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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1724
Latest Activity: yesterday

Discussion Forum

Since He Died...

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Pualili221 on Monday. 9 Replies

People are always telling me how strong I am.  I don't feel strong.  It's rare that a day goes by when I don't cry.  You could probably count on one hand how many days I haven't cried since July 29,…Continue

He deserved so much more love

Started by KJPE. Last reply by Mrs Bear May 22. 11 Replies

At least once a day, I feel intensely frustrated & sad because my husband was exceptionally wonderful to me, and I keep wanting to give him more love and cannot believe that I can't any more. …Continue

Walking the line tonight

Started by BlueRoses. Last reply by lulu74 May 15. 3 Replies

The line between what is and what was. It is more of a tightrope, that often at this hour starts to fray. My sailor, soared last August. He was a young, bright, tenacious man, who left this planet at…Continue

Old Mementos

Started by Crabby. Last reply by Roxi May 1. 3 Replies

Tonight I was going through boxes in the basement, trying to declutter some because I have to move.  Don died 9 months ago yesterday.  i went out to get pizza, and when I came home, I found him. He…Continue

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Comment by Frank on June 2, 2019 at 10:31pm

Hi Melissa,

I'm not sure I'd call this a "Hobby"...maybe more like a "club" as my eye doctor told me when he learned of Susan's passing...He shook my had and said WELCOME TO OUR CLUB.  Not a "club" I'd have eagerly joined.  But, in a sense, it is a group of folks with the same trauma and we join together to help each other.

Hugs

Frank

Comment by Melissa on May 26, 2019 at 8:59pm

Nancy, that's what I love about this place. There's always someone who understands.

I wish we were all here for another reason; sharing the same hobby, perhaps. But here we are, and we have each other. That's such a gift.

Take care during the coming week, and have a nice birthday.

Comment by Nance63 on May 26, 2019 at 4:05pm

Hello,

I've been catching some of these recent posts by email. You all are talking about the very thing I have been talking about with my daughter, my friend and my therapist, lately.... because I am in that season right now.

actually, today IS the "first" death day of two, similar to what you describe, Melissa.  My husband had a cardiac arrest on May 26, at home. I feel certain he died then, but his body was kept alive for another week, so that his actual legal death was June 2, my birthday.  And yes, I recall very well that at first, each week it would be on the day of the week, I'd feel it, whether I knew it or not.... later, monthly... the body knows. It knows and our heart and soul know even if we're not keeping track of the calendar.   I'd be very down, moody, sobbing... whatever.  

But this is the three year anniversary of that dreadful night.  And I AM handling it much better... I am still feeling the "knowing" and I am having some flashbacks and pondering some things, but I am much more even keeled than I was the first year.... the second year maybe was even harder, but this third year I feel as though I am starting to feel like I might be going to live still...  it had felt like MY life ended then.  Even though I have five children, was having marriages happening and grandchildren coming AND, even though we did not have a good close, romantic, soul mate type of relationship. I was very UNhappily  married, but I was married and then I was not. I was shattered, frightened, frozen in time....

I want to send sympathy, empathy to you all, but also to let you know that while it feels like hell at first, it doesn't have to feel that way forever.  it's not something one can tell you and you'll think, oh, ok, thanks.... nooo…. it will just have to evolve for you, but it will....

Melissa, I totally understand having those TWO death days and feeling both of them. I feel sure my husband died here at home on May 26. THEy were able to keep his body sort of there, and that was a gift for us to have time to resolve some things both practically, and emotionally... and not just FIND him there in the morning.  But that was a horrible week, and there are a LOT of memories of that night, the week between and that final awful day...  It's good to be understood, isn't it? 

peace and comfort to you all....

~Nancy

Comment by Melissa on May 26, 2019 at 2:20pm

Hi lulu74,

My husband had a stroke on 10/24/17 and died on 11/6/17, so I have two death days. In the beginning, I was so aware of them and sobbed all day during both days (I actually feel as if he died on the 24th. He never came back to us after that).

Then, I started to do what you describe. It wasn't so much in my consciousness, but my body remembered. It happened around the 11-month mark as well. I would get very anxious and weepy.

