This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."


Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Comment by shelley on May 16, 2018 at 8:09pm

Mrs.Hehar, I love your 'fking'.  I'm pretty straight, proper, and my husband would use the 'fking' word and I loved it.  My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly on 11/10/17.  I can feel my heart race whenever I drive by the hospital, I try not to.  I am also familiar with the cry/scream feeling.  The 'going crazy' feeling.  Absofkinglutely, as my husband would say.  

Comment by Melissa on May 16, 2018 at 6:01pm

I'm so sorry, Mrs.Hehar. That must have been awful. It's normal to be so sad and afraid you think you're going crazy. I feel like that right now. It is fresh and new for us, and I hate it. I want my old life back. Somehow, we'll be okay. My love and prayers are with you.

Comment by Seashell on May 16, 2018 at 1:39pm

Grief is like an onion being peeled. It comes off one layer at a time. Sometimes - when it hits - we feel as though we are going to go crazy. And, perhaps, in those moments, we do. Give yourself and your husband's mother a hug and toss that ----- GPS out the window! It has no heart and it does have a way of taking us down paths we would much rather not venture into in that moment. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 26 weeks is still very fresh and new.

Comment by Mrs.Hehar on May 16, 2018 at 1:19pm

So I was feeling anxious all morning so I thought it would get better by leaving the house. I took my husbands Mom to her doctors appointment then I had to take her to the dentist and on the way google maps took me the route that goes past his work like right at the intersection where he died, the light was red and I kept watching and timing the cars going thru the intersection, counting the seconds to when the driver must have hit my husband, after running the light.  We crossed and I had a panic attack and his mom started talking then I kinda yelled like just be quiet I can’t handle this. Stop talking then she was like ok ok. I wasn’t expecting to go past that same place, it’s been 26weeks since he was killed. Then I couldn’t stop crying. I still just want to cry like scream cry but I’m in the dental office now. And in the same complex is a salon called jimmys hair. That was my husbands name. Like why, I fking left the house feeling it will make me feel better but the opposite happened. It’s been 26 fking weeks. Like I seriously feel like I’m going to go crazy. 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on May 16, 2018 at 4:31am

I'm so so sorry for your anguish ...
Grief causes a variety of symptoms such as depression, sleep deprivation, physical pain, mental anguish, loss of appetite, feeling lost, inability to stop blaming yourself, unability to function & many more. How I wished grief was peaceful ...
Try using a PM sleep & pain aid such as Tylenol PM, Advil PM, Excedrin PM, etc for pain & muscle aches. No matter what - you need sleep for rest & relief from anguish, circular thinking, agitation, exhaution.
You might want to consider your therapist's advice for depression. The entire mind, body & soul can be affected by grief - it shatters life as you knew it. Feeling lost, not recognizing one's self - the disconnect from self &/or surroundings are normal & common as well as depression. Its not about being weak or strong or resistant - grief is brutal in the first year as well as impacts others differently for a variety of reasons other than individualism. Its rough going, however, it will pass ...
Take care & be easy on yourself ...
Thoughts & prayers ...

Comment by Melissa on May 15, 2018 at 10:13pm

(((shelley))) I know. I understand. Nights were the best time, for exactly the reasons you mentioned. We talked about everything in bed at night. Even when we were each reading, we'd stop and read parts of our books aloud to each other, because we knew it would be appreciated. 

Nights are a special kind of hell, and I take anti-anxiety medication and Benadryl to try to get to knock myself out, too. 

I've been on anti-depressants for years, but I'm starting to think I need to have the dosage adjusted. The days seem to be getting easier, but the nights are getting harder. The pain is unbearable. Try the anti-depressants. They'll take some time to work, and you may have to have the dosage adjusted before it's right for you, but anything that helps at this point is worth it.

I wish you comfort and peace. 

Comment by shelley on May 15, 2018 at 9:19pm

So it kind of snuck up on me.  I can sort of get through the days; but the nights are really hard.  And I realized that I'm up to a bottle of wine/night plus various drugs.  I realized that I'm not just trying to get to sleep (although that's definitely part of it), I'm trying to knock myself out.  My husband and I had wonderful nights together.  Reading, talking, crossword puzzles, intimacy, a little wine, more puzzles, words with friends, I'd get up and make him a snack, more talking, laughing, joking, cuddling.  Every night with John was magical.  It was when we were closest and at our best.  And now I'm so sad and lost.  I was honest with my therapist and doctor about what I'm doing; they both suggested anti-depressants.  I never thought of myself as someone who would take anti depressants.  So I tried not to take anything tonight- just some sleepy time tea.  And wow.  I'm a mess. I mean, no wonder I've been trying to knock myself out.  I'm in so much pain.  John and I worked so hard on our relationship for so many years; the last ten were the best.  I'll never have that again.  Absolutely impossible.   Sometimes I tell myself, 'Well, you survived his death, you survived the worst thing that could happen'.  But I feel like going on without him night after night is also pretty bad.  Guess I'll try the anti-depressants.  So glad to have this site to turn to.  Thank you!

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on May 14, 2018 at 4:30pm

Shelly what a wonderful thing to find!  

Carol, I'm  5 months out and my heart is just now beginning to catch up with my mind.  It still hurts so much but it's a different hurt from month one, two and three.  Hang in there and take it easy on yourself.  Grief requires patience. 

Marti, thank you for sharing your story.  It is an inspiration to us who are still waiting to love life once again. 

Comment by marti67 on May 13, 2018 at 9:48pm

(((carol))) a big hug to you, with all my heart. First weeks are horrible. I needed two whole months just to "realize" he was not coming back. Something in my mind was interrupted and wasn't talking with other parts.
Take your time, have care of you day by day or if you are not able to think to a whole day, just a few hours. In those days I felt my self overwhelmed even if my mom asked me "ok, let's plan the lunch for tomorrow".
Tomorrow? Which tomorrow?
I cremated him too, and saved one lock of his hair :)
Baby steps, I learned here. Be patience with yourself and make you surround by good friends taking care of you

Comment by marti67 on May 13, 2018 at 9:07pm

glad to have given you some hope.
Trust on me, I actually, really could not believe at all that my life will be restored.
It did, indeed, even if very very slowly.
Do not give up. 


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