Suddenly widowed

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Comment by Joellen on July 25, 2012 at 4:24pm

emy is there any way that you could not be home when they tow it away? so that you could just come home and it be gone??

Comment by Emy on July 25, 2012 at 4:05pm

I just finalized the sale of my husband's clunker of a car. I should be happy about it because every time I walk by it, it is a visual signal that my husband was home and the grief would kick in knowing that he wasn't but I feel quite sad.  There is no way I could drive it, however, due it its being too long and too old to drive safely.  I'm dreading tomorrow.  When that tow truck comes, I won't know how to react.  

Comment by blueskies on July 25, 2012 at 11:48am

Hello to all, hope today is a better day...I am doing some reading in a book called .....Healing your Traumatized Heart....and would like to share some things I thought would be helpful......Make a list of ten things you're good at.  Post it where you can see it every morning.  Do one of them today and afterwards, reflect on how you feel.......I get comfort helping other people....I placed an add in the village flyer for widows that may need assistance to guide them to this beautiful site...I also baked a cake  for my 89 year old mother  (I am 52).....Recognize your unique talents and gifts.  Start each day acknowledging how unique you are!  Also call a close friend who may have distanced himself from you since the death and tell him how much you need him right now.  Suggest specific ways he or she can help.........What is the next holiday?  Make a game plan right now and let those you usually spend the day with know of your plan well in advance.......one more for now....If you believe in heaven or an afterlife  (or even if you are not sure) imagine the reunion you may one day have with the person who died.  Imagine the joy of being able to see, touch and talk to this person again.  Imagine what you will say to one another.......hug close friends and family today even if you usually don;t....you might just like it!  Big Hugs to all

Comment by lovie on July 25, 2012 at 11:18am

Juliana, I am so happy to read that you have a renewed interest in your journey toward healing and peace. I, too, saw widows that had not made the effort to move forward and like you I said I did not want to fall into that pit. I have also found that when I attempt to encourage other widows, I benefit from my own words. Sometimes its like "Wow, did I just say that?!" Then I feel obligated to practice what I preach...a.k.a "walk the talk".  Blessings to you toward healing and peace. Inspiring others has its own rewards! 

Comment by Juliana on July 25, 2012 at 10:33am

It has been almost seven months since my husband died of complications from surgery. There have been so many strong emotions to deal with that I didn't think I would survive.  I went to Arkansas for a month to take care of a friend who had to have breast cancer surgery.  She has been widowed for 7 years now.  It seemed as though she has made no progress at all toward healing.  She's very negative and has no social life.  I definitely don't want to end up like that.  When I came home (as sad as it was to know that Ken would not be there, I had a renewed sense of determination to make it all the way through this journey.  I definitely have a more positive, optimistic attitude. 

Comment by Joellen on July 24, 2012 at 7:08pm

thank you all for all your encouraging words and comfort that they brought. I had a few meltdowns today but fought through them and comtinued on with my day. I read and re read all of the posts and got alot of comfort and made me think and reflect on lots of things and when mandy came down and asked if I wanted to go out and do something I said sure.. cause  I wanted to get a huge frame to place several pictures of Phil in it to hang on the wall in the back room like I have of our son Scott.  while while out mandy and I ran into some huge sales and Mandy talked me into buying some gifts for the grandchildren for christmas.. while I shudder to think just how I will be feeling at christmas time she made sense so  I had a $25 gift card and I get a 15% educational discount  I saved a bunch of money and got some nice stuff.  when we got in the car My daughter hugged me and said Mom; you just made daddy so proud.... Now I started to feel guilty and then I thoght that if Phil was in the store with me he would have told me to make the purchases too at that cost. so I am ok tonight...  do't know how I will be tomorrow but right now I feel ok.

Comment by chris on July 24, 2012 at 6:15pm

Just a few more observations about guilt. A lot of people (including me initially) equate the intensity of their grief and pain with the intensity of their love for their dead spouse. That is to say if I really loved my wife then I should be feeling lots of pain, and if I didn't love her then I won't feel much pain. After talking to and observing lots of widows I have come to believe that this equation is plain wrong and that there isn't an obvious or simple relationship between pain and love. Yes some love deeply and suffer greatly, but others love deeply and do not. And some people suffer a lot even though they loved only a little.

For me some of my guilt was caused by this unexpected imbalance. I was able to laugh; does that mean that subconsciously I didn't love my wife? I was able to enjoy listening to my child in a school concert; does this mean that I hated going places with my wife? No, it means neither of those things, it is just the way I am and how I respond to things.

If you're feeling guilty ask yourself the question: does pain equal love? Maybe it will help you sort things out. I hope so, it helped me.

For what it's worth I suspect there is a connection between pain and dependency. People who were emotionally or physically dependent on their spouse seem to have a rougher time of it.

I have also found it helpful to get pissed off at guilt. When I am irritated by something I try to analyse and understand it and then get rid of it. Works for me, but I am kinda weird. LOL.

Comment by suebru (Sue) on July 24, 2012 at 12:01pm

Thank you for all of each of your posts.....I am at 2 months/3 weeks....and I find each time I visit this group, I come away encouraged and not feeling so alone on this roller coaster ride. I was a mess this past weekend and just felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. I should have done this, I should have done that....and all the "what ifs", mixed in.

Everyone says I'm doing great and they could never be as strong....if they only knew that my sadness is ever present. I understand that mourning is "healthy" and hard work, too.....something we must go through. So, I'm hitting it head on and will do the best I can and hopefully, one day,  be able to help others who have experienced a profound loss. Love and hugs to you all :-)

Comment by blueskies on July 24, 2012 at 11:57am

Wow, I am feeling comfort and enjoying all the correspondences from everyone this morning....Joellen, I am 6 months out and remember the 4 month mark was more difficult for me than now and I am pleasantly surprised.  When I went to bereavement class for 9 weeks they had mentioned something about the 7 month mark and I could not imagine it but here I am feeling different than I did a few months ago in a positive way.  I went to the movies for the first time with my girlfriend and actually had a good time...when I got home there were moments of sadness but I have my mother to take care of and mostly her house keeps me quite busy.  Staying busy as you all say is oh so true, distract yourself when necessary, it has really helped me.  I also try to live my life like my Monte would want me too, I try to do things that would make him proud of me and try to smile instead of cry because this is what our loves want us to do, be happy not sad.  Big Hugs and kisses to all.....you all are great!  Have to leave now, mom is thru with her physical therapy!

Comment by Diane on July 24, 2012 at 11:31am

HI Joellen....this journey makes us do what we never thought we could but find out we can.  First, I want to tell you that what you have done is identify the source of your discomfort so that is MONUMENTAL!!!  That didn't happen by accident, good work.

 Do you really feel that you have nothing to be guilty about?  If you really believe that, catch yourself every time you start falling into the guilt trap and say ah, hah!  No way, go away and then do everything in your power to ignore it, to prevent yourself from slipping into its grubby hands. Go walking or clean the fridge if you need to to distract yourself, it will get easier the more you do it.  If you don't really believe that you are guiltless, you need to figure out why.  Sometimes we sabotage ourselves because of how we were raised.  Once you figure out why you feel guilty, you can better understand what your next move is which I imagine is akin to Chris's lightbulb that what he is feeling is sadness, but was confusing it with guilt.  What you will likely find is you feel guilty because someone way back taught you to feel guilty when you are sad.  Sadness is hard enough, there is NO need to add guilt for loving someone so much that your insides ache all the time because you miss them so much.

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