I'm at 18 months now, and on those days I feel as if I'm forgetting something; that something is missing. I look at the calendar and there it is. It isn't as sad, though. I think it's comforting that my beloved is still so much a part of me that I can feel what day it is!

I wish you all peace and comfort on the death days and every day. It does get easier.

~Melissa

Comment by lulu74 on May 25, 2019 at 1:57pm

Hi SFbay,

Right now, it doesn't seem like the pain will stop, that life will have any meaning again or that there will be a present or a future for us without our loved ones.

I have been reading around this website and it is encouraging to see stories of widows /widowers that have made it through and have been able to feel comfortable with themselves again while being alone. I guess there is a long way for us to go still until we get there. For now, we will feel our grief, embrace it and take every hour of the day at the time. I have totally felt like you about my life span... I think I will try to live the many or few years I have left as my lovely would have wanted me to...

Comment by SFbay on May 25, 2019 at 1:24pm

Hi jlsrdh & lulu74,

Thank you so much for your comments...

I am so sorry that we all are here and we have to struggle a lot every single day.

I know we will never forget about our loves, we will never get over the loss, we still need to live without him even though this world without him means nothing... We all lost our present and our future since the nightmare happened.  I am wondering if I will ever have my present and future again...

Comment by lulu74 on May 25, 2019 at 1:06pm

Hi jlsrdh & SFbay, 

Lately, I have been paying attention at my feelings during the days close to my love's death-date which is 06/22/2018. Even if I lose track of what date it is during a month, my body actually remembers. I start feeling very sad and hopeless, but then I realise what the date is. It has been 11 months now and the intense pain that I used to feel every day is easing up. However, the death-date is still very hard. I can totally relate to what you call "the cyle". The first anniversary of my love's death is coming up soon and I am dreading the day. I just hope not to be so devasted again. 

Comment by jlsrdh on May 25, 2019 at 12:38pm

Hi SFbay, 

l’m so sorry you lost your love. When you said “as the death-day approaches you become more unstable” it resonated in myself. Plus I know how it has effected 2 other women in my peer group of widow friends. We 3 all lost our husbands suddenly, and unexpectedly. All 3 of us have traveled this road, death-day. My hope is to first validate you are not alone in these emotions, second we all are different in how they effect us in scope and duration. My first friend lost her husband 1/1/19. I always gently ask her on the first of every month “how are you TODAY”?  The last 2 months it was not any different than the day before, but as she is still in the overwhelming grief struggle multiple times a week it may not manifest more to her On this specific day.  My second friend lost her husband 7/29/18 and she still experiences a severe monthly struggle starting the night before his death-day. I lost my husband 8/20/18 and I too had a terrible time every month when that death-day arrived. I wrote many blogs on that day or after to try to clear out my cobwebs of total despair and disbelief. However, Monday was the 20th again, and my second friend gently asked that afternoon in a text how are you today, as is the 20th. This was the first month I was ok all day.  Will I be ok next month, maybe. July is his birth month, so it will be a hard month, then August follows and the cycle starts over again. I hope for me the, death-day, has finally softened and eventually for you I hope it does too. For me journaling in my book, or in this forum helped  immensely. 

Hugs to you 

jlsrdh

Comment by SFbay on May 22, 2019 at 1:40pm

Hi Pualili221

I am sorry for losing your love, too... 

Oh... you work in Los Gatos? me in San Jose.... very close....

When the death-day of a month approaches, I become more unstable and lots of breakdowns happen...

Since last Sunday, I had a very severe migraine and stayed under the blanket for 2.5 days with only drinking water. I also felt the racing hearts and was hoping I would die while sleeping.. but it did not happen..

I was able to be awake from the bed and was a bit hungry & ate some porridge. I guess I will still need to live and feel pains.. I don't know how many years.... 

Comment by Pualili221 on May 20, 2019 at 6:57pm

Hi SFBay, 

Sorry for your sudden loss, sorry we are all here. I too suddenly lost my husband on Feb. 21, tomorrow will be 3 months.  I am near,  live in the East Bay and work in Los Gatos. I too can't imagine living another 20 or so years without the love of my life. My feelings are still raw and I am still numb. 

Sending you hugs

 

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