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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1703
Latest Activity: yesterday

Discussion Forum

The 6-month mark

Started by Crabby. Last reply by KJPE yesterday. 9 Replies

I hit the 6-month mark this past Tuesday. As expected, it was very sad and emotional for me. I took off from work Tuesday and Wednesday because I just could not face the world. My daughter did take…Continue

When Friends Step Back

Started by GrievingandLost37. Last reply by KJPE Jan 29. 4 Replies

Since my husband died suddenly, my family and our friends were there for me during the first couple of months.  My family was so supportive and continues to be supportive for me.  Then, some friends…Continue

Other "Firsts"

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Polly Jan 24. 2 Replies

Just some thoughts - I think we've all heard people say that the first year is the hardest. They tell us you have to get through all of the firsts - first holidays, first birthdays, first…Continue

He deserved so much more love

Started by KJPE. Last reply by KJPE Jan 23. 5 Replies

At least once a day, I feel intensely frustrated & sad because my husband was exceptionally wonderful to me, and I keep wanting to give him more love and cannot believe that I can't any more. …Continue

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Comment by jlsrdh on October 11, 2018 at 5:27pm

i'm newly widowed, 7 weeks. New- to this type of conversation too. I read  'Its ok your not ok" and the author listed this site. Of course I don't do facebook, twitter, instagram. Email is it for me. Being lost in grief is so hard and draining. His memorial service was just last Saturday, and our 38 anniversary was last Thursday. Both, Such sad days.  I lost my everything 7 weeks ago. We never had children, it was always just us. We did everything together. He would even get mad if I did not want to go with him to Costco. Its quite & lonely now. We only moved to this state 6 months ago so except for my sister and my mom there is now one here. I know a few of my neighbors slightly, and next week to start the process of a coffee date with 1, and a walk with another. They all say call if you need anything. I don't call. I'm in grief counseling and she is great. Making me, an introvert, try to take baby steps to get to know these women. To see if I have a connection or can make one. My stupid neighbor next door has said terrible things to me. He is so STUPID. 2 days after Toms death he wanted ME to take HIM to the hospital to see Toms body so he could say goodbye.  REALLY what is wrong with you. I left that day it happened for 30 minutes, my husband waved goodbye when I backed out of the garage. I can home and found him on the bathroom floor, heart attack. I started CPR, while I yelled at 911 on my phone. They were never able to revive him. So my neighbor says, so you found him on your bathroom floor does it bother you to go in there. these are just 2 of the numerous things he has said so far. He comes over when I'm out in the yard. I'm caught.  It was not until I read 2 grief books and found out things YOU never say, and why they hurt so much. Now, if he starts to say something hurtful  he will find out how Not nice I can be. I've always been an easy crier and now everything makes me cry. Strange things have happened in my home and I know its Tom. I talk to his picture ever night and discuss my day. I now have his ashes in my bedroom, and I'm ok with it.   I have him in spirit just not his physical body. 

I still put the pillows at night on the bed where he slept, and some nights I sleep and others i'm awake most the night. I'm glad I'm retired as there is no way I could have patients ask me everyday all day about him and what happened. I retired from the dental profession last year. We had so many plans, and now its all gone forever.

Well, I don't know if I've done this correct so If not I apologize as this is new    

Comment by laurajay on October 7, 2018 at 3:09am

Having  children  young enough  to still be living at home entails  both  personal grief  and  assuming   dual  role  of mother  and father  and must be  absolutely  daunting  task!  Far harder  life as a widow  this  awesome task.  We  had  grandchildren  who  had  family  dinner  on  Wednesday  with  a well,  happy  loving  grandfather  who  suddenly  was  dead  two days  later  on Friday.  They  mutually  adored  one another  but  the  children    had  parents  alive  to love  them  when the loss  occurred.   Far  more  difficult  with  young children,  Clare.  I  could  not have coped  trying  to help  children thrive without a father.  My heart  goes  out to you. 

