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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on May 29, 2018 at 6:32pm

Shelley, you might want to add your movie list "Death at a Funeral". Both the American & British versions w/Peter Dinklage are too funny ...

Comment by laurajay on May 29, 2018 at 12:41am

Certainly  not my role  to judge  but a published psychology professor  who lacks  politeness, thoughtfulness and good manners  ought to think about going on a   sabbatical  and  taking  a few life  skills  classes.  I'm glad the ceremony  went well so your  husband received  the honor  a good man  deserves when he passes  on.  As for the the stepdaughter... You are  wise to let it go and  move on.  Peter   Principal prevails in this situation  imo.

Comment by shelley on May 28, 2018 at 10:15pm

I'd just like to give myself a little credit.  With the advice and support of the members of this website, I was able to attend my stepdaughter's "Celebration of Life" for my husband and support her efforts.  It took place in a meadow in Golden Gate Park; I carefully positioned myself in the crowd of people to be part of the ceremony but to let her be prominent.  She spoke for 50 minutes (a long time!); I did not speak.  This was not unusual-  she's a published  psychology professor and speaks all over the world; I am shy and my relationship with my husband was a very private one.   I was glad to see that she was comforted by the people she invited; I enjoyed listening to the guests I've been close to.  I was able to have empathy for her and wish her peace.  I don't know if I've forgiven her for her poor behavior, but I believe we've turned a corner.  I don't feel angry with her any more.  

Comment by shelley on May 28, 2018 at 9:38pm

SweetMelissa2007, Just watched on Amazon the trailer for "Kingdom Come".  Looking forward to watching it all this weekend.  Thank you!

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on May 28, 2018 at 6:24am

(((Happy B-day Shelley)))

Yesterday, on regular TV I watched "Kingdom Come" - a comedy about a funeral with family ups & downs from money to parent/child conflicts - Whoopi, Cedric the Entertainer, Loretta Devine, Anthony Anderson & many more great actors/actresses.
At 11 years out, it was easy to laugh while swaying my head side to side remembering all those I forgave for their brazen words & inappropriate behavior. One, I had long forgotten was my ex-MIL announcing to my family "Don't worry about her, she'll have a boyfriend in a year". The room fell silent like the E. F. Hutton commercial - I went outside to avoid listening to the conflict it ensued. All the way around, everyone continues to be relied & happy in having cast eachother out of one another's lives years ago. As young as they were, my kids had already recognized their positions at the bottom of the family chain beside me & their father b/c it was well known he was not his parent's favorite of 4 children. In having treated Bob like a lowly hamburger flipper, his parents were shocked to learn from going behind my back in searching our files & contacting his company that his computer analyst career was highly lucrative, specialized & in demand in his 6 state region as well as others. He earned three times or more what his engineer, lawyer & dental hygienist siblings brought home individually. I'm certain they suspected as much from all the toys Bob had accumulated, but why admit to it when wanting to discredit your own child over a lifetime, then in death immediately try to get me to hire his brother for the lawsuits & sign over power of attorney to the life insurance money. Very sad people - all around the world. Never know who in a family will unmask themself as a predatory wolf or vulture. In my case, I knew it would be them who would immediately pounce on the money - its their nature. Whether they appreciated anything, I'm still glad their sneakiness allowed them to see how successful their son was & from the outpouring what he meant to my family, his friends, boss, co-workers & the others he worked w/in surrounding states.
In time w/alot of work & forgiveness, it might all take on a look like the movie as a laughable ridiculous family circus even if there is flinching ...

Comment by shelley on May 27, 2018 at 7:52pm

Thank you, laurajay.  Yes I am lucky that I can exhaust myself at the gym.  Bad hips, bad knees and all.  Turned 64 today.  Once the endorphins kick in, it's all good.  I know how fresh my experience is.  I've been crying since  the memorial.  Appreciating my valium prescription.  

Comment by laurajay on May 27, 2018 at 7:38pm

shelley- never  doubted  you would be fine...lucky  you are  healthy  enough  for such exercise!  It certainly  can help. Loved  ones must have  some  plan or help in the afterlife  by  contacting  us  with  surprises...a feather, a coin,  even finding an item that had been missing,  hearing music  all sorts  of  things.  Coincidences?  maybe  or maybe  more...subject  to interpretation.  Remember  you are  still  in the freshness  of  your grief having  lost your spouse.  With time  healing continues.  

Comment by shelley on May 26, 2018 at 8:31pm

So I went to the memorial today.  It was fine.  Glad I went.  Yesterday afternoon I spent hours at the gym blasting music into my earphones and exhausting every muscle in my body.  That work out combined with crying myself to sleep for several nights combined with the support I received from this web site allowed me to be present and gracious at the memorial.  And...    this morning when I woke up and walked into the living room, there was a feather on the floor in front of the sofa where I sit, where my husband used to sit.  I assume it was from John.  I haven't had any birds in the house that I know of.  

Comment by shelley on May 24, 2018 at 6:41pm

I posted somewhere about my stepdaughter (in a forum where the subject was adult stepchildren), can't find it.  So I'll post here:  After my husband died (suddenly and unexpectedly) his 43 year old daughter came in the home that my husband and I shared and went through cupboards, dressers, etc, looking for anything she might want.  I was in shock, didn't know what to say/do.  She wrote and published his obituary without letting me read it beforehand.  I had suggested to my husband that he add her name to one of his bank accounts in case something happened to the both of us because he procrastinated about writing a will.  After John died, she took all the money out of the account and closed it without telling me.  She picked up what she thought was his pension check (it wasn't an actual check, he had direct deposit) and put it in her purse. She found $300 stashed where John and I sometimes hid cash and was putting it in her purse when I said that the money was mine.  She begrudgingly threw it on the kitchen counter.  She contacted his pension administrator and social security to see if she was a beneficiary.  John had two IRA's-  she told me over and over again that John wanted her to have those funds.  I signed over the IRA's to her because I didn't want money to be an issue between us.  And I was grieving, didn't care at all about money.  At the mortuary, when I said that I wanted John's ashes for just 24 hours and would then split them with her, she stormed out crying.  Her husband yelled at me and said that I was completely self-absorbed.  Soon after my husband died, she emailed me and asked if I wanted to help plan a "Celebration of Life"; I said that it was too soon for me so she went ahead with the plans on her own.  So on Saturday I will attend my husband's "Celebration of Life".  I'm still working on saying, 'John's not coming back', thought for sure I saw him yesterday.  But I will make the best of an awkward situation and hope for some healing.  It was fine with me that she was a 'Daddy's girl'.  I was very secure in my relationship with my husband.  But I think in hindsight that we created a monster.  

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on May 22, 2018 at 3:28am

Oh shoot, I wanted to add something Shelly.  I have a step-daughter as well who was her dad's baby.  I've taken a backseat from the beginning and kept in mind that he loves me different but loves me none the less.  

That being said, she had him for 34 yrs and I only had him for 5.  As much as I hate to admit it, she knew him better than I.  I defer to her for about everything referring to her dad.  In turn, she does to me.  I'm not saying feelings haven't been a bit hurt on each side....after all, we are both hyper-sensitive right now.  I was pretty lucky in that, she realized her life was centered around her family and mine was centered around her daddy.  Therefore, I have a whole different kind of ache.  Somehow, that in and of its self-has made me feel better.

If it's your wish to retain a relationship with your step-daughter I hope you'll be able to hash things out.  It's not worth having hard feelings on top of mourning your loss.  Hang in there.

 

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