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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1576
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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on March 27, 2017 at 6:42pm

Road trips/vacations lost all appeal when they were no longer personal time spent alone w/my Bob-O ...

It takes time to grow into everything that is new & different while the old life is grieved as it makes its way slowing into the memory treasure trove ...

Comment by Nieta on March 27, 2017 at 6:19pm

The road trips were definitely special Hope.  And, the memories tied to them are certainly the silver lining to our clouds.

Comment by Hope on March 27, 2017 at 6:10pm

Several of you mentioned that knot in your stomach when you wake up to another day. I relate so much to that. I have had this every morning for the past 21 months. I hate it. Nights are better because I felt I got through the day. I thought I would be farther along by now at 21 months but I am not going to be hard on myself. It is what it is. I just pray that I will begin to have more peaceful and calm days. I don't need excitement..just a day that I don't feel that underlying sadness.

Comment by Hope on March 27, 2017 at 6:04pm

Nieta, my husband and I loved travelling and especially road trips. I have gone on two vacations now with my daughter and son in law and grown grandkids and a few friends. Just not the same. I find that while on some level I enjoy myself on another level I am feeling that underlying sadness because I wish Ken were there. It just is hard. I do have wonderful memories though

Comment by Nieta on March 27, 2017 at 11:33am

One of the things that saddens me are "vacations."  I've gone places on my own and with tour groups but I really miss traveling with my Patrick.  Even if I travel with friends or neighbors, it's not quite the same.  Little things like the number we'd use for the safe combination, our routines, the planning and the things we enjoyed together.  It breaks my heart every time I plan or even think of planning a trip.

I have a driver's license but I was never a real driver, as I got my license 3 decades ago and have never owned my own car.  Patrick and I would use his company car when he had that and we also rented cars, but Patrick would always drive.  There's no real need to own a car in our neighborhood, as everything is within walking distance and we could easily take the train or bus to work.

Road trips were especially fun, as we'd turn on music and sing along in the car.  He'd drive and I'd help by reading the map and directions to our destinations.  I'd essentially plan the entire trip and we'd execute it together.  I was an earlier riser than he so I'd work out in the gym wherever we stayed and then I'd bring him a cup of coffee and something to eat from the café or just coffee if we were going out for breakfast.  While I showered the gym off of me, he'd be watching the news on TV and going through brochures to plan things we'd enjoy together and we'd talk about it as I was getting dressed.  He took less time showering and getting ready so, I'd look through the same brochures while he got ready and then we were good to go for the day.  I really miss all of that and still feel the bitter sting as I type these words.

I do carry him in my heart, mind and soul wherever I go but, of course, it's not quite the same.

One day at a time...

Comment by Nance63 on March 27, 2017 at 8:08am

oh my gosh, you are writing what could be my words. (and that's kind of daunting since I am at 10 mos and was hopeful that this would ease up some).  "constant state of anticipation"... well, yes, for me that amounts to waiting for MORE bad things to happen, because they CAN, you  know, so they will. "wake up in the morning and the knot in my stomach starts"... yes, every single day. I HATE to wake up in the morning.I do not want to do the day. I don't want to face any of it.  I'm overwhelmed by the simple, but most of my life is far from simple, so the overwhelmedness is on overdrive!

I do know I'm not waiting for my husband to come back, and I also am not angry at him for leaving, nor at God, nor the doctors... perhaps sometimes at myself, though.  And at others whom  I perceive ought to have been better at x, y  or z, who have let me down or let him down in the past, but I think they might be scapegoats more than anything. I'm just plain angry. Just emoting, not directed. (ok, maybe I need to work that out: towards what am I really feeling anger? I don't know)

froggie, I do think it might be worth your while to either go to a counselor or to a group which includes others who have a year or more past, so you can see how normal it is what you are feeling. I have a book that speaks to the generalized time periods and so far, I've seen it to be very accurate. He says that some harsh emotions are brought out especially in the 12 to 18 mos period, just when you thought you were getting on a more even keel.  (that book is _Life After Loss_.  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/life-after-loss-bob-deits/1100304321        (hmm, found this while looking for the book link and it might be helpful to some: https://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201207/life-after-loss )

Comment by Froggie4635 on March 27, 2017 at 7:50am

I guess in my messed up brain that I thought at this point in the journey that things would be a little more "settled".  I am also a little nervous that because I have been spending so much time letting my MIL be a part of my process that I didn't work on my own grief enough.  The anger is a HUGE surprise to me.  My rational mind KNOWS that Mark did not LEAVE me...he died. And I never felt angry at HIM because I know it wasn't a CHOICE he made...he had a heart attack and died.  And I never felt anger towards God for "taking him".  Could it be that this late into my journey that I am just NOW facing his absence...perhaps on a different level than my brain can keep up with?  I swear this grief has given me ADHD. Perhaps I am frustrated to the point of anger because so much is different?

Comment by daringtoday on March 27, 2017 at 7:33am

Froggie, I have had that same feeling. I am just over a year out. I believe it comes from some deep belief, somewhere, that our loved one will come back. We have to rewire our brains to their absence and that anticipation is one of the hardest things to let go of or see pass, I am not sure which. I think that on some level we believe that we have suffered so much that he or she will come back. Several of my grieving friends, here and elsewhere, have mentioned that same feeling so I think it is fairly common. 

Comment by going.on.slowly on March 27, 2017 at 7:31am
Froggie! Thank you for your rantings. They make me feel normal! I have never been one to get really angry either. This past year has been filled with minor and major (and everything in between) tragedies. Just when I find my feet slightly under me again something else happens. The latest being my husband's oldest brother passing away. In one year my husband passed away suddenly, another brother of his died of stomach cancer last August and two weeks ago another brother died from complications due to a blood infection. In between is an assortment of things i.e. hot water tank going and flooding basement, garage flooding two weeks ago after massive rain, having to rip up garden area to redo drainage and trying to sell my house etc. I try to put it into perspective but am not always able to do so. I wake up in the morning and the knot in my stomach starts and my chest gets tight. Maybe I need to have a full on rage in a padded room! I would much rather be angry I think. Anger doesn't hurt so much and if you can direct it towards something (not someone hopefully) a lot can get accomplished. Rage on Froggie!
Comment by Froggie4635 on March 27, 2017 at 7:29am

Thanks Nan.  I had thought about going back to grief counseling...but since my counselor really had moved some of us into a group,  I figured that I had gone as far as I could in private sessions.  I wasn't comfortable in the group setting.  Does anyone else feel like they are in a constant state of anticipation?  That feeling like you are waiting for something...like when we were kids and we were always waiting for something to happen...a birthday or holiday?  I live in the present; I don't really make plans or do too many things beyond my everyday commitments.  I am wondering if it is because I lost my husband so sudden and unexpectedly? I am not waiting for him to come through the door anymore (or am I still in my heart), but I feel like I am anticipating something.  It will be 28 months soon...and I am in a different place in my grief  journey now than I was early on, in the fog.  Not sure if a counselor could answer this question for me...where does this feeling come from.

 

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