Suddenly widowed

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Comment by Diane on June 27, 2012 at 6:26pm

Joellen...I have belonged to this club of sudden death widows since Feb 1 of this year.  There are two things that dawned on me early on that I am getting more and more comfortable with.  One is that I don't care that much what other people think of me anymore.  The other is I am learning to say what I need or want.  Both of these are things are things my Italian/German heritage frowned  upon as I grew up, especially for women.  I'm not a jerk, I'm respectful, but I don't see much need to pretend and necessity forced me to speak up more. It sounds to me like you already understand this, just thought I'd share it.   

Comment by Joellen on June 27, 2012 at 11:11am

I totally enjoy having Mandy living with me. I enjoyed it when she moved back a year ago with Phil and I. while sad that her relationship did not work I was glad she felt comfortable enough to come back "home" from day one she gave phil and I our space and we gave her hers. and basically it is that way now. she lives upstairs and while I know if I need her she is there we basically do our own thing. we eat dinner together;  but  now that school is over and she does not have to study she is down stairs more. which at times is ok but she feels the need to "keep" me on the go.. I do not  have to be on the go all the time. I do like some quiet time... but I feel I have to go when she wants to so as not to offend her.  I have gotten the boys to understand that our one son would call me honestly 5 times a day and ask if I needed anything if I was ok. I am ashamed to say that sometimes when I would see his name and number come up on caller ID i would not answer it and let the answering machine pick it up.  then I would tell him that I missed his call cause I was outside with the dog LOL.. another son calls perhaps 3 times a week where he was calling twice a day. He comes over with his son once a week but then he did that with phil too so I understand he likes to try to keep things normal for him.  another son texts me and calls once a week and my daughters in law are about the same. Now my older grandchildren will call me just to talk.. my one little cutie he is 6 will call and say Gamma I just want to see if your voice is back the way it was before poppa died.. Jonas is a real hoot. he is the one who called and asked me if I would answer a question cause he parents will not be honest and he asked me that why do people say poppa is in a better place if I am still in the same place poppa was in. why don't I have to get out of the house and go to a better place too LOL...  rambling again.. sorry

anyway... I am thinking that I may go with Bradley and family to Norht Carolina for a week. the drive back frightens me but with mandy at my side and the GPS I think we will be ok. it is a 13 hour drive I think so I may have to drive half way and get a room who knows. but I am starting to think that what people think of me is not important. if I wait a year or longer to do stuff   some people will think that is not long enough after Phil's passing to go that I really did not intensly love him like I said I did. so  I know how I feel and how Phil felt about me.. so what other people think.  ok it sounds good now if I can only make my decission thinkking that way . I am in a rambling mood today sorry

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on June 27, 2012 at 10:41am

Thank you Lovie - your words are always so encouraging and insightful and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you. 

Joellen - I agree with Lovie, that sometimes you really have to explain to those closest to you, even your kids, what you need and want.  They mean well - they are really trying to make your life 'easier' - and we all know our lives will never be the same. 

I also agree that the beach trip would be good for you and your daughter.  I really believe that once you get there, once you get over the anticipation of any negative feelings about it, you will enjoy the beauty, the nature, the interaction with your family.  I'm sure it will be a beautiful place - and perhaps can bring you a sense of peace for a few days.  You know Phil will be there with all of you - and you can enjoy the trip and the family for both of you. 

Your daughter sounds like a wonderful lady - with a good sense of humor and I'm sure that you enjoy having her there with you. 

Hugs,

Chris

Comment by Joellen on June 27, 2012 at 10:20am

thank you lovie... I am considering it. I know my daughter needs to go and get away and enjoy life too. but would NOT go without me for several reasons. but she put herself through nursing school while working 2 jobs and then facing the loss of her dad the last 3 months of school and taking on worring about me she really needs to  go and have fun. while I have not decided funny girl she is when we were out the other day bought a kite and said look mom we can  fly this on the beach !! she is such a nut.. 

