Suddenly widowed

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Comment by Joellen on July 11, 2012 at 2:47pm

It sounds like you had a real nice birthday. My kids made my day nice as well plus we had that butterfly release on my birthday so this year instead of Phil doing something special for me we did something special for him. It was bittersweet but peaceful and comforting too.  What will help some in noth carolina is the fact that My daughter and I will be sharing one bedroom; my grandkids will be in the other and my son and daugter in law in the other so at least I will not be alone which being away from home I think would be hard.  you are such an inspiration to me. you share each step that you have gone through and it gives me hope and strength to go forth...  July 4th when we were all together for the first family gathering since Phil's death we all pictured him sitting in his chair right by the door in the shade taking it all in. once I sat there and my one daughter inlaw looked at me and started to cry and said Oh Mom. I am so used to pa sitting there and I would stop and chat with him as I was going in for more food or coming out with something and he would always "steal" a goodie off my plate.. I miss him so much I can only imagine what this is for you.... but Chris we got through the day... and I only had a few minor melt downs. It was not as bad as I thought it would be.

Thanks for always being here with a supportive suggestion, a sharing of your days to uplift me ; or just a friendly hello. you are an awesome lady and a inspiration to me always..  :) thanks.. jo

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on July 11, 2012 at 2:35pm

Thank you - the day wasn't too bad actually.  Had a couple of 'moments' while alone but then got to work and was busy.  After work, the kids and their Mom and my grand baby and I all went out to dinner, so that was nice.  Somehow being surrounded by the love of my family makes me feel like Mark is right there too - so it makes me smile and fills my soul with happiness.  I can see Mark sitting there at the head of the table, loving the cake and enjoying everyone together and that makes me happy. 

Your kids are very wise and I love hearing their thoughts.  Makes me think a lot too !!  About 4 months after Mark passed away, I took the kids for a vacation to the beach at St. Augustine, FL.  I was apprehensive about everything - driving that distance without Mark (and no GPS), being on 'vacation' without him, being miserable the whole time...........But I have to admit that it was relaxing, peaceful and fun.  I had my moments - sleeping in the beautiful master bedroom overlooking the ocean without him was hard, watching the sunrise over the water was hard and if the tears came, I let them..........

The kids had a good time - and we all were glad that we went.  I always take my favorite 5x7 framed photo of me and Mark with me, wherever I go.  I have it on my nightstand so that it's the last thing I look at before I go to sleep and the first thing that I see in the morning - so I take it with me whenever I go anywhere.  It makes me feel comfortable and comforted. 

Hugs,

Chris

Comment by Joellen on July 11, 2012 at 2:27pm

Happy belated birthday and if it was anything like my birthday on June 26th it was not a happy day..  The celebration was just not the same without our heroes there. Congrats on your son's engagement I know that was a bittersweet day as well as your husband was not there to share in the excitement of the day.. as for my kids I do not know how all of a sudden they all got so intellegent :)  they all keep coming up with all these words. :)

I am hoping to feel some peace and sleep while with the kids..as I have been having some pretty rough days lately. I sure wish I knew what kind of signs to be watching for  from Phil that sure would make this trip so much more comforting and worthwhile.. funny thing is I am stressing out now. just having to pack I am shaking like a leaf in a strong wind...  this is the first time I will go anywhere without him. another of he many firsts in this new journey... thanks as always for you kind words and strong support they really mean alot to me and are helpful.. thanks  hugs Jo

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on July 11, 2012 at 2:01pm

Hi Jo - I haven't been on in awhile either; my birthday was Friday, and it was a little tough for me and my son Heath got engaged on July 4th (his fiance's birthday) so we've had a lot going on.  And I truly know what you mean about the ups and downs of this journey.  I think we always will have them.

Wow, your son is so very wise and can truly put his thoughts into words so beautifully.  He is right - you are going to need, miss and love Phil everyday of your life !  As difficult as it is, we can't stop living.......... And Jo - remember, you are living and doing things for the 2 of you now - so you will be enjoying this family vacation for both of you !  I believe that you'll have a relaxing and peaceful time.  You'll have Mandy with you - so the drive won't be so bad.

