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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1703
Latest Activity: yesterday

Discussion Forum

The 6-month mark

Started by Crabby. Last reply by KJPE yesterday. 9 Replies

I hit the 6-month mark this past Tuesday. As expected, it was very sad and emotional for me. I took off from work Tuesday and Wednesday because I just could not face the world. My daughter did take…Continue

When Friends Step Back

Started by GrievingandLost37. Last reply by KJPE Jan 29. 4 Replies

Since my husband died suddenly, my family and our friends were there for me during the first couple of months.  My family was so supportive and continues to be supportive for me.  Then, some friends…Continue

Other "Firsts"

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Polly Jan 24. 2 Replies

Just some thoughts - I think we've all heard people say that the first year is the hardest. They tell us you have to get through all of the firsts - first holidays, first birthdays, first…Continue

He deserved so much more love

Started by KJPE. Last reply by KJPE Jan 23. 5 Replies

At least once a day, I feel intensely frustrated & sad because my husband was exceptionally wonderful to me, and I keep wanting to give him more love and cannot believe that I can't any more. …Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by Just.me on October 16, 2018 at 8:07am

Hi Shelley. I was feeling the same almost four years ago. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything too complicated or solemn. I live near two young grandkids and my son. We wrote brief notes to Grandpa, tied them to helium balloons, and released them all together. Just an idea. I hope it helps.

Comment by shelley on October 14, 2018 at 10:21pm

So... my husband died 11/10/17.  And I thought about what I might do on that day in 2018 and decided I will just deal with it.  I can't figure out what I might do to make the day special or to distract myself.  I thought I was strong enough to deal with whatever feelings come up on that day.  But today...  the beginning of the events that led to the day he died.  Really hard.  And it's only the middle of October.  Another month to go.  What did you all do on the first anniversary of your spouse's death?  Is there any thing that makes the day softer and/or more bearable?

Comment by Melissa on October 13, 2018 at 11:21pm

We will get through this. Somehow. There are 17 million widows in the United States. We keep living, and life gets more bearable.

I know I am better than I was 11 months ago, when my husband died. I don't cry all the time anymore. I'm able to eat again. I can't find a purpose for my life yet, but I hope in time that will come.

My love to you all.

Comment by Tonya on October 13, 2018 at 8:06pm

Crabby I am so sorry for your loss and the way it happened. I lost my love about 5 months ago and your story sounds so much like mine. I have the same what ifs running around in my head. I feel so badly about how it happened. So much guilt and regret for not being able to save him. Doing everything wrong when it ment the most. For all of that I still can’t change the end result. I’m not sure how to get through all of this. I hope we can somehow.

Comment by Broken Diva on October 13, 2018 at 5:29am

BTW, just to let you know that my husband and I hosted every holiday for 15 years and my parents nor I have had not ONE invitation for a holiday since he died!

Comment by Broken Diva on October 13, 2018 at 5:27am

Dear Diva70,

It's like I wrote your post!  I can' believe it either - that people are hurt at MY behavior!

My husband died at the end of October and my brother and his family wanted to come to MY house because my mother lives with me for Thanksgiving in November!  I said no way....I wasn't up to it.  I didn't cook or anything, just ordered food and would maybe eat it in front of the TV at some time during the day.  

Well, they had everything planned out; they were having dinner at home and then would come to my house --- for dessert!  Like I even had dessert and then they were going to a move!.  I was also caring for my elderly parents so I suggested they come out and take my parents to the movie with them.  My sister in law's response, "I don't think so."  So everyone got mad at me!!!  Said I was being selfish!!!  Unbelievable.

Happened again at Christmas.  My niece called and said she was coming to 'visit" - Visiting means drinking and eating my food - which I had none.  So I said, Sorry no visitors.

Now they are all mad at me!!!  I just needed to be left alone, but didn't stop them from picking up my parents and taking them to THEIR house for the holidays!

It's strange...you never expect that type of behavior from your own family.  But after reading these posts, it seems like that is sort of the norm!

Karma.....

Comment by alwayssmilemichele on October 13, 2018 at 1:09am

Dear jsrdh

My true sympathy to you.  I did not read..."It's OK, ..   However, may I recommend  "I wasn't ready to say goodbye"  about sudden loss?  I got both the print and audio version.   Honestly, there were times I would have the audio playing almost 24 hrs as white noise.

I lost Bob March 8th, 2016.  He was my beloved, my husband of 27 years.  We were each other's joy....no children either.   He retired 11 year earlier and I was planning on retiring  from the dental profession  in 2017.

I'm glad you found  grief counseling and also this forum.  You can share and post or just take solace from lurking knowing that what you are feeling is OK.

