Suddenly widowed

Comment

Comment by Diane on June 28, 2012 at 11:32am

Joellen...you aren't saying anything I didn't think.  It IS scarey being alone after all these years.  It IS confusing trying to find your bearings without your compass.  I have read a ton of books on grief and everything you say sounds  perfectly normal to me, though I sure never felt normal thinking it, though now I know I was.  Have you considered attending a grief support group?  Our local hospice had one that was free and awesome.  My daughters and I attended together and meet once a month with the group even though the formal sessions have ended.  Also Don was a Life Banc donor, was Phil?  If so, you can get free one on one counselling there.  If not, your insurance may cover it.  You are normal, perfectly normal in your reactions.  This journey takes time and work, a whole lot of both.  Take care.

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on June 28, 2012 at 11:14am

Oh Jo - Like I've said before, I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a real hug.  I know how difficult it is - I know how scared you are; and I know how hard it is to move through it all.  You shouldn't worry what people think about you going away for a week - afterall, you are going with your family and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks.  They are not in your shoes, they are not living your life - you deserve some time to relax; to enjoy your kids and grandkids; to feel the breeze on your face; to listen to the waves; to look into the starry night knowing Phil is there looking back at you and smiling with pride.

Your sons, I'm sure, will be more than happy to give you advice or guidance - they would probably be thrilled that you're asking them.  It lets them know that there is something that they can do to help you. They want to help - but they just don't know what to do or how to help; so this will give them some direction too.

Deep breathing, Jo - that will help you out of the panic state - and help the oxygen get to your brain to keep you in focus.  It will relax you - and so will sitting on the porch, at the beach, listening to the laughter of your grandchildren and the waves lapping at the shoreline. 

Know that we're all here for you, anytime,

Chris

Comment by Joellen on June 28, 2012 at 10:50am

thanks Chris and  Lorioc.. I am a total mess today as you can tell from my post. today is my last day at work till August 1 so that may be some of the reason. I have no reason to get out of bed now. where this day was usually met with joy I now meet it with fear.. sadness and confusion..  I agree; I do not want to "move on" that I agree is like I would be leaving Phil behind; not having him with me and that will NEVER happen in my life, in my world. If I am to continue living till we are together again I need him at my side; I need his love and his strength and his faith in me to carry forth.. If I "move on" I feel like I would lose all that and that would kill me.  Yes Chris today I guess I look back to even yesterday and I am completely overwhelmed.. so mny changes.. and I do not know if I will be able to handle them with out Phil to guide me ; to tell me what to do and how to do it.  I am so scared to let my self just "go with the flow" and go to North Carolina.. why am I so scared. why am I so worried what people will think of me for going when Phil has only been gone 3 months... why am I so scared that I may laugh and enjoy the beach; why oh why..  money is tight; I  wonder should I really go although it will only cost mandy and me gas money bradley is paying for everything else cause they are going no matter what this is their two week vacation that they had planned for over a year. they went last year and booked it again for this year cause they had so much fun...  see I am so confused and I am in a panic mode...  I need to slow down right; shut my mind off for awhile but it just is not happening...  Good point. I will make a list of things that I think need to be done and ask my sons who are home owners and car owners what needs to be done and when.  Sad to think that after all these years of guiding them I now as  the parent need guidance from them.  bottom line.. I AM SCARED AND CONFUSED.but mainly scared..  I have never lived alone; never had to make decissions myself. It was always my parents and then Phil... and now I am alone and I am past scared I am petrified. Phil was so much more than just a husband.. he was my world and it has been shattered... today is not going well.  The other day I moved some things around in the kitchen so that I could reach them easier and  now I feel like I should put things back the way Phil had them and just use the kitchen stool to get what I need when I need it.

thanks for all your support today. and every day...

