This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."


Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Comment by laurajay on May 3, 2018 at 9:37am

dear laststraw  and carol.  so sorry for your losses.  People here  get it.  Those  of who lost  loved ones truly unexpectedly with no warning  or expectations are dumbfounded  and walk around  as if in Twilight Zone. I came to realize  death does  not come with a warning all the time.  It is shocking.  I want to tell you  for now to  try very hard  to ignore comments of well meaning people.  They  often say stupid  or hurtful things  to the person grieving. Think  of them as unable  to understand and therefore  they speak  without a clue to your reality. Let their comments pass you by. Do not let  their stupidity  hurt you.   Don't react.  Don't try to explain your pain.  They won't get it.   Come here  when you can tell your story  freely  and be understood.  Most of the members  here who post are caring and helpful.  Take care of yourself for  now.  Time  will help  heal.       lj

Comment by carol on May 3, 2018 at 4:57am

My partner, Roy, died very suddenly just 2 1/2 weeks ago. I am still shocked and stunned. I was told he had gone to the hospital because he had a stroke. No one told me he had died and instead of walking into a treatment room to see him, I walked into the morgue and saw him with a sheet over his face. I almost died right there. The physical pain was incredible. We were also overseas so I had to arrange to bring him home. 

Comment by Senecagirl on May 2, 2018 at 11:36am

So very sorry laststraw for your loss.No matter how we lose our loved ones our hurt is all the same. I am saddened that he is being judged so harshly. Truly not conducive to your healing. Its a hard journey that we are on and so sad that those who should be supportive aren't. I wish you the best in the days ahead. This place is such a relief from the rest of the world. We all understand your pain and grief. Take care of yourself and your little one. Hugs

Comment by laststraw on May 2, 2018 at 11:26am

I lost my husband last November.  He was found overdosed on heroin in a hotel room.  I have a 17 month old daughter.  It's hard because while I knew my husband had experimented with drugs in his early 20s, I can say with pretty fair certainty that he never used the drug once in the 10+ years we were together.  Not only have I been reeling from the utter shock of the situation.  I feel like the nature of his death has brought about unfair judgement when he was a loving father and husband not a junkie.  Like I don't have enough to deal with!

Comment by shelley on April 29, 2018 at 1:10pm

It will be six months for me May 10.  I have been unable to change the bed sheets since John died.  Not sure why.  Maybe because making the bed was something we enjoyed doing together.  I would tease him about how he wanted the bed made, he would tease me about how many pillows I insisted upon.  We laughed as we did it, laughed at each other, laughed at ourselves.  Miss those sweet moments.  More I think because I'm afraid that washing the sheets will remove the last of his smell, his essence.  In the days after my husband died, I slept fully clothed (including coat) on a corner of the bed, taking up as little space as possible, far away from 'his side' of the bed.  I now fall asleep (in pajamas) on 'my side' of the bed and find myself eventually on 'his side' of the bed.  I don't sleep well, waking up every hour or so.  Have very weird dreams.  Last night I dreamt that my husband's parents were still alive (they're not), it was a pleasant surprise because I could get in tough with them, talk to them about John.  Later in the dream I learned that they were in poor health and unable to communicate.  I have lost of dreams about hope and then loss.  

Comment by Melissa on April 26, 2018 at 9:34pm

Shelley and Miss Em, that's probably the hardest thing for me. There's so much I want to tell Gilbert. What's happening in the news. The good things that happen. The bad things that happen. What a friend said. An interesting book I just read.

I know I will never get over this. I will want to tell him everything until the day I die.

Comment by Miss Em (Emma) on April 26, 2018 at 2:36pm

Hi Shelly. I keep wanting to tell him so much all the time. i have started a "journal". it is really just a big long letter to him about everything that is happening and has happened. It does make me feel better. 

Comment by shelley on April 25, 2018 at 8:42pm

Miss Em, Wow.  I've read your post over and over.  It remains incredible.  

I left my grief group this evening feeling somewhat uplifted.  I cooked for my husband and loved cooking for him, loved doing things for him because I loved him so much.  Haven't been able to cook for myself since he died.  And tonight after my group, I imagined cooking myself an egg-white omelette- one of my husband's favorites.  But then I got home and thought of who I'd like to share the good news with- and of course, I'd like to share the news with my husband.  So the 'feeling somewhat uplifted' was brief. 

Comment by Miss Em (Emma) on April 25, 2018 at 8:29pm

I met my husband Sean on Easter Saturday 1991. He was 16, I was 15. At the ages of 20 and 21 we were married. On Good Friday 2018 he was killed in a car accident that we (family of 5) were all in. He was the only fatality. I thought it was somehow neat and strange that our lives together were book-ended by Easter. The other day, I googled the actual date we met - March 30 1991. He died on March 30 2018. The date we met is the same date that he died. It blows me away and I wonder what to do with that. I think it makes that date a better date. It isn't only negative. We had 27 years together exactly. 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on April 21, 2018 at 6:57am

Rainy & Shelly,
Its a long process to acceptance ...
Intellectually, death seems as if it would be quite easy to grasp, however, the testament to it not being true is the body automatically goes into shock to protect from the true pain of loss. What follows is life in the slow lane & repetition from preoccupation in making us temporarily forget from simple things to the big one - dead spouse. For years, every time the phone rang or front door opened I thought it was Bob. When my youngest son's voice to sound just like his father's - it thrust me back to year 1 ...
I truly understand the pain is unbearable - all that is wanted is for it to stop & for your husbands to return. Its a time of wanting answers to rush through to the end to get relief - nothing wrong w/that. It is in no way easy to swallow the truth of this reality - this journey - your loss. In my own belief, God wired us to grieve - to grow & learn from the experience - its a painful way of continuing the lifelong journey of growing & learning. It does sound like a load of BS when the pain is gutwrenching creating anger, impatience & a demand for a cure. I've been there - it sucks. It just takes time to process it all as well as finding new coping mechanisms ...
Acceptance of your husband's death is years away, sadly, its not what heals grief. It is one of many steps that will be resolved/healed, but cannot be forced ...
Finding your identity is the major part of healing in that it changes your perceptions to allow for acceptance & adjustments. Its a time-honored path of development. Similar to the stages of growing toward maturity from an adolescent to a teenager to a young adult. Some people are very sensitive to that analogy in that it makes them feel like a child, however, the gist of it is what is important. I look at my kids knowing their childhood has been brutal w/the losses of their father, a grief therapist, a close friend & orchestra teacher w/in the first 5 years. I was on round the clock suicide watch up until 2-3 years ago - it has calmed tremendously but still not complely done with ...
In your timeframes, there's not much room for much more than learning to care for your grieving selves physically as well as mentally by releasing your painful emotions to build up readiness for a time to begin soul searching & develop a new identity ...
Blessings ...


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