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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1729
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Discussion Forum

Since He Died...

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Pualili221 Jun 23. 9 Replies

People are always telling me how strong I am.  I don't feel strong.  It's rare that a day goes by when I don't cry.  You could probably count on one hand how many days I haven't cried since July 29,…Continue

He deserved so much more love

Started by KJPE. Last reply by Mrs Bear May 22. 11 Replies

At least once a day, I feel intensely frustrated & sad because my husband was exceptionally wonderful to me, and I keep wanting to give him more love and cannot believe that I can't any more. …Continue

Walking the line tonight

Started by BlueRoses. Last reply by lulu74 May 15. 3 Replies

The line between what is and what was. It is more of a tightrope, that often at this hour starts to fray. My sailor, soared last August. He was a young, bright, tenacious man, who left this planet at…Continue

Old Mementos

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Roxi May 1. 3 Replies

Tonight I was going through boxes in the basement, trying to declutter some because I have to move.  Don died 9 months ago yesterday.  i went out to get pizza, and when I came home, I found him. He…Continue

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Comment by Peaceful3616 (Jessica) on March 16, 2018 at 10:23am
I have a resource that may be helpful. If you go to http://vmsave.petekeen.net/, you can type in your phone number and it will make a recording of the outgoing answering machine/voicemail message. It then emails the file to you, so you can listen to it at any time.
Comment by chef (John) on March 16, 2018 at 10:19am

I kept my wife's message on the answering machine until I cancelled the land line. I used to call the house in order to hear her voice. I see nothing "wrong"  with what you do. 

Comment by roark on March 16, 2018 at 7:10am

Dear Rkay, I can relate to what  you shared being empty nesters and having the voice in the answering machine. I played my husband you tube and his video all the time. I feel his still right with me. Everytime I walked in the door I always say "Hi honey, I am home" He is always sitting in the couch and I always feel he is still there to greet me. My husband died while he was taking a walk in Oregon (we have a home there) I was in CA so we have no goodbye. I don't know which is better leaving me like that or leaving like your husband did. It still hurts and I miss him so much.  Your share bring all the emotion big time. Hugs to you and to all out there. We all shall heal.

Comment by Rkay on March 16, 2018 at 4:23am

Hello my Friends..

My husband passed suddenly on Feb 9, 2016.  He had a heart attack and died at my feet while I was trying to help him.  His last words to me were I'm sorry I woke you up honey go back to sleep as he reached over and turned off the light.  I held him tight in the dark not for one second thinking he would be gone from me in seconds.  I wake up sometimes at night hearing his words echoing in the room..I know that he would not want me to grief my life away..but I still feel like he could walk through the door at anytime and we would carry on like always.  The kicker is that I am a Mom to 6 grown up kids..my youngest was a Sr in high school at the time and plans were always when the kid graduates we will do this or do that..Now I am an empty nester too.  The silence is not very pleasant.  I joke about not being able to remember my 30's because of the chaos of kids..but all alone is not something I thought I would ever be.  My hub and I had 10 wonderful years together..and I cherish every moment of that time. Its been a little over 2 years since I heard his voice..although I have left him on the answering machine..the phone went off the other day and I just about jumped out of my skin..at first it was shocking and then I wanted to play it over and over.  I probably should change it but I want to hear him.  

Comment by Melissa on March 15, 2018 at 8:19pm

Thank you for this Shelley. I do the three things to be grateful for every night, and tonight was the first night in a very long while that I just couldn't do it. I couldn't think of even one thing. Your reminding me to be grateful for the time I had with my husband is just what I needed. I'm grateful for all of you. Thank you.

Comment by shelley on March 15, 2018 at 7:32pm

I read somewhere on this web site that keeping a gratitude journal can be helpful, that listing three things to be grateful for each day can ease the pain.  And I think I read from someone that when she couldn't think of three things to be grateful for, she remembered to be grateful for the time she had with her husband.  That to me, was a profound statement.  I thought about that all day today and realized this evening that I did not cry today.  Thought instead all day about my delightful relationship with my delightful husband and how blessed I am to have had that.  So grateful for the web site.  

