonderful source of comfort.

thank you all.

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on June 20, 2012 at 9:53am

Joellen - I am so sorry that you're having such a bad week and I truly do understand.  Even now at 2 years, there are times when I struggle so badly.  Mark's birthday is April 29th and he passed away on May 4th; his memorial service was May 6th, so for about 2 weeks around that time - everything in my life just seems to go awry............I panic, sob, become emotional about everything.  Again, it's all part of this process that we are all going through - not something we'll get over - just something we'll get through. 

Don't stress over what is going on with you - or if something is wrong with you - you will have these ups and downs; these 3 steps forward and 2 steps back times.  We all do.........and the further along this journey, the more that we realize that these waves of grief may hit us and pull us under for a bit, but we will come out on the other side and we'll be just a tad stronger. 

Try to get some rest - have a great birthday dinner with your daughter - and know that we're all here and that we truly do understand. 

Hugs for a better day today,

Chris

Comment by Joellen on June 20, 2012 at 9:33am

Thanks Diane. all your kind words and example of the goose is so right on.. to cap off the horrible week I have been having last night was a real corker.  Mandy had to work real late till like 2am she had a co worker drive her home so I did not have to get up to pick her up. as I always did with all the kids I told her to let me know when she got home so I knew she was home safe. well she got home and did just that told me she was home and felt cruddy so she was going to take a fast shower and go to bed.  I said ok see you after work. and fell back asleep. I jumped up around 4 and searched the house for her. I paniced and sent her a text "Where the hell are you" she sent one back "Mom I am upstairs sleeping are you ok do you need me".. I sent her back sorry must have had a bad dream good night... OMG what the heck is going on with me. I know My daughter lives in the rooms upstairs ; she has never ever slept in the back room, the living room, the dinning room, the kitchen!!!  I was in such a panic...  I tried to fall back asleep but it was a restless sleep till the alarm went off and I had to get up to go to work.. Geeze...   I just feel so lost and alone this week.  I have had better weeks prior to this week. this feels so surreal... oh well  I am at work; tired as all get out but at work making a birthday dinner for my daughter today as her birthday was yesterday but she had to work; and I think I will make it an early night and try to sleep... and hopefully will have a better Thursday... cause so far since Sunday every day has been a challange...  thanks all for your support and unconditional caring.. it does mean alot to me..  I just do not understand what is going on with me. I felt I was doing so good. I had some bad days I needed Phil, I missed Phil, but I made it through with just a sad feelng or a short tear or two.. but nothing like I have been having since sunday...

Comment by Diane on June 20, 2012 at 9:16am

Joellen, I am so so sorry for all your pain, know that I cry with you. I suspect a lot of us cry with you.  I think your son is right, let those tears flow and sob all you like. 

Losing your lifelong partner so suddenly feels like I have lost the center of my body.  I once saw a goose lying in the middle of the street next to his/her dead mate that had been hit by a car.  He/she was wailing the most mournful call, the likes of which I have never heard before or since with periods of screeching and squawking.  I joined some bystanders trying to coax him/her from the street.  The goose would attack us if we got too close.  I feel just like that goose sometimes.  His/her instincts told him/her to just mourn, just stay there and mourn.  Perhaps it's a good lesson for us.  He/she did end up leaving after several hours in the street.  I keep thinking that, too, is a good lesson.  Good luck to you, joellen, and never forget you have people that understand your pain, your excrutiating and deep pain.  My grief counsellor said you can't go around grief, you can't go over it or under it, you have to go through it.

Comment by Joellen on June 20, 2012 at 8:01am

crying; thanks for sharing your experience. I am having a rough week it started Sunday night and has not stopped I have broke down every night last night was the worst..  It started Father's day night and ten Monday Mandy told Bradley we would go to the Outerbanks with them then  yesterday was our daughter's 31st birthday and the first one without her dad. it was horrid she had to work so I am having a cake and giving her a gift tonight; I don't know if all of these things are setting it off or what. Last night when my son Joey called all I could do was cry no sob.. He was so kind and understanding.. I know he is hurting too but He told me to just cry cry it all out sometimes that is just what he does and he feels better after a good cry.. He then told me I was ok. that I am trying too hard. that I will always have moments the rest of my life that I will cry but they will not always be this bad. How in the hell did he get so smart.  It also hurts that my children are soothing me instead of me soothing them.. what the hell is wrong with this picture...  so much going on so many changes.... will I ever adjust... will the pain ever get easier... I know it does It did when I lost my two sons... but each time I always had a purpose in life; I always had Phil to hold me; to rub my back; to soothe my fears; to get me through the rough spots of grieving... this time I am alone; no one to hold me while I cry; no one to tell me it will be ok; no one to walk this journey of grieving with... so while I knew in the past the pain would get easier and I would smile an live again; I had a purpose to go on; I was needed; I do not feel like I have a purpose; a need; a reason.... and the pain is so much more intense then it was when I lost my two sons. each loss I go through is harder than the one before..  Christen was hard; my dad was harder; Scotty was what I thought was the hardest thing ever; was I ever wrong... Phil... there is no compairson... Each loss took a piece of my heart of my being... of my world.. PHIL TOOK IT ALL. I feel like I have no heart, to sense of being ; no world..

thanks for listening.... like I said just a real horrid week...

Comment by crying on June 20, 2012 at 6:36am

Joellen
I am so far behind everyone with their grieving. Or what I should say being there is no time line I thought I wood be in a better place. Last nite I saw a mom deer with her baby driving home and I broke down crying thinking the mom might get hit by a car and the baby won't have a parent like my son doesn't have a father. See I don't make sense. Anyway the reason I am telling you this is I just got back from Disney with my son and his friends
My son is 19 . We took him there everyyear since he was three . If we missed we did the cruise. My husband no was not the lover like his son and me but he did it for us. In fact he bought a time share there. I have a saved voice mail from him telling me he is on main street. So yes I too was afraid to go. Thank god I did!
I got away from my horrid life for a week so my don smile again and I had fun first time in almost two years. A few tears but to myself and it was thanking my husband for allowing us the chance to continue to go there with our time share
While walking down main street I stopped in a store and bought a little crystal motorcycle
To remember my love on that trip. He loved his motorcycle and it was on main street where my voice message was from. So he was on that trip with me. When you get back unfortunately the pain will still be there but for one week it was so nice not to have it. Go live for at least a week
.

Comment by janet on June 20, 2012 at 12:15am

Joellen, check with Dianne in Nevada.  She can tell you how to upload pictures here.  She and Supa are full of information.

Comment by Joellen on June 19, 2012 at 8:07pm

thank you Janet...  I would love to share pictures but I do not know how to post pictures on this site. sorry :)  I am trying to get in the right mind set to get something positive out of this trip.. I still have time so with all of your support I am hopeful it will happen. thank you for your encouraging words and support. it means alot to me

Comment by janet on June 19, 2012 at 7:27pm

Joellen, you and your daughter both need some time away from the grieving.  I see this as an opportunity for you to grow and to begin to discover who you are.  I am so excited that you are going and I want pics from your trip.

Each little baby step we take is moving forward andlearning who we truly are as we travel this journey.  This is not an easy one and we will never be who we were but we will be stronger and know just how precious life is going forward.

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