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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1654
Latest Activity: 18 hours ago

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Comment by Rainy (Misty) 18 hours ago

Oh shoot, I wanted to add something Shelly.  I have a step-daughter as well who was her dad's baby.  I've taken a backseat from the beginning and kept in mind that he loves me different but loves me none the less.  

That being said, she had him for 34 yrs and I only had him for 5.  As much as I hate to admit it, she knew him better than I.  I defer to her for about everything referring to her dad.  In turn, she does to me.  I'm not saying feelings haven't been a bit hurt on each side....after all, we are both hyper-sensitive right now.  I was pretty lucky in that, she realized her life was centered around her family and mine was centered around her daddy.  Therefore, I have a whole different kind of ache.  Somehow, that in and of its self-has made me feel better.

If it's your wish to retain a relationship with your step-daughter I hope you'll be able to hash things out.  It's not worth having hard feelings on top of mourning your loss.  Hang in there.

Comment by Rainy (Misty) 18 hours ago

Shelly best of luck and hopefully it will turn out to be an event you actually enjoy, maybe you'll hear stories you haven't heard before.

Laurajay,  you said what I was thinking so I won't reword your comment, you said that way better than I could have!

Comment by shelley yesterday

Frank & Laurajay, Thank you for you comments.  Yes, I know I have to go and be pleasant.  I'm just not ready to celebrate his life when I'm still begging him to come back.  The "So what?"  comment, I've used that myself when emailing friends about this.  The bottom line is that it is what it is and I have to deal with it in John's honor.   I appreciate your advice and support.  

Comment by laurajay yesterday

Shelley.  playing the devil's  advocate since I am hoping some necessary  comments might toughen  you to the reality of the situation you will be facing.  First of all, I was a daddy's girl-the first man I loved  who loved me.  My daughter was also a daddy's  girl  with a special bond between them.  If  you realize  he(your husband) was hers(stepdaughter)  before he became  yours so to speak and nothing can change  that.  In the five yrs  here reading  posts   of the before and after death relationships  the vast majority  of  folks  have posted that had  rough times with "step" relationships  some  very  hurtful  some  nearly  vicious and a lot of what happened was unexpected.  You  kinda  have a  choice  of role playing.  You can attend the memorial  of the man you so loved  and be a gracious  widow  to honor  him  and the memories  you  made with him  or  you can play the  role of the  angry, wicked  step-mother who sulks  and  resents what is  happening (the memorial).  Try to realize  it's  only  a  few hours  of being pleasant  to family  and friends- people  who also cared for him  even if they are clueless of your true relationship with him and how deeply you are hurting. Most  don't  care. If given the opportunity  to speak  just  speak of  the qualities  you loved  about him and acknowledge  the  gratitude  you have that  others cared  about him,too.  His  daughter  lost  her  beloved  father. She  is hurting  and  has  chosen to lash out at you for her own reasons. You  be the  adult!  Let her  have her  memorial.  Don't argue  or debate as it will only  bring  on  stress  and  more ill  feelings  for you.  Smile.  Be  cordial. Walk  away from confrontation if  it comes.  If  told  what  you  should  do now  or in the future  just state  you have several things/ideas  you are considering.  Don't  try  to explain. Of course  it  may be  uncomfortable  or awkward.  So what?  The time will  fly by...just  imagine  the people  there  thinking  how well you are doing  and  how  your  kindness  and  friendliness  make it  easy to understand why he chose  YOU for a  partner.  Imagine him  there  watching  you.  Take  love  with you  and  leave  hurt angry  feelings  at home.  We are never ready for these occasions. Just  go with the flow and  tell yourself  "This too shall pass" because  it will.  I believe  you can and will be  fine.   Hugs  and  prayers...                    lj

Comment by Frank on Monday

Hi Shelley,

Celebrations of life overall are wonderful things that help family and friends to just what is says..

Celebrate the life of...  For those of us that have just gone through that loss it can be both terrible and wrenching or, if you can, it can be a celebration of our love and commitment.

Your mind is filled with inspirational times and moments with your husband.  During these celebrations everyone has a say and comments, and all are almost always humorous or poke good natured fun at some event.  If you can, try and stay away from the pain of loss, stick with good memories, and join in the celebration of your husbands life and in particular with you, as you remember to family some of these moments with family. 

Sincerely,

Frank

 

Comment by shelley on Monday

My husband's daughter and I had a falling out after John died.  She had endured many of her dad's relationships/girlfriends over the years, before John and I were together.  And it was important to her to be the most important woman in John's life.  That was fine with me.  But in the weeks after John died, she really crossed many boundaries and hurt my feelings/made me angry.  So now she has organized a "Celebration of Life" event. And of course I must attend but am not looking forward to it.  I'm just not ready.  Any advice on getting through it with the best possible attitude?  Thanks 

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on Friday

Mrs Hehar, I'm so sorry that happened to you.  I can see how that would cause a panic attack.

Shelly, I know how you feel with the sheets.  Jerry died at home, on his favorite flannel sheets in our bed.  I took them off and washed them all except his pillowcase.  It still smells like him and is shoved into a big ziplock bag.  I will never wash that pillowcase.  Jerry always helped me with our bed too, so it's weird to do it alone.  

I had the last shirt he wore and it was such a pleasure to bury my face in it...then his dog found it (I left in it on his chair) and drug it off and proceeded to sleep on it for several days until I found it again.  Needless to say, it smelled of dog when I got it back.  I was really annoyed.

Comment by shelley on Thursday

Well, I finally changed the sheets.  It was really hard.  Most times we changed the sheets together.  He would volunteer to tuck the fitted sheet in the farthest away corner and I would thank him.  He would complain about all the dog hair on the bed and I would change the subject.  Now I have clean sheets but no smell of his sunscreen on the pillows, no lint from his wool socks in the bed, only memories of us changing the sheets together, and memories of snuggling with him every night in those sheets.  

Comment by shelley on May 16, 2018 at 8:09pm

Mrs.Hehar, I love your 'fking'.  I'm pretty straight, proper, and my husband would use the 'fking' word and I loved it.  My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly on 11/10/17.  I can feel my heart race whenever I drive by the hospital, I try not to.  I am also familiar with the cry/scream feeling.  The 'going crazy' feeling.  Absofkinglutely, as my husband would say.  

Comment by Melissa on May 16, 2018 at 6:01pm

I'm so sorry, Mrs.Hehar. That must have been awful. It's normal to be so sad and afraid you think you're going crazy. I feel like that right now. It is fresh and new for us, and I hate it. I want my old life back. Somehow, we'll be okay. My love and prayers are with you.

 

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