Suddenly widowed

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Comment by Kathy on August 21, 2012 at 1:12pm

Joellen I am so sorry you are going through so much grief and disbelief as the rest of us. It is so hard to accept something that tears and shattered our lives apart. It does help to know others understand how we feel. I hope and pray that time will make a differance as far as not hurting and feeling so much pain. Our love ones will never be forgotten nor will our lifes ever be the same but now I pray for strength and peace, and maybe find some kind of happiness in our life once again. I do beleive I will be with my husband and love ones in the next adventure, that is what keeps me going.

Comment by Joellen on August 21, 2012 at 7:24am

q317 and Kathy, I too totally understand what you are saying and feeling. Phil has been gone almost 5 months it will be 5 months Sept. 7th and I miss him more each day. I still have everything of his just as it was the day he died. clothes are still in the dresser, shoes still under the bed, hats where he hung them I just can't remove them like you said it would be like removing him from my life forever and I will not ever do that. we were together 42 years and the flame was still so high and bright we did everything together. we would finish each others sentences.. we were one! to realize that I have years to walk this earth without him is something I can't right now comprehend maybe cause I do not want to.  It is hard to realize that he had a great check up a week before he died in his sleep! I just do not understand that concept. LIke both of you this is the hardest journey I have ever had to travel and mainly cause I am traveling this damn journey ALONE..... I have never lived alone married at 19 this is just unreal... I am thankful for this site as it does let me know that I am not alone in how I feel  yet I still am not sure how any of us will travel forth... hope we all have a soft day...

Comment by Kathy on August 21, 2012 at 1:41am

q317 I understand how you feel and wish I could say something to bring you comfort. It has been 6 months and I miss my husband so much. I am so lonely,   Everything I need to do is a effort. We were married almost 28 years and we pretty much did everything together.The thought of spending what ever time I have left without him by my side is something I just can't wrap my head around. It was pretty much the same, one minute he is with me, healthy, planning our future and the next minute he died from cancer. We did not know he had cancer much less stage 4 throughout his body, no symtoms. He died one week after he was diagnoise, he was gone. I have not been able to do anything with his clothes or personal stuff not sure I can ever remove them from the closet it seems to final. This site does help to understand that we are not alone on how we feel. It is the worst thing I have ever had to do and not sure how to do it.

Comment by brokenhearted on August 21, 2012 at 12:37am

It has been 16 weeks, I sit here alone missing him so much I can barely stand it. How can I get through the next 20-30 years? I don't want to, he was by my side for 32 years, I can never let that go. This is the worst thing I have ever had to do, I feel like I'm going crazy. I was with him then an 1 1/2 hour later he was gone.. brain dead from a fall off a ladder??? How can that happen to someone so young, strong and healthy?? I will neve be able to accept that he is gone. Does it ever get better?? I''m beginning to think not. We met in college and basically grew up together. Even after 32 years I was always happy and excited to come home to him, or for him to get home. We just wanted to be alone together most of the time. He was perfect for me and so much ' younger' than his 57 yrs and 2 months. I hope I can survive this but am beginning to doubt it at this point.  I'm going to crawl in bed with his PJ's again tonight. Have not been able to do anything with his clothes. HIs office is just like he left it, he just went to " work"  and never came home. I didn't see him until he was in the ICU on life support. I never got to say goodbye, talk anything over or tell him one more time how much I loved him.

Comment by EverydayMorning (Sam) on August 20, 2012 at 10:26pm

Dianna489...My husband was born with a heart defect called Transposition of the Great Arteries.  He had a heart transplant  March 6, 2012 after a 15 month wait, but passed 35 days later due to complications.  I had asked about donating his corneas and skin/tissue, but was told they couldn't because they didn't know what was going on and what caused his lungs to die off. 

I constantly think about his donor and their family.  I'm not sure they would even want to talk to me knowing their loved one's heart didn't survive, but I'd still like to thank them for giving Patrick a fighting chance at life. 