Comment by lovie on June 27, 2012 at 10:05am

Joellen,  I can definitely relate to what you are saying. While grieving those first months, friends and family thought I should not be alone.  Well, I liked being alone and needed to be alone. Within 24 hours of my husband's sudden death due to a heart attack, I left my son's house and told him and my daughters that I needed to be home and alone for a while. When a friend showed up at my house and found me alone she was appalled that my kids were not with me. Of course, she is the kind of person who could never be alone if ill or while having problems, etc., But people need to respect what WE want not what THEY think we need. Your children do mean well, I am sure, but you may have to explain the "alone time" that you need and ask them to respect it. They may not know what you need right now and perhaps you can have a very candid talk with them about what you need and want and let them know that this is temporary. That you will indeed get back into life with them one day and enjoy being a loving part of their family right now but for now you need some space and time to grieve and hurt and cry.  My children got this and still do, but friends unfortunately did not and still do not. I get out often, but if I turn something down, they think that I must be having a bad day and that is not always the case.  I do think the beach trip would be good for you and your daughter, though. Since they are giving you an "out" to just do what you want when you are there (being with them or having time alone), a change of scenery and environment would probably show you that the world goes on while we grieve and one day we will jump back on, but not just right now. But let them know that they are not to "coddle" or try to protect you. Ask them to treat you as they would a friend instead of a parent. they can suppport you without smothering you. You will still grieve there and when you return home, but this first time to "step out into the world again" may help lift your sunken spirit temporarily and baby steps are all we can expect when our hearts are so broken. Wishing you the best whatever you decide. 

Comment by lovie on June 27, 2012 at 9:37am

Drummer Groupie, I also find comfort in being at home alone. Just as I did 33 months ago while in pain, numbness and in a fog, I feel it now while I am living breathing, and enjoying life once again. When I am away for a day or a week, I miss my husband so much more than I do when I am home. Not the crying and sad kind of missing him, but just not feeling his presence in my life. When I am at a social event or have friends over, as soon as I am alone again I feel the peaceful comfort of knowing he is sharing this new and adjusted life with me.  I do not know if this will last forever, but I am enjoying it now. I cherish my alone time even though I am busy living again. Perhaps this is what the phrase "carrying him in my heart forever" means. Congrats on you new grandaughter...she is beautiful. Our first grandchild was born about 9 months after my mom died and I had been her caregiver (dementia) so it had been a very grievous period and our second grandchild was born 10 months after my husband died. I sometimes wonder if God was showing me that Life is a Cycle, over and over again...closing a door and opening another. Take care and wishing you great joy as you begin your new role as a grandmother.

Comment by Joellen on June 27, 2012 at 9:31am

lovie thanks for such an insightful posting.. such great comforting words. thank you

Comment by Joellen on June 27, 2012 at 9:30am

Ok I am starting to feel a bit guilty here. while I love all our children dearly and enjoy my grandchildren I am getting tired of them treating me like a china doll that will crack and break. For example... yesterday we (our ome son, our daughter in law, 2 of our grandchildren and our daughter) went  to a butterfly release in phil's honor. while we were waiting for it to begin my daugher in law and granddaughter left their seats and came back with a cup of water for me and said here mom for you.. Ok there were 6 of us there no one else was given water but me... I am not a fish; I was not out of my element that I needed water for my gills to breathe. :)   after the release my grandson comes up to me an says Grandma are you going to read on the beach with me? I said what and before I could answer my daughter says Oh Dominic you like to read as as much as grandma. I am sure she will be reading.. Now I have not decided if I want to go with them to North Carolina for a week. yet it seems like they have all made up my mind for me. When I said something to my daughter on the way home she said Mom you are not going to sit in the house all of July and cry dad would not  want you to do that and you know it. I really think you and I  should go for a week we have never gone to North Carolina; it may be nice to be on the beach by the ocean.  a friend sent me a message on facebook about going to dinner. My daughter responded with let me know what night is good for you and I will have mom ready.... Phil has only been  dead 11 weeks. why do they feel the need to make plans for me.I don't feel it is right for me to go and have fun when my Phil is just gone such a short time. I just turned 61 not 1... I am finding myself liking when my daughter has to work second shift so that when I get home from work I have some alone time. I would hate to be alone all the time but lately I feel like they are choking me. LOL.....  I admit  this month I have had more meltdown than I did in the beginning but well I don't know. just rambling here. I just don't know what I want to do , what I feel, how to act or react.. what people will say ; why I care what people will say; what is right; what is wrong;so many un answered questions rolling around in my mind...

