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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1743
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Discussion Forum

Anniversary Today

Started by jlsrdh. Last reply by Mary Oct 9. 4 Replies

today is my anniversary. The second since Tom died. Last year I was barely functioning, and his memorial service was 2 days after our anniversary. This would have been our 39th. So, I wrote something…Continue

this is perfect site to journal

Started by jlsrdh. Last reply by Laurie Sep 23. 4 Replies

 this is the perfect site to journal, and express any thoughts and feelings we all go through at these terrible times. Its is helpful to read what others are feeling, thinking too. The responses from…Continue

Guilt, Shame and Pain

Started by Snagglefoot. Last reply by Laurie Sep 23. 20 Replies

Hello Group. I don't know if this is the correct place to say this or talk about what has taken place this last week but I need to let the pain out because it is hitting me hard today. RIP August 7,…Continue

So Many Unanswered Questions

Started by TeresaNY. Last reply by going.on.slowly Sep 22. 18 Replies

Hello All:My husband of 19 years at the age of 46 died suddenly on August 2nd of this year.  I have so many unanswered questions as to why this happened to him.  He was a good man, in relatively good…Continue

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Comment by Melissa on May 26, 2019 at 2:20pm

Hi lulu74,

My husband had a stroke on 10/24/17 and died on 11/6/17, so I have two death days. In the beginning, I was so aware of them and sobbed all day during both days (I actually feel as if he died on the 24th. He never came back to us after that).

Then, I started to do what you describe. It wasn't so much in my consciousness, but my body remembered. It happened around the 11-month mark as well. I would get very anxious and weepy.

I'm at 18 months now, and on those days I feel as if I'm forgetting something; that something is missing. I look at the calendar and there it is. It isn't as sad, though. I think it's comforting that my beloved is still so much a part of me that I can feel what day it is!

I wish you all peace and comfort on the death days and every day. It does get easier.

~Melissa

Comment by lulu74 on May 25, 2019 at 1:57pm

Hi SFbay,

Right now, it doesn't seem like the pain will stop, that life will have any meaning again or that there will be a present or a future for us without our loved ones.

I have been reading around this website and it is encouraging to see stories of widows /widowers that have made it through and have been able to feel comfortable with themselves again while being alone. I guess there is a long way for us to go still until we get there. For now, we will feel our grief, embrace it and take every hour of the day at the time. I have totally felt like you about my life span... I think I will try to live the many or few years I have left as my lovely would have wanted me to...

Comment by SFbay on May 25, 2019 at 1:24pm

Hi jlsrdh & lulu74,

Thank you so much for your comments...

I am so sorry that we all are here and we have to struggle a lot every single day.

I know we will never forget about our loves, we will never get over the loss, we still need to live without him even though this world without him means nothing... We all lost our present and our future since the nightmare happened.  I am wondering if I will ever have my present and future again...

Comment by lulu74 on May 25, 2019 at 1:06pm

Hi jlsrdh & SFbay, 

Lately, I have been paying attention at my feelings during the days close to my love's death-date which is 06/22/2018. Even if I lose track of what date it is during a month, my body actually remembers. I start feeling very sad and hopeless, but then I realise what the date is. It has been 11 months now and the intense pain that I used to feel every day is easing up. However, the death-date is still very hard. I can totally relate to what you call "the cyle". The first anniversary of my love's death is coming up soon and I am dreading the day. I just hope not to be so devasted again. 

Comment by jlsrdh on May 25, 2019 at 12:38pm

Hi SFbay, 

l’m so sorry you lost your love. When you said “as the death-day approaches you become more unstable” it resonated in myself. Plus I know how it has effected 2 other women in my peer group of widow friends. We 3 all lost our husbands suddenly, and unexpectedly. All 3 of us have traveled this road, death-day. My hope is to first validate you are not alone in these emotions, second we all are different in how they effect us in scope and duration. My first friend lost her husband 1/1/19. I always gently ask her on the first of every month “how are you TODAY”?  The last 2 months it was not any different than the day before, but as she is still in the overwhelming grief struggle multiple times a week it may not manifest more to her On this specific day.  My second friend lost her husband 7/29/18 and she still experiences a severe monthly struggle starting the night before his death-day. I lost my husband 8/20/18 and I too had a terrible time every month when that death-day arrived. I wrote many blogs on that day or after to try to clear out my cobwebs of total despair and disbelief. However, Monday was the 20th again, and my second friend gently asked that afternoon in a text how are you today, as is the 20th. This was the first month I was ok all day.  Will I be ok next month, maybe. July is his birth month, so it will be a hard month, then August follows and the cycle starts over again. I hope for me the, death-day, has finally softened and eventually for you I hope it does too. For me journaling in my book, or in this forum helped  immensely. 

Hugs to you 

jlsrdh

Comment by SFbay on May 22, 2019 at 1:40pm

Hi Pualili221

I am sorry for losing your love, too... 

Oh... you work in Los Gatos? me in San Jose.... very close....

When the death-day of a month approaches, I become more unstable and lots of breakdowns happen...

Since last Sunday, I had a very severe migraine and stayed under the blanket for 2.5 days with only drinking water. I also felt the racing hearts and was hoping I would die while sleeping.. but it did not happen..

I was able to be awake from the bed and was a bit hungry & ate some porridge. I guess I will still need to live and feel pains.. I don't know how many years.... 

Comment by Pualili221 on May 20, 2019 at 6:57pm

Hi SFBay, 

Sorry for your sudden loss, sorry we are all here. I too suddenly lost my husband on Feb. 21, tomorrow will be 3 months.  I am near,  live in the East Bay and work in Los Gatos. I too can't imagine living another 20 or so years without the love of my life. My feelings are still raw and I am still numb. 

Sending you hugs

Comment by SFbay on May 17, 2019 at 12:26pm

Hi Roxana,

Thank you for your comment... you are even younger and everything must be so hard for you....

I really wish we have a control over our life span and are able to give some to whoever we want...

I wish I could give the exact 50% of my life span to him and we live another 20 years together and die at the same...

I think the majority of the reasons why I cry a lot, am so sad is not because I miss him so much (of course, I miss him so much and this is one of the reasons) but I am so sorry that he had to end his life so early. He was not allowed to have time to do anything he wanted, to eat, to visit but suddenly was stuck at the hospital. He did not really talk about his fear, sadness.. I kept thinking what he was thinking... I have so many questions but will not find the answers but cannot stop thinking.....

Comment by Roxana on May 16, 2019 at 11:24pm

Dear SFbay,

i feel exactly the same,  im 35 and the idea of living another 50 years without him and in this daily hell, makes me sick to my husband. Saying that, noone said we will live another 50 years, so there is hope( as macabre as that might sound). Honestly, the idea that I will also die soon is the only thing that keeps me going. 

hugs

Comment by SFbay on May 16, 2019 at 9:01pm

I still don't know Why he had to die so young...

Everything happened so fast (a month of a battle) and suddenly lost my present and future...

I am still in my early 40s and it doesn't seem like I will die anytime soon.

Have no idea how to kill my time for the rest of my life....

 

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