Suddenly widowed

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Comment by Su on June 28, 2012 at 9:55pm

Joellen, When I read the letters, they ring true. It's nice that I'm not alone in my feelings. It's ok to cry. When my dad died, my sister convinced my mother that she was crying too much and should be over that part of it. They were married 55 years. My sister talked Mom into getting medication. I now realize it doesn't matter how long it's been, it's ok to cry. It's also ok to want to be alone. I not sure my adult children get it. But I really don't care. August will be hard for me. Our youngest daughter will be having her 1st baby. Ted won't be there. Of course, he never connected with the babies (this is our 4th granddaughter). As they got older and could sit in his lap, that's when he really bonded. Then my nephew is getting married on August 11 in California. Depending on when the baby is born, I'll go to that. I hadn't talked to my brother or sister in several years. But they did come for Ted's wake, so I feel kind of obligated. 

Comment by Joellen on June 28, 2012 at 8:30pm

su tht is a strong possibility as today was the last day of work for me till August 1st and I am not having a good night at all. thinking of a reason to get out of bed tomorrow and I can't think of one. :) I know I will but I wonder why,. I told mandy today on my way taking her to work that is it ok with her if we do not stay a whole week if it gets too rough for me. I knew what she would say but I had to hear it from her and of course she said Mom no problem if we stay one day or 7 it is your call. so now I am thinking about it more. Su did you have any good days there at all? sorry you are crying now.. wish I could dry your tears or at least give you a hug.. hope you have a better tomorrow

Comment by Su on June 28, 2012 at 8:23pm

Joellen, I bet you are feeling this way because you have the month of July ahead of you. Since you've never been to there, go on the trip. You probably won''t have anything to associate to. (does that make sense?) I was in Portland with our youngest daughter and husband. They just moved there and have a new apartment. Ted was never there  The first day was tough, I wanted out of there. The second not so bad. But I'm back @ home now, crying as I read these posts. I so get them. 

Comment by Joellen on June 28, 2012 at 11:48am

thanks Chris, I told mandy that  if I decide to give in and go nothing says we have to stay an entire week. whenever we decide or I decide I should say that enough is enough we can go.  she is in agreeance with that. there are just so many fears that I have that I can't seem to shake.  I feel so shaky.. and unsure of things. It is strange how I felt so with it ; on top of things earlier on these past 2 weeks or so I feel like I am really falling apart. I am even crying more and more.

Comment by Joellen on June 28, 2012 at 11:39am

there is a grief support group starting up the end of July they meet once a week for 6 weeks. I am thinking about signing up for it.

Comment by Diane on June 28, 2012 at 11:32am

Joellen...you aren't saying anything I didn't think.  It IS scarey being alone after all these years.  It IS confusing trying to find your bearings without your compass.  I have read a ton of books on grief and everything you say sounds  perfectly normal to me, though I sure never felt normal thinking it, though now I know I was.  Have you considered attending a grief support group?  Our local hospice had one that was free and awesome.  My daughters and I attended together and meet once a month with the group even though the formal sessions have ended.  Also Don was a Life Banc donor, was Phil?  If so, you can get free one on one counselling there.  If not, your insurance may cover it.  You are normal, perfectly normal in your reactions.  This journey takes time and work, a whole lot of both.  Take care.

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on June 28, 2012 at 11:14am

Oh Jo - Like I've said before, I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a real hug.  I know how difficult it is - I know how scared you are; and I know how hard it is to move through it all.  You shouldn't worry what people think about you going away for a week - afterall, you are going with your family and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks.  They are not in your shoes, they are not living your life - you deserve some time to relax; to enjoy your kids and grandkids; to feel the breeze on your face; to listen to the waves; to look into the starry night knowing Phil is there looking back at you and smiling with pride.

Your sons, I'm sure, will be more than happy to give you advice or guidance - they would probably be thrilled that you're asking them.  It lets them know that there is something that they can do to help you. They want to help - but they just don't know what to do or how to help; so this will give them some direction too.

Deep breathing, Jo - that will help you out of the panic state - and help the oxygen get to your brain to keep you in focus.  It will relax you - and so will sitting on the porch, at the beach, listening to the laughter of your grandchildren and the waves lapping at the shoreline. 