Like I've said before, Phil will be with you on this trip - you'll see signs of his presense and you'll know that he is proud and happy that you decided to make the trip.  Please relax and don't stress so much over it - you might just enjoy yourself. 

Hugs to you, my friend.

Comment by Joellen on July 11, 2012 at 1:38pm

Hi Chris.. it has been awhle since I have been on.. been having more down days then up but then you know all so well how that goes. you warned me that is how it goes.. well seems like my kids have made my decission for me and saturday my daughter and I will be leaving with my one son and his family for a few days in North Carolina. My other sons and their families will take care of my dog and cat and house. As you know my heart is not in it..  Phil is only gone 3 months but as my one son put it.. "Mom, you are going to need, miss and love dad every day for the rest of your life. You will have days you will cry days you will smile and days you will laugh... He would want you to go with us at least for a few days and laugh with the kids laugh for him. cry into the ocean if you want but you can't stop living.. daddy did.. not you too please" So not wanting to upset my kids Mandy and I are going for a few days . They are going for 2 weeks that is just way too long for me.  I just pray I do ok and do not upset anyone there and mandy and I make the drive back home ok.. to say I am not scared would be a lie. to say I do not feel guilty is a lie too. I feel so guilty to be going; and scared about the drive back home with just my daughter and our GPS...  thanks as always for your support...  my heart is just not in this trip... but........................

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on July 11, 2012 at 1:27pm

Deneice - I also am so sorry that you're having such a horrible days, unfortunately it's all part of this new journey that we're on.  It can be three steps forward and two steps back.  Mark and I planned on growing old together - we planned a future together and that was all cut short 26 months ago.  As I say that '26 months', it's difficult to believe that I have survived that length of time without him physically here with me.  And it doesn't seem possible that he's been gone that long. 

I have good days and bad days.  As someone so eloquently put it, this grief is like riding on the ocean, somedays you're riding on top of the waves, enjoying the sun and the surf - then all of a sudden, a huge wave roars in and takes you to the bottom - and you climb back out once again.  Pretty much sums it up. 

But we're all on this journey together - just at different intervals, so let yourself cry, vent, scream......don't push yourself to hard or expect too much from yourself.  Be gently with you...............and come here often.

Hugs to you,

Chris

Comment by LarryT on July 11, 2012 at 1:27pm

Hello everybody. I've been out of pocket for a while, its been a pretty hectic summer so far. A lot of changes happening right now. But today would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary. I took the day off and Im doing a few things around the house. I cried so much the last few days that today I just feel kind of numb. I just want to go to her graave and spend the rest of the day with my son.

Comment by Joellen on July 11, 2012 at 12:50pm

Oh Deneice how my heart breaks for you.  I feel your pain. My husband of 42 years died April 7 of this year we went to sleep and he did not wake up. I have never been alone either I was married at 19 and went right from my parents loving arms and home into Phil's.. I hate this new life. This journey sucks.. I have been having some really bad down time lately too. where all I do is cry  just like you and your husband , Phil and I did everything together.. everything being alone now and having to do things alone is hard. I am off from work the whole month of July and that is when we did so much stuff every day and now these days just drag on. although I am glad I do not have to go to work cause I am really dreading that having to be around people who are laughing and upbeat and just do not totally understand.. but I have to work at least 2 more years . Keep coming here Deneice we will go through this journey together. the ladies on here who have walked this journey longer than you and I are such a uplifting comfort and support... hugs to you... jo

Comment by deneice on July 11, 2012 at 11:55am

it has been a horrible day for me. I woke up crying and havent been able to quit. I have so many emotions going through my head. I was with my husband almost all my life and now i am alone, I wanted to grow old with him. I have three children all going through there own thing. Thirteen is a hard age any way especially for girls, she says some of the most heartbreaking things in the world. I have never been alone and this is so crazy. I hurt so bad that it isnt funny. We always laughed and joked and spent time together. I have so many first to go through. And most days i dont even want to wake up. I just want to find some kind of peace and comfert, though i dont see that happening for such a long time.

Comment by NC Coco on July 9, 2012 at 8:59pm

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words.  I have started attending a bereavement class at our local hospice.  So far, it has been quite helpful.  Tomorrow, we are discussing ways to deal with stress, which is something I truly need. 

Hugs and easy days to all of you.

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