Comment by roark on March 14, 2018 at 9:02pm

Hi my name is Rose and I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpected last June 6, 2015. He was in Oregon at that time while I was in CA going thru medical tests. My life was not the same afterwards. I was shocked and was numbed for quite a while. It was the most awful painful experience. I just retired when he died and at my age I don't know how I can be with someone again. Getting to know someone is not easy and being at this age (62) I am 65 this year how do I start over. My husband was my life partner and we can count on each other. We were not soul mate or anything like that, we were married for twelve years but he was my life and my life partner. I just finished probate a week ago and applying to refinance right now. I was fortunate I had a good job and receiving a comfortable pension. I missed him and talked to him a lot until now and I am crying less now. I feel I am much better and much stronger. Being busy is the key to where I am today. I had all of the grief therapy and support group. I also tried the meet up. For me keeping busy is the best therapy. My husband will always be a part of me then, now and forever.

Comment by MPMom (Colleen) on March 14, 2018 at 7:37pm

Nance - I, too, lost my husband in June 2016 (6/23/16).  I remember always waking up and being conscious of the time he died - every Thursday at 6am (we had been in Italy when he died, and it was 3pm at the time of the accident, so 6am local CA time).  I don't know why my brain did that.  I also don't recall when it stopped although every now and then it occurs to me again.  I, too, recall 9mo being a rough month but that would have also coincided with our what would have been 15th anniversary, and was my first without him.  We had planned to travel to New Zealand for 2 weeks.  The monthly date still hits me, but it's not as painful.  What has become more painful is knowing I will never see him again.  He was only 40 when he died, I was 41.  We had been together for nearly 20 years.  We have two daughters - now 10 & 12.  Recently it really hit me - again - that the never again is truly never again.  There will be no random sightings, no friend of a friend mentioning they ran in to him, nothing.  Thinking about this still upsets me greatly.

Someone else below mentioned anger in their grief.  I don't think I've ever been mad, at least not at him.  I have come to realize I have nothing nor anyone to be mad at.  There was no disease, there was no drunk driver, there was no one else at fault.  It was just him, just an accident in the mountains.  It still doesn't feel right to be angry at him.  It wasn't his fault.  I'm angry at the situation he put me in, this solo-parenting BS and having to start back at square 1 with someone new if/when I'm ready, but I don't feel I can be angry at him specifically.  

Almost 21 months and I still get sideswiped by the brief thought, "Oh, I can't wait to tell Chris about this!" or "wait till he sees this!" quickly followed by the kick in the gut we call reality.  I don't know when that will end.  I'm guessing never -- especially things that involve the girls.  My heart  breaks for all the things he will and has missed out on with them.

Comment by IBelieveInYou on March 14, 2018 at 7:11pm

Nance63, thank you for posting this. It captures a lot of good insights and will be helpful to me and others. 

Comment by Nance63 on March 14, 2018 at 7:04pm

 ...continuing: 

But I do have a strong faith that gives me great support, so that I don't have some of the questions I see that others have. I agree very much with trying to find ways to count blessings and feel gratitude. It can change how you feel, even if it does not take away the pain or loneliness.
I have five children. My husband died in June 2016, my oldest daughter had her twins in August of that year (her fourth and fifth children), my oldest son became engaged the following week, and also bought a home and moved out in October of 2016. My youngest, a daughter, is special needs and was having terrible trouble in a bad school placement and was having bad side effects to her medication. My other son struggled with his college year, losing a semester. My middle daughter became engaged. My oldest son married in November and they are now expecting their first baby in September, and my middle daughter's wedding is one month from today. There's a survey for adding up points to see what the stress level is, and my score was sky high with all the stress events that have come up in the past 2 years. But I'm still here, putting one foot in front of the other each day, as best as I am able.
I've been reading all your words and wish peace and comfort to all here! Thanks for reading my rambling post!

 

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