People are STUPID!  They don't have any idea.  It is OK to be angry at everybody and everything....I still am.

We lost our world, our foundation, our comfortable flannel blanket.  You have always been the one that has provided care and comfort (look at your profession/career)...no wonder stupid neighbor expected you to be clinical and competent....you always have been!    We get it......I get it.   

(HUGS)

Michele

Comment by DIVA70 on October 12, 2018 at 10:25pm

First I want to say I am sorry for your loss. I am also reading 'It's Ok You're Not Ok. It's been a little over 5 months since my husband/friend of over 50 years left us. During that time I have come to the conclusion that there are some people who will never get it! They want everything to go back to the way it was before April 29th and at least two have indicated how hurt they are at my behavior. Can you believe that? THEY are hurt! So I have made a conscious decision to have as little to do with these individuals as possible and when questioned I just walk away. I really don't have the time and energy to stop and help them lick their wounds. My brother-in-laws birthday is coming up soon and I have already decided I am not going. I will send him a nice card and a gift but I am not going to subject myself to sitting around laughing and smiling as if everything is ok in my life and the comments about my being a single lady and available again. I did not choose to be a widow and I am not in desperate need of male companionship. The love of my life is gone and I am still reeling from the loss. As you have probably surmised this is where you can vent and say what is really on your mind without being judged or patronized. I have five beautiful grandchildren who live within an hour from me. Before April 29th my husband and I would never say no to any request involving the five. Sorry, but right now grandma has to focus on healing and trying to create a new reality so I determine when I  want to come over or vice versa.Take your time...and don't feel you have to make apologies for any decisions you make. Do what's best for you. I hope you continue to be active on this site and I wish you well.

Comment by Broken Diva on October 12, 2018 at 4:40pm

Dear jlsdh,

So sorry you are new to this "Club."  I never wanted to be a member.

I know what you mean about stupid people.  I have disassociated with so many "friends" over my husband's death, including my family.  

My sister in law - a month after he died suddenly - told me that i have to "get on with my life" then proceeded to call me in hysterics about a month later because her cat died!  I told her I don't have to do or get on with anything and I hoped that she didn't have to find her loved one dead and blue on the floor!  I say things now that I never thought I would say.

I also eliminated the "should-ers" You SHOULD buy a condo, you SHOULD get on with your life, etc.  I think it's better to not even waste time with these people!  There are a lot more caring people out there.

A woman at work told me "I know exactly how you feel!  I broke up with my boyfriend last year...."

I'm so glad you are going to a counselor.  I saw a grief counselor and he helped me tremendously.  I recently started seeing another therapist too, because I found out that people really don't care or understand what we are going through.  I really don't wish anything bad on anyone, but karma is a bitch.  

I hope you have a reasonable day tomorrow and if I could be of assistance, please email me.

Take care.

Comment by Frank on October 11, 2018 at 9:22pm

Hi Jlsrdh,

I'm so sorry to read you introduction.  While your neighbor may be a well intended jerk, he is still acting like a jerk.  I would  not blame you a bit it you turned your "nice hat" around. 

You are most welcome here.  We are all traveling down similar paths.  Some are just starting out as you are and others such as me, are further along.  What you comment about is completely normal for those of us that have lost our spouse.  Please take your time to read here on WV.  Look at the various posts.  Many of them will be relating to your present feelings.  This is a place where you can rage, vent, cry, scream, and wrestle with your problems and questions.  Each time you discuss what happened, try to write in detail with feelings. Put yourself and your feelings into the comments and notes.  You will find that it actually helps. Just the mechanics of trying to put yourself on paper logically and with feelings helps your mind sort things out.

When you have read and perhaps replied to and friended others, you will be able to join us in the Chat Room.

It's not a requisite to do all that, it just that sometimes as you watch folks going back and forth, sometimes laughing and bantering, it is too much too soon.   There we support each other, laugh with each other, and get to know each other.  It took me a month or two or even three before I felt able to chat. 

I lost my wife, Susan, in December of 2012.  She went to sleep Sunday night, and did not wake up Monday morning. My life imploded.  I felt gut punched..unable to breathe, and barely able to stand with all the crying, screaming.  We had celebrated our 35th anniversary in October. She was my best friend, and my rock. Without her I felt completely helpless and adrift in a rubber raft on a raging ocean of emotions.  I had no purpose, no goals, no aims.  For awhile I simply awoke in a fog of disbelief, got dressed, picked at food, and went back to bed where sleep completely escaped me.  I've been where you are, as have most all of us.  We can help and support you.  Just keep writing, keep reaching out.  We are all here for you.

((((HUGS))))
Frank

 

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