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on June 28, 2012 at 9:44am

Joellen - Don't apologize for rambling; that is what we're here for - to listen, to talk, to vent, to cry..............just to support each other as we travel this road.  But I do want you to take a deep breath - take several of them - and slow down a bit.  Nothing HAS to be done in the next little while - baby steps; that's all that we can do.  Take time for yourself; be good to yourself.  I don't see myself as 'moving on' - that sounds to me like leaving someone behind and I'll never do that; I see myself as 'moving through' this grief.  You are so new to this journal - you need to give yourself a break and take each day as it comes.  You're letting all of these thoughts; these fears overwhelm you - just take one moment at a time; one task at a time and when it's accomplished, go on to the next.  I agree with Lorioc - make lists of things you want to get done or need to get done.  I still do that - cuz my mind isn't always able to hold a lot of things at once !!!

But I can tell from your writing that you are in a panic - and you need to just relax your mind for a bit.  July will be a good month for you to relax - take time for you - and enjoy your week at the beach with your family.  Your drive back with your daughter will be fun - take 2 days; stop along the way.  You know that Phil will be there cheering you both on - and happy that you are having time with your kids and grandkids. 

Sending you a hug for a peaceful day,

Chris

Comment by lorioc42 on June 28, 2012 at 9:27am

Joellen, my daughter has OCD.  I know, you are asking what does this have to do with anything... well, when she was away at school she would from time to time call me panicking because she had so much to do and she couldn't get any of it done because everything "had" to be done NOW.  I would ask her each time what it was that took priority over the rest:  what assignment was due first and so on.  After she thought for a minute and could address that question then the others fell into place and she finally could begin doing what was needed.  Instead of thinking about everything that needs to be done NOW, try breaking it down and find out what you need to do first.  Do that and then go down the line in priority.  I'm sure we all have been slammed with things we have never done done before and yet they still need to be done.  It's hard enough having to deal with the death of our partners in life let alone having to deal with the rest.  When you start feeling overwhelmed, take a deep breath and relax your mind.  I found that I had to make lists because I couldn't keep a clear thought in my mind for 5 minutes.  A list was very helpful and helped to keep me on track.  And sorry for my saying that whose business is it for anyone to tell you that what you should or shouldn't be doing?   If these people have never walked this road, how could they possibly know anything about it?  Even if they did, everyone is different.  Do what YOU need to do - for you!  Give yourself time and you will get the answers to your questions and be kind to yourself.... {{{HUGS}}}

Comment by Aberend on June 28, 2012 at 9:25am

Joellen
What you're feeling is totally normal. And when people said to me, it's time to move on, it drove me crazy. Moving on is your schedule not soneone else's. It's important to keep moving but move on when you are ready and you will know when that time comes. When I lost my husband last year suddenly I was in shock for probably six or more months. I was only married seven years and fortunately I did a lot of the things in the house but my husband used to tell me that it would be hard for me to sell our house or do this or that and I did it all from another state but with the help of my close friends. So you will be surprised at the inner strenghth you have and what you can do. We also had two older dogs and about six months after he passed, I had to put them both down which I never thought I could handle, they were our children as we didn't have any. It was incredibly hard but I did get thru it even though I miss them all every day. You'll find that inner strenghth. It's there!

Andrea B

Comment by Joellen on June 28, 2012 at 7:59am

This morning because of all the confusion I seem to be going through I actually feel sick to my stomach... I have always been one who has been scared of the unknown.. I am basically a black and white person no gray areas in my life  I have always hated change... well that is not what is going on these days.. so many changes and many of them scare the hell out of me. so many things that Phil took care of that I have to figure out and part of me does not want to figure it out yet I have to cause things have to be done. I know I should be thankful that we were together 42 years had so much love and devotion; so many wonderful memories made that some people do not have as many years yet right now  I do not get comfort from that. I wanted more. I wanted to retire like Phil wanted me to and enjoy it with him .. but that is not happening.. I find myself asking WHY more these days.. I know there is no answer. My head really knows that but my heart is the one asking the questions; the one that is haulting me from finding a "new" me  a "new" way to  live and enjoy life  and I do not know how to get over that bump. I live my every day in fear.. fear of the unknown. a fear that has always haunted me. but now there is no one to ease that fear for me  and it is stronger I wake each day wondering what  unknown is going to hit me now. 

