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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Suddenly Widowed

For those widowed suddenly or unexpectedly by any cause. 

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Members: 1656
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Comment by simmons1084 on April 19, 2011 at 7:27am
Hi everyone.. I am new to the site and finding my way around.  My husband, our three children, and myself were traveling to Tennessee from Louisiana on the day before Thanksgiving when we wrecked and lost Jay.  For the last four months, I thought I was doing ok, but have recently developed PTSD and depression and had to move back in with my parents.  Really struggling with all of this now and hope to making friends with people who can share my experience.. Looking forward to getting to know everyone..
Comment by Norma on April 19, 2011 at 3:20am
Laska, I am where you are also, just past 1 yr and 3 months, I don't know some days I can go almost all day without crying but usually at bedtime I start thinking this has to be a nightmare it can't be real, the whole situation of his death usually replays in my mind and I have to just stop thinking and start praying, sometimes I feel crazy and just want to start screaming how can this be....but actually am afraid once I start I will never stop.. it's hard keeping it together...but each day still rolls around whether I want it to or not... and another day without him just makes it hard to face another day...Curt may be gone but I still feel his love and that is the only thing besides God's grace and mercy that keeps me going.. so prayers and hugs to you along this horrible journey and just know you are not alone in any of it...
Comment by Kimma on April 18, 2011 at 10:19pm

Laska,

April 17 was 2 years for me. You are normal and it does get better. AT 1 year I went throught the constant replay like you are doing, and now at the 2nd year, it's different. Hang in there, you'll get through the 1 year mark.

Kimma

Comment by laska on April 18, 2011 at 9:43pm
Wednesday will be one year since he died. Its all I can think about. I know that its just a day, like any other, but sadder. All day today I've tried so hard to keep it together, to not think about where I was a year ago. Sitting in neuro icu, praying and hoping that this horrible nightmare would end and I would wake up and jon and I would walk out of there. Sadly, instead I keep remembering how I sat there, knowing that he was already gone, and wishing like hell I could have done things differently.

Its probably not healthy to think about this, but I wish I would have told him I loved him more. Jon told me at least once a day that he loved me. Sometimes I said it back, others I figured he knew. If I could do it over, I'd tell him every single day how much I loved him. How much I appreciated him being my best friend, how glad I am that I met him.

Some nights, if I lay in bed just right, its like he's there. Those are the mornings I wake up and want to cry because he's not. While I still grieve him, I also grieve our life together. I miss our house, our dogs, and just talking to him after a bad day. I want our life back. I want to take back the shitty things I said. I want to wake up in the morning to jon making coffee and toasting a bagel, and hear 'come on guys, let's go wake mommy up!'

Please tell me I'm normal, and not just cracking up. Tell me the actual physical hurt goes away. And someone please tell me that it gets easier. Because days like today make me think that it will never end.
Comment by Dawn on April 15, 2011 at 8:26pm
I haave posted before and I will say it again and again I appreciate this place and ALL of you more than I could ever put to words. Thanks for the love , kindness and understanding. <3 to us all
Comment by MsKris12 on April 15, 2011 at 11:20am

Hi Dawn

This is the 2nd place I have posted my response because I have no idea where my first one went!! sorry :(

 

You have so much support right here!!!  ((HUGS))

We all know that we should not make any major changes for the first year and I have never understood this comment because what could possibly be more major than the loss of your spouse?? ANYWAY...

I am in the rental mangement business and I would suggest that you approach management for an apartment transfer with a different view, different layout.  Most management would honor a request for a good tenant.  This would not be as major as you up and leaving your job or city were you live.  Also, the packing, setting up new household might help with your healing.

 

I am 10 weeks out and my husband and I were working on a private, 2nd floor, master suite, I mean totally to the stud construction.  At first this was a difficult project to continue.  But I am creating my own private sanctuary and finding that through painting, tile, grout, new furniture and the like that it is helping.

 

I hope you find some comfort in my suggestion.  Regardless, take care of yourself.

Comment by Dawn on April 15, 2011 at 9:53am
Thank you for the input, I rent an apartment , my husband was found in front of the dumpster on the blacktop so no memorial can be put there. It pulverizes anything that is left of me to look out my window or go on my deck and if I am in view and I see someone walk there or the dump truck drive there.. I want to scream don't you know my husband died there!!! It is sacred only to me...
Comment by Maya, GEM's kyttn on April 15, 2011 at 9:02am

I ended up in a new house, primarily because I had no choice.  The fire that took my husband destroyed the townhouse completely - nothing left but the cement slab.  I moved into a home my parents had for sale, and since I couldn't stand the idea of moving back into the townhouse after the fire (couldn't go down the street for the longest time without a panic attack, which still sometimes happens), I eventually bought that house from them.  I'm majorly regretting that purchase now, 2.5 years later, but at the time the idea of moving by myself, even with the few possessions I had, seemed completely beyond me.  I looked at a few houses, but eventually decided to just stay put.  Even then, I only put the townhouse on the market after another year, and only sold it this February, just over 3 years after the fire.

If you have the option to stay somewhere else for a little while, (a long visit to family maybe?), perhaps it will help a little?  can you have someone plant something beautiful (perhaps a blooming tree) in that spot?  At 9 weeks, things are still so very raw, you don't want to make any irreversible decisions if you can avoid it.    *HUGS*

Comment by Paula on April 15, 2011 at 8:53am
I put my house on the market about a month after my husband died. I think that I used that activity to fix it up as a way to get thru. Of course it did not sell. Now at one year out, I am glad it did not happen. I am not at all sure I want to keep it but, I will think about it a little more and it takes some of the pressure off. I am with Illona and Chris, I am still in therapy and on medication. Some days I am just fine, actually happy, others I fall off the cliff. I do feel like the only people who get it are people who have been thru it.
Comment by Chris on April 15, 2011 at 8:43am

Don't make any major choices - like moving out of your house - for a while.  It took me a few years to finally move from the house that my late wife & I had bought.  The thing that helped me the most was finding a really good therapist.  I can't say it enough: talking about it really helps.  This forum is really good, too, but nothing beats a little face time.

 

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