Suddenly widowed

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Comment by Abby on May 1, 2011 at 7:08pm

Hi Missing Piece: My husband was not killed by a criminal, but I am convinced that his surgeon should be held responsible for his unexpected death. That is a very long story but my husband's sister (who he was not even close with )took it upon her herself to send me a cruel email about how I should have done this right after he died, his mother is 88 years old and I shoud have that for her.....it was such a mean and nasty email that after I had a a good cry, I deleted the email and am "trying" to forget it and consider the source from where it came. Sure it is horrible losing a child but my husband was a young athletic 55 year old male and we had the rest of our lives together.  At this age, losing your soul mate and confidant is a huge loss, and to me I was the primary person in his life and have lost the most. I do see a counsellor as I am only 3 months into this horrible grieving process and she told me that planning a service or whatever it is that I wanted to do was up to ME and no one else. She also said that is will probably be the only time in my life when I can do what I want to do.  So, I did what I wanted to do and what I know my husband would have wanted me to do, and I am done feeling badly about his family and their feelings. They never told me what they wanted til the day I had my event in our home. It was all about my me and my family as they never offered any input, any help, or ever asked me what they could do for me......so while my husband would be sad that his sister was so mean to me, I am "done" with his family and feel that I have suffered enough for this lifetime.  My advice to you is to seek some counselling as it really is helpful and it will help you put things like your husband's family into perspective

Comment by Carol on May 1, 2011 at 4:31pm

Missing Peace - yes, my husband was murdered in a workplace shooting in Nov 2008.  My children were 3.5 & 5 at the time.

 

My perspective may be different than yours...there are no answers to the why's.  Brian was a really great guy - the last person you'd expect to have "multiple gunshot wounds" listed as the cause of death on his death certificate.    My children are very clear that someone did a very bad thing.  That's the only answer to the whys.

 

I am very fortunate that I have been very supported by my family, his family, and my friends.  In many ways our community is all too aware that if this could happen to our family, it could happen to theirs.  Brian's mom has had a very difficult time and like you, I can only say that I hope I never have to experience the loss of a child.  Losing a husband and the father of your young children is just different - not less, not more.  Sounds like seeing a counselor would be a great idea!

It has taken me 2+ years to feel somewhat like myself again.  I am very consciously choosing to have a good life and to celebrate everyday that I'm here to enjoy my kids (even though they drive me crazy at times!) and my life.  From my perspective, anything else is letting Brian's killer do more damage to my life and that's just not an option for me.

 

I hope this helps - feel free to msg me anytime.  I really do understand the shock, etc.

Hugs to you!

 

Comment by Shannon on May 1, 2011 at 3:51pm

Missing Peace, my deepest condolences for your tragedy!  First and foremost, you are not alone in this widow journey, nor are you with raising a child that age without her father.  My son was only 9 months when my husband died in May of 2008 in a car accident.  Those questions are tough when it comes from him about where his daddy is and why we can't go visit him.  If you ever need a talk, that why we are all here. 

Comment by missing.peace on May 1, 2011 at 1:37pm

Hi.. I'm new to this site.  I was widowed suddenly in August of 2008 when my husband was murdered.  I was just wondering if there are any other widows/widowers on here who lost their loved one to crime and how they've dealt with it.. the sudden loss, the unanswered why (it was a random act of senseless violence-still unsolved), the looks from people when they ask how and the looks of suspicion, explaining to your child when they ask why- not wanting them to grow up afraid of the world yet not wanting to candy-coat how their parent was taken from us too soon.  Our daughter was only 6 months old at the time of his death and now that she's three the questions about why are starting.

 

on top of that there's just the feelings of being so completely alone through this journey.  friends have distanced themselves for whatever reasons.. my family has been supportive, but his family has made this even harder.  competing on whose grief is worse (I've never said mine was worse, just that everyones grief is unique to themselves) but I've been told that because he was their blood that it's worse for them, that losing a child is the worst thing possible..  my mil even said to me.. "I know you lost your husband, but I hope you never have to lose your child"  his mother was upset that the funeral was focused on us as his family and not them as his family -when I'm fairly certain that the funeral was focused on HIM and what an amazing person HE was.  -sorry, yes.. I know, I'm a little upset and frustrated about these things.  and no, I haven't seen a counselor.  yet.  

 

I'd just like to meet some people to relate to..  I'm glad I came across this website and I'm looking forward to perhaps connecting with some people who might have insight moving forward in this life.  

Comment by Shannon on May 1, 2011 at 9:49am

Lilac, Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation and Widows Wear Stilettos both had sites over the past 4 years.  I'm sorry you didn't find them before this site became available.  I don't know where I'd be had I not found those sites after my husband died.  I'm thankful Supa started this though because it adds a whole new level to it and is reaching more people more quickly.

Comment by lilacsparkle on May 1, 2011 at 12:41am

I wish this site was available when my husband first passed over a year ago.  I felt physically and emotionally spent for months.  Just as the first anniversary of his death came around, I was finally starting to feel some what normal again.  It's been a long road, that first year was so tough.  He died suddenly from a major heart attack in his sleep.  I woke up the next day and found him lifeless.  It was instant panic, shock and denial.  How I got through it was a miracle.

Comment by jacuser on April 29, 2011 at 8:38am

Dear Lucky,

     Thank you for your kind words.  I do count myself as very fortunate to have been loved by 2 wonderful men.  I am in good health and have wonderful family and now have Patrick's family as well.  I thank you Lucky for reminding me as sometimes I do go into the "pity party" and stay there too long.  I am very lonely and do hate being alone but I do know that God is with me and does support me especially in those "down" times.  I certainly have no idea what it is like to lose a spouse at a young age and to raise little children on my own.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  God bless.

Comment by Lucky on April 29, 2011 at 3:55am

Hi Jacuser, you surely have gone through a lot of pain having lost two people you loved. I pray that you focus on the positive things God has done for you and that way, you will realize that God has always been  there and He is still there with you. For instance, you were married to your first husband for 38 years, you should thank God for that, some of us could have given anything to get half of those years with our spouses. God went a head and gave you a second chance and  someone else to love and marry you, some of us do not even know whether there is any second chance for us. Your children are grown up and you are even blessed with grandchildren. I have small children 7 and 2 and my prayer is that God will let me stay with them until they are able to take care of themselves, I fear that if anything happened to me, they be orphaned and will suffer. As whether I will live to see my grandchildren that to me will be an added blessing. Did not hear  you complain of any illness so I assume God has given you good health and you should be thankful.Count your blessings dear and you will realize  you have more than you ever imagined. I pray that your heart will heal and you will be able to appreciate life once again. God bless you and give you peace. Will be praying for you.

Comment by MsKris12 on April 28, 2011 at 2:25pm

Thank you for sharing jacuser!  It is so nice to get some sort of "validation"  from up above or the other side.  I have had similar signs that I am not alone whether it is God, my spirit guides, angels or my spouse, I don't care-it makes it a little easier sometimes to cope.

Comment by MissHIm11 on April 28, 2011 at 2:14pm

Jacuser, 

Your story is beautiful. Today would be my 4th wedding anniversary. I alway called Jorge my angel without wings. He saved me from many things. Why did God taken him from me? I know God is providing for us as he promised to care for the widows and orphans. I am forever grateful for him but also so mad that he took my husband. I am taking it one step at a time. Hugs to you. 

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