what needs to be done in the house ; when do I need to change the furnace filters, what needs to be done on the car,what needs to be done with Phil's bonasi trees to keep them going,  if I go to North Carolina with my son and his family will my daughter and I have trouble getting back home? should that fear stop us from going? what will people think if we go when Phil has only been gone 3 months? why do I care what people think, these are just a few of the things that bug me each day I wake. and I wonder why?  I take a few steps forward and lately it seems like for every 3 steps I take forward I fall back 12 and fall hard.. was I really functioning through shock for 2 full months cause I really feel like after week 2 I was doing so much better than I am doing now at week 12(it will be week 12 on saturday) My one son says I am doing good that I will have days where I cry and cry hard for the rest of my life. this will never change. stop being so hard on myself.. yet I just don't know. other people say it is time for me to move on.. why I don't want to. friends well I thought they were friends; ignore me. other friends who are really friends tell me this will last for long long time.. can you tell I am  in a confussion rambling mode again today.... Maybe cause I am a few days away from having the whole month of July off and this was always when Phil and  I were together 24/7 cause I was off of work for the entire month and now he is not here this July. who knows all I know is it is another change...  thanks everyone for letting me ramble and for your support...

Comment by Diane on June 28, 2012 at 7:05am

Joellen...confusion is the new normal at this early time of grief.  I have lost so many things in the last almost 5 months, some of them I still can't find.  I have to work really, really hard to concentrate on my work, that used to come so easily, so I don't make mistakes, but I still make them.  I have to fess up to a customer in just about an hour and am dreading it, but such is life.  I hate chaos, but it's all over my brain right now.  I do have a passion for cleaning out my house since Donald died, the grief counsellor told me that when my thoughts are so out of order, probably that accounts for trying so hard to put my home in order.  She also said, there is no way around this but to go thru it and keeps assuring me that it will get better.  I see tiny signs that she's right.    Try to keep the faith, lady!!!!   You're in my thoughts.

Chris, you are one smart cookie.  I just loved your post.  I hope I can write something similar someday.  What you wrote just speaks so loudly and so clearly of the gifts of loss; just getting down to what is true and good and throwing the rest away.  When we lost our beloved partners, we lost a part of ourselves that will never return, to become your own person seems exactly the right next step.  Thank you so much for that post.  I told my assistant that I wish I could just blink my eyes and a year would go by.  She said, but then you'd never see Owen (my 7 month old grandson) grow through it.  She was soooo right, we have to take the good with the bad in life and just keep chugging along.

Comment by chez2all on June 27, 2012 at 9:23pm

Lovie, the alone time was vital for me after my husband suicided.  Friends and family wanted to take it in turns to keep me company 24 hours a day (maybe they thought I was going to join him???) but as this is my 2nd time and I have a disabled daughter and 2 other children who need me and I made it through the first time without these thoughts I felt I had a rite to turf them all out of the house so I could 'process' what had happened.  I also wasn't afraid to take ppl up on their offers of help this time...some shied away, others just rolled up their sleeves and got to work...u soon learn who u can lean on when ur sick to death of 'being strong'. 

Comment by chris on June 27, 2012 at 7:43pm

Diane, I have had similar experiences, but they have tempered with time. At first I felt that my skin had been ripped off my body and all of my secrets were revealed to the world. My emotions were raw. Whether or not someone liked or disliked me or something that I did was insignificant compared to the pain I felt. Also like you I became much more comfortable asking for things that I needed. Everyone kept saying "What can I do to help", so I took them up on it. The worse that happened is they said no or stopped being friendly. Big deal, it is not as if it killed them :-)

On the flip side I think I am more compassionate and charitable. I am not so quick to jump down someone's throat when they've said something offensive or stupid. There is enough pain swirling through people's lives that I don't need to add to it.

It may sound strange, but on the whole I'm pleased with these changes and the person I've become. I have found people (some old friends and some new) who like me and it feels very honest; there is a lot less bull shit in my life. I still do care what people think of me but my reaction is different. I want to explain and have them understand me and why I do things but I have no interest in changing to please them. If someone understands me and still doesn't like me, well they can go piss up a rope. The old saying "Life is short" has taken on new meaning for me. Maybe it is just me but in order to rejoin the living and experience joy again I have had to become my own person.

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