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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Comment by IBelieveInYou on April 21, 2018 at 5:14am

Rainy, the words you wrote, "I don't see how any of us would live through this if our brains allowed the full brute force of grief to hit us all at once." These are so true. I think, as you do, that our brains are protecting us. In the early months I describe it as a protective fog. Today, 2.5 years later my brain still does it from time to time when I get too close to "seeing" something that I'm not ready for. Thank you for writing.

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on April 20, 2018 at 7:00pm

Shelly, I'm struggling too with bouncing between realities.  I don't know how it will work out but I have faith that at some point our mind will come to accept what's happened.  I honestly believe we think that way as an auto-protector/buffer, I don't see how any of us would live through this if our brains allowed the full brut force of grief to hit us all at once.  

Comment by shelley on April 20, 2018 at 6:47pm

I don't understand how I can be gaining acceptance/coming to terms with my husband's death and at the same time hope that this is all a horrible dream.  Not only is there no clear path, there is no clarity at all.  Carol, I loved cooking for my husband and now can't cook at all.  And 'cocooning' is a word I've often used.  Rkay, I also enjoy the treadmill and cry half way through my hour every time.  

Comment by EarthSpirit (Carol) on April 19, 2018 at 5:11pm

Rkay, your comments are especially  meaningful to me! I too don’t speak of my grief a lot, but my friends who know me well ‘get’ how I feel; they knew my husband too and share much of my pain. It’s only been 6 months for me, so I think I’m still in the ‘stunned’ phase. I also listen for his voice and presence encouraging me. But the tears come often. My days are busy and yet so empty and lonely at the end of them. The cooking! We were both ‘foodies’ and loved cooking. I still do, but enjoy it so much less without him to share it; the silence over the meal and wine is deafening. I lost 10 pounds during our journey ( a LOT on a small person), so I’m grateful to be caring about food again; he would be happy about that! It’s totally OK to be in your room by 6:30, we all do what we need to do to nurture ourselves and heal. My husband passed away on October 5th 2017, and I spent the next several months ‘cocooning.’ FL had a cold winter this year, it was perfect for what I needed and wanted then. I’m now back to doing some volunteer work once a week for a non-profit and meeting with friends frequently. 

Please be kind to yourself, doing what you need on any given day; there have been days I’ve not been out of my PJ’s until 10 AM. Whatever it is, take care of You.  Peace, healing and love on our shared journey...

Comment by Rkay on April 19, 2018 at 5:13am

I do protein fruit and smoothie shakes. I promise not to starve to death. =)  I drink my weight in coffee but gave up soft drinks and most sugar.  I drink my recommended daily dose of water..half my body weight in ounces daily.  I go to the gym and take out my frustrations on the tread mill.  I am getting out, I am talking, but everything is still off balance.  I don't want to become a "burden" to folks, my kids included, that think they need to take care of me nor do I want to put out needy vibes or desperation ANYWHERE.  But the truth is..I am needy, I am a bit desperate and I am a bit depressed.  What I'm not is I am not giving up.  I will never ever be the same person.  None of us here ever will..we lived, loved, laughed, with someone who has ceased to exist.  It's like a car wreck..the sudden stop stopped the car but you kept on moving on impact.  My love is still there, the laughter, and the living, its all still there..I just have to find the balance and keep moving. Slowly I am moving but I will take it.  In August I will become a first time grandma. There is still so much life to look forward to. 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on April 18, 2018 at 11:20am

(((Hugs Nayajiva)))
Are you sure you are having suicidal thoughts?
I had thoughts of wanting to die from overwhelming grief & stress b/c I didn't know to cope w/the death of my husband. I contemplated dying everyday for months, but not suicide. I thought I wanted death to come to me, but not in taking action to cause it ...
These types of thoughts are common during grief to a great many widow/ers - I'm not aware of anyone attempting or completing in the 10 years I've been widowed. It might seem like it will relieve the pain, but the fact is learning new coping skills is more effective in continuing to live as well as not cause harm to yourself or loved ones & dependents ...
The reason I question the use of the word "suicidal" is people can easily misterpret your meaning including yourself. Say it to a mental health professional & you might have yourself swept away by doctors prescribing drugs as well as in-patient care ...
The hardest work you will ever do is inside yourself on yourself - to get stability - to calm the overbearing cycle of thoughts by seeking out ways to find some peace to be able to function ...
There are many choices & paths to doing it as well as winging it day by day. For mysef, I choose a life long spiritual journey to keep me focused on a goal of healing & continued inner peace. My former religious training was at such a young age I didn't understand or remember most of it, however, the exposure rooted in me a place for guidance. Because you are early out, this is not a decision in need of immediate consideration or action. The first step at this time is taking care of yourself - soothing your emotions, eating, drinking plenty of water to prevent dehydration & convalescing (as much as possible) in order to function to get the other most important things taken care of like your kids if you have any or feeding pets/livestock. One of mine was in finding fast food delivery for the kids ...
Although life is slowing down to almost a standstill there is always a saving grace to look forward to & that is the change in grief as you're able to do alittle bit more here & there. Not quickly though, however, the rawness will wear off & might be the first you'll noticed ...

When you are ready, you'll find what works for you ...
Blessings ...

Comment by Melissa on April 18, 2018 at 11:03am

nayajivan, sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that if I died, especially by my own hand, my children would feel the same grief we are feeling now.

I can't do that to them.

Please try to take care of yourself and find someone to talk to. It really does help. You don't have to do this alone. I couldn't eat for quite a while after my husband died. My doctor gave me Ensure, because I could swallow that. It will help you feel stronger. So will Gatorade, because our electrolytes are off from lack of food. Once you're able to get nourishment, you'll be more able to function.

Please remember we're all here for you. I have a therapist who has helped me a lot. Please don't give up, because you are loved by your family and friends. They want you around. I wish you peace and comfort.

Comment by widwom on April 18, 2018 at 10:41am

I am not sure if I should be posting here.  It has been 5 years since my husband took his own life.  My children are grown, married and have moved on.  Please do not stay at home.  I did, and after a period it is the only place that you are comfortable, public places start to feel strange and you avoid at all costs.

If you can find a group in your area, please join.  Habits good are bad set in.  

I wish for you all     Healing and  Peace

Comment by Rkay on April 18, 2018 at 10:01am

Tess..I don't know who I am either..at least not yet.  My kids grew up. I've been a mom since I was 19.  This kind of quiet..we haven't made friends yet.  Cooking for one when I've always cooked for family,  Its awful!  By the time whatever I made is done cooking ~ I don't want to eat it.  I put it in the fridge and give it to the first person that comes by or freeze it if I remember.  I have a few close friends but I feel like I am not very good company most times.  Most people just don't know what to do or to say..and it gets awkward and before too long strained.  I find myself feeding the horses, putting the chickens away for the night and going to my room by 6:30p.  I fear I will loose my "people skills" if I'm not careful.  But for now I am content with myself if it has to be that way.  But I know it won't be that way forever.  I just hate the thought of "starting over" 

Comment by Tess on April 18, 2018 at 8:58am

Rkay, I know exactly what you mean about hitting everything head on. I am a planner. As such, I like things to be completed and done. I too thought I could wrap this grief thing up and move on. But like you, "dealing once" just didn't work. It is ongoing.

I too try to honor my husband by being the best that I can be, thought I'm not sure who that is. My husband was my encouragement as well and I find that I flounder without him here lifting my self-esteem. Peace heart to you as well.

 

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