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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

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Members: 1830
Latest Activity: 20 hours ago

Discussion Forum

5 months and I'm feeling so down. Is this normal?

Started by love,cookie. Last reply by Hurt cyclist on Friday. 6 Replies

Hi all, I have so many things on my mind and am having such a hard time. My love died of acute heart failure in March. I am struggling with PTSD from it and depression. I am seeing a therapist and on…Continue

Unwelcome, longest season

Started by InsideLove on Thursday. 0 Replies

It's seldom I visit here anymore - my husband died 3 years and 2 months ago. Yet I read so many of the email updates, and my heart opens up.I am so sorry we are all here. Someone here said we wish we…Continue

Lost my Purpose

Started by harvdzny. Last reply by Hurt cyclist on Thursday. 5 Replies

I am so tired of feeling sad.  Next week will be 6 months since he has been gone.  I have this general feeling of sadness all the time.  The house is so quiet.  Just me and the dogs.  I was always an…Continue

Companionship in Pets

Started by LorraineS. Last reply by shelley Sep 14. 3 Replies

I know you're not supposed to make major decisions for a year. I just made one. I really need a companion pet and there was a specific cat breed available for a rehome from a breeder. So I decided to…Continue

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Comment by LostInAlaska on Friday

Dearest KJPE, Your kindness makes me smile, which is rare today.

I need to make a BIG correction to my first post on this site; I apologize to everyone.

In my haste, which I have done more than once when it comes to my husband's death date, once on a memorial plaque, HE DIED MARCH 25, 2017, NOT March 25, 2019. Didn't know if I could edit the original post and don't really care, except for context for those who take the time to reach out. 

It doesn't matter most times....seems like time is all a blur. If I let myself go there, I can neatly recreate the death scene in my mind, then I crush myself and wonder why I would do that. I try not to anymore.

I do want to speak of coping mechanisms that I am using, in case it helps anyone else...my anxiety and sadness was overwhelming and wondered if I could do the life I am left with. I have taken up meditating, and I was never one with time or an appreciation for that sort of thing. It has helped quiet my mind and given me a bit of structure, albeit for just 10 min. a day. Being mindful of the fact that all we have is the present and that we should strive to not obsess on the past (done) or the future (out of our control). A simple phone APP recommended by a friend: Waking Up, has helped. If anyone wants to use it, I can send a link and they offer a month free. I think it is 9$/mo or so.

The other thing I am doing is recognizing I need to let go of trying to think I can ever recreate the amazing, diverse life we led together. I was holding myself to such an unreasonable standard just trying to make Doug proud. We worked hard, played hard, traveled, adventured together and my husband was always larger than life, until he was gone. 

I can never make the cabin we lived in for 25 years the way it was then. I can not make the fishing boat whole on my own. It is not in my best interest to try and GO BACK, It is more than that. It is unrealistic and it was making me feel like a failure. I have to find the "me" I am left with. 

After 40 years of him being my other half, I forgot me. I am trying to find her again. It is a hard thing to admit. Doug always said I was the strongest person he knew, and that pisses me off now. I am. I only am.

Damn it, Doug. His favorite saying was "fair enough" and many days I will randomly think or shout: It doesn't' feel fair. At all. But life isn't. Right?

I have, not meaning to, found a family who visited my cabin late this summer from Colorado (I set it up as an AirBnB to make ends meet) and they fell in love it. They were here this summer searching for where they wanted to live in Alaska. The gentleman said when he walked in "this feels like home." Those were the words Doug said when he first walked in in 1985. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Sell the cabin. Let it go. Let them love it like we did. I never even EVER considered it until that moment. So....I am trying to let go. And it is a struggle.

They were elated and said they would be the best neighbors I ever could hope for. (Cabin is next door to the house my husband (and I) built and that I have lived since 2001). They will buy it over the winter and be back in March to live there.

Snow will be coming here very soon and winter is long and dark here. I am used to it and will be okay. I wish I could travel and will when it becomes available again. Each day is new and different, but I am alive now and thankful for what makes this journey meaningful. Thank goodness for my sweet black labs, Wes and Leo 

Love and support to all of you out there. No one signs up for this stuff.

Comment by KJPE on Thursday

Dear LostinAlaska, I just read your story & tears came to my eyes (they do come easily these days, & that' s ok).  The sudden loss of my husband was such a nightmare & yet I can still see a unique nightmare in what you experienced, finding him dead on the bed, how heart wrenching.  If it helps, I will say that at the 2 year mark (me) that I know I will never get over losing my beloved husband & will always & forever miss him but that in the middle of that it is also possible to love again & to enjoy life again.  The grief still comes, almost daily, but it dominates life so much less now.  It all takes time though - I was totally dominated by grief my whole first year & a few months beyond.  16 months (into this pandemic too OMG) I started to have days that were pleasant & not dominated by grieving.  My life will never be the same but it is still possible to live life fully.

