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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Members: 1646
Latest Activity: yesterday

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Comment by Tess on Wednesday

Rkay, I know exactly what you mean about hitting everything head on. I am a planner. As such, I like things to be completed and done. I too thought I could wrap this grief thing up and move on. But like you, "dealing once" just didn't work. It is ongoing.

I too try to honor my husband by being the best that I can be, thought I'm not sure who that is. My husband was my encouragement as well and I find that I flounder without him here lifting my self-esteem. Peace heart to you as well.

Comment by Tjtango on Wednesday

I’ve been blessed in while I have many regrets, I have not been burdened with guilt.  I told myself from the very beginning that I was not going to take that on. My husband Ray died as a result of complications from an outpatient neck surgery that  I did not want him to have.  We argued about this so much that he actually allowed the insurance authorization to lapse the first time. But then as he told me it was his body and I didn’t know the daily pain he was in.  So I drove him to surgery in the morning, brought him home in the late afternoon  and by 1130 at night he was in an ambulance in cardiac arrest after being unable to breathe.  I made the decision to take him off life support a week later.  

Like others have mentioned, I know my heart, I know that I loved him and that I did the best I could.  And I can live with that.  I have to live with that.  .  The regrets that I have are the times in the last few years that we spent fighting about petty things, like couples in long relationships typically do.  Not our best years that’s for sure., but it always seemed there was plenty of time to get back on track.    A wise family friend said some words to me soon after he died, she told me that I have to look at my marriage like a poker hand and throw those bad years out.  I was blessed to have my best friend by my side for 30 years, so i thank God for dealing me a winning hand overall.    

Thank you all for listening.  this widow journey has been eye opening on so many levels..   It helps me to know that I’m not alone even if we all are reluctant travers on this awful road.  

Comment by Rkay on Wednesday

Thank you everyone for speaking up.  I don't talk about my grief much to those around me.  I "thought" I was doing really good. I made my mind up right at the beginning to hit everything head on.  I mean, I only wanted to deal with everything ONCE and get it over with.  How funny that is..there is no "dealing once".  Its ongoing. Some days are better than others but it ends up just being a different day.  The missing piece is still the missing piece and now what?  I get through this day and do it again tomorrow.  I try and Honor my Love for my husband by being the best me I can.  He believed in me even when I didn't and I try and sit still and hear him saying words of Love and encouragement when I need it most. Its not the same but its all I got.  And I will take it.  Sweet Peace of Heart to you all.  And thank you..

Comment by Tess on Wednesday

Nayajivan, please find someone that you can speak to about your feelings. We are here to help, but when it becomes difficult to navigate through your emotions, it is important to seek someone licensed to help you sort through all of these feelings. I know you have two sons. As difficult as it is to think about right now, they do need you. They lost their mother and you are a source of strength for them. Please remember that. The days will get better, please give it time. I wish you comfort.

Comment by nayajivan on Wednesday

Thank you very much friends for the kind and absolute support and care showered on me in these difficult times..

Though, it is very easy to say to accept this cruel, harsh, evil, unfair and untimely loss, I feel like that I will not be able to live without her..

All negative and suicidal thoughts keep coming, popping up and creeping in my mind all the times these days..

I just cant get her thoughts and her out of my mind, heart, eyes, brain and each cell of my body...

I am feeling emotionally and mentally so low and weak that I have no energy even to do any work or even to eat food also..

I am really unable to help myself and to think to live alone without her anymore...

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on Tuesday

Shelley,
Yes, try using those words again & again & again ...
My saying was "I did the best I could" - I said it for every guilt feeling till I felt deeply in my gut as well as intellectually accepted it was the undeniable truth. I tried playing God in thinking I could have prevented Bob from being killed by a road rage driver. He & I were always aware there were/are dangerous & careless drivers on the road, but life unfolds as it does for everyone. I was powerless & still am in preventing death. I struggled w/anger at God for not protecting him against death - it took a quite a long for me to realize God protects us whether dead or alive ...
Any long forgotten issues in our marriage surfaced as well - I used the same words as well since begging forgiveness from a dead husband was useless for years of complaining about the same ole crappola like not picking up his tools or tracking in a trail of grease from the garage into the house. I followed it w/the Serenity Prayer then most times just fell asleep soundly - relieved of stress & guilt till the next issue came up. Guilt from just about anything was only one of the most helpless feelings I've ever experienced. In just saying your words whenever guilt arises is doing something positive in working with your grief - its just one of many ways to empower yourself. We do what we do to resolve what we can using whatever coping skills we have as well as try to learn ...
Relief as well as resolution will come from working out your grief issues. Learning to live with/carry grief is far more helpful. No doubt its a struggle to find how to cope with it, but resisting it or pushing it aside is unproductive & surely causes craziness as well as more anger or depression ...
FYI, insurance companies provide a therapist, counselor, clinician, psychiatrist, etc w/a set time schedule to work w/a client. This can make a person feel rushed & angered by a mental health provider w/out knowing why ...
Hope this helps ...
Blessings ...

Comment by shelley on Tuesday

The first time I went back to my hairdresser I started crying while he was washing my hair.  He was very sweet and supportive, gave me a little shoulder rub.  I was pleasantly surprised.  

Comment by Melissa on Tuesday

Senecagirl, I eat a lot of take-out and frozen pizza. I only do what is absolutely necessary, which is take care of the dogs and go to lawyer and doctor appointments. I haven't gone anyplace fun because I don't have anyone to go with. My husband even used to get manicures with me! I haven't been back to the nail salon in the five months since he died, because I can't bear to say it out loud.

You are so fortunate to have a bonus family! Having someone to hug you and cry with you is a huge blessing. I'm glad your friend is moving in ext door to you. I'm sorry she had to join this awful club, but you'll each have someone close who understands. Much love to you~

Comment by Senecagirl on Tuesday

I love reading everyone's posts. This is one of the few places i feel comfortable. I am 4 plus months into this new journey. I have had a few better times but feel i am going backwards..the tears have been coming more often again. My 30 plus year marriage was all i have known...i feel so lost and alone. I cant seem to get anything done, but the simple things to survive feeding the dogs, dishes when i feel like it, putting a pizza in. Anyone else eating a lot of pizza? Lol! I have been blessed with a great bonus family as i call them, my next door neighbors, they are so kind and loving and its a safe place for me to express my grief, they listen they hug they cry with me. They also give me happy times..picnic at the lake, family dinners, and there 2.5 yr old son is amazing, when he takes my hand to show me something i realize there is hope for me. When there 16 yr old son hugs me when i come in and everytime he thinks i need one i feel hope. My daughter lives 10 hrs away with her husband and my grandson who is 1.5. She has only been here twice since her dad died. Its been so hard to be so far from her. My bonus family helps to soothe that hurt. A close more recent friend, cousin of neighbor suddenly lost her partner boyfriend of 8 years, he died a month ago. So she who consoled me is now in this same club. She will be moving in next door and we will continue to work our ways thru this messed up situation. Thanks for allowing me to have a place to ramble on. This site is such a blessing. Love and hugs to all.

Comment by Melissa on Tuesday

Tjtango, I know that feeling exactly. 

 

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