Know that we're all here for you, anytime,

Chris

Comment by Joellen on June 28, 2012 at 10:50am

thanks Chris and  Lorioc.. I am a total mess today as you can tell from my post. today is my last day at work till August 1 so that may be some of the reason. I have no reason to get out of bed now. where this day was usually met with joy I now meet it with fear.. sadness and confusion..  I agree; I do not want to "move on" that I agree is like I would be leaving Phil behind; not having him with me and that will NEVER happen in my life, in my world. If I am to continue living till we are together again I need him at my side; I need his love and his strength and his faith in me to carry forth.. If I "move on" I feel like I would lose all that and that would kill me.  Yes Chris today I guess I look back to even yesterday and I am completely overwhelmed.. so mny changes.. and I do not know if I will be able to handle them with out Phil to guide me ; to tell me what to do and how to do it.  I am so scared to let my self just "go with the flow" and go to North Carolina.. why am I so scared. why am I so worried what people will think of me for going when Phil has only been gone 3 months... why am I so scared that I may laugh and enjoy the beach; why oh why..  money is tight; I  wonder should I really go although it will only cost mandy and me gas money bradley is paying for everything else cause they are going no matter what this is their two week vacation that they had planned for over a year. they went last year and booked it again for this year cause they had so much fun...  see I am so confused and I am in a panic mode...  I need to slow down right; shut my mind off for awhile but it just is not happening...  Good point. I will make a list of things that I think need to be done and ask my sons who are home owners and car owners what needs to be done and when.  Sad to think that after all these years of guiding them I now as  the parent need guidance from them.  bottom line.. I AM SCARED AND CONFUSED.but mainly scared..  I have never lived alone; never had to make decissions myself. It was always my parents and then Phil... and now I am alone and I am past scared I am petrified. Phil was so much more than just a husband.. he was my world and it has been shattered... today is not going well.  The other day I moved some things around in the kitchen so that I could reach them easier and  now I feel like I should put things back the way Phil had them and just use the kitchen stool to get what I need when I need it.

thanks for all your support today. and every day...

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on June 28, 2012 at 9:44am

Joellen - Don't apologize for rambling; that is what we're here for - to listen, to talk, to vent, to cry..............just to support each other as we travel this road.  But I do want you to take a deep breath - take several of them - and slow down a bit.  Nothing HAS to be done in the next little while - baby steps; that's all that we can do.  Take time for yourself; be good to yourself.  I don't see myself as 'moving on' - that sounds to me like leaving someone behind and I'll never do that; I see myself as 'moving through' this grief.  You are so new to this journal - you need to give yourself a break and take each day as it comes.  You're letting all of these thoughts; these fears overwhelm you - just take one moment at a time; one task at a time and when it's accomplished, go on to the next.  I agree with Lorioc - make lists of things you want to get done or need to get done.  I still do that - cuz my mind isn't always able to hold a lot of things at once !!!

But I can tell from your writing that you are in a panic - and you need to just relax your mind for a bit.  July will be a good month for you to relax - take time for you - and enjoy your week at the beach with your family.  Your drive back with your daughter will be fun - take 2 days; stop along the way.  You know that Phil will be there cheering you both on - and happy that you are having time with your kids and grandkids. 

Sending you a hug for a peaceful day,

Chris

Comment by lorioc42 on June 28, 2012 at 9:27am

Joellen, my daughter has OCD.  I know, you are asking what does this have to do with anything... well, when she was away at school she would from time to time call me panicking because she had so much to do and she couldn't get any of it done because everything "had" to be done NOW.  I would ask her each time what it was that took priority over the rest:  what assignment was due first and so on.  After she thought for a minute and could address that question then the others fell into place and she finally could begin doing what was needed.  Instead of thinking about everything that needs to be done NOW, try breaking it down and find out what you need to do first.  Do that and then go down the line in priority.  I'm sure we all have been slammed with things we have never done done before and yet they still need to be done.  It's hard enough having to deal with the death of our partners in life let alone having to deal with the rest.  When you start feeling overwhelmed, take a deep breath and relax your mind.  I found that I had to make lists because I couldn't keep a clear thought in my mind for 5 minutes.  A list was very helpful and helped to keep me on track.  And sorry for my saying that whose business is it for anyone to tell you that what you should or shouldn't be doing?   If these people have never walked this road, how could they possibly know anything about it?  Even if they did, everyone is different.  Do what YOU need to do - for you!  Give yourself time and you will get the answers to your questions and be kind to yourself.... {{{HUGS}}}

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