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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on April 18, 2018 at 11:20am

(((Hugs Nayajiva)))
Are you sure you are having suicidal thoughts?
I had thoughts of wanting to die from overwhelming grief & stress b/c I didn't know to cope w/the death of my husband. I contemplated dying everyday for months, but not suicide. I thought I wanted death to come to me, but not in taking action to cause it ...
These types of thoughts are common during grief to a great many widow/ers - I'm not aware of anyone attempting or completing in the 10 years I've been widowed. It might seem like it will relieve the pain, but the fact is learning new coping skills is more effective in continuing to live as well as not cause harm to yourself or loved ones & dependents ...
The reason I question the use of the word "suicidal" is people can easily misterpret your meaning including yourself. Say it to a mental health professional & you might have yourself swept away by doctors prescribing drugs as well as in-patient care ...
The hardest work you will ever do is inside yourself on yourself - to get stability - to calm the overbearing cycle of thoughts by seeking out ways to find some peace to be able to function ...
There are many choices & paths to doing it as well as winging it day by day. For mysef, I choose a life long spiritual journey to keep me focused on a goal of healing & continued inner peace. My former religious training was at such a young age I didn't understand or remember most of it, however, the exposure rooted in me a place for guidance. Because you are early out, this is not a decision in need of immediate consideration or action. The first step at this time is taking care of yourself - soothing your emotions, eating, drinking plenty of water to prevent dehydration & convalescing (as much as possible) in order to function to get the other most important things taken care of like your kids if you have any or feeding pets/livestock. One of mine was in finding fast food delivery for the kids ...
Although life is slowing down to almost a standstill there is always a saving grace to look forward to & that is the change in grief as you're able to do alittle bit more here & there. Not quickly though, however, the rawness will wear off & might be the first you'll noticed ...

When you are ready, you'll find what works for you ...
Blessings ...

Comment by Melissa on April 18, 2018 at 11:03am

nayajivan, sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that if I died, especially by my own hand, my children would feel the same grief we are feeling now.

I can't do that to them.

Please try to take care of yourself and find someone to talk to. It really does help. You don't have to do this alone. I couldn't eat for quite a while after my husband died. My doctor gave me Ensure, because I could swallow that. It will help you feel stronger. So will Gatorade, because our electrolytes are off from lack of food. Once you're able to get nourishment, you'll be more able to function.

Please remember we're all here for you. I have a therapist who has helped me a lot. Please don't give up, because you are loved by your family and friends. They want you around. I wish you peace and comfort.

Comment by widwom on April 18, 2018 at 10:41am

I am not sure if I should be posting here.  It has been 5 years since my husband took his own life.  My children are grown, married and have moved on.  Please do not stay at home.  I did, and after a period it is the only place that you are comfortable, public places start to feel strange and you avoid at all costs.

If you can find a group in your area, please join.  Habits good are bad set in.  

I wish for you all     Healing and  Peace

Comment by Rkay on April 18, 2018 at 10:01am

Tess..I don't know who I am least not yet.  My kids grew up. I've been a mom since I was 19.  This kind of quiet..we haven't made friends yet.  Cooking for one when I've always cooked for family,  Its awful!  By the time whatever I made is done cooking ~ I don't want to eat it.  I put it in the fridge and give it to the first person that comes by or freeze it if I remember.  I have a few close friends but I feel like I am not very good company most times.  Most people just don't know what to do or to say..and it gets awkward and before too long strained.  I find myself feeding the horses, putting the chickens away for the night and going to my room by 6:30p.  I fear I will loose my "people skills" if I'm not careful.  But for now I am content with myself if it has to be that way.  But I know it won't be that way forever.  I just hate the thought of "starting over" 

Comment by Tess on April 18, 2018 at 8:58am

Rkay, I know exactly what you mean about hitting everything head on. I am a planner. As such, I like things to be completed and done. I too thought I could wrap this grief thing up and move on. But like you, "dealing once" just didn't work. It is ongoing.

I too try to honor my husband by being the best that I can be, thought I'm not sure who that is. My husband was my encouragement as well and I find that I flounder without him here lifting my self-esteem. Peace heart to you as well.