Comment by lovie on June 27, 2012 at 9:04am

There are so many newly widowed here lately.  My heart goes out to all of you as you deal with the intense grief of the first months and year. If possible, allow yourself as much time as possible to grieve, rest and adjust. We are all so often forced to deal with issues brought on by our loss...finances, insurance, account closures, relocation etc,...that we have to put grief on the back burner for a while. Often sleep deprivation makes dealing with these issues even more difficult, frustrating and confusing. Don't worry about being STRONG right now; get done with what must be done now and put other issues away until you can take care of them when your grief is not so new.  And when well-meaning people tell you that you are strong, tell them, "No, I am not strong now. I am struggling to deal with things that I must do while I grieve and hurt and miss my husband. But I will be strong once I move through this horrific maze of my present life and can picture/imagine my future life of joy and peace with his memory and love always present in my heart."  That will help them to understand where you are today and what your outlook is for the future.  Letting others know that we have hope will sometimes get them to leave you grieve at your own pace. There is just no easy way to get through this sinking feeling of early grief, but it will not be with you forever. Hold tight to thing that bring you comfort,even if only momentarily. Quoting what i read somewhere..."Think of grief as a place you visit for a while never intending to live there forever, only as long as you need to and do not overstay your welcome out of fear for your future." I often look back and think "How did I ever get through that or do that?" We grow tremendously are time passes and unfortunately, we cannot speed up time. I wish I had journaled my days so that I could have looked back and compared what I was like in month 2 compared to month 4, year one compared to year two. We may not feel that we are growing and healing, but reading what we were like in a past time period would have provided the proof that, indeed, time is our best friend.  Prayers for all of you as you await for time to help you move forward in your journey and acceptance and peace seep back into your lives.

AND, congratulations to lorioc and drummer groupie on the new grandchildren!  We had one before my husband passed away and have since had one more and two more due this fall. Life goes on even when we want it to stop sometimes.  Let their arrival fill some of the void of your loss although it is a bittersweet occasion initially. I cried so much when I second grandchild came because my husband was not here with me, but I can now tell her about him, show pictures of him to her and enjoy her for both of us. It took a while for me to get to this point, and I still get teary-eyed sometimes, but my memories are worth the tears. Take care and peace to all. GOD is GOOD!

 

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on June 27, 2012 at 9:03am

Deneice, Laurie, Joellen - I also truly understand what you're feeling and what you're saying.  I don't think I left my house except when I absolutely had to for the first 3 months after Mark was gone.  My home was my safety zone - I could feel how I wanted to feel, when I wanted to feel that way and I could hide and be with my tears, my thoughts, my fears, my pain.  Gradually, I began to emerge - still thrilled to get back home, but able to venture out and do things again.  Now it's been almost 26 months, I still love being home - it's still the place where I feel safest and closest to Mark, but I can and do go out and enjoy life for the both of us now.

I have also been told by SOOOOOOO many people how strong I am, how independant I am, how they are amazed by my strength - OMG, if they only knew........Mark was my world and he also gave me the strength, he gave me the joy, the laughter, the love that enabled me to be independant and strong.  BUT, I realized that I still have that joy in me, that laughter that he gave me and I will ALWAYS have his love......................so I am able to be a bit stronger now.  I promise you - you will get some of it back - Phil and Ron and your husband, Deneice will always be with you and you will always have their love to give you hope and strength.  Hugs,

Chris

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