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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1654
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Comment by Melissa on April 26, 2018 at 9:34pm

Shelley and Miss Em, that's probably the hardest thing for me. There's so much I want to tell Gilbert. What's happening in the news. The good things that happen. The bad things that happen. What a friend said. An interesting book I just read.

I know I will never get over this. I will want to tell him everything until the day I die.

Comment by Miss Em on April 26, 2018 at 2:36pm

Hi Shelly. I keep wanting to tell him so much all the time. i have started a "journal". it is really just a big long letter to him about everything that is happening and has happened. It does make me feel better. 

Comment by shelley on April 25, 2018 at 8:42pm

Miss Em, Wow.  I've read your post over and over.  It remains incredible.  

I left my grief group this evening feeling somewhat uplifted.  I cooked for my husband and loved cooking for him, loved doing things for him because I loved him so much.  Haven't been able to cook for myself since he died.  And tonight after my group, I imagined cooking myself an egg-white omelette- one of my husband's favorites.  But then I got home and thought of who I'd like to share the good news with- and of course, I'd like to share the news with my husband.  So the 'feeling somewhat uplifted' was brief. 

Comment by Miss Em on April 25, 2018 at 8:29pm

I met my husband Sean on Easter Saturday 1991. He was 16, I was 15. At the ages of 20 and 21 we were married. On Good Friday 2018 he was killed in a car accident that we (family of 5) were all in. He was the only fatality. I thought it was somehow neat and strange that our lives together were book-ended by Easter. The other day, I googled the actual date we met - March 30 1991. He died on March 30 2018. The date we met is the same date that he died. It blows me away and I wonder what to do with that. I think it makes that date a better date. It isn't only negative. We had 27 years together exactly. 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on April 21, 2018 at 6:57am

Rainy & Shelly,
Its a long process to acceptance ...
Intellectually, death seems as if it would be quite easy to grasp, however, the testament to it not being true is the body automatically goes into shock to protect from the true pain of loss. What follows is life in the slow lane & repetition from preoccupation in making us temporarily forget from simple things to the big one - dead spouse. For years, every time the phone rang or front door opened I thought it was Bob. When my youngest son's voice to sound just like his father's - it thrust me back to year 1 ...
I truly understand the pain is unbearable - all that is wanted is for it to stop & for your husbands to return. Its a time of wanting answers to rush through to the end to get relief - nothing wrong w/that. It is in no way easy to swallow the truth of this reality - this journey - your loss. In my own belief, God wired us to grieve - to grow & learn from the experience - its a painful way of continuing the lifelong journey of growing & learning. It does sound like a load of BS when the pain is gutwrenching creating anger, impatience & a demand for a cure. I've been there - it sucks. It just takes time to process it all as well as finding new coping mechanisms ...
Acceptance of your husband's death is years away, sadly, its not what heals grief. It is one of many steps that will be resolved/healed, but cannot be forced ...
Finding your identity is the major part of healing in that it changes your perceptions to allow for acceptance & adjustments. Its a time-honored path of development. Similar to the stages of growing toward maturity from an adolescent to a teenager to a young adult. Some people are very sensitive to that analogy in that it makes them feel like a child, however, the gist of it is what is important. I look at my kids knowing their childhood has been brutal w/the losses of their father, a grief therapist, a close friend & orchestra teacher w/in the first 5 years. I was on round the clock suicide watch up until 2-3 years ago - it has calmed tremendously but still not complely done with ...
In your timeframes, there's not much room for much more than learning to care for your grieving selves physically as well as mentally by releasing your painful emotions to build up readiness for a time to begin soul searching & develop a new identity ...
Blessings ...

Comment by IBelieveInYou on April 21, 2018 at 5:14am

Rainy, the words you wrote, "I don't see how any of us would live through this if our brains allowed the full brute force of grief to hit us all at once." These are so true. I think, as you do, that our brains are protecting us. In the early months I describe it as a protective fog. Today, 2.5 years later my brain still does it from time to time when I get too close to "seeing" something that I'm not ready for. Thank you for writing.

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on April 20, 2018 at 7:00pm

Shelly, I'm struggling too with bouncing between realities.  I don't know how it will work out but I have faith that at some point our mind will come to accept what's happened.  I honestly believe we think that way as an auto-protector/buffer, I don't see how any of us would live through this if our brains allowed the full brut force of grief to hit us all at once.  

Comment by shelley on April 20, 2018 at 6:47pm

I don't understand how I can be gaining acceptance/coming to terms with my husband's death and at the same time hope that this is all a horrible dream.  Not only is there no clear path, there is no clarity at all.  Carol, I loved cooking for my husband and now can't cook at all.  And 'cocooning' is a word I've often used.  Rkay, I also enjoy the treadmill and cry half way through my hour every time.  

Comment by EarthSpirit (Carol) on April 19, 2018 at 5:11pm

Rkay, your comments are especially  meaningful to me! I too don’t speak of my grief a lot, but my friends who know me well ‘get’ how I feel; they knew my husband too and share much of my pain. It’s only been 6 months for me, so I think I’m still in the ‘stunned’ phase. I also listen for his voice and presence encouraging me. But the tears come often. My days are busy and yet so empty and lonely at the end of them. The cooking! We were both ‘foodies’ and loved cooking. I still do, but enjoy it so much less without him to share it; the silence over the meal and wine is deafening. I lost 10 pounds during our journey ( a LOT on a small person), so I’m grateful to be caring about food again; he would be happy about that! It’s totally OK to be in your room by 6:30, we all do what we need to do to nurture ourselves and heal. My husband passed away on October 5th 2017, and I spent the next several months ‘cocooning.’ FL had a cold winter this year, it was perfect for what I needed and wanted then. I’m now back to doing some volunteer work once a week for a non-profit and meeting with friends frequently. 

Please be kind to yourself, doing what you need on any given day; there have been days I’ve not been out of my PJ’s until 10 AM. Whatever it is, take care of You.  Peace, healing and love on our shared journey...

Comment by Rkay on April 19, 2018 at 5:13am

I do protein fruit and smoothie shakes. I promise not to starve to death. =)  I drink my weight in coffee but gave up soft drinks and most sugar.  I drink my recommended daily dose of water..half my body weight in ounces daily.  I go to the gym and take out my frustrations on the tread mill.  I am getting out, I am talking, but everything is still off balance.  I don't want to become a "burden" to folks, my kids included, that think they need to take care of me nor do I want to put out needy vibes or desperation ANYWHERE.  But the truth is..I am needy, I am a bit desperate and I am a bit depressed.  What I'm not is I am not giving up.  I will never ever be the same person.  None of us here ever will..we lived, loved, laughed, with someone who has ceased to exist.  It's like a car wreck..the sudden stop stopped the car but you kept on moving on impact.  My love is still there, the laughter, and the living, its all still there..I just have to find the balance and keep moving. Slowly I am moving but I will take it.  In August I will become a first time grandma. There is still so much life to look forward to. 

 

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