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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1705
Latest Activity: 22 hours ago

Discussion Forum

184 days and counting

Started by jlsrdh. Last reply by going.on.slowly 22 hours ago. 1 Reply

Today is 184 days(6 months) since my husband of 38 years, Tom, died from a heart attack. It was always just the 2 of us, no kids. We thought the same thoughts so much of the time it was freaky. He…Continue

He deserved so much more love

Started by KJPE. Last reply by BlueRoses yesterday. 6 Replies

At least once a day, I feel intensely frustrated & sad because my husband was exceptionally wonderful to me, and I keep wanting to give him more love and cannot believe that I can't any more. …Continue

The 6-month mark

Started by Crabby. Last reply by KJPE Feb 14. 9 Replies

I hit the 6-month mark this past Tuesday. As expected, it was very sad and emotional for me. I took off from work Tuesday and Wednesday because I just could not face the world. My daughter did take…Continue

When Friends Step Back

Started by GrievingandLost37. Last reply by KJPE Jan 29. 4 Replies

Since my husband died suddenly, my family and our friends were there for me during the first couple of months.  My family was so supportive and continues to be supportive for me.  Then, some friends…Continue

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Comment by MPMom (Colleen) on March 14, 2018 at 7:37pm

Nance - I, too, lost my husband in June 2016 (6/23/16).  I remember always waking up and being conscious of the time he died - every Thursday at 6am (we had been in Italy when he died, and it was 3pm at the time of the accident, so 6am local CA time).  I don't know why my brain did that.  I also don't recall when it stopped although every now and then it occurs to me again.  I, too, recall 9mo being a rough month but that would have also coincided with our what would have been 15th anniversary, and was my first without him.  We had planned to travel to New Zealand for 2 weeks.  The monthly date still hits me, but it's not as painful.  What has become more painful is knowing I will never see him again.  He was only 40 when he died, I was 41.  We had been together for nearly 20 years.  We have two daughters - now 10 & 12.  Recently it really hit me - again - that the never again is truly never again.  There will be no random sightings, no friend of a friend mentioning they ran in to him, nothing.  Thinking about this still upsets me greatly.

Someone else below mentioned anger in their grief.  I don't think I've ever been mad, at least not at him.  I have come to realize I have nothing nor anyone to be mad at.  There was no disease, there was no drunk driver, there was no one else at fault.  It was just him, just an accident in the mountains.  It still doesn't feel right to be angry at him.  It wasn't his fault.  I'm angry at the situation he put me in, this solo-parenting BS and having to start back at square 1 with someone new if/when I'm ready, but I don't feel I can be angry at him specifically.  

Almost 21 months and I still get sideswiped by the brief thought, "Oh, I can't wait to tell Chris about this!" or "wait till he sees this!" quickly followed by the kick in the gut we call reality.  I don't know when that will end.  I'm guessing never -- especially things that involve the girls.  My heart  breaks for all the things he will and has missed out on with them.

Comment by IBelieveInYou on March 14, 2018 at 7:11pm

Nance63, thank you for posting this. It captures a lot of good insights and will be helpful to me and others. 

Comment by Nance63 on March 14, 2018 at 7:04pm

 ...continuing: 

But I do have a strong faith that gives me great support, so that I don't have some of the questions I see that others have. I agree very much with trying to find ways to count blessings and feel gratitude. It can change how you feel, even if it does not take away the pain or loneliness.
I have five children. My husband died in June 2016, my oldest daughter had her twins in August of that year (her fourth and fifth children), my oldest son became engaged the following week, and also bought a home and moved out in October of 2016. My youngest, a daughter, is special needs and was having terrible trouble in a bad school placement and was having bad side effects to her medication. My other son struggled with his college year, losing a semester. My middle daughter became engaged. My oldest son married in November and they are now expecting their first baby in September, and my middle daughter's wedding is one month from today. There's a survey for adding up points to see what the stress level is, and my score was sky high with all the stress events that have come up in the past 2 years. But I'm still here, putting one foot in front of the other each day, as best as I am able.
I've been reading all your words and wish peace and comfort to all here! Thanks for reading my rambling post!