Comment by KJPE on Thursday

Dear Harvdzny, I just commemorated the 2nd anniversary of my husband Greg's passing, and I found myself replaying some of what I experienced when he first died 2 years ago.  I too thought I'd been remiss (and felt so much regret) for not seeing what was going on with his health.  I will say, like Melissa, though, that Greg visited his family doctor the day before his cardiac arrest knocked him out, from which he never woke up.  To this day I wonder what in the world they could have missed.  Apparently though, with sudden losses like us on this list, it is common for there to be no sign of illness.  This is part of the trauma, but it is also a way that we have missed the horrors of long protracted illness in our beloved ones.  I know I'm not saying anything new, just want you to know that it is too easy to revisit all of our regrets.  I needed help from a therapist to get past all my regrets and anger at myself for missing the signs.   Now I don't have to get stuck in those, even though we may miss our darling spouses forever, as I expect to.  My heart goes out to you.

Comment by Melissa on Thursday

Harvdzny, my husband's family is the same. They never liked me, but they adored him. I wasn't good enough for him. After 22 years of marriage, they didn't even speak to me in the hospital. There were two funerals! One for his family that I was not invited to. I had a small Celebration of Life at our house a few months later. It was so awful for our friends because they didn't know what to do. 

It will be three years November 6, and I have no idea how (or why) I've lived this long without him. Every day is not hell anymore, but no days are easy. Please don't blame yourself for not seeing some kind of sign that your husband was ill. I think most of us do that in the early months. I think it might be part of the grieving process. My husband had been to the doctor and things were fine on Monday. He had a massive stroke the following day. There's just no way to know.

I'll be thinking about you today. We're here for you.

Comment by LostInAlaska on Thursday

It is easy to blame oneself and fill your heart with regret, but it doesn't help us move forward. I have tried to let go of those feelings, but somedays I do fall into the pattern again. RESIST it. That is what I try to do. He wouldn't condone me feeling that way. 

We all have to go and no one knows the date and time. Accept that. It is the ultimate truth 

Be kind to yourself harvdzy. Your husband's family obviously didn't love him like you do; they have no clue. 

Hugs to you, my dear.

Comment by Roxana on Thursday

The Dear Harvdzny,

im so sorry you are going through this. In January I have 2 years since i lost Mark and i went through the same emotions as you, feeling guilty that i didnt take him to a private check. Angry at the imcomppetence of the GPs that let him die.  

The reality is this is the GPs job, not ours. Its them that should assess risk and they failed us. Please dont blame yourself, you have no fault in this tragedy. The last thing you need is adding extra burdens in you. Be gwntke with yourself, its enough that our lives have been completelly destroyed and we just exist rather than live, guilt is the last thing you need.

i to wish God takes me soon to be with my precious husband. All im doing is killing time hnfil I an with him again and trying to learn my life lessons. The sooner i fo ot, the wuicker God will take me( I assume!).

Comment by harvdzny on Thursday

Today marks 6 months that my beloved soulmate has been gone.  I don't understand how 6 months have gone by when I feel like time is standing still.  I am so frustrated that his name doesn't cross the lips of others who claim to have loved him.  Literally, radio silence.  It angers me to my core.  His family has all but disappeared.  Wrapped up in their own lives while I'm still trying to pick up the pieces.  It's so sad that my husband told me many times that his family didn't care about him.  He died feeling like that.  And here we are, only 6 months out and there is no mention of anything.  It's disgusting.  I really wish the good Lord would have taken both of us together.  This is no way to live.  This excruciating pain every single day.  The overwhelming sadness all the time.  It just sucks!  I miss him with every cell in my body.  I miss feeling safe, loved, secure, confident, happy.  I miss the feeling of having someone in my corner supporting me no matter what.  I wish I would have forced him to go to the doctor.  I had heard that there was a family history of cardiac issues yet I didn't push for him to get checked out.  He went to a primary care twice a year but I didn't push for a cardiac check up.  I feel like I could have prevented this in some way.  So, not only overwhelming sadness but also guilt and anger.  Prior to this traumatic event, I was a happy, confident, optimistic person.  Now.....I'm just not.

Comment by Melissa on Tuesday

Roxi, it's so good to hear from you!

I think of you so often, and I think of you as my friend.

Big hug to you.

Comment by Roxi on October 13, 2020 at 2:45am

dear Melissa i am with you....life is so desolate without our loved ones,,,as you i don't remember a deep laugh in these two and a half years,,,in this covid time everything is more lonely and difficult!
a strong hug my friend you are not alone,
i wish we were happy too! ciap roxi

Comment by Melissa on October 12, 2020 at 1:12pm

That's the hardest thing for me. Nobody will ever love me like he did. I felt safe in the world because he was in it. Even if we weren't near each other, we were together.

Now there's nothing. It will be three years in November. Everybody says, "I can't believe it's been three years already!"

Try being me. It feels like a hundred years. I can't even remember what it felt like to be a normal person who laughed a lot and danced in the kitchen and played with dogs. 

It does get easier, but weekends are still the hardest. And nights.

I wish you all peace. I wish we knew each other some other way. I wish we were happy.

 

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