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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1688
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Discussion Forum

Grief, guilt, and regret

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Melissa on Friday. 11 Replies

Hello,I lost my husband of 38 years suddenly 11 weeks ago tomorrow. We were empty nesters with two grown children, and two adorable granddaughters. It was a Sunday afternoon, and Don was in our…Continue

Grief, guilt, and regret

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Crabby Oct 14. 4 Replies

Hello,I lost my husband of 38 years suddenly 11 weeks ago tomorrow. We were empty nesters with two grown children, and two adorable granddaughters. It was a Sunday afternoon, and Don was in our…Continue

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Comment by Gunnerx2 (Carol) on June 27, 2018 at 4:02am

I am coming up on the one year anniversary of Dennis' death.  Part of me wants to sit in a corner and die.  The other part of me wants to celebrate his life and continue to move forward.  I feel extremely guilty about that part of me.  How could I want to move forward so soon?  Does that mean I did not love him as much as I make it seem?  I never "fell apart".  I kept things together and had things that had to get done.  I am all alone in Tampa and no birth children.  I did not fall apart when my Mom or Sister passed either.  Perhaps that is just the way I deal with death, perhaps there is something wrong with me, perhaps I am selfish and nobody matters to me.  I sometimes hate me for surviving.  I definitely hate me for not falling apart.  Carol

Comment by Tess on June 27, 2018 at 4:00am

I am going to recreate the post I just inadvertently deleted. Grrr, where is the edit feature??

Anyway, it is heartbreaking and comforting at the same time to read all of your posts. I reach out to you all with comfort. Many hugs to you.

What Pianogrl68 wrote really resonated with me. Recalling the entire moments of your relationship, not strictly the moment of death. My husband had committed suicide, so the feelings of shock and self-blame at the time were amplified. I probably only recently realized that the moment of death feelings were subtly being replaced by loving memories of our entire lives together - the love and the humor. That has been a real comfort for me.

I wish you all peace and comfort. Let's stay connected.

Comment by Pianogrl68 on June 26, 2018 at 11:14pm

Shelley, I am so sorry for your loss, I would like to pass along what a good friend told me yesterday. Choose to recall the entire moment of your life together and not just a snapshot of its ending. Death does not represent the totality of any relationship, but requires us to transform a physically present relationship to it’s spiritual counterpart. Acceptance can ease the process and relieve the agony of refusal to let go. She told me the day will come when the softness of sweet memories will bring warm smiles of recollection. I am trying very hard to do that  even though it feels intolerable right now. Sending you hugs and be kind to yourself.

Comment by shelley on June 26, 2018 at 9:04pm

Pianogrl68, I also laid next to husband, holding him, stroking him, kissing him as he died, begging him to come back.  Living without him is so hard.    

Comment by shelley on June 26, 2018 at 8:27pm

Am feeling so sad today.  Crying hard since waking up this morning.  All day today remembering the little things that made him so special.  It's almost 8 months for me.  I am absolutely lost.  Have had some okay days, try to give myself credit for making it this far.  These posts mean so much to me.  Thank you.  

Comment by LMJ90 on June 26, 2018 at 8:05pm

Hello Everyone

I am new here and this is my first post.  I have been reading and looking around so I thought it was time I shared too.  I lost my husband 3 and a half years ago.  He was at work and suddenly passed out and fell 12ft from the back of a flatbed semi trailer.  He was on a secluded rural job site.  His co workers weren't sure what to do.  Once someone came over to help CPR was started and an AED was used.  He had 5 shockable Rhythms and was rushed to the hospital while advanced life support was being administered.  The rescue personnel nor the hospital staff could revive him.  They said it was a sudden cardiac death.  With this  not being a heart attack I was even more confused as to why he couldn't be saved. Sudden rhythm problems should be correctable with AED.   Since that awful day I have had to move three times and change jobs.  We have three children, at the time two were young adults and one was in high school.  They are all doing pretty well now considering they have started the next chapters in their lives and are doing what we raised them to do.  (be productive, loving caring adults)  I miss him so very much each day.  I went through the what if's and the should haves and sometimes still go there.  My everyday is a struggle.  I miss us so very much.  I miss companionship.  Thank you all for taking the time to read this.

