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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1681
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Comment by Frank on May 20, 2018 at 9:02pm

Hi Shelley,

Celebrations of life overall are wonderful things that help family and friends to just what is says..

Celebrate the life of...  For those of us that have just gone through that loss it can be both terrible and wrenching or, if you can, it can be a celebration of our love and commitment.

Your mind is filled with inspirational times and moments with your husband.  During these celebrations everyone has a say and comments, and all are almost always humorous or poke good natured fun at some event.  If you can, try and stay away from the pain of loss, stick with good memories, and join in the celebration of your husbands life and in particular with you, as you remember to family some of these moments with family. 

Sincerely,

Frank

 

Comment by shelley on May 20, 2018 at 5:33pm

My husband's daughter and I had a falling out after John died.  She had endured many of her dad's relationships/girlfriends over the years, before John and I were together.  And it was important to her to be the most important woman in John's life.  That was fine with me.  But in the weeks after John died, she really crossed many boundaries and hurt my feelings/made me angry.  So now she has organized a "Celebration of Life" event. And of course I must attend but am not looking forward to it.  I'm just not ready.  Any advice on getting through it with the best possible attitude?  Thanks 

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on May 17, 2018 at 8:28pm

Mrs Hehar, I'm so sorry that happened to you.  I can see how that would cause a panic attack.

Shelly, I know how you feel with the sheets.  Jerry died at home, on his favorite flannel sheets in our bed.  I took them off and washed them all except his pillowcase.  It still smells like him and is shoved into a big ziplock bag.  I will never wash that pillowcase.  Jerry always helped me with our bed too, so it's weird to do it alone.  

I had the last shirt he wore and it was such a pleasure to bury my face in it...then his dog found it (I left in it on his chair) and drug it off and proceeded to sleep on it for several days until I found it again.  Needless to say, it smelled of dog when I got it back.  I was really annoyed.

Comment by shelley on May 16, 2018 at 9:40pm

Well, I finally changed the sheets.  It was really hard.  Most times we changed the sheets together.  He would volunteer to tuck the fitted sheet in the farthest away corner and I would thank him.  He would complain about all the dog hair on the bed and I would change the subject.  Now I have clean sheets but no smell of his sunscreen on the pillows, no lint from his wool socks in the bed, only memories of us changing the sheets together, and memories of snuggling with him every night in those sheets.  

Comment by shelley on May 16, 2018 at 8:09pm

Mrs.Hehar, I love your 'fking'.  I'm pretty straight, proper, and my husband would use the 'fking' word and I loved it.  My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly on 11/10/17.  I can feel my heart race whenever I drive by the hospital, I try not to.  I am also familiar with the cry/scream feeling.  The 'going crazy' feeling.  Absofkinglutely, as my husband would say.  

Comment by Melissa on May 16, 2018 at 6:01pm

I'm so sorry, Mrs.Hehar. That must have been awful. It's normal to be so sad and afraid you think you're going crazy. I feel like that right now. It is fresh and new for us, and I hate it. I want my old life back. Somehow, we'll be okay. My love and prayers are with you.

Comment by Seashell on May 16, 2018 at 1:39pm

Grief is like an onion being peeled. It comes off one layer at a time. Sometimes - when it hits - we feel as though we are going to go crazy. And, perhaps, in those moments, we do. Give yourself and your husband's mother a hug and toss that ----- GPS out the window! It has no heart and it does have a way of taking us down paths we would much rather not venture into in that moment. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 26 weeks is still very fresh and new.

Comment by Mrs.Hehar on May 16, 2018 at 1:19pm

So I was feeling anxious all morning so I thought it would get better by leaving the house. I took my husbands Mom to her doctors appointment then I had to take her to the dentist and on the way google maps took me the route that goes past his work like right at the intersection where he died, the light was red and I kept watching and timing the cars going thru the intersection, counting the seconds to when the driver must have hit my husband, after running the light.  We crossed and I had a panic attack and his mom started talking then I kinda yelled like just be quiet I can’t handle this. Stop talking then she was like ok ok. I wasn’t expecting to go past that same place, it’s been 26weeks since he was killed. Then I couldn’t stop crying. I still just want to cry like scream cry but I’m in the dental office now. And in the same complex is a salon called jimmys hair. That was my husbands name. Like why, I fking left the house feeling it will make me feel better but the opposite happened. It’s been 26 fking weeks. Like I seriously feel like I’m going to go crazy. 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on May 16, 2018 at 4:31am

(((SHELLEY)))
I'm so so sorry for your anguish ...
Grief causes a variety of symptoms such as depression, sleep deprivation, physical pain, mental anguish, loss of appetite, feeling lost, inability to stop blaming yourself, unability to function & many more. How I wished grief was peaceful ...
Try using a PM sleep & pain aid such as Tylenol PM, Advil PM, Excedrin PM, etc for pain & muscle aches. No matter what - you need sleep for rest & relief from anguish, circular thinking, agitation, exhaution.
You might want to consider your therapist's advice for depression. The entire mind, body & soul can be affected by grief - it shatters life as you knew it. Feeling lost, not recognizing one's self - the disconnect from self &/or surroundings are normal & common as well as depression. Its not about being weak or strong or resistant - grief is brutal in the first year as well as impacts others differently for a variety of reasons other than individualism. Its rough going, however, it will pass ...
Take care & be easy on yourself ...
Thoughts & prayers ...

Comment by Melissa on May 15, 2018 at 10:13pm

(((shelley))) I know. I understand. Nights were the best time, for exactly the reasons you mentioned. We talked about everything in bed at night. Even when we were each reading, we'd stop and read parts of our books aloud to each other, because we knew it would be appreciated. 

Nights are a special kind of hell, and I take anti-anxiety medication and Benadryl to try to get to knock myself out, too. 

I've been on anti-depressants for years, but I'm starting to think I need to have the dosage adjusted. The days seem to be getting easier, but the nights are getting harder. The pain is unbearable. Try the anti-depressants. They'll take some time to work, and you may have to have the dosage adjusted before it's right for you, but anything that helps at this point is worth it.

I wish you comfort and peace. 

 

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