Comment by Nance63 on March 14, 2018 at 7:03pm

Hello, all... I've been reading the posts as they come into my email and I think of my responses to each but don't get to come on the site and respond as I want to do, so please bear with me as I just post some of the things that I recall wanting to affirm here...

 

My husband had a cardiac arrest at home and was hospitalized for exactly one week, but unresponsive, and died Jun 2, 2016 (my birthday) so already 21 mos ago. Hardly seems possible that it can have been that long ago.  While every one of us is different, with different circumstances, relationships, lifestyles, etc, some things seem to be almost universal.  I also went through the time of carrying the memories in my body. My body clock knowing the day every week or the date each month. I don't know exactly when that stopped but it has. I am still aware of the monthly date sometimes, but not each month. I no longer relive the events of that night and that week and the actual death, and so forth, but the memories do flood back every so often and catch me off guard.  It's not nearly as painful as it was at first. I do remember very clearly that 9 mos was particularly hard. I had thought it was getting better when I suddenly sunk into a real depression around the 9 mos mark and was physically sick, also. Afterwards I read that it is often at that stage that this happens.  

I noticed early on that I was very afraid suddenly. Now, my husband was not the protector type. He wasn't my soul mate, best friend and all that.  He WAS my husband, though.  I  think the tremendous shock it was to lose him so suddenly and so young (he was 58, I was 53 that day) put me in the frame of mind that any terrible thing could very well happen at any moment.  My oldest daughter (of five children) was due with twins when my husband died. I was certain that one of those babies was going to die.  I was fearful of going out on my  own, and I've never felt that way before. It was just a tremendous awareness of vulnerability, I think. Also, I think the fight/flight response is on overdrive. I am still fearful, still anxious, but not nearly as I was in the first year. And now I am trying to combat those feelings in practical ways. 

Anger is also an emotion that springs up easily.  I think negative emotions are at the ready. I might feel suddenly very down and it morphs into anger, just diffused anger, not necessarily AT anything. I don't agree that these things go in linear stages. I think it all comes ebbing and flowing and cycling. 

I also feel a lot of guilt, although I often know intellectually that it isn't warranted. I feel it anyway. 

Many stressful things have happened since my husband's death and they pile on and pile on to make things very difficult.  What may have been hard to handle anyway, is even harder now, with him gone. My life is not as I expected it to be at this point.  The stability, even if there was dissatisfaction, is gone. And so is that extra person to pick up the slack, run an errand, take over some of the responsibility, do some of the routine tasks.  Gosh, it can be overwhelming! 

I have been changed dramatically.  I am not the person I was the day before my husband's cardiac arrest. I was not a happy wife, but I am not a happy widow, either.  

(my post is two long. I will put it into two boxes. to be cont'd...)

Comment by shelley on March 14, 2018 at 5:00pm

I don't think I ever went through the 'angry' stage of grief.  But I do find myself feeling angry when I see happy couples, couples holding hands, kissing, smiling lovingly at each other, etc.  I was so extremely happy for so long.  My husband brought such joy to my life.  I'm worried that I will be a bitter, angry old woman.  

Comment by Gunnerx2 (Carol) on March 14, 2018 at 12:52pm

I'm sure there are Mike  LOL

Comment by Gunnerx2 (Carol) on March 14, 2018 at 12:52pm

Frank when you talk about anger I think that is where I am.  I get so angry at strangers, people holding hands, people driving (I sound like a truck driver), slow cashiers, etc.  I especially get angry when I see couples who look happy.  How dare they!  I'm going to check out LadyAva's suggestion also but I hope Camp Widow helps me with some of these issues.   I also do not want the grief to define me, I want to learn how to deal with it in a healthy way and allow it to happen.  I don't want to hang onto it if you know what I mean.     Carol

Comment by Mike on March 14, 2018 at 12:41pm

Gunnerx2, I’m sure there are apps for that too :-)

Comment by Gunnerx2 (Carol) on March 14, 2018 at 12:38pm

Mike, thanks.  I have heard about Meetup but thought it was for people looking for quickies LOL  Carol

Comment by Gunnerx2 (Carol) on March 14, 2018 at 12:37pm

Shelly, I tell all my married friends to make sure they have more than enough life insurance.  I we didn't I am not sure where I would be today.  They of course think I'm crazy but ....   Carol

 

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