I decided when I was 13, 20 years ago, that I wanted to be an organ donor.  I made sure my family constantly knew what I wanted.  This was long before I met Patrick.  Once we found out Patrick needed a heart transplant, we became involved in Donate Life.  We did a lot together as a family, kids included.  The kids and I still do a lot, and are doing more to bring awareness to the need for organ donation, but also the awareness to CHDs.

Comment by SallyStarre on August 20, 2012 at 10:21pm

Hi DIanna489,

My husband was the recipient of a heart translplant in Jan 1996.  Thanks to the selfless donation of our (and I mean our) donor and the donor's family he had 15 very good years that he never would have had otherwise.  I will be forever grateful for this gift of life.  We did write to the donor family but never heard back I know Russ would have liked to meet the donor family. 

Since his transplant we were both very involved with the regional and local organ donor organizations.  We have met many donor family's who have met the recipients and it has been a very positive experience for them.

There is no reason why you can't  make the initial contact. 

Thank you for giving the gift of life.  Let me know how you make out. 

Comment by Kathy on August 20, 2012 at 10:13pm

Dianna489 My husband had a heart transplant in July 5th 1999. He was diagnoise with an enlarge heart in 1997, not sure what caused it as he was healthy, believe it was from being expose to radiation from the Test-Site. Anyway it was a miracle and had he not received the heart when he did they said he would have died by Dec 1999. He had it done in Tuson, Arizona. He never had any rejection and it was a unbelievable how fast he recovered. We spent three months in Tuson and I watch Kids and Adults so sick they had to be hospitalize while waitng for the transplants. My husband and I felt so blessed and felt it was the greatest gift any one could do for another person. We were given 13 more years and he was able to see his only grandchild born in Nov of 1999. He did send a letter to the transplant team to forward it to the Donor's family and express our sorrow for their loss and thank them for such a wonderful gift, and assure them he would take good care of their love ones heart. We never heard back from them. It was such a bitter sweet time for us as we grieved for the donor and their family and it took my husband time to not feel guilty that he lived and the donor died. My oldest son when he got his Driver' License at 16 put down he was a donor, that was in 1984, before there was much information about organ donor's. I asked why would he do that and he said Why would I not do that, if I can help someone and I no longer need my organs. He said my soul would leave and my organs would rot. My son was so much smarter than I was. After seeing what I saw and watching my husband life being saved because of such a wonderful gift I became a organ donor. My husband could not be a donor as he was full of cancer but had he had the chance that is exactly what he would have wanted. 

Comment by Dianna489 on August 20, 2012 at 9:35pm

I was wondering if any of your spouses were organ donors? It wasn't something Mike and I had really discussed before, (he died at 40).  After his accident, he was declared brain dead, and I was asked if I wanted to donate his organs.  It only took me a second to decide that that would've been something that he wanted to do.  He was a very helpful and giving person (not perfect by ANY stretch of the imagination), and I thought that would've been something great to help someone else.  All of his major organs were used, and all of the recipients were recuperating (the last I heard).  I was so relieved to know that he saved the lives of four people! I couldn't imagine 'them' doing those 'things' to him for no reason.  It is possible for me to write the recipients letters, and tell them about Mike, even send a picture.  Or, the recipents could contact me to thank me or whatever (through the organ donation organization).  Has anyone been in contact with the recipents, and if so, how was the experience?  I thought it might be a chance for healing.  I did receive a letter from the organization letting me know the age and sex and what organ they received.  Every day when I check my mail I'm looking for a letter.

Comment by Joellen on August 20, 2012 at 8:11pm

Kathyand AmyN you both must be mind readers cause I feel the same damn way. I don't really want to do this anymore and I have only been at this for 4 months. I wonder how I can do this for YEARS !!! nothing feels right. I am tired of "faking" it  why don't any one understand Phil is dead... I am dead.. i am a shell. I wonder if I will make it one more day without a tear without pain without feeling lonely and empty... Phil's heart stopped and he took mine with him.. I hate this journey and I really do not want it.I wish we could have a choice...

Comment by AmyN on August 20, 2012 at 7:54pm

Wow Kathy, it feels like you are in my head...that is EXACTLY how I feel...how am I supposed to do this for 20 or 30 more years??? I don't want to do it for 20 more MINUTES!!! I feel like my heart is shattered...

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