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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1593
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Comment by Imogen on March 28, 2017 at 3:19pm

When The one year anniversary came I went on a vacation.  I did not want to be here.  I didn't enjoy the travelling alone, no one to say "Hey isn't that interesting!" to, so that got old fast.  But I was glad I did it.

At the airport when they robotically ask you the questions at security I was doing fine, until all of a sudden.  "Do you have family at home?"  No I thought, we had no children, I don't have family, & tears slowly came down my face.  He was so nice.  Asked me if I was OK & sent me on my way.  I was fine until he said that.  How fast a reminder can come.  Of course in Europe I was constantly asked why I was alone.  Travel alone & yo sure stick out.  From bus drivers, waiters, shop owners, on a day tour.  It was constant.  My accent gave it away * wasn't from there and people HAD to know.  Wold have bee nice to just meld & be left alone. & not constantly reminded my husband died so I am alone.

Comment by going.on.slowly on March 28, 2017 at 2:34pm
I was fortunate enough to have a visitation from my husband about 3 weeks after he died. I was in bed and,after a sleepless night, had fallen partially asleep early in the morning. I was on my side and I felt my husband, Tom, right behind me in bed. I felt the sheets move and he spooned me and put his arms around me and whispered in my ear "remember when I would do this?" Then he said "it's so good here!!" meaning where he is now. And then he said, very excitedly, "I'm in the Sarapulse!!!" I knew what that meant, somehow. Because when he said it I could feel warm, circulating air going around him. And that was what the sarapulse was. Then I "woke up" (because I wasn't really sleeping - I was just in that place between awakenness and sleep. I jumped out of bed crying. My sister was still here with me and was in my livingroom. I ran out and told her what happened. She started looking up the word "sarapulse" on Google. Of course, she couldn't find it. I told her that it isn't an earthly word...I believe it's a heavenly word. I feel very blessed to have had that experience!
Comment by Soul searcher on March 28, 2017 at 1:36pm

Hi Nieta,

 

                   I am sorry for your loss. I totally agree with on “our loved ones is simply a different address”. It is my belief that our loves do still worry and care for us. About a month after my wife Lori died, I had a very comforting encounter, using one of the most well respected mediums in the country,  that has solidified my belief of that.

 

                 My symbol is a little white rabbit named C.J. Bunny. It became a very powerful symbol for my wife and me during our marriage. He would travel with us. He is probably as close to being the Velveteen rabbit as a   little bunny can be. Now he travels with me  riding shotgun;  he helps me get through the tough times by helping remember what a precious gift I was given. Even though the amount of time together wasn’t long enough

 

                I talk to my wife all the time. I believe heaven is around us not in the sky. I think it functions at a different frequency. So I truly believe our loved ones can check up on us and can hear when we talk to them. I think they have their own things going on in that next realm; but on special days and when we are truly in need they are close. I think our loved ones will come to us.

               Dream state is probably  one of the best times; because I think we can and do have a connection to the next realm. Our subconscious, I think, is a channel for many things. Being visited by our loved ones is a definite benefit   

 

                 So everything you said make complete sense to me.  Thank you for sharing. I truly hope you find peace. 

Comment by Nieta on March 28, 2017 at 12:35pm

Going on Slowly,

I wouldn't rule out someone at home thinking of you and worrying about you.  It is my belief that home for our loved ones is simply a different address.  Of course, that's not quite the same as the home we are accustomed to here.  I agree that the coming home to an empty house is...well..it pretty much stinks.

Our little family was comprised of my husband, me and our canine son.  Now my husband and our fuzzy son are both on the other side of an invisible veil along with my only sibling and other loved ones.

Memories are everywhere and they travel with me wherever I go.  Thankfully, I am better able to function and better able to keep the grief in a safe place but it does still surface.  When it first happened, I couldn't take a step anywhere without feeling as if I were just hit with a bullet with each one.  It's not quite that bad anymore - it's different, but it's still there.