Comment by alwayssmilemichele on October 6, 2018 at 8:13pm

My sincere apologies Clare.  I did not mean to imply that losing your spouse was any easier if you had children. I didn't have children....You had children...We both lost our Beloveds...We both are grieving/broken.  I truly feel your pain and understand your anger/ frustration. I wish neither one of us had to experience this.  Sending you my best virtual hug.  Apologies.

Michele

Comment by shellybean on October 6, 2018 at 7:58pm

Clare - I think children are one of those "grass is always greener...." things. I'd do just about ANYTHING to have had a child with Marcus, even knowing I would be raising that child without him. I'm sorry you don't have someone willing to lend a hand with the kids at no cost to give you a moment of alone time to properly grieve. 

Comment by Clare on October 6, 2018 at 7:50pm

Yes, it's so much easier having kids to love. Really? I have to pay people to look after my kids in order to actually be able to grieve. My eldest is special needs and my youngest is 4. For crying out loud!

Comment by alwayssmilemichele on October 6, 2018 at 7:34pm

Yes, Broken Diva, I  think having children makes a huge difference (or not in our case).  Perhaps it is because having a child still allows you a  physical person TO LOVE. It truly is a different "alone" when you have lost your intimate/significant partner and had no children..especially for women. JMO

My 3 older brothers and sis-in-laws were as helpful as they knew how to be but life does go on, doesn't it?  While the "please call if you need anything" is truly sincere....first, I didn't know what I needed from one day to the next AND Bob was always the person who helped everyone with everything so i didn't even know HOW to ask. He just saw if something needed to be done  and did it.

Melissa,  I'm sorry about your best friend. My BFF of 30+ years hasn't contacted me for almost 6 months (even though I still text and leave VM) because I am trying to move on with my new reality. (she thought I hadn't grieved Bob long enough to sell house or start dating). We can't win either way, huh?

I found my second year without Bob to be harder than the first.  I'm not sure why.  I will tell you that people didn't get any kinder and I didn't get any less angry or feeling more alone.

I wish all of us here a bit of peace...even if it is only for moment.  Thank you! 

Michele

Comment by shelley on October 6, 2018 at 4:09pm

Hi Melissa,  It will be 11 months for me on the tenth.  I'm sorry that you were sick and that you're dealing with judgments of your grief.  Yuck.

Comment by Melissa on October 6, 2018 at 11:29am

It seems that we are all going through the same thing. It's been 11 months today since my husband died. I was sick the other day, and my son came over to borrow something. I told him I was sick and I felt especially awful because Gilbert wasn't here to cheer me up. He told me I had to stop "wallowing" in my grief and get over it. 

My best friend used to call me every day to see how I was doing. Now that it's been almost a year, she doesn't feel she needs to anymore. I should be okay by now. Same with my sister. Things are harder now, coming up on the anniversary of his death, but everyone seems to think I should be fine. I feel as if I can't share how I feel, because I'm perceived as wallowing.

I don't have any answers. I don't know what to do. If I didn't have this place, I would be completely lost. My heart is with you all.

Comment by Broken Diva on October 6, 2018 at 7:37am

OMG Bundles549!  You really are living my life!!   I read your other posts about your cousins visiting and NOT BRINGING ANYTHING!  Expecting you to make something to eat???  Really???  Just because it is three years after your husband died doesn't mean that it is easy!  Especially when you are taking care of your mother!  Don't people get it??  That you need respite.....Why can't people just be kind??  Also you mentioned about having flashbacks of your previous life with your husband....I do that too...and they are intrusive and unwanted at the time.  They make me sad.  People say "Oh it's so nice you had a nice life with him and you think about him."  Not!  They just don't get it.  Karma is a bitch.  Not that I wish how I feel on anyone, but come on!

Comment by rm2121 on October 6, 2018 at 6:54am

My life feels as if it’s spiraling out of control. One thing after another. My younger sons teacher said that I could drop him in class 10-15 minutes early as her son sits in the class with her on the computer. I get an email yesterday that she no longer wants to have him coming to class earlier. 

My husnbad was an amazing dad and did the drop off and pick ups. We don’t have family since they abandoned us, no close friends willing to help or that live close by. I’m struggling to survive - 18DAED2B-78FC-411C-89BF-0C537BE9B49D.jpeg

 

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