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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1667
Latest Activity: Jul 4

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Comment by Gunnerx2 (Carol) on March 14, 2018 at 12:25pm

Melissa, I know I'm afraid of being alone. We just moved to Tampa, so not a ton of friends here, I have no children, my sister died two months after my husband, so I feel like an orphan.  My husband was the social one.  I am trying to get outside my comfort zone and make friends but it is hard.   Carol

Comment by shelley on March 14, 2018 at 11:11am

About being afraid-  I ask my married friends about their health, their husbands' health, they know how my husband died, so they're patient with me, but I think I'm scaring them by insisting they follow up on the tiniest things.   

Comment by shelley on March 14, 2018 at 9:50am

I still think I hear my husband's car, sometimes the dogs jump up as if they also think it's his car.  Sometimes I think I see him walking down the street, sometimes I think I hear him in the kitchen, I reach for him in bed at night.

Comment by EllenJ on March 14, 2018 at 4:59am

I was waiting and waiting for my husbands car to drive in the driveway.  I had texted and called him and he didn't reply, but I figured maybe the battery was dead in his phone.  (of course that was highly unlikely, but I kept telling myself that) and then my cell phone rang and it was Chicago number.  It was the Chicago Police and I just knew they were going to say he had been in an accident. 

They asked me if I was alone, and suggested that I sit down.I felt  like I was gong to pass out.  I was alone. And that's how they told me my husband had apparently died of a heart attack, because there was no fowl play. There had to be an investigation and someone would call me back.  I stood alone in my living room, trying to figure out what to do next.  It took me about ten minutes to start making calls that would break my children's hearts and change our lives forever. 

It breaks my heart that this is how it ended for him.  Alone in a random hotel room, in a different city, with no one to call and no one to help him. I wonder how scared he was, and I hope it was fast and I hope he didn't suffer.

Just the other day I was resting on the couch and I could have sworn I heard my husbands car driving in the driveway.  I have that feeling from time to time, maybe because he was a business traveler and part of my lifestyle was the anticipation of him coming home.

Comment by Mike on March 14, 2018 at 4:08am

I never would have thought it could be so hard until I went through it myself. My entire life has changed and none of it for the better. I am living a quiet lonely existence. My wife was also my best friend. We did everything together. My family lives far away and I don’t really have any friends here. Her family is here and they are nice enough but they have their own lives with very little time for me. No one comes around to visit. There is nothing I want to do. No one really reaches out.  People call or text to check in but if I start to say how I really feel I’m cut short. They don’t want to hear how I  feel.  They want to hear that every thing is better. I am left alone to pick up the pieces and head into an uncertain future. At 61 I don’t even know how to meet people or make friends. I live in a quiet community with very little going on. 

I put on a mask at work and get through the day but with very little interest or energy. Then I come home to an empty house where I don’t feel like eating and then go to bed and try to sleep and start all over again the next day. 

Plus there are the memories of my wife going through this horrific ordeal. No one should have to suffer like she did or like any of the other family members of this group. If there is a god he either can’t do anything or he won’t. We are truly alone in a random universe. 

Comment by Frank on March 13, 2018 at 10:00pm

Hi,

Anger is one of the stages that most go through.  Sometimes it is more than anger, it is outright rage!. Sometimes its directed at ourselves.. If only we had done this, or noticed that, our spouse would still be with us. Sometimes its directed at others, the doctors, the nurses, the medical system, the drunk on the wrong side of the road, the deer that bolted across the road.  Anger can be a part of the wheel of grief.  

It has been 6 years now and each night as my head hits the pillow, I thank the Good Lord for everything He has done for us (myself and my children) that day.  I also ask that He give me the strength and courage to face the days ahead.  I believe I'm the "Odd Duck" in that I've barely touched anger in my journey.  I've mentioned in other writings about Susan and her decades of battling diabetes and is complications.  When that helicopter took off with Susan I watched it fly over the house and fade off into the distance.  I looked up into the sky and said "Lord, Don't Ya think its time for someone else?"  I meant, "How about You leave her alone and pick on someone else?"  Two weeks later she died in her sleep. She had a silent heart attack and the doctors all tell me it was fast and painless.   I could have raged at the Good Lord, but somehow, living at 10,000' feet elevation, going outside and hollering at Him and sticking my middle finger up at the sky, did not seem a very smart thing to do.  

Later, as I was going through papers I found a piece of paper in Susan's writing.  We'd decided to use the clinic in Fairplay for things like colds and cuts, etc.  She had to fill out a form listing her illnesses and surgeries, and hospitalizations.  I looked down that list and the dates and noticed that the time in between incidents was getting shorter and shorter.   I realized that she had been going through hell on earth and that the Good Lord called her home.   I was able to come to grips with the "reasons" for Susan's passing.   

It is a terrible thing that we go through.  Anger/Rage, while normal, should not "eat us up."  Remember to say Thank You to your spouse, and (depending upon your background) the Good Lord, for the wonderful times that you had with your spouse, even if it was sitting and watching some musical, mushy, movie!  

HUGS to us all.

Frank

 

Comment by LadyAva on March 13, 2018 at 9:26pm

Hey Shelly,

what you feel is normal with grieving. I feel the same sometimes. They are days I not sure what to pray about.

I starting praying a short prayer of thanks, then I tell my husband that I'm grateful for his Angel protecti me. Sometimes I get so tired of missing my Moses, I whisper "Please Come My Dear Angel And Comfort Me" shortly after I seem to calm down. 

If you haven't already check out Griefshare.org. They have support groups that really helped move through different stages of grieving. Many hugs and support.

Ladyava

Comment by shelley on March 13, 2018 at 9:04pm

I'm confused now.  I used to pray/talk to God all the time/many times every day.  Now I talk to my husband.  I used to thank God and be grateful for so many things.  But I am not feeling very grateful these days and I have not had those conversations with God since my husband died.  I'm confused.  

Comment by shelley on March 13, 2018 at 8:58pm

Yes to all of it.  

Comment by going.on.slowly on March 13, 2018 at 8:48pm

I think being thrust into a new world is very scary..it only makes sense that we have a lot of anxiety.  Think abut all the things that changed in a blink of an eye: our partner gone, our best friend gone, our confidant gone, financial changes, social changes, rethinking an entire future, being the only parent left etc etc.  It's a lot.  

 

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