It's been more than 3 years since that awful, awful day and I still think of him all the time, miss him all the time and sleep with a teddy bear and a stuffed Westie pup that symbolize my little family.  I don't really care if anyone thinks that is wrong or crazy, it makes me feel better.  I remember being in Build-A-Bear with him where we met after work because he wanted to get me a special teddy bear.  I even put a sound bite in the paw that sounds like the Cookie Monster and it says about 4 different phrases.  The last two are my favorite:  "Me so glad to see you" and "Me love you."

Very early this morning - sometime between 4 and 5:30am, I remember dreaming of a younger version of my Patrick.  Odd thing is he was in my mom's kitchen in the apartment where I grew up.  I looked at him and said, "I need a hug."  He looked at me and replied, "Are you sure it's okay?"  I replied, "Yes" and we gave each other a strong hug. 

I can see I'm rambling again so I'll close my post here.

Wishing you courage, peace of mind and the most beautiful memories that will last your lifetime.

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on March 28, 2017 at 11:18am

Terry, 

I was angry w/everything, everyone, but nothing or no one in particular. I'd get angry from being distracted from my anger as well as pisst off for being pisst off. That all consuming grief/anger took over my brain. I did & said many things I wound up regretting. In my former life I would've been able to easily to cope with a multitude of issues simultaneously. Sometimes, its just better to let out the anger at every opportunity to clear the mind. Understanding why it happens can be learned at a later time. I found w/my sons it was particularly important to get them engaged in an activity that provided release since male conditioning of suppressing feeling seems to be a requirement for manlihood. Grief has a way of numbing us to the point of not being aware of sucking in toxic emotions - gotta purge them ...

I hope your instructor explained what she was looking for in your assignment. Without knowing more about it, all I can think of is she might have wanted opinions based on a professional point of view. Grief does tend to make us write & speak in personal terms of the heart. 

Comment by Hope on March 28, 2017 at 8:53am

Terry, I am glad you stood up for yourself and asking opinions don't seem fair to be graded. Are you going to continue with the course?

Comment by Terry on March 28, 2017 at 5:28am

Oh my gosh!  I so understand the anger that people are feeling.  I am at almost 25 months and I find the anger getting worse.  I am not angry at God or the medical team.  I just seem to be angry at life.  As I have written before, I am taking a certificate course in palliative care.  I just recently got my marks for an assignment that I had written.  It was asking us to reflect on what we had learned from the course and how we could better deal with tragedy in the future.  I answered each part of it to the best of my ability.  She scored me so low on it.  I have been maintaining a 96% average and she dropped me to a 50% based on her opinion.  In the past I would have just accepted the mark and although it would have bothered me I would not have had the courage to speak up.  I was so angry this time I sent her an email basically tearing her a new one.  I know it will not make any difference on my mark at least for the better but I felt strangely lighter standing up for myself.  The whole assignment was asking for our opinion.  What right did she have to say if mine was right or wrong.  I was talking about my own life experiences with my wife.  Oh well, they say what does not kill us makes us stronger so I must be getting closer to being like Hercules...lol

Comment by going.on.slowly on March 27, 2017 at 8:29pm
One of the things I find especially hard about trips away is the underlying emptiness and knowledge that there is no one at home thinking about me and missing me. I'm just floating free. It's a terrible feeling for me. Then returning home to an empty house just about does me in. I agree to go places with people and think that I will feel better doing so...then when I actually go it doesn't feel better at all because, of course, wherever I go, there I am. I leave nothing behind. Then I feel bad about spending the money on the trip!
Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on March 27, 2017 at 6:42pm

Road trips/vacations lost all appeal when they were no longer personal time spent alone w/my Bob-O ...

It takes time to grow into everything that is new & different while the old life is grieved as it makes its way slowing into the memory treasure trove ...

Comment by Nieta on March 27, 2017 at 6:19pm

The road trips were definitely special Hope.  And, the memories tied to them are certainly the silver lining to our clouds.

 

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