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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Members: 1764
Latest Activity: on Wednesday

Discussion Forum

Being a new widow

Started by widowboymom34. Last reply by Rainy (Misty) Jan 18. 6 Replies

I became a widow on August 16. I also being the lone ranger in raising our boys, age 9 and 13. I feel like everyone around me things I am a complete idiot and I feel completely alone. I know when my…Continue

Regrets

Started by Elizabeth. Last reply by going.on.slowly Jan 6. 15 Replies

I am new to this forum, but not new to this journey. My husband died suddenly in 2013. He had talked about back pain for a few days and never went to have it seen to. He was upstairs marking test…Continue

Anniversary Today

Started by jlsrdh. Last reply by Mary Oct 9, 2019. 4 Replies

today is my anniversary. The second since Tom died. Last year I was barely functioning, and his memorial service was 2 days after our anniversary. This would have been our 39th. So, I wrote something…Continue

this is perfect site to journal

Started by jlsrdh. Last reply by Laurie Sep 23, 2019. 4 Replies

 this is the perfect site to journal, and express any thoughts and feelings we all go through at these terrible times. Its is helpful to read what others are feeling, thinking too. The responses from…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by Nance63 on January 13, 2019 at 2:29pm

Thanks, Dianne in Nevada (first to welcome me 2 years ago, thanks!)  Yes, I do follow. My box says "stop following, which I do not click on!  Just don't get them all. Not sure why. Maybe it's just our carrier? <shrug> 

Shelley, all I can do is nod in understanding.  Same... every so often I just burst into tears.  It can be random out of the blue, sometimes triggered by an obvious thing, other times not.   Part of life, now. I'm sorry  you experienced that while working with the kids, and felt so drained after! 

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on January 13, 2019 at 1:59pm

@Nance63 & @shelley:  Have you clicked on the "Follow" link that you see just below the comment entry box? That should get all posts sent to the email you used when you joined Widowed Village.

We do have plans to move our site to a new hosting platform. I'm hopeful that change will make some significant improvements to the site. Stay tuned!

Comment by shelley on January 13, 2019 at 1:53pm

I also get posts randomly.  

Regarding the journey:  I was at work this past Wednesday (I work in a school-age after-school childcare program) and I felt fine, not sad, not thinking about John.  Actually, I'd had several good days, thought maybe I was turning a corner.  Then all of a sudden with no warning, out of nowhere (I thought), when I was handing out snack to the kids- I just started crying.  Not sobbing but crying hard.  Couldn't stop.  Felt completely exhausted.  Wasn't sure I could drive home.  Yuck.

Comment by Nance63 on January 13, 2019 at 1:11pm

Not sure why it is I get SOME of these posts notifications and not others.  I saw HockeyDogs post about disorientation and wanted to agree.  I think the death of a spouse is so jarring, it's something that completely knocks you off kilter. Like the ground has shifted beneath you and you just can't seem to right yourself easily anymore. I found it scary for a very long time. It's been almost exactly 2.5 years.  I have had ups and downs.  Life cycles round and round. The holidays, the kids growing, new babies coming, birthdays passing...  Things happen that bring it all back to the surface, sometimes bringing flashbacks that I can now pick apart and consider details I hadn't looked so closely at before.  My husband's death made me look at things differently, also. I am incontrovertibly altered.  I can still get very sad, but not inconsolable. And even though ours was not a romantic, love of my life, soul mate type of relationship, when asked recently if I'd consider dating, I had to admit that the idea of it still felt like an alternate universe.   That's just me...

Comment by Melissa on January 13, 2019 at 11:00am

HockeyDogs, you make perfect sense. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Annie sounds like an amazing woman, strong and healthy. It must be incredibly disorienting to suddenly lose someone so healthy. None of us are prepared, but I imagine you would be less prepared than most.

I hadn't thought of it in those terms, but yes. Time stands still while speeding by. The minutes are long, but the months are short.

It's good that you're at peace with Annie's passing. That's a real blessing. The absence is the hardest thing and one I can't imagine ever not hating.

I wish you comfort on this terrible journey.

Comment by HockeyDogs on January 13, 2019 at 8:38am

I can relate to what a lot of you are saying. I lost my partner of 25+ year last May. She sustained a catastrophic brain injury in a bike crash while training for her 2nd Ironman. She died 21 hours after impact. Truly the love of my life. It was a normal Wednesday night until it wasn't. In some ways, time has stood still since the moment I got the phone call. In other ways, time is speeding by in a way that frightens me. Despite having made significant progress on getting getting my feet back under me, the one word that most captures my post-Annie experience so far is: disorientation. There isn't an aspect of life that hasn't changed. I'm at peace with her passing but I hate her absence, if that makes any sense at all.

Comment by KJPE on January 8, 2019 at 8:35pm

Hi Allan, I too just got through the first holidays, my husband's birthday, & New Year's Eve without him.  Now that the new year has started, and I am back to ordinary life with no big events on the horizon, I too am feeling his absence more keenly than ever (although I lost him only 3 months ago as of this Friday).  There is something about the new year that has really triggered my grief.  Perhaps this helps to explain why you "can't move ahead."  You have been moving ahead but this new year has really activated my grief, perhaps you too?  Let's see what healing is possible as the days of 2019 continue....I'll be checking in here.

Comment by Melissa on January 8, 2019 at 11:46am

I'm sorry, Allan_sch. Eight months is still new, but the shock is wearing off. From my own experience, and talking to other widows/widowers, this is the time it all starts to seem real.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You wouldn't expect to be moving ahead eight months after a devasting injury, for example. You would be kind to yourself and try to eat well and get plenty of rest.

I know it's a cliche, but we just have to take baby steps. If you look at where you are now compared to where you were eight months ago, you'll see how far you've come. It's still so hard and will continue to be hard, but it will get better.

We can do this together. Keep thinking about the wonderful memories and try to smile. Your wife loved to see you smile.

I wish you all the best.

Comment by Allan_sch on January 7, 2019 at 8:48pm

My wife of 30 years passed away 8 months ago 

I cannot seem to move ahead. I made it through the holidays her birthday and our anniversary 

but every day brings back wonderful memories. We just did everything together, now it’s just me

Comment by Frank on January 6, 2019 at 10:59pm

Hi KJPE

The situation with your friends is completely normal.  It's not that they forget, its mostly that life interferes with things and "We" sort of slip into the background.  I plead with folks here to not wish them ill will.  They say the darnedest things to us from the innocuous "How are you doing? " To one person who very seriously told me that they knew exactly how I felt because their dog died.  It's a part of our culture today.  Folks don't like to see anyone in pain.   No matter what the problem is, they try to fix (us) it.  The other thing is that they see us and our shattered selves and quite frankly, we scare the heck out of them.  They see their stalwart friends shattered to the bone, crippled, in pain and agony, and they recoil (self protection).  The more perspective ones realize that one day they are looking at themselves.  

When we have that kind of tragedy occur, our minds in self protection mode, shift over to a stunned mode or what we sometimes call "Fog."  Over time our minds start to bring us back into "normal" and the fog begins to thin.  This gives way to our thinking that we don't remember everything just some stuff, and if you are like me, later, you wonder how in the world you managed to do all that was necessary in those first few months.  How did we ever get through it?  

Hang in there Kid!  You are actually doing just fine.

Hugs

Frank

 

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