Comment by Tjtango on April 18, 2018 at 8:11am

I’ve been blessed in while I have many regrets, I have not been burdened with guilt.  I told myself from the very beginning that I was not going to take that on. My husband Ray died as a result of complications from an outpatient neck surgery that  I did not want him to have.  We argued about this so much that he actually allowed the insurance authorization to lapse the first time. But then as he told me it was his body and I didn’t know the daily pain he was in.  So I drove him to surgery in the morning, brought him home in the late afternoon  and by 1130 at night he was in an ambulance in cardiac arrest after being unable to breathe.  I made the decision to take him off life support a week later.  

Like others have mentioned, I know my heart, I know that I loved him and that I did the best I could.  And I can live with that.  I have to live with that.  .  The regrets that I have are the times in the last few years that we spent fighting about petty things, like couples in long relationships typically do.  Not our best years that’s for sure., but it always seemed there was plenty of time to get back on track.    A wise family friend said some words to me soon after he died, she told me that I have to look at my marriage like a poker hand and throw those bad years out.  I was blessed to have my best friend by my side for 30 years, so i thank God for dealing me a winning hand overall.    

Thank you all for listening.  this widow journey has been eye opening on so many levels..   It helps me to know that I’m not alone even if we all are reluctant travers on this awful road.  

Comment by Rkay on April 18, 2018 at 6:08am

Thank you everyone for speaking up.  I don't talk about my grief much to those around me.  I "thought" I was doing really good. I made my mind up right at the beginning to hit everything head on.  I mean, I only wanted to deal with everything ONCE and get it over with.  How funny that is..there is no "dealing once".  Its ongoing. Some days are better than others but it ends up just being a different day.  The missing piece is still the missing piece and now what?  I get through this day and do it again tomorrow.  I try and Honor my Love for my husband by being the best me I can.  He believed in me even when I didn't and I try and sit still and hear him saying words of Love and encouragement when I need it most. Its not the same but its all I got.  And I will take it.  Sweet Peace of Heart to you all.  And thank you..

Comment by Tess on April 18, 2018 at 3:55am

Nayajivan, please find someone that you can speak to about your feelings. We are here to help, but when it becomes difficult to navigate through your emotions, it is important to seek someone licensed to help you sort through all of these feelings. I know you have two sons. As difficult as it is to think about right now, they do need you. They lost their mother and you are a source of strength for them. Please remember that. The days will get better, please give it time. I wish you comfort.

Comment by nayajivan on April 18, 2018 at 1:50am

Thank you very much friends for the kind and absolute support and care showered on me in these difficult times..

Though, it is very easy to say to accept this cruel, harsh, evil, unfair and untimely loss, I feel like that I will not be able to live without her..

All negative and suicidal thoughts keep coming, popping up and creeping in my mind all the times these days..

I just cant get her thoughts and her out of my mind, heart, eyes, brain and each cell of my body...

I am feeling emotionally and mentally so low and weak that I have no energy even to do any work or even to eat food also..

I am really unable to help myself and to think to live alone without her anymore...

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on April 17, 2018 at 3:15pm

Yes, try using those words again & again & again ...
My saying was "I did the best I could" - I said it for every guilt feeling till I felt deeply in my gut as well as intellectually accepted it was the undeniable truth. I tried playing God in thinking I could have prevented Bob from being killed by a road rage driver. He & I were always aware there were/are dangerous & careless drivers on the road, but life unfolds as it does for everyone. I was powerless & still am in preventing death. I struggled w/anger at God for not protecting him against death - it took a quite a long for me to realize God protects us whether dead or alive ...
Any long forgotten issues in our marriage surfaced as well - I used the same words as well since begging forgiveness from a dead husband was useless for years of complaining about the same ole crappola like not picking up his tools or tracking in a trail of grease from the garage into the house. I followed it w/the Serenity Prayer then most times just fell asleep soundly - relieved of stress & guilt till the next issue came up. Guilt from just about anything was only one of the most helpless feelings I've ever experienced. In just saying your words whenever guilt arises is doing something positive in working with your grief - its just one of many ways to empower yourself. We do what we do to resolve what we can using whatever coping skills we have as well as try to learn ...
Relief as well as resolution will come from working out your grief issues. Learning to live with/carry grief is far more helpful. No doubt its a struggle to find how to cope with it, but resisting it or pushing it aside is unproductive & surely causes craziness as well as more anger or depression ...
FYI, insurance companies provide a therapist, counselor, clinician, psychiatrist, etc w/a set time schedule to work w/a client. This can make a person feel rushed & angered by a mental health provider w/out knowing why ...
Hope this helps ...
Blessings ...


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