Comment by Pianogrl68 on June 26, 2018 at 4:21pm

Hi Everyone, I was reading everyone’s comments and I want to thank everyone here, for your kind words and comfort. It’s been 5 months and just hearing his name brings me to tears. His personality was larger than life and I miss him so much. The pain is unbearable at times. We were always together like two peas in a pod and he made me a better person. Everything plays in my head like a slow movie frame by frame and it never ends. Watching him gasping for air and telling me he’s dying  and having to shut his eyes after and it’s unbearable. I ask God everyday why him and not me. I would give anything to bring him back. He was the most selfless person I had ever met. I have a trunk full of his love letters in my room that he would write me every holiday and every birthday until that awful day and I can’t bear to even look at them. I still sleep with his jacket on my bed to bring me a little comfort but this house feels so empty now. I tried gardening and it didn’t help, I would after sit there and think he would of really liked this and burst into tears. I can’t escape the pain no matter what I do and I feel so empty and lost. Thank you all so much for reading my post I deeply appreciate it.

Comment by MomOfBoys (Tammi) on June 26, 2018 at 3:53pm

@IBelieveInYou

I feel the exact same way,  I died with my husband but somehow I came back.  And now I do they why him?  Why not me?  I feel he could have handled this better.

Comment by Hope24 on June 26, 2018 at 3:44pm
I'm so sorry for your loss, Pianogrl68. My husband also died shortly before our youngest son was to graduate from high school, so I understand how difficult that was for you. He died suddenly a little over 4 years ago, but I just recently found this support group and haven't posted anything. We were married 29 years. It seems like just yesterday and I still miss him so much. I remember ​those first days and months, especially the nights. I still have difficult days, but also good days. Four years later, our son just graduated from college...with honors, so it was a very emotional time​. ​It's tough to be forced into a new way of life and I'm still not used to it. Reading other people's stories on this site has definitely helped me with the slow process of moving forward. I'm amazed of the people who have just recently lost their spouse, and everyone else, who give such great advice and comfort here. Thank you!
Comment by Racingfan60 on June 26, 2018 at 3:39pm

Hello Pianogrl68: I lost my husband of 25 years on July 27. 2016, we have 2 boys who were 19 and 24 at the time of their father's death. My husband had just finished 8 weeks of external beam radiation for prostate cancer he had completed the entire 8 weeks and had received his "I Survived" cap we thought we were home free the doctors told us to go home and wait for 1 month and to come back to the office to see if the radiation had done away with the cancer on week 4 of the 8 week treatment my husband began complaining of shortness of breath and we both told the doctor about this and he insisted it was caused by the extremely hot weather we were having even though I told him that Larry had worked for 23 years next to a furnace in a foundry and that heat did not really bother him but the doctor still insisted it was the weather so we accepted that but the next week rolled around and the shortness of breath was still present and again the doctor said it was the weather for weeks 4-8 my husband was experiencing shortness of breath and was still experiencing it when he was told to go home and wait for a month once we got home Larry stayed inside the house in the air conditioning and just walking down the hallway to the bathroom would cause him to have shortness of breath my husband never had any type of cardiac problems at all so on July 25, 2016 we went back to the office to have his blood drawn to see if the cancer was gone we were told to return to the office on July 28, 2016 to talk to the doctor well on July 27, 2016 my husband and I were about to take our youngest son back to college for him to register for classes for his second year in college I was getting dressed and Larry was taking a bath I was in the den along with my oldest son when we heard Larry fall we thought he might have fallen in some water when he got out of the tub because he had previously had 2 total hip replacements, 1 total knee replacement, rotator cuff surgery and bicep repair surgeries but when I got to our bedroom he was in the floor gasping for breath I yelled and told my son to call 911 he came to the bedroom and began performing CPR on my husband we got my husband back to breathing but he once again stopped breathing so we continued to give CPR until the EMT's arrived when they got here they hooked him up to all kind of machines and they got him to breathing again they asked him if he knew where he was, what is age was and what day of the week it was he answered all but one question correctly my oldest son, me and my dad were all watching as the EMTs were working on my husband sweat was pouring off of him he was a very hairy man the 2 EMT's proceeded to move Larry from the floor onto a stretcher but they did not ask my son nor my dad to help pick Larry up these 2 EMTs might have weighed 225 lbs between them both my husband was around 260lbs when they were wheeling the stretcher up my hallway to the ambulance my husband yelled out that he could not breath he said this twice once they got to the ambulance they began performing CPR again and gave him epinephrine when they left my home they did not put the siren on nor were they driving fast my oldest son and I followed the ambulance to the hospital when we arrived we were led to the chapel where the ER doctor and a nurse came in and told us Larry didn't make it it was that moment that my life was and still is different it was like I also died with my husband I just could not believe that we had been through so many surgeries to have him taken away in the blink of an eye he was only 57 years old.t

 

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