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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Members: 1729
Latest Activity: on Thursday

Discussion Forum

Since He Died...

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Pualili221 Jun 23. 9 Replies

People are always telling me how strong I am.  I don't feel strong.  It's rare that a day goes by when I don't cry.  You could probably count on one hand how many days I haven't cried since July 29,…Continue

He deserved so much more love

Started by KJPE. Last reply by Mrs Bear May 22. 11 Replies

At least once a day, I feel intensely frustrated & sad because my husband was exceptionally wonderful to me, and I keep wanting to give him more love and cannot believe that I can't any more. …Continue

Walking the line tonight

Started by BlueRoses. Last reply by lulu74 May 15. 3 Replies

The line between what is and what was. It is more of a tightrope, that often at this hour starts to fray. My sailor, soared last August. He was a young, bright, tenacious man, who left this planet at…Continue

Old Mementos

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Roxi May 1. 3 Replies

Tonight I was going through boxes in the basement, trying to declutter some because I have to move.  Don died 9 months ago yesterday.  i went out to get pizza, and when I came home, I found him. He…Continue

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Comment by Melissa on January 8, 2019 at 11:46am

I'm sorry, Allan_sch. Eight months is still new, but the shock is wearing off. From my own experience, and talking to other widows/widowers, this is the time it all starts to seem real.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You wouldn't expect to be moving ahead eight months after a devasting injury, for example. You would be kind to yourself and try to eat well and get plenty of rest.

I know it's a cliche, but we just have to take baby steps. If you look at where you are now compared to where you were eight months ago, you'll see how far you've come. It's still so hard and will continue to be hard, but it will get better.

We can do this together. Keep thinking about the wonderful memories and try to smile. Your wife loved to see you smile.

I wish you all the best.

Comment by Allan_sch on January 7, 2019 at 8:48pm

My wife of 30 years passed away 8 months ago 

I cannot seem to move ahead. I made it through the holidays her birthday and our anniversary 

but every day brings back wonderful memories. We just did everything together, now it’s just me

Comment by Frank on January 6, 2019 at 10:59pm

Hi KJPE

The situation with your friends is completely normal.  It's not that they forget, its mostly that life interferes with things and "We" sort of slip into the background.  I plead with folks here to not wish them ill will.  They say the darnedest things to us from the innocuous "How are you doing? " To one person who very seriously told me that they knew exactly how I felt because their dog died.  It's a part of our culture today.  Folks don't like to see anyone in pain.   No matter what the problem is, they try to fix (us) it.  The other thing is that they see us and our shattered selves and quite frankly, we scare the heck out of them.  They see their stalwart friends shattered to the bone, crippled, in pain and agony, and they recoil (self protection).  The more perspective ones realize that one day they are looking at themselves.  

When we have that kind of tragedy occur, our minds in self protection mode, shift over to a stunned mode or what we sometimes call "Fog."  Over time our minds start to bring us back into "normal" and the fog begins to thin.  This gives way to our thinking that we don't remember everything just some stuff, and if you are like me, later, you wonder how in the world you managed to do all that was necessary in those first few months.  How did we ever get through it?  

Hang in there Kid!  You are actually doing just fine.

Hugs

Frank

Comment by KJPE on January 6, 2019 at 3:23pm

Dear Nance63, thanks for reminding me to breathe deeply.

Comment by KJPE on January 6, 2019 at 3:20pm

I called my darling husband who died so suddenly (via brain death via a cardiac arrest) "my precious one" because he gave me so much love, so much more than I've ever been able to give myself.  Reading Melissa's & Frank's posts helps me to believe I won't always feel the way I do today.  What is puzzling is that it seems like I feel more despair now than right after he died (last fall, October).  My memories are getting a bit more vivid now - objects in the house remind me of when we bought them, his car reminds me of the lift in my heart I always felt when he got home from work, and how he was always happy to be home & see me....instead of comfort I get this intense despair that sets me crying out loud again & again....

The only good thing is that I get what I call "reprieves" which are usually times I'm spending with other people that I care about - mostly, my friends.  After 2.5 months, their phone calls and texts have nearly stopped. so Hard....

Comment by Nance63 on January 4, 2019 at 3:20am

An acquaintance of mine just posted that his wife has died, and I can feel his pain and want to give him some of the supports I found like this site. I was thinking about him last night and one bit of advice I would give to him and when I glanced at some notifications of posts on this page, one of them was right there, but understated... "remember to keep breathing"... it seems a small thing. We cant' NOT breathe as long as we're living, right?   However, the shallow breathing, the breath holding that we do out of our pain and shock and trauma contribute to our feelings of helplessness and fear.  Practice taking some deep breaths every so often throughout the day.

I am sorry for all of you/us here.  My husband also had a cardiac arrest in the night. He was 'revived' and kept in the hospital for a week, but he was not alive, not really. It did allow us the time to spend with him, and talk to him, make some peace that was very much needed... and to do some practical matters that were very necessary for our lives, that could only be done while he was still living. But really, he 'died' that night in my home.  I remember that exhale...for my husband it sounded more like a moan and that made me think he was 'ok'... never occurred to me that he was dead! I never even thought to check his breathing or heartbeat once I heard that moan.  When the paramedics were here and I was a WRECK, I asked, "is he breathing??"  One of them, in the worst of tones, said, "ma'am, he's not even got a pulse!"    smh.  Sensitivity training perhaps?

I am sorry for you who are in the early days and months, but it does soften some over time... I still shake my head hard and wonder how can this be true, but I don't cry every day anymore... We do get little 'gifts' or reminders of him, too... Small things that just remind us of him, or little helps when we neeed them, that I feel come from his intercession.

I wish you comfort....

Comment by Frank on January 3, 2019 at 9:43pm

Hi KJPE,

Welcome to our club.  It is not the best club to belong to. It comes with terrible agony, loneliness, and terrible loss.  But, this is the best place to be.  Here you can vent, scream, cry, question, and cry your eyes dry.  Through all of that we are here for you.  We will listen, help if asked, and support you during this unspeakable time.  We are all going through some phase of this disaster that has struck us.  Read through the web site see what others are going through or have gone through, and write from your heart.  As you write, as your mind struggles to find the words, organize things logically, and make your story known, your writing will bring clarity, and you will improve.  It does not happen over night or even in a few months, sometimes years, but eventually...

We are here for you, write when you can.

(((HUGS)))

Frank 

Comment by Mrs Bear on January 3, 2019 at 9:08pm

I'm so sorry Kjpe for your loss.  My husband died suddenly of pulmonary embolism 9 months ago.  What you're feeling is normal.  You are lucky, I'm just starting to realize now that we loved beyond measure and some people never have that.  Hold onto the love you shared just to hold on through darkness. 

Comment by Monkey on January 3, 2019 at 8:30pm

Kjpe i am so sorry, its still so new for you, i want to say remember to keep breathing and if you have to scream, go somewhere private and do so, keep letting it out as much as you can. Keep reaching out because when you are able you will realize it will help you to navigate in this new, surreal world. Sending my love

Comment by KJPE on January 3, 2019 at 8:17pm

I can so relate to that feeling of doubling over in pain.  And crying out to God, to my husband's spirit, and so forth, to any Force that can ease